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Original poster

Found old love message between DP and his ex wife

108 replies

Lotusflower83 · 04/06/2023 08:03

Hi All,

First time poster so please bear with me.

I have been with my DP nearly 7 years, and yesterday for some stupid reason I gone through his phone while he was on a ride with my 2 DD at ( they are mine from previous marriage). I saw all the message from 2 years ago saying they love each other always, how they re live all their memories through text messages, she said how she wish she could go back and time and start again.

i felt sick reading all that messages, I felt betrayed by him. I feel like I have lived in a big massive lie all these years but I don’t know how to move forward.

Until yesterday, I thought i have an amazing relationship, he was everything i wanted and more, my children love and adore him. My friends thought highly of him. We planned our retirement in 10 years when both of my children are in their 20s.

My mum is coming for a month Visit ( she lives the other side of the world) and it will be the first time she meet him in person.

i have been struggling all night crying my heart out and not knowing what to do. What can i tell my children, i broke their happy home once since I could not copped living with their dad. I can’t bring myself to do it again to them. I am worried the impact it will have on them this time since they are much older and understand more and more importantly the bond they have with him is unreal.

I don’t know how to tell my Mum as the last thing i want to do to my sick mother is making her worry about me. I hidden my divorce 3 years before i told my parents about it.

i have confronted him last night and he didn’t think he has done anything wrong because it was 2 years old messages and that he has very minimal contact with his ex wife these day.

His reaction last night shocked me more than anything, he said that he care for her as she is used to be someone he was married to, blah blah but he failed to mentioned that he care for my feelings. He said i read thing out of context, while English isn’t my first language i am pretty sure “I love you always” mean pretty much that.

AIBU to feel betrayed and upset? How can we move on from this? Sorry for long post but I just want to get this off my chest. I can’t tell my friends or family just yet until I decide what to do.

OP posts:
RedRosette2023 · 04/06/2023 12:42

C1N1C · 04/06/2023 09:03

I can see both sides...

They were together a while, and of course, those feelings will linger. It's not shameful to think of exes and wonder what might have been, although it is a little shameful to say that to an ex while in a relationship. I think there is a time in every relationship when you're stressed, just had an argument etc and wonder what might have been. He may have vented to her, but it sounds like she was doing most of the talking and it doesn't sound like he acted on it.

You said he said he sared for her but didn't care for you... isn't seven years the proof you need?

It hurts, I get that, but I think this is a natural transition period. Their relationship ended, there was a reminiscing period, now he's all yours. Try to move on.

A natural transition period? Half a decade?

007DoubleOSeven · 04/06/2023 12:54

A lot of posters seem to have totally missed the fact that the ops husband sent those messages when he was in a long-term relationship with the op! They don't predate their relationship, it's emotional infidelity and raises lots of questions about his faithfulness during their relationship.

Doesn't matter that it was 2 years ago.

Yanbu op.

HostaLuago · 04/06/2023 12:59

007DoubleOSeven · 04/06/2023 12:54

A lot of posters seem to have totally missed the fact that the ops husband sent those messages when he was in a long-term relationship with the op! They don't predate their relationship, it's emotional infidelity and raises lots of questions about his faithfulness during their relationship.

Doesn't matter that it was 2 years ago.

Yanbu op.

Depends who initiated them.

Butterfly44 · 04/06/2023 13:26

"The ex Wife was the one who started expressing her regret and how she will always loves him and wish she could go back in time she would do things differently. He should’ve shut her down but he didn’t which is the bit i am struggling with."

Wishes she could go back and do things differently....you're interpreting this as an expression of wishing they never ended. They could have been horrid to each other...arguing, hurtful, affairs...who knows. That could be the regret. It's a conversation from 2 years ago and I assume he's not given you cause for concern. You admit you don't know why they split (why after this long in a relationship??)

conversationsinthedark · 04/06/2023 13:41

I can't actually believe some of the replies on here saying he's not in the wrong? They had been together five years when these messages were sent?! You don't confess your love to another woman, or send texts reminiscing over past memories with an ex while you're with someone? The poster has every right to be upset in my opinion. If I found messages on my partner of 2 years phone, where he'd been saying stuff like that to his ex (even if it was a month after we got together) he'd be gone!

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/06/2023 14:41

Your update makes it clear that this is all very much in the past. She made a play for him 2 years ago, he dodged it (if they have children together i can imagine he would not want to aggressively shut it down).

