Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found old love message between DP and his ex wife

108 replies

Lotusflower83 · 04/06/2023 08:03

Hi All,

First time poster so please bear with me.

I have been with my DP nearly 7 years, and yesterday for some stupid reason I gone through his phone while he was on a ride with my 2 DD at ( they are mine from previous marriage). I saw all the message from 2 years ago saying they love each other always, how they re live all their memories through text messages, she said how she wish she could go back and time and start again.

i felt sick reading all that messages, I felt betrayed by him. I feel like I have lived in a big massive lie all these years but I don’t know how to move forward.

Until yesterday, I thought i have an amazing relationship, he was everything i wanted and more, my children love and adore him. My friends thought highly of him. We planned our retirement in 10 years when both of my children are in their 20s.

My mum is coming for a month Visit ( she lives the other side of the world) and it will be the first time she meet him in person.

i have been struggling all night crying my heart out and not knowing what to do. What can i tell my children, i broke their happy home once since I could not copped living with their dad. I can’t bring myself to do it again to them. I am worried the impact it will have on them this time since they are much older and understand more and more importantly the bond they have with him is unreal.

I don’t know how to tell my Mum as the last thing i want to do to my sick mother is making her worry about me. I hidden my divorce 3 years before i told my parents about it.

i have confronted him last night and he didn’t think he has done anything wrong because it was 2 years old messages and that he has very minimal contact with his ex wife these day.

His reaction last night shocked me more than anything, he said that he care for her as she is used to be someone he was married to, blah blah but he failed to mentioned that he care for my feelings. He said i read thing out of context, while English isn’t my first language i am pretty sure “I love you always” mean pretty much that.

AIBU to feel betrayed and upset? How can we move on from this? Sorry for long post but I just want to get this off my chest. I can’t tell my friends or family just yet until I decide what to do.

OP posts:
Malificent1 · 04/06/2023 08:58

I’m so sorry OP, what a terrible shock. He should not have been sending messages like that to anyone whilst in a long standing relationship with you. And your English reads perfectly to me, so I don’t believe for a second that you’ve read things “out of context”. That’s classic gaslighting, trying to make the other person believe that they’re a bit crazy and nothing wrong has happened. I’m sorry.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2023 09:01

TeddyBeans · 04/06/2023 08:13

With kindness op, you're overreacting. The messages are from 2 years ago between a man and his ex wife - you don't mention whether their split was amicable or not. Sometimes the romantic love fizzles out but a deep set feeling of affection remains. If he rarely talks to his ex wife anymore then I doubt you have anything to worry about

I think this also and agree 2 years ago was a strange time due to the pandemic and lockdowns.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 09:01

The ex showed no respect towards the partner of her exH. She needs to be told by both her exH and the exH partner to get lost. I wonder if she has a new relationship? If she doesn’t agree to back off and retract her words then her new relationship needs to know what has gone on. If her new relationship includes the time she wrote to her exH then the new relationship person needs to know. This is what I would be doing.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 09:02

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 08:53

The ex wife has nothing to do with this. She owes the OP nothing.
It's her partner of 7 years that is in the wrong.
HE is the one that needs to be reprimanded not the ex.

Show quote history

The ex showed no respect towards the partner of her exH. She needs to be told by both her exH and the exH partner to get lost. I wonder if she has a new relationship? If she doesn’t agree to back off and retract her words then her new relationship needs to know what has gone on. If her new relationship includes the time she wrote to her exH then the new relationship person needs to know. This is what I would be doing.

C1N1C · 04/06/2023 09:03

I can see both sides...

They were together a while, and of course, those feelings will linger. It's not shameful to think of exes and wonder what might have been, although it is a little shameful to say that to an ex while in a relationship. I think there is a time in every relationship when you're stressed, just had an argument etc and wonder what might have been. He may have vented to her, but it sounds like she was doing most of the talking and it doesn't sound like he acted on it.

You said he said he sared for her but didn't care for you... isn't seven years the proof you need?

It hurts, I get that, but I think this is a natural transition period. Their relationship ended, there was a reminiscing period, now he's all yours. Try to move on.

CornishGem1975 · 04/06/2023 09:07

I didn't say I found it acceptable - I said it's not relationship-ending. Because it's not.

sunnydaysandhappythoughts · 04/06/2023 09:08

@ButterCrackers this is not good advice, there's a difference between having self-respect and being controlling. If the OP did what this poster advises their partner would be justified in ending it for the OP being controlling

cuckyplunt · 04/06/2023 09:09

Never look for information unless you are prepared to deal with it when you find it.
Hindsight is 20-20 and maybe they would deal with things differently if they had their time again, but they don’t. The reasons they split remain valid, both have moved on. It doesn’t prevent them having nostalgia, but there is no question of them wanting to get back together.
Put his phone away, have a cry if you need to and then forget this. It needn’t affect your relationship unless you let it.

mrsblueskyeye · 04/06/2023 09:10

"Until yesterday, I thought i have an amazing relationship"

So why did you need to go through his phone, and back as far as 2 years?

