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Original poster

Getting married soon and I've fallen out with in laws

121 replies

abs89 · 03/06/2023 14:07

I had my hen do 3 weeks ago and my partners sister got drunk, made the whole night about herself and even sat in front of my mum saying she would have my kids overnight so me and her brother could have sex on our wedding night (we're getting married abroad). Long story short she got home and blamed the drama on their cousin who was also at my hen do and was the one trying to calm her down so the night wasn't ruined. After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened".

Back story. I've never liked his sister. She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal, plays the mental health card over and over and she's a massive liar. She also never takes responsibility for her own actions and blames everyone else. Personally I believe she's a narcissist but that's just my opinion. Despite how I feel about her I've always tried with her for my partners sake. Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

That evening his mum text me having a go and I just told her how this could have all been avoided if SIL had just apologised and that they are enabling her behaviour by never holding her accountable. The next day the SIL blocked me and a few days later the MIL blocks me too. I then left their family group chat (his sister left the morning of the hen do. Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)

My partner doesn't do confrontation. He would rather brush it under the carpet and I'm struggling with that. He isn't going out his way to make conversation with them but he will reply. Yesterday he briefly saw a message from his mum and thought they would be asking to see the kids so he told me he was happy to take the kids alone. Turns out she just wanted a picture of them (she hasn't seen them in over 3 weeks and this is really common for her. She doesn't bother with our kids at all) but it's got me thinking today how shitty it is he's willing to go over there without me with all this going on and just play happy families.

His mum hasn't reached out to him since the hen do and his entire family are acting like nothings happened. They are all blaming the cousin for the drama that night and now I'm the bad guy for upsetting the SIL. I've spoken to my partner about plans going forward but doesn't really wanna talk about it as he's struggling because of the position he's in but we need to figure something out.

So what should I do about the wedding that's literally in 55 days? What happens then because currently his family aren't speaking to me (his mum, dad and sister who are the ones coming. I saw his cousin the other day, we are fine).

My concern is I don't want my wedding day ruined. They've paid to go abroad and to watch us get married but I kinda think well you can still go on your holiday without coming to the wedding. All I can think is how awkward it's going to be. Regardless of SIL there's so much tension between the MIL and myself now especially as she felt the need to block me. I just don't want my wedding day ruined.

My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like. He's even said he isn't bothered if they come to the wedding but I know he's not going to agree if I say I don't want them there. Maybe he will agree I don't know but it's so techy to talk about all this at the minute. Going forward after the wedding I want nothing to do with them but how do I approach the wedding? Like I say it's literally 55 days away.

(sorry its so long)

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 03/06/2023 14:20

It reads like your dp is the quiet, unimportant one of the family and his sister has successfully made it so his wedding - one event that should be rightly about him and his new wife - is now all about the sister, how she’ll behave, will the family turn up, how she feels about his wedding etc.

So I’d go the other way, don’t feed the drama. Pretend it’s not happened. On the day, be polite to them but make a massive fuss of your family and friends, make sure your dcs are centre of attention etc. just act like they don’t matter, which they don’t.

long term you will probably just have to keep them at arms length and make it so your family are the ones your dc sees as that way future drama will have less negative effect.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/06/2023 14:22

"My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like".

Does he really have your back here?. He needs to realise his own inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you. He is also mired in fear, obligation and guilt re them. I would think his childhood was rather difficult because his sister has always been the favoured one/golden child (a role itself not without price). People like his sister never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions and you are right to surmise her mother and father have also enabled her. I have read his entire family has closed ranks on you people as well, that was always going to happen. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. It is likely that your man is the scapegoat and as a result all you people as his family are and get scapegoated too.

I would continue with your plans to get married and maintain a no contact position with his sister and mother. If they are not at your wedding so be it, that is their choice not to come.

You were right to act as you did but such families like your fiance's do not and never play by the "normal" rules of familial engagement; infact those go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families. Do not further contact them; doing so invites a response and toxic people really do like nothing more than a fight and or the last word.

If they are too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for the kids too so your future H should not be taking them around to see his mother and or sister. Would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

ConcernedCatmother · 03/06/2023 14:23

The fact the mum blocked you is insane, but ultimately you have a husband problem if he isn’t going to stand up for their crappy behaviour. You will be his wife, he is meant to defend you…

I call men like that a man-baby, who say “I don’t want confrontation”……which makes no sense as his mum has already started confrontation by blocking you. So what he really means is he won’t stand up against someone treating you badly.

personally I’d run for the hills and not marry this man-baby, but that isn’t what you want to hear.

Just know, unless things change….this will likely be an ongoing feature of your life.

Changingplace · 03/06/2023 14:27

What else did she actually do/say?

Yeah saying she’d have the kids specifically do you could have sex is too much info, but it’s not like she was having a go at you, more like she was drunk so it came out bluntly!

Timeforchangeithink · 03/06/2023 14:28

But what did she actually do? The sex comment is cringy but apart from that it's hard to tell what all the drama is about.

