Think this time really is the last time and we need to separate. Need help.

[lulupop]

Oh God, this could be such a long msg but no point going back to the yr dot with it all. DH and I just had a row and he has screamed at me (as usual, no self-control or thought for DS who was awake in his room) and left the house. I am shaking. I feel all fizzy.

We have had a volatile relationship for such a long time. Things go fine as long as I suppress my frustrations with him but if I bring up how I really feel, it all kicks off. He has no boundaries when it comes to losing tempers and will scream the most appalling things at me, usually in front of the children. We have had 2 separate periods of time going to Relate and all we achieved was that he agreed in principle to setting boundaries, taking time out etc when arguing, but it has always been only till the next time.

He's never been physically violent but he is a real bully and is so abusive I feel like nothing. Just now when I said I was sick of having the same argument over and over again and it made me feel there was no point carrying on, he screamed "Fine! Fine! I will go into work and resign and we can get divorced and you and the kids can have half of NOTHING. And I can tell them that you only married me for the money, you stupid fucking WHORE!"

Not sure what he meant about resigning. I am SAHM and only worked for 2 yrs before having DS. I have no idea how we would live if I left DH but I think I've reached the point where anything has got to be better than feeling like this. All the times we;ve had rows like this before, I've always thought "Don't do anything rash, just give things a chance to settle" and then it goes back to normal for a bit. But nothing changes, it all feels so hopeless now. I don't think I even like him - we certainly seem to be inhabiting different planets. I come from a happy home myself and can't bear the idea of my children not living with both their parents, but don't want them witnessing these sorts of scenes.

I feel stuck in Groundhog Day. No amount of counselling is going to change DH, and though I realise I could change as well, I don't think I can change my personality to accomodate the way he is. He can be very, very nasty when he thinks he's been betrayed, and I am afraid of what would happen if I said I actually wanted to separate formally.

I don't even know how to find a solicitor who could tell me what to do first.

I am supposed to be going to my parents' tomorrow for the night, but now I'm wondering if, if I do so, when I come back he'll have locked me out (he has done this before). What should I do?

Should I lock the door tonight so he can't come back in? I cannot face more of his screaming and ranting at me, with the children hearing it. But afraid of making him even angrier.

Your link did not work for me.

LOts to think about isn't there?
How are you feeling about things today?

feel crap. just had long chat with my mum who is all "Have you really thought about how reduced your circumstances will be, and how shit your life will be, and how you won't be able to afford anything for the kids?" but then in the next breath agrees that DH and are are totally incompatible, that he is a wanker (her words) and that my life with him will never get any better than what it is now.

I am not even 30 yet and cannot bear the idea of ending up a bitter, resentful middle aged old cow who is jealous of her teenage daughter etc.

On the other hand, life really will be very crap for me and the kids if we do split up. I believe I am very capable and have a lot to offer an employer, but at the same time, I do have the children and don't just want to hand them over to someone else to care for 5 days a weel and so can't commit myself to work in the same way as I did pre-kids.

Someone tell me an encouraging story about a SAHM who got divorced, got a job, and went from strength to strength, PLEASE!

How are you, stressedmummy?

It's so hard isn't it?
I feel just like you. I do have a job, but it only pays peanuts & there is no way I could afford to keep a house, pay bills, buy all the food & clothes etc with the money I earn.
It is one of the reasons that I can't see myself being able to leave atm.
I think the answer for us would be to be swept of our feet by some kind, gorgeous rich man!
Now back to reality!!!
I am feeling a bit like you in that I almost feel bad for what I have said about H because I have had a couple of days of him being nice!
It is amazing how quickly you forget how terrible they have been!

Yes, it is!

I also have fantasies along lines of meeting someone rich who offered to take me and the kids away from all this... or winning the lottery...

but since that is clearly not going to happen, I am trying to get to grips with the fact that obviously things are going to get a lot worse before they get any better at all.

It's hard work, isn't it?