When he finds out you did that do you think he will think you have an amazing relationship?

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 09:12

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 09:02

The ex showed no respect towards the partner of her exH. She needs to be told by both her exH and the exH partner to get lost. I wonder if she has a new relationship? If she doesn’t agree to back off and retract her words then her new relationship needs to know what has gone on. If her new relationship includes the time she wrote to her exH then the new relationship person needs to know. This is what I would be doing.

Show quote history

There really is no reasoning with you.
You are fixated on the ex wife. Who has NOTHING to do with the OP.

OneTwoThreeFourFiveOnceI · 04/06/2023 09:24

I'd be very upset given that you had been together five years at that point. Was it a one off message conversation limited to a narrow time period or something that was ongoing for a considerable period.

I think his reaction is out of order btw

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 09:28

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2023 09:12

There really is no reasoning with you.
You are fixated on the ex wife. Who has NOTHING to do with the OP.

Show quote history

Unless I misunderstood the post the ex wife was involved in the messages? If so she is part of the problem and needs tackling.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 09:28

I really feel for you OP, and agree with others that this sounds totally inappropriate at this stage of his relationship with you. Not acceptable at all.

The only thing that makes me hesitate is not knowing exactly what he said, and with you saying English is not your first language, is there any chance it was her saying these things, and him placating her? So, for example, her saying a lot about loving him and wondering what might have been, and him reluctantly responding that "he'll always have love for her" to try to be nice, but effectively shutting her down? If not, and he was definitely an equal participant in the conversation, I'm totally with you.

Namechange666 · 04/06/2023 09:29

It doesn't matter whether English is your first language or not or even if it were mine, I would be extremely upset to see that if we'd been together 5 years and my partner was sending that to his ex wife.

Well, if he had one but that's by the by.

He has no need to reminisce after 5 years with another person.

Is it worth splitting up for?

Only you can decide that. However don't let him gaslight you about your use of English, I'd sit down with him and have a proper talk about why he felt the need to message his ex wife like that when he is now with you and where does it leave you.

Communication is key here.

Motnight · 04/06/2023 09:31

I would be really upset too, Op.

WandaWonder · 04/06/2023 09:32

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 08:39

Tell his ex wife to back off. Do this by message so you have a copy. Tell your dh that if he has any contact with his ex, other than kid related if they have kids together that’s the end of your relationship. If she contacts him he is to let you know and to show you the communication. How horrid of him. Let him know that you don’t agree with his cheating.

This is utterly ridiculous

Fedupwife28 · 04/06/2023 09:34

This must be so hurtful OP, especially since it doesn’t sound like he’s at all apologetic. It’s not okay and it’s not fair on you. You had given him five years of your life at that point, so why does he still need to contact his ex wife and discuss feelings? Out of respect, he should have shut her down and cut communication if she was expressing she still loved him etc. It is up to you what you do but you deserve respect.

Butterfly44 · 04/06/2023 09:35

My interpretation
Him saying I'll always love you could very well be true. But not in the romantic sense! You can absolutely care deeply for someone you were previously married to and had a family with while going onto a new life path.
Sounds like it was an amicable split.
The ex saying about going back - in a way is an apology for all that went wrong. Signalling regret for issues that caused the split. It doesn't mean literally. I assume they have children together hence the continued minimal contact.
From your point of view I understand how you are feeling but give it a few days to rationalise and calm down.

Dibbydoos · 04/06/2023 09:43

Hi OP.

I understand why you're upset, but love has so many different versions and meanings. Your DP is with you, he was with you and stayed with you even after the text messages. If the texts really were the kind of love between partners, he would have found a way to leave you by now, so please don't worry about your relationship.

You do though need to talk more, about how reading the texts has affected you and hurt your feelings. Most men aren't good at talking about feelings because culturally we don't allow them to, so I hope your DP has learnt that talking about feelings is good. Clear the air with him.

Pls don't think this is a situ where you need to consider ending things with him. You don't.

Good luck, OP. X

ProfessorXtra · 04/06/2023 09:46

@ButterCrackers Op doesn’t get to dictate someone else behaviour. Or blame someone else for her Dps behaviour. If you have to tell someone to back off, then the relationship is already in the toilet.

Back to the original issue.

@Lotusflower83 Can you explain why if the relationship is so wonderful, after 7 years you decided to go through his messages?

The context of the messages really does matter. I will always love my exh, I was with him from 18 to 34z there will always be love for someone I shared a huge part of my life with. I also wish it could have worked out. I love my dp. But I can’t lie and pretend that I don’t wish my kids and me had, had to go through separation.

