Getting married soon and I've fallen out with in laws

[abs89]

I had my hen do 3 weeks ago and my partners sister got drunk, made the whole night about herself and even sat in front of my mum saying she would have my kids overnight so me and her brother could have sex on our wedding night (we're getting married abroad). Long story short she got home and blamed the drama on their cousin who was also at my hen do and was the one trying to calm her down so the night wasn't ruined. After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened".

Back story. I've never liked his sister. She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal, plays the mental health card over and over and she's a massive liar. She also never takes responsibility for her own actions and blames everyone else. Personally I believe she's a narcissist but that's just my opinion. Despite how I feel about her I've always tried with her for my partners sake. Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

That evening his mum text me having a go and I just told her how this could have all been avoided if SIL had just apologised and that they are enabling her behaviour by never holding her accountable. The next day the SIL blocked me and a few days later the MIL blocks me too. I then left their family group chat (his sister left the morning of the hen do. Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)

My partner doesn't do confrontation. He would rather brush it under the carpet and I'm struggling with that. He isn't going out his way to make conversation with them but he will reply. Yesterday he briefly saw a message from his mum and thought they would be asking to see the kids so he told me he was happy to take the kids alone. Turns out she just wanted a picture of them (she hasn't seen them in over 3 weeks and this is really common for her. She doesn't bother with our kids at all) but it's got me thinking today how shitty it is he's willing to go over there without me with all this going on and just play happy families.

His mum hasn't reached out to him since the hen do and his entire family are acting like nothings happened. They are all blaming the cousin for the drama that night and now I'm the bad guy for upsetting the SIL. I've spoken to my partner about plans going forward but doesn't really wanna talk about it as he's struggling because of the position he's in but we need to figure something out.

So what should I do about the wedding that's literally in 55 days? What happens then because currently his family aren't speaking to me (his mum, dad and sister who are the ones coming. I saw his cousin the other day, we are fine).

My concern is I don't want my wedding day ruined. They've paid to go abroad and to watch us get married but I kinda think well you can still go on your holiday without coming to the wedding. All I can think is how awkward it's going to be. Regardless of SIL there's so much tension between the MIL and myself now especially as she felt the need to block me. I just don't want my wedding day ruined.

My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like. He's even said he isn't bothered if they come to the wedding but I know he's not going to agree if I say I don't want them there. Maybe he will agree I don't know but it's so techy to talk about all this at the minute. Going forward after the wedding I want nothing to do with them but how do I approach the wedding? Like I say it's literally 55 days away.

(sorry its so long)

This.
I feel bad for your DP. It never ceases to amaze me how readily men are expected to jettison their families on MN, if it suits their partner’s agenda. He might think his sister has many faults, but now he’s not even allowed to have his parents at his wedding.

On a more serious note, you cannot seriously be thinking of uninviting them to the wedding or are you? In case you are serious, please don't. it is just wrong and not the best way to start a marriage. Maybe don't get married?! have you considered that?

Also, if you invite your mum to a hen do with younger women who will be drinking no doubt, you take the risk of drunken outbursts or behaviour like this. Yes, hope everyone behaves, but you should factor that in, If you don't want mum to hear absurd things, don't invite your mum along to a hen do on a night out. Maybe make it a picnic in the park during the day!

I'm guessing that you had to invite her?

Well she made a fool of herself but you don't come out much better.

I think this whole thing has stemmed from you, @abs89. Yes, your future SIL sounds in-your-face, but I cannot see what she really did that merited the full weight of not only your disapproval, but your judgement about what she should and shouldn't do. That you are entirely unaware of this is quite striking.

Agree that OP is far more dramatic than anyone else in this saga. I wouldn’t want to watch my brother marry someone like this either.

If that was all she said I think you are over reacting. Your message to MIL was far too dramatic. You insulted the whole family.

I also think it's normal to only see grandchildren every few weeks.

I think you have spoiled your destination wedding tbh as it will be awkward whatever happens now.