Yes & very stressfull!
It seems that all my friends (&my sister) are in great relationships & it makes me so
Why did I have to marry a man like this?
This is 1 of the reasons that it is so good to have mumsnet, because u realise there are others in the same boat.

a long time ago , someone said to me (in relation to their parents and the mistakes they had made), that most people, whatever their failings and so on did the best they could for themselves and their children with the information they had at the time.

it sounds basic but I think it is a truism. Most people are basically decent people, but we all make mistakes. I for one should have realised that, since I found someone else very attractive in the months before my wedding, perhaps I shouldn't get married. But I didn't want to rock the boat, and was afraid if I said anything, DH wld leave me and never come back, and I'd have made a terrible mistake.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

Lulupop, if you're looking for an inspirational story from a mum who rebuilt her life after a divorce, ask Anorak what she's been through. It's truly inspiring.

Having said that, it's true that it would be very difficult if you separated from your DP but believe me it's worth it. I'm a single mum, and I know that living on benefits is very hard, especially when you're used to a certain quality of life, but it's not impossible. Money and material possessions don't matter to children, but feeling loved and secure does.

Tell me more, Mammya, I really need some support tonight.

TBH, I have led a very fortunate life up to now. My parents have both worked like buggery all their lives to support me and my brother, and I was lucky enough to have them supporting me financially through my degree and have my mother's continuing emotional support. My Dad is pretty pissed off with me as he thinks I have f*cked up royally in my marriage, but there you go. My mistake.

I actually have no real conception of what life on the dole, in a council house (if i was lucky enough to get one - no idea even how you go about that) would be like, other than that it would be extremely hard.

I've just had my mum on the phone for an hour or more telling me that the children are more important than me, I should have followed their advice and not had DD, and so on and so forth. As if she thinks I'm so selfish and stupid that I haven't already thought those things for myself.

I just feel our family life as it is is completely intolerable, and have no idea what to do. I feel I should start divorce proceedings as soon as possible, but am afraid of just how nasty H can be.

Tonight I was expecting him home at normal time. He rang at the time he is usually home to say he'd be an hour late. I said fine, pls can you pop into the supermarket (next door to train) and get more formula on your way, it closes at 8pm.

He rang AT 8pm to say he was not yet on the train, and was obviously already pissed. I said great, we have no milk for the baby. Oh, fine, he slurred, I'll sort it out... I just said don't bother and got my friend to come over with some. But the point is, he cld have called earlier, when I wld have had time to go out myself. He doesn't know I have a friend who cld give me some. He's just out, pissed.

We've got to a point where there isn't even any point me having a go at him about it. I don't even care. I cannot rely on the man for anything and he has so little self-respect that to ensuring his baby is fed is not his responsibility, as far as he's concerned. Arsehole.

He will roll in in the early hours and I know already it's going to be all I can do to just not say anything.

Where is Anorak? I need that inspirational story!

Sorry Lulupop, I didn't see that earlier!

What can I tell you? Being a single mum is really tough, especially if you don't have any family around to help but you will be rid of all this aggravation, not being able to rely on him, not being able even to talk to him, and believe me that makes a huge difference. The most difficult thing, I find, is not so much not having any money, it's not having much of a social life and not being able to get out of the house even just to go to the corner shop in the evening.

As for council houses, I don't know where you live, but in my area it's pretty much impossible to get one unless you're homeless. Anyway as a single mum you should qualify for full housing benefit so you can rent on the private market.

Don't listen to your parents at this stage as what they are telling you is not really helpful. I suppose that they must be really worried about your and your children's future and that they will be supportive if you need them.

As for your (not so D)H, what do you think he might do if you ask for a divorce? Could it be worse than the way he is treating you now? Do you think you or your children could be in danger? If that's the case then have a look at the women's aid website for information on what you can do to protect yourself.

Hopefully Anorak will see this thread and will tell you her story herself. I've tried to find it but no success.

I hope you're OK.

lulupop and stressedmummy, have changed my name to post on this therad.

I would really like to join the discussion, having read stressedmummy's other thread, as I am also finding my DH temper increasingly hard to deal with.

Just this morning have been called an arsehole and sworn at because I was annoyed with him for shouting on the stairs and waking the baby.

It sort of feels like the last straw, after nearly 20 years together.