That doesn’t mean I am in love with him or that I don’t love my dp. From a romantic relationship point of view, Dp is the one for me now.

Realistically, most of us have feelings that we do not share with our partner. I would never tell do that I wish the marriage had been good and worked out, in an ideal world. I would never go back to my ex and would choose dp over any other romantic partner now. But I wish we hadn’t gone through what we have in the last 8 years. I regret that we couldn’t make it work.

I wouldn’t say this to Dp because it’s complicated and potentially hurtful. I know for a fact that he still cares for his ex wife. But have no worries he wants her back. Or choose her over me. But for his twenties and most of his thrities. He loved her. She was there when his dad died. He was there when her dad died. They didn’t have kids but he raised her son as his own and considers him his own. They have that shared history and a lot of good times.

Dp wouldn’t say it to me. But I know they must have had really good times and were really in love at one point.

MyAnacondaMight · 04/06/2023 09:55

DO NOT contact the ex wife. Please. It was 2 years ago. You would sound deranged and lose all dignity.

Yes it’s a smack in the face and very hurtful to read. But it’s not unreasonable to still love someone you were married to. It was disrespectful of him to tell her that while supposedly happy with you: that’s the core issue. It was also disrespectful of you to go browsing through his messages. But this sounds very fixable by apologies both ways and some reassurance from him to you that you’re the one he wants to be with.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 10:05

But it’s not unreasonable to still love someone you were married to.

That's entirely subjective. I would not be willing to be with someone who still loved their ex, married or not.

Still have positive memories of them and/or are able to get on with them? Sure. Still love them? Absolutely not.

It's entirely reasonable for that to be a dealbreaker and people should not just assume it won't be.

SapphireStar77 · 04/06/2023 10:11

rileynexttime · 04/06/2023 08:39

It is awful and very upsetting but I think there is a tiny bit of truth in "Sometimes the romantic love fizzles out but a deep set feeling of affection remains".

If you've been together for 7 years and are retirement age I'm wondering if your DP was married for a long time ?
Also if the messages were 2 years ago that's during the pandemic and I do think that was a weird time with some people stepping off their hamster wheel of work and normal life and reflecting.Easy to build a fantasy of regrets and could have been and also easy to text about it .Not like living it in reality .

I hope you can resolve this with your DP ,that he realises how it makes you feel and reassures you .

Great reply, especially about the pandemic

stealthninjamum · 04/06/2023 10:47

I’m sorry op, I would be upset about that. A pp was right that in covid perhaps people were evaluating their lives more and saying stupid things, perhaps she was depressed / lonely and he was reassuring her but that doesn’t excuse the way he spoke to you when you asked him about the messages. Anything other than a profound apology and request to make things right isn’t enough.

if you choose to end the relationship don’t blame yourself for it and don’t worry about the impact on your mum and dc. It feels like you don’t put yourself first, sometimes you need to.

ButterCrackers · 04/06/2023 10:49

ProfessorXtra · 04/06/2023 09:46

@ButterCrackers Op doesn’t get to dictate someone else behaviour. Or blame someone else for her Dps behaviour. If you have to tell someone to back off, then the relationship is already in the toilet.

Back to the original issue.

@Lotusflower83 Can you explain why if the relationship is so wonderful, after 7 years you decided to go through his messages?

The context of the messages really does matter. I will always love my exh, I was with him from 18 to 34z there will always be love for someone I shared a huge part of my life with. I also wish it could have worked out. I love my dp. But I can’t lie and pretend that I don’t wish my kids and me had, had to go through separation.

That doesn’t mean I am in love with him or that I don’t love my dp. From a romantic relationship point of view, Dp is the one for me now.

Realistically, most of us have feelings that we do not share with our partner. I would never tell do that I wish the marriage had been good and worked out, in an ideal world. I would never go back to my ex and would choose dp over any other romantic partner now. But I wish we hadn’t gone through what we have in the last 8 years. I regret that we couldn’t make it work.

I wouldn’t say this to Dp because it’s complicated and potentially hurtful. I know for a fact that he still cares for his ex wife. But have no worries he wants her back. Or choose her over me. But for his twenties and most of his thrities. He loved her. She was there when his dad died. He was there when her dad died. They didn’t have kids but he raised her son as his own and considers him his own. They have that shared history and a lot of good times.

Dp wouldn’t say it to me. But I know they must have had really good times and were really in love at one point.

The op was disrespected by the ex. I’d be sorting out the disrespect by letting the ex know that I knew. If the ex had a relationship that existed at the time of the messages that was ongoing I’d be letting their partner know about the cheating. The ex would therefore know that to disrespect and mess with me has consequences. The dh would know my disgust and I’d be rethinking the relationship there. It’s about self value.