Changeforachange · 03/06/2023 14:35

Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

Can I ask - what effect did you think this response was going to have?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 03/06/2023 14:39

It dounds like you're the one fresting drama not the sister!

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 03/06/2023 14:43

So she was pissed and a bit chopsy and now you have turned this into a massive drama and decided you hate them all. I'm not sure she did anything particularly dreadful and I'm not sure why you feel the need to try to turn this into a 'them or me' situation. Your DP is probably saying nothing because he thinks you are being a raving loon.

Dery · 03/06/2023 14:45

I also don’t see what she did that was so bad. She behaved in a way which was a bit cringey but was it really worth all this fuss? Your message was pretty unpleasant and confrontational. Of course it’s caused a lot of upset.

Dery · 03/06/2023 14:47

Unless in-laws are abusive, I would mistrust any person who is trying to make their spouse choose between them and the spouse’s family. I’m sure you’re not abusive but that is the kind of thing abusers do.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 03/06/2023 14:47

Sounds like a massive reaction to a pissed up hen.

Not every mistake in life needs to be thrashed out and apologised for. Sometimes it’s wiser to rise above it.

SoupDragon · 03/06/2023 14:49

Back story. I've never liked his sister

i would never have guessed.

The correct response to her apology was to simply accept it, not lay into her. You sound as bad as she does. Worse probably.

casualreader2022 · 03/06/2023 14:49

Dery · 03/06/2023 14:45

I also don’t see what she did that was so bad. She behaved in a way which was a bit cringey but was it really worth all this fuss? Your message was pretty unpleasant and confrontational. Of course it’s caused a lot of upset.

Agreed.
MY wedding... Ruining MY wedding day... 55 days... It reeks of bridezilla to me. Even if the sister was a nightmare, it probably didn't warrant the confrontational message which ultimately has kicked all this off. I get it, weddings are stressful, but marriages where there's in fighting and battles with the inlaws are more so.

Beachhutnut · 03/06/2023 14:51

All sounds completely avoidable. Yes she should have apologised properly but you also massively stoked the fire by responding as you did. Both equally to blame by the sounds of things. Maybe try and meet up and apologise to each other?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/06/2023 14:53

Without more context, the sister seems quite nice to offer to babysit when at a wedding (especially as she likes a drink and having fun clearly!)

You could literally just leave it and see what happens - see if they show up. But you'd need your husband to agree to back you up entirely on your special day.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/06/2023 14:54

Changeforachange · 03/06/2023 14:35

Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

Can I ask - what effect did you think this response was going to have?

I would do exactly the same if my sister in law spoke to me so nastily

Maddy70 · 03/06/2023 14:56

She did apologise ...you wanted a more heartfelt one but that's you being over dramatic.

Your DF is entitled to see his family. It's clear you don't like them and I can sense a back story here and he's just letting you all get on with it (wise man!)

TBF you all sound like children.

You should have accepted her apology and not fuelled the drama

Just go and get married be polite you can be courteous without gushing

Gingerwright · 03/06/2023 14:56

Waiting for the drip feed where you tell us all the terrible things she's actually done. The sex comment is OTT but if we all got annoyed with friends and family for a couple of drunken comments we'd be pretty lonely. Your text was unnecessary.

I might change my mind when you tell us the huge backstory about how she offered crack cocaine to your four year old and framed your dear old granny for arson.

PensionPots · 03/06/2023 14:56

That’s the dynamic, my SIL is a drama llama, her own Mother does at least see it.

You have to remember they love her and people generally put their children first. She gave a half hearted apology in your opinion you should have just left it at that. She may have started it but you ramped it up a notch.

Reallybadidea · 03/06/2023 14:57

You all sound like a bunch of massive drama lamas. Most people grow out of this nonsense by the end of their teens.

Tiswa · 03/06/2023 15:00

What did you think was going to happen? She got drunk and made a comment to your mum and you then escalated it to that point that you ruined your own weddibg

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/06/2023 15:00

SoupDragon · 03/06/2023 14:49

Back story. I've never liked his sister

i would never have guessed.

The correct response to her apology was to simply accept it, not lay into her. You sound as bad as she does. Worse probably.

Agree.

I think you might need to do some teaching about and apologizing yourself

GoodChat · 03/06/2023 15:01

This sounds like the kind of thing that should have been laughed off.

wordler · 03/06/2023 15:02

Your SIL was a drunken mess at your hen do. And there's obviously backstory about how you feel about her 'drama'.

But this has all blown up because you completely overreacted in your response to her half hearted apology.

You've now created the drama and the bad feeling.

You've got three choices before your wedding.

  • don't say anything, let them come, all parties stewing and having a horrible time at the wedding fueling resentment and more drama for years to come
  • ban them from the wedding, fully cementing the family row and drama for years to come
  • find a way to lower the temperature, even if that means you take the high road and admit your part in the drama and apologise to MIL for that at least. You might be irked by that but you'll at least lower the drama level before the wedding.
Bababear987 · 03/06/2023 15:03

What did she do other than make a cringe comment which is hardly out of the ordinary at a hen do?

If there isn't some massive backstory here then you are the drama llama