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Original poster

Found old love message between DP and his ex wife

108 replies

Lotusflower83 · 04/06/2023 08:03

Hi All,

First time poster so please bear with me.

I have been with my DP nearly 7 years, and yesterday for some stupid reason I gone through his phone while he was on a ride with my 2 DD at ( they are mine from previous marriage). I saw all the message from 2 years ago saying they love each other always, how they re live all their memories through text messages, she said how she wish she could go back and time and start again.

i felt sick reading all that messages, I felt betrayed by him. I feel like I have lived in a big massive lie all these years but I don’t know how to move forward.

Until yesterday, I thought i have an amazing relationship, he was everything i wanted and more, my children love and adore him. My friends thought highly of him. We planned our retirement in 10 years when both of my children are in their 20s.

My mum is coming for a month Visit ( she lives the other side of the world) and it will be the first time she meet him in person.

i have been struggling all night crying my heart out and not knowing what to do. What can i tell my children, i broke their happy home once since I could not copped living with their dad. I can’t bring myself to do it again to them. I am worried the impact it will have on them this time since they are much older and understand more and more importantly the bond they have with him is unreal.

I don’t know how to tell my Mum as the last thing i want to do to my sick mother is making her worry about me. I hidden my divorce 3 years before i told my parents about it.

i have confronted him last night and he didn’t think he has done anything wrong because it was 2 years old messages and that he has very minimal contact with his ex wife these day.

His reaction last night shocked me more than anything, he said that he care for her as she is used to be someone he was married to, blah blah but he failed to mentioned that he care for my feelings. He said i read thing out of context, while English isn’t my first language i am pretty sure “I love you always” mean pretty much that.

AIBU to feel betrayed and upset? How can we move on from this? Sorry for long post but I just want to get this off my chest. I can’t tell my friends or family just yet until I decide what to do.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 04/06/2023 08:13

With kindness op, you're overreacting. The messages are from 2 years ago between a man and his ex wife - you don't mention whether their split was amicable or not. Sometimes the romantic love fizzles out but a deep set feeling of affection remains. If he rarely talks to his ex wife anymore then I doubt you have anything to worry about

CornishGem1975 · 04/06/2023 08:22

I don't think is is relationship-ending, so you probably need to calm down and rationalise a bit.

Littlegoth · 04/06/2023 08:26

It’s two years ago but at that point OP had been with him for 5 years. I get why she’s upset.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 08:26

How horrible and heartbreaking!
I wouldn’t want to be second (if even that) best to anyone.
Couldn’t do it.
And all these years now he’s lied to you.

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/06/2023 08:30

Can I ask why you went through his phone? Deep down, were you suspicious of something?

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 08:34

You are together for 7 years.
He sent these messages 2 years ago, while you were in a relationship with him. He had no business doing this. If he was committed to you.
He is minimising this and I wouldn't be happy.

perfectcolourfound · 04/06/2023 08:36

I think you must have known something wasn't right, or you didn't trust him, because you went through his phone. What led to you doing that?

As far as his defense goes- that's rubbish. He was sending loving messages to his ex when he'd already been with you 5 years??!! Don't let him downplay that.

Ex means ex. In the past. You might feel affection for an ex, especially if the break up was amicable, but exchanging numerous text messages saying I love you and wishing they could turn back time....that goes far beyond that.

The fact it was 2 years ago is a red herring. Ask him how he would fel if he discovered today that 2 years ago you were exchanging loving messages with another man. Would he think that was OK and forget about it?

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 04/06/2023 08:36

OK, so you have every right to be upset here op. I would be, very much so.

He had been with you for 5 years at the point of the messages.

I understand you can retain some affection for a previous spouse or partner. I bear none of mine any ill will and I very much hope they are happy for the rest of their lives. But I do not love them still. In any capacity.

