my God, Nutty, I really feel for you. I think to someone outside this kind of situation, what we have done might sound in some way "weak", and maybe I have been weak, but i really know what it feels like to keepletting yourself be carried along, hoping and praying things will get better, when they just don't.
I would love a third child but not with dh and that is yet another thing that tells me this is over.
Well done for getting yourself into a house. It is very hard being stuck in a loveless arrangement. Can you not get him to leave? I know it's not as simple as that, but if it came down to it, could you force him to go?
I also wasn't sure about my dh when we met, but he was so keen and I was so impressionable... when I look back, all along the way there were signs that he wasn't right for me, but I was so naive and insecure about finding anyone else, I just stuck with it. I knew I shouldn't get PG with DD, but I let him convince me it was a good idea. And I wouldn't be without her now, either, but still, there are so many regrets along the way. But I digress.
My appointment this afternoon was depressing in terms of the facts, but good in that I know how things might proceed now, and also what I have to do to prepare myself.
I will give a synopsis of the info, which I hope will help some of you as well:
Basically, she said that if I want to divorce on grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour, I have to provide a variety of examples. These don't have to be like a log book (could be as vague as "Spring 2002"), but you need to first determine some "themes" (eg. spending all the housekeeping on booze, gambling, not spending time with the kids...) and then come up with at least 3 examples of each Theme. ideally the examples will be spread over a long period of time, to show a pattern of behaviour.
He cannot cite my one-off infidelity as grounds for divorce for Adultery, as whatever the grounds for divorce are, they have to have occurred within the last 6 months.
As there is not enough money for us to keep our family home AND buy. rent a second residence for him, we have to sell . The court sees the wellbeing of the children as paramount, so if necessary, ALL the proceeds from the sale will go to me, to neable me to rehouse myself and the kids. HOWEVER, any new home will have a charge against it such that, as and when I remarry/resell the home, the proceeds of the sale at that future time will be divided between me and dh in the proportions which would be "fair" now. In the meantime, he would be expected to get himself a new mortgage and start again with a new home.
I would get residence of the babes as they are still so young. DH is obliged to maintain me as well as them; but as and when I get a job, his maintenance payments will be reduced by the equivalent amount that I earn (if this makes anyone think there's no point getting a job, the solicitor told me the courts will only tolerate this up to a point - eg if your kids are in full time school and there's no reason why you can't work, you have to get a job). I want to support myself anyway, so not a problem I guess.
She advised me to contact the CAB re all the tax credits I can get to cover childcare etc.
If I had no money at all in my own name, I would be entitled to legal aid. In my case though, I have some money in a savings acct in my sole name - this is actually "our" savings, but is in my acct as it was the only separate acct we have from the main one. That;s good in one way, as it means it's "mine" as far as the law goes, but it also means that I won't get legal aid, as I do have some money. Ironically, it will/would all be used up in legal fees anyway, and then I won't have a bean to my name. If I didn't have it, I'd get the legal aid, but since I do, I won't.
I think that's pretty much it.
If I wish to proceed, a downpayment of £1,000 is required. She told me to find and photocopy every single document relating to our joint finances, and all bank statements for 12 months as well, in the meantime.
So that will keep me busy for a month or so, while I think some more about if this is really really the right thing to do.
I know in my heart it is. But it is so sad and final.