Hi sorrysomehow. I am sorry to hear that you are also having such a hard time at the moment.
There seems to be lots of us in the same boat right now.
Mumsnet is a great place for support though.
I have also changed my name for these threads.

My dh's ex left him for no real reason apart from incompatibility and has been vile to us (I met my dh four years after she left!) - BUT - and I don't know how inspirational this is (!) she has since married a millionaire and lives in much luxury and doesn't work and has had more children.

I recently read about a woman whose marriage broke up when she had 11 children, yet she met someone else, had another child and recently published her first - highly acclaimed - novel. Now there's a story!

love your first story, aloha (though sorry she's such a nasty witch), and I also read about that woman you mentioned with the 12 kids. I thought she sounded a bit strange though - but maybe because I can't imagine why anyone would have 12 kids!

sorrysomehow, sorry to hear you're in the same difficult position as some of us here. But welcome anyway, and tell us all about it as we all understand. I have definitely found the opportunity to talk openly on MN, and have people tell me I'm not going mad after all, very very comforting.

I think after years of this kind of thing, you become conditioned to the behaviour cycles until the don't seem that extraordinary any more. It's only since I started mentioning to one or two of my RL friends things that DH has said/done, that I can see the look of genuine horror in their eyes.

DH rolled in after midnight last night, slept in the spare room, and didn't go into work today as he was too hungover.

I spent 3 hours at an indoor play centre with the kids today rather than be in the house with him .

He genuinely doesn't understand why I'm concerned at the cavalier attitude he takes to just not showing up for work, and why it makes me worry about our debts even more. According to him, £15,000 of shared debt is "no problem" and I "shouldn't get so wound up about it".

He is like a complete stranger to me now.

Message withdrawn

thanks yg, I'm looking forward to hearing the Anorak story.

must have bath soon as need to be ready for Desperate Housewives at 10pm, which, for some reason, has really struck a chord with me!

How are you Lulupop?
I am now seriously thinking about seeing a solicitor after being advised to on my thread.
Am going to look them up in the yellow pages, but am feeling very emotional just at the thought of this.
Dont know why? I suppose it is just having to finally exccept the situation that we are in & the thought that this would be the first step to doing something very final & scary.
Did you find it tough & have you told anyone in rl about it?

hi honey, I'm going to post on yr thread in a mo with info specific to you. But yes, I do find it tough, and yes, I have told people in RL.

At first it was just my best friend who lives in another town and whose life is totally different to ours. But as this has progressed, I have told 2 people in my town and I've found their reaction has really helped. People will never say anything bad about your h to your face, but once you start voicing your concerns, it's amazing how it all comes out what they think of him as well.

AM off to yr thread now.

Revived my thread for a quick update. Following another couple of months of the same cycle of masive row - h storms off - returns - we carry on, miserably, I have finally broken the cycle!

Another series of arguments, and a massive deterioration in DS' behaviour, led to me asking h to leave at the start of the week. He has gone. I know I should feel more sad, but I just feel hugely relieved. The stress of say to day life has gone, and once we have a formalised arrangement between us as regards finances and access, I'll feel able to get on with life with the children without worrying all the time what the next crisis is going to be.

Hum ho, all a bit scary when I stop to think about it, but I know it's the right thing for all of us. A new start.

Well done Lulupop. I know it's a bit scary being a single parent at first but (after 5 years of it) believe me it's a whole lot easier than living with someone who makes your life a misery and trying to dela with all that!

Hope your life settles down for you and your children and that you are happier in the long run - sure you will be!

Was gonna say, sorry to hear this, but then you sound so positive so, i'll just say good luck, and well done for breaking the cycle.

You sound so relieved, which is exactly how i would be, but haven't yet found the courage to get to the point you are at yet.

Thanks for your support.

Nutty, I just got to the point where I knew I could not stick with things any more. In my heart I know that there in nothing h can do to make me love him again now. And seeing our lovely ds getting angrier and angrier by the day was too much.

I feel liberated. Life is going to be hard, but at least it'll be on my terms, and I won't have to deal with his sh*t any more.

Oh well done lulupop!
How very brave of you to actually make the break.
Does it feel like a great relief now?
Did he take it ok, when you asked him to leave?