You need to sit down and unpick this with him and make it very clear that you want the truth of the matter because if this were my husband and if at any point I felt he was lying to me it would be over.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:39

Tell his ex wife to back off. Do this by message so you have a copy. Tell your dh that if he has any contact with his ex, other than kid related if they have kids together that’s the end of your relationship. If she contacts him he is to let you know and to show you the communication. How horrid of him. Let him know that you don’t agree with his cheating.

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with you?

rileynexttime · 04/06/2023 08:39

It is awful and very upsetting but I think there is a tiny bit of truth in "Sometimes the romantic love fizzles out but a deep set feeling of affection remains".

If you've been together for 7 years and are retirement age I'm wondering if your DP was married for a long time ?
Also if the messages were 2 years ago that's during the pandemic and I do think that was a weird time with some people stepping off their hamster wheel of work and normal life and reflecting.Easy to build a fantasy of regrets and could have been and also easy to text about it .Not like living it in reality .

I hope you can resolve this with your DP ,that he realises how it makes you feel and reassures you .

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:39

Tell his ex wife to back off. Do this by message so you have a copy. Tell your dh that if he has any contact with his ex, other than kid related if they have kids together that’s the end of your relationship. If she contacts him he is to let you know and to show you the communication. How horrid of him. Let him know that you don’t agree with his cheating.

Don’t do this uou will look like a loon. It’s a relationship ender.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:40

It’s right to stand your ground.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:41

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

Don’t do this uou will look like a loon. It’s a relationship ender.

Show quote history

It’s right to stand your ground.

rainbowstardrops · 04/06/2023 08:44

Seeing as you'd been with him for about five years when these messages were sent, I don't blame you for being hurt and upset, especially as he's minimising it now and not apologetic or sympathetic to you. I'd be hurt and confused too.
I think you need to have a decent discussion with him and tell him exactly how you feel.

Notamum12345577 · 04/06/2023 08:45

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with you?

Did you read the post? The messages were from 2 years ago, OP and her OH have been together 7 years

Doggymummar · 04/06/2023 08:45

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with you?

The OP had been with him 5 years at this point, I would be upset too if he was sending intimate messages to an ex.

clpsmum · 04/06/2023 08:45

Littlegoth · 04/06/2023 08:26

It’s two years ago but at that point OP had been with him for 5 years. I get why she’s upset.

Agreed. Can't believe other posters find it acceptable

Readingisgoodforyou · 04/06/2023 08:47

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with you?

I think you need to re-read the original post.

Yes the OP has breached his privacy but do you think it's acceptable that he's having conversations like this with his ex wife, 5 years into their relationship? It's completely unacceptable! I can see why the OP feels betrayed!

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 08:48

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:39

Tell his ex wife to back off. Do this by message so you have a copy. Tell your dh that if he has any contact with his ex, other than kid related if they have kids together that’s the end of your relationship. If she contacts him he is to let you know and to show you the communication. How horrid of him. Let him know that you don’t agree with his cheating.

Jesus don't do this!
What stupid advice.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 04/06/2023 08:48

clpsmum · 04/06/2023 08:45

Agreed. Can't believe other posters find it acceptable

Show quote history

They have skim read the op or, lack reading comprehension.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:49

clpsmum · 04/06/2023 08:45

Agreed. Can't believe other posters find it acceptable

Show quote history

Agree. Probably the people here that think it ok would also think it ok for themselves to be cheating on their own partners. Some people have no respect for others.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:50

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 08:48

Jesus don't do this!
What stupid advice.

Show quote history

It’s standing your ground and not being a doormat for the ex.

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 08:53

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:50

It’s standing your ground and not being a doormat for the ex.

Show quote history

The ex wife has nothing to do with this. She owes the OP nothing.
It's her partner of 7 years that is in the wrong.
HE is the one that needs to be reprimanded not the ex.

Nodinnernogift · 04/06/2023 08:53

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:39

I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with you?

For the love of god read the OP properly before you storm in swinging punches.