Found old love message between DP and his ex wife

[Lotusflower83]

Hi All,

First time poster so please bear with me.

I have been with my DP nearly 7 years, and yesterday for some stupid reason I gone through his phone while he was on a ride with my 2 DD at ( they are mine from previous marriage). I saw all the message from 2 years ago saying they love each other always, how they re live all their memories through text messages, she said how she wish she could go back and time and start again.

i felt sick reading all that messages, I felt betrayed by him. I feel like I have lived in a big massive lie all these years but I don’t know how to move forward.

Until yesterday, I thought i have an amazing relationship, he was everything i wanted and more, my children love and adore him. My friends thought highly of him. We planned our retirement in 10 years when both of my children are in their 20s.

My mum is coming for a month Visit ( she lives the other side of the world) and it will be the first time she meet him in person.

i have been struggling all night crying my heart out and not knowing what to do. What can i tell my children, i broke their happy home once since I could not copped living with their dad. I can’t bring myself to do it again to them. I am worried the impact it will have on them this time since they are much older and understand more and more importantly the bond they have with him is unreal.

I don’t know how to tell my Mum as the last thing i want to do to my sick mother is making her worry about me. I hidden my divorce 3 years before i told my parents about it.

i have confronted him last night and he didn’t think he has done anything wrong because it was 2 years old messages and that he has very minimal contact with his ex wife these day.

His reaction last night shocked me more than anything, he said that he care for her as she is used to be someone he was married to, blah blah but he failed to mentioned that he care for my feelings. He said i read thing out of context, while English isn’t my first language i am pretty sure “I love you always” mean pretty much that.

AIBU to feel betrayed and upset? How can we move on from this? Sorry for long post but I just want to get this off my chest. I can’t tell my friends or family just yet until I decide what to do.

Behave yourself. If the ex intention was to disrespect the Op, they aren’t going to care or be shaking in their little boots now.

The ex didn’t mess with the Op. they had a conversation with their own ex. If there’s any disrespect here, it would be the Ops Dp that’s responsible for it.

Let’s assume the ex wife did have a partner. What are the consequences if they know? Or understand the context and are ok with it and understand. The only consequences would be that you look ridiculous. That’s not self value. That’s anger. And insecurity.

I wouldn’t be happy either. But you say you have a 2 year old, then that you will retire in 10 years time because both your children are then in their 20’s..?

No she doesn't. She says she has 2 daughters. Not a 2 Yr old daughter.

I completely agree with this post by @Butterfly44

I get why you are upset.

But if you want things to work this does not have to be a deal breaker. It was her who said she wishes she could go back, not him.

And if they have not been in contact for two years..
Get a good relationship therapist and work through this.

@Butterfly44 i also agree with this post. I am not with my ex anymore but I love him still, I’ll always love him but we were fundamentally incompatible. He is the father of my 2 children and we shared great times together, it wasn’t all bad. Would I ever get back with him, absolutely not.

If a future partner had a problem with how I feel about my ex that’s their issue not mine and I would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. If this is not sitting comfortably for you OP, that’s okay and that’s your boundaries but it should be okay to still love people in your life who were significant at one stage in my opinion. I wish you well OP.

Who initiated this messaging? I’m wondering if it was the ex, maybe ruminating, reaching out to express regret - and then your partner, wanting to be kind, giving her some platitudes in return. Without the full context of the messages it’s hard to know what was going on or what they were thinking.

I would be upset in your situation OP, but to be fair I’d also be really upset if my partner went through my phone looking at everything over the last few years or more…

This.

My DPs ex wife declared she loved him the other week "as my best friend and father of our children" when he decided because our relationship is serious that they needed to speak less often and with less kisses in every message 🙄

He's told me before she's one of his best friends and he'll always have love for her, but that's a different kind of love from the kind he has with me.

Remember his ex is his past, you're his future

The thing that shocks me most here is that the OP thought it was fine to go through her partner's phone messages. Just no!! Of course, he had or has feelings for his ex-wife - that is completely normal. If anyone is ending the relationship, perhaps it should be him, because his privacy has been so ruthlessly invaded?

He is with you. He may love her but he loves you more. If he wanted to be with her he would be. It doesn't invalidate his feelings for you. Try and see it as proof of how much he loves you. Despite feeling that for her you are still the one.

It all depends on what we mean by love.

Despite its wide vocabulary, the English language is really lacking when it comes to the word "love". It seems to mean so many different things to different people!

He was sending these messages to his ex-wife when he'd been with the OP for five years!! Would you be happy with your partner sending these messages to another women after half a decade with you?!

Wtaf??!!

She's been in a (presumably) cohabiting relationship with him as a step parent to get kids for 7 years.

@ButterCrackers seriously, you need to get past the ex thing. She has backed off - the messages are from two years ago. OP would look mental confronting her about it now and getting wound up about being disrespected.