His actions (very few messages since) speak volumes here: he's with you and loves you

I deal with an ex wife who won't let go, but what ex wives don't realise is this sort of behaviour just highlights to their ex husbands why they were right to leave

Anaemiafog · 04/06/2023 15:02

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:39

Tell his ex wife to back off. Do this by message so you have a copy. Tell your dh that if he has any contact with his ex, other than kid related if they have kids together that’s the end of your relationship. If she contacts him he is to let you know and to show you the communication. How horrid of him. Let him know that you don’t agree with his cheating.

Do not do this...

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:03

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/06/2023 14:41

Your update makes it clear that this is all very much in the past. She made a play for him 2 years ago, he dodged it (if they have children together i can imagine he would not want to aggressively shut it down).

His actions (very few messages since) speak volumes here: he's with you and loves you

I deal with an ex wife who won't let go, but what ex wives don't realise is this sort of behaviour just highlights to their ex husbands why they were right to leave

They don't have children together, and it was a pretty short relationship. No reason to indulge her at all.

Confused5678 · 04/06/2023 15:09

This relationship needs to end .

KingOfThieves · 04/06/2023 15:11

I believe the context behind why he sent these message at the time could be important.

It is true that he may ALWAYS have some love for his ex wife, while that might not be nice to hear. I don’t think it is appropriate to communicate that with her though, unless there were extreme circumstances? If you were in a happy relationship, why were you snooping? Privacy is important and i don’t think this is worth ending a relationship over.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/06/2023 15:17

I would leave for this --as they had been together 5 years at that point- some of you are obviously way more tolerant than me .

It's all very well still caring for someone and yes still having some feelings- but if you have been with someone else a while then you need to keep those things 'in your head' not self indulgent messages- it's incredibly disrespectful to your current partner

MidnightMeltdown · 04/06/2023 15:21

conversationsinthedark · 04/06/2023 13:41

I can't actually believe some of the replies on here saying he's not in the wrong? They had been together five years when these messages were sent?! You don't confess your love to another woman, or send texts reminiscing over past memories with an ex while you're with someone? The poster has every right to be upset in my opinion. If I found messages on my partner of 2 years phone, where he'd been saying stuff like that to his ex (even if it was a month after we got together) he'd be gone!

I think that this is part of the way society is today. If you meet your partner very young and are each other's first love, then it would be weird for your partner to love another woman.

However these days, most people have multiple long term relationships, and that comes with all kinds of baggage. If you were truly in love with another person, enough to marry them, then quite often those feelings never completely disappear, even when the relationship ends. Love isn't something that you can just switch off like a tap.

Fleebags · 04/06/2023 15:21

Crikeyalmighty · 04/06/2023 15:17

I would leave for this --as they had been together 5 years at that point- some of you are obviously way more tolerant than me .

It's all very well still caring for someone and yes still having some feelings- but if you have been with someone else a while then you need to keep those things 'in your head' not self indulgent messages- it's incredibly disrespectful to your current partner

So would I.

Bourganvillian · 04/06/2023 15:24

It’s unrealistic to expect him to shut her down once she expressed her regret. You say you don’t know why they split, so this was possibly some closure for him. You are clearly not suggesting he’s acted on what she said if contact has been minimal the last few years, and that’s what’s important. But you can’t control his those messages might have made him feel. We don’t own anyone, not our partners, spouses, children, and we’re all entitled to a degree of privacy to help process feelings and thoughts

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/06/2023 15:27

Do some people not read posts? Op has been with this guy for SEVEN years, and these messages were from TWO years ago. Ie he is betraying the op, and saying he still loves his ex, while with the op. Op, this is unacceptable (to me anyway).

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:28

However these days, most people have multiple long term relationships, and that comes with all kinds of baggage. If you were truly in love with another person, enough to marry them, then quite often those feelings never completely disappear, even when the relationship ends. Love isn't something that you can just switch off like a tap.

Most people still expect their partner's to resolve any residual feelings they have for their ex before getting into a new relationship. That hasn't changed. Fond feelings or memories are not the same as love, regret, or wishing you were still in a relationship with them.

If you can't resolve those feelings or haven't yet you should be explicit about that or stay single.

PitYacker · 04/06/2023 15:34

TeddyBeans · 04/06/2023 08:13

With kindness op, you're overreacting. The messages are from 2 years ago between a man and his ex wife - you don't mention whether their split was amicable or not. Sometimes the romantic love fizzles out but a deep set feeling of affection remains. If he rarely talks to his ex wife anymore then I doubt you have anything to worry about

So if you were with your partner for 5 years you honestly wouldn't mind him messaging his ex saying how much they love each other and always will? Wow.