OP, your post reminded me of the song in the TV show ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’ where she has an epiphany and starts singing ‘I’m the villain in my own story”. She isn’t truly a villain, but she is self-sabotaging her relationships.

To be honest OP you've made yourself look pretty awful in all of this. You're talking about them not going to YOUR wedding. Well it's your fiance's wedding too and he obviously wants his family there.

You hate his sister so you had no reason to demand an apology or send that nasty message. You're not friends anyway so what exactly were you trying to gain?

I’m sorry @abs89 but I agree with this.

mumsnet doesn’t give airmiles or frequent flier points, but if it did you’d end up being a gold card holder with this bloke and his scummy family.

cancel the wedding, give some serious thought about how much shit you want in your life cos that’s all you’re going to get with this mostly bunch.

you can do better. He’s not a real man and won’t ever stand up to them.

So you have never liked your sister in law and found the perfect excuse to cause an unnecessary drama because she got pissed up at your hen night?

Enjoy your wedding, hope it’s worth the agro it’s causing your DP.

She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal

Just get married; you're going to fit right in.

Sounds like you enjoy drama. There was no need to send the text to his sister or your mil. In your shoes I would have been irritated but would have made a mental note to avoid socialising with her except for family events and forgot about it. You created a big family row because someone was drunk and embarrassing.

@abs89

When you marry a man you marry his family. Especially if you marry a weak/'can't we all just get along?' man.

If you don't like his family, don't marry the man.

I have no idea what the SIL has done to warrant such a nasty response from the OP.

I think you should take the high road here. Most weddings are a family affair and I would invite all and let them make their choice. Excluding partners family from such a big event in his life, will probably lead to regrets later on. Relax, and enjoy your wedding!

My SIL told me she loved me, but still found it weird that her baby brother was having sex 🤣. Things like that are cringe, but then that's hen parties for you. If that is the worst thing you can think of to give as an example then I can understand why she was confused when confronted but she apologised but that still wasn't good enough for you. If anyone has ruined your wedding it's you and it sounds like your fiance is getting fed up too.

We need the backstory OP.

Given how badly the OP has come across in this version, which was clearly written with a view to get everyone reading this thread onside with her, I doubt she will be back because each time she has returned, she has just made herself look worse and worse.

OP, the sister made a tasteless comment, but u would inquire that at a hen's do it is not uncommon for tasteless sex related comments to be made.

Surely, your mom is aware that you and your fiance have sex, as you have children together. Things can always take a left turn when too much alcohol is consumed.

Your SIL made an apology as requested. It may have been a half hearted apology, but her "offence" was pretty insignificant when taken in context of the occasion. I doubt that your mother thought you to be some Inexperienced virgin heading to your wedding night.

There is a lot of unnecessary drama surrounding this event. Do you really want to have these fractured relationships with your in-laws ? What possible good will come from that?

If I was the sil and you sent me that text I would tell you to go fuck yourself and wouldn't go to the wedding. You're the one creating all the drama

@changeforachange i meant I would do exactly the same as the SIL has done (ie not go to the wedding) if the bride talked to me so nicely (sorry I was confusing in my comment above as they are both sister in laws to each other) I am putting myself in the drunk sisters shoes

Also, what's so bad about that comment about sex and babysitting? Even if your mum is extremely prudish or strict religious surely the wedding night is the time that people unanimously agree a couple should be able to have sex if they want to

Nastily * not nicely

Exactly

Completely agree with this.

You already didn't like here and you used a drunken comment to be all high and mighty. Your (sober) reply to her could only have one outcome, to piss off and upset his family.

I'm sorry but we all have an annoying in-law, to some of them you will be that annoying in-law! You just smile and wave for the sake of family peace.

Don't make your DH choose between you and them. And just because you have fallen out with them doesn't give you right to use your children as a weapon and stop their relationship, if your DH wants to take the children to visit without you, that is his right, and by the sound of it probably better all round.

As for the wedding, you either need to all grow up and meet up before to clear the air. Or you suck it and see who turns up on the day.

Do you want then at the wedding?