This is between OP and her DP and better to focus on the calmer, wiser advice in some posts that see the complexities of failed relationships and past regrets as people get older. OP, you know him best and this needn't undo everything you know but will doubtless make it less black and white. He's no longer amazing and everything you dreamed of, he's a man with a past, an ex-wife and an inner life that has many corners you can't know everything about, just as you have a past and thoughts that you might not want him to be aware of.

The bottom line is to understand what he meant by the comments about love and whether there is anything to be genuinely threatened by or whether it's more about the sadness of things not working out, which can still be there even when you truly love a new partner. This can't be swept under the rug. To rebuild your trust - and genuinely build real trust in each other, as it was fragile already given that you felt compelled to snoop - you'll both have to talk this through with understanding and not attack/defence emotions clouding it all. Maybe it will be helpful to have a third party (counsellor) to make that happen.

*It all depends on what we mean by love.

Despite its wide vocabulary, the English language is really lacking when it comes to the word "love". It seems to mean so many different things to different people!*

I agree it makes a difference what he means by love, but would be giving anyone that would use that word a wide berth tbh. I'm not interested in being with someone with that level of emotional entanglement with somebody else.

Lol I can only presume from the posts on here that mN is chock full of ex wives who declare feelings for their ex husband's and regret that their relationship broke down (at least 7 years earlier) while their ex hub is in a long-term relationship with another woman & step parenting her kids.

Absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Ive rarely seen more ridiculous, wrong heated responses to a post on here, and that's saying something.

Everyone normal must be at the beach.

*wrong headed

I don't get why people try and talk people around to accept this kind of thing and "try and see it" as acceptable. It is perfectly reasonable not to be willing to be with someone that has feelings for somebody else, full stop, regardless of which feelings are strongest.

It is NOT normal to be in a relationship with somebody when you still have romantic feelings for somebody else. Seriously, what is wrong with people on here? Sort out your shit before you get into a new relationship, it is not fair to them to spend the rest of your life claiming it's fine for you to still be carrying a torch for somebody else.

Peonyfun · Today 08:39
I think you’re behaving terribly. How dare you breach his privacy and read his messages and then “confront him” how appalling. It was a previous relationship, of course they said stuff like that. And now sitting crying about it. What’s wrong with “

Don’t be so nasty. This was two years ago, when OP was married to him.

I think that you're reading to much into it. If he wanted to be with her then he would be, but he's not.

I think it's quite normal to always have some level of love/care for someone that you had an intimate relationship with. They were married after all. Splitting up doesn't mean that you must hate your ex, it's better if you can part with love.

Is be upset if my bf was sending those kinds of messages to his exw whilst we were together.

I can understand why you are upset. I think it is a natural human response. That being said I think is fairly common for people to still have feelings for an ex particularly if it was a lengthily relationship and children were involved. I think most people have the fantasy of meeting the one, getting married, have children and live happily ever after. Things don't always work out. People move on and get into new relationship. That doesn't mean you don't have regrets or mourn the loss of that relationship.

Yes it would be upsetting but context is everything.

Who ended their relationship initially ?

If it was her, and her life and the decisions she made have gone pear shaped then I could understand how she may be reliving her regrets and he is pacifying her.

Only you know if you believe she could click her fingers and he would go back.

Or did he leave her and the newness has worn off from a man who was bored with his first wife and now is becoming bored again.

If no more communication has occured since those texts maybe it was just a wobble with both of them, closure in a way for the marriage finally ending, making their peace.
Only they know but I do think you deserve some actual answers about these messages.

Hi Everyone,

thank you for all the valid advice, I can’t respond to individual message but I appreciate every single one of them.

I’m not the type to blame the OW for anything goes wrong in my relationship. However the ex wife does know about my existence as we have bumped into her when we were on holiday in Pembrokeshire a few years back. We also bumped into her when we were out in town as well. I find its a bit cruel for her to send all that sort of messages knowing full well her ex is now with someone but again I blame my DP for not respecting me enough to keep within the boundaries.

I’m also ashamed of myself for going through his phone. I have no excuse why i did it ( I guess woman instinct). I should not have done it but when i was trying to share photos on his phone my phone, I saw her name came up as recent message ( his bday was recently) I couldn’t help but read the messages. Someone said why i scrolled as far back as 2 years, It wasn’t that much since they have not been in touch much for the pass 2 years .

The ex Wife was the one who started expressing her regret and how she will always loves him and wish she could go back in time she would do things differently. He should’ve shut her down but he didn’t which is the bit i am struggling with.

I didn’t know the reason why they split but what i know that they remained good friends which I have no problem with at all. I wish they both could keep it within the boundaries and not knowingly hurting other people. They have only been with each other total 5 years included 3 years of marriage and got no children.

I have always trust my DP until now. I have spoken to him this Morning and have told him how his actions have made me feel and He did assure me that was nothing going on between them and he understands how i feel the way i feel. He asked if I could trust him and acknowledge how hard he has been trying for us to get to where we are today. He said if he wanted to go back to her he would have done long time ago but he didn’t.

I hope we can overcome this and work thing through. Once again, thank you everyone for your kind advice and have a good Sunday