Flounder2022 · 04/06/2023 15:41

My DP will always have love for his ex wife. They have 2 DC and had a reasonably amicable split. When I first heard/realised that it was hard so I do understand. But that doesn't mean he does not love me or loves me less. She was a part of his life that can't be erased. But those types of feeling change, they become a different type of love and only take away from our relationship if I let them. Don't let them.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:46

Flounder2022 · 04/06/2023 15:41

My DP will always have love for his ex wife. They have 2 DC and had a reasonably amicable split. When I first heard/realised that it was hard so I do understand. But that doesn't mean he does not love me or loves me less. She was a part of his life that can't be erased. But those types of feeling change, they become a different type of love and only take away from our relationship if I let them. Don't let them.

Or you could just be in a relationship that doesn't hurt you and in which you don't have to bend yourself out of shape to accept something that doesn't feel right to you.

MidnightMeltdown · 04/06/2023 15:51

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:28

However these days, most people have multiple long term relationships, and that comes with all kinds of baggage. If you were truly in love with another person, enough to marry them, then quite often those feelings never completely disappear, even when the relationship ends. Love isn't something that you can just switch off like a tap.

Most people still expect their partner's to resolve any residual feelings they have for their ex before getting into a new relationship. That hasn't changed. Fond feelings or memories are not the same as love, regret, or wishing you were still in a relationship with them.

If you can't resolve those feelings or haven't yet you should be explicit about that or stay single.

But he didn't say that he wished that he was still with her. As I understood OPs original post, he said something along the lines of 'part of me will always love/care for you'. That's something different entirely.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:53

But he didn't say that he wished that he was still with her. As I understood OPs original post, he said something along the lines of 'part of me will always love/care for you'. That's something different entirely.

Yes, I know, it's unclear exactly what he said. I was more commenting generally on comments saying it's normal to still have feelings for your exes these days.

InSpainTheRain · 04/06/2023 16:08

If he was still really into her 2 years ago whilst with you and the messages were all lovey dovey and even explicit then you have a point and I would think he's done something very wrong.

But, is it more like "you'll always have a place in my heart but we can't be together because it doesn't work for us as we're not compatible" type thing?

I ask because I think unless a break up is really acrimonious a lot of people feel like they'll have a soft spot for that person. They know for whatever reason they can't be together but they are a bit sorry it didn't work out. That doesn't take anything from your relationship with him.

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 04/06/2023 16:18

Why do ex wives often act as though they own their ex? Totally inappropriate behaviour by her and him for not closing it down, also massively disrespectful of him for not being open and honest with OP. I'd be interested to know back ground such as who suggested the marriage break up.

However, the proof is there before you OP. He is with you and has been for 5 years since those messages were sent. He's not having an affair with her and you don't report any other poor behaviours on his part. As you've mentioned, he hardly communicates with her these days. Do not let this minor matter destroy your relationship.

conversationsinthedark · 04/06/2023 16:22

MidnightMeltdown · 04/06/2023 15:21

I think that this is part of the way society is today. If you meet your partner very young and are each other's first love, then it would be weird for your partner to love another woman.

However these days, most people have multiple long term relationships, and that comes with all kinds of baggage. If you were truly in love with another person, enough to marry them, then quite often those feelings never completely disappear, even when the relationship ends. Love isn't something that you can just switch off like a tap.

Show quote history

I value your opinion, but I don't agree. I met my children's father aged 18 - first love, first everything IYKWIM..married, 2 children, dog, house. We were together ten years. We split, and I moved on. My current boyfriend of 2.5 years would be devastated if he found messages between me and my exH reminiscing, talking about fond memories, saying we would always love each other etc. Fortunately, I don't hold any kind of love for my ex, but even if I did - out of decency to my boyfriend I would never ever communicate that with my ex whilst I was not single. It's leaving a door open in my opinion. X

brunettemic · 04/06/2023 16:28

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/06/2023 08:30

Can I ask why you went through his phone? Deep down, were you suspicious of something?

Exactly this. Why would you go through his phone for now reason and get to messages from 2 years ago?! Clearly something has set that off. I never understand how so many MN posts start with “I just sent through his phone”…it never even occurs to me to go through DH’a phone.

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