Getting married soon and I've fallen out with in laws

[abs89]

I had my hen do 3 weeks ago and my partners sister got drunk, made the whole night about herself and even sat in front of my mum saying she would have my kids overnight so me and her brother could have sex on our wedding night (we're getting married abroad). Long story short she got home and blamed the drama on their cousin who was also at my hen do and was the one trying to calm her down so the night wasn't ruined. After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened".

Back story. I've never liked his sister. She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal, plays the mental health card over and over and she's a massive liar. She also never takes responsibility for her own actions and blames everyone else. Personally I believe she's a narcissist but that's just my opinion. Despite how I feel about her I've always tried with her for my partners sake. Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

That evening his mum text me having a go and I just told her how this could have all been avoided if SIL had just apologised and that they are enabling her behaviour by never holding her accountable. The next day the SIL blocked me and a few days later the MIL blocks me too. I then left their family group chat (his sister left the morning of the hen do. Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)

My partner doesn't do confrontation. He would rather brush it under the carpet and I'm struggling with that. He isn't going out his way to make conversation with them but he will reply. Yesterday he briefly saw a message from his mum and thought they would be asking to see the kids so he told me he was happy to take the kids alone. Turns out she just wanted a picture of them (she hasn't seen them in over 3 weeks and this is really common for her. She doesn't bother with our kids at all) but it's got me thinking today how shitty it is he's willing to go over there without me with all this going on and just play happy families.

His mum hasn't reached out to him since the hen do and his entire family are acting like nothings happened. They are all blaming the cousin for the drama that night and now I'm the bad guy for upsetting the SIL. I've spoken to my partner about plans going forward but doesn't really wanna talk about it as he's struggling because of the position he's in but we need to figure something out.

So what should I do about the wedding that's literally in 55 days? What happens then because currently his family aren't speaking to me (his mum, dad and sister who are the ones coming. I saw his cousin the other day, we are fine).

My concern is I don't want my wedding day ruined. They've paid to go abroad and to watch us get married but I kinda think well you can still go on your holiday without coming to the wedding. All I can think is how awkward it's going to be. Regardless of SIL there's so much tension between the MIL and myself now especially as she felt the need to block me. I just don't want my wedding day ruined.

My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like. He's even said he isn't bothered if they come to the wedding but I know he's not going to agree if I say I don't want them there. Maybe he will agree I don't know but it's so techy to talk about all this at the minute. Going forward after the wedding I want nothing to do with them but how do I approach the wedding? Like I say it's literally 55 days away.

(sorry its so long)

You uninvited her from your wedding, it was bound to blow up into major drama and now it has. Did your bloke know you were doing that?

It sounds like Jeremy Kyle levels of dysfunction, are you still going to get married? If they turn up will there be shouting and a punch up?

This is going to end up in the tabloids, that’ll really ramp up the drama.

She sounds brainless and attention seeking, but she didn't actually do anything awful, just annoying?

You are creating a drama here - you must know she's as daft as a brush and presumably your MIL is too.

I would just ignore and carry on. They will have to come round. Avoid them at the wedding once any of you are pissed.

I’m not surprised she said she’s not coming to your wedding after that text you sent her!

has your soon to be MIL said if she’s still planning on coming or not? I guess you can ask them not to attend the wedding ceremony but they may still come to the resort as they’ve paid for a holiday. But I guess that’s the end of any relationship…..which sounds like that might be what you want.

Agreed. But don’t ever say that on a baby boy gender disappointment thread as it never happens apparently.

I would text her an apologise for over-reacting. Blame wedding stress. Then just be pleasant to them going forward (even if you dislike them) life will be much easier for you if you let it go (unless there is something missing from your story? It doesn't sound like she done much wrong)

You sound as bad as each other tbh. What a load of fuss and nonsense about nothing.

Of course there's more to what happened on the hen night however the post was long enough as it was. The comment made in front of my mum wouldn't have been too bad but I told her more than once I didn't want my kids sleeping in another room in a foreign country and that although it's our wedding it's also our family holiday so I don't want to spend loads of time away from my kids but she kept going on and on. And for reference she didn't even ask, she told me she would have my kids because I need to have sex on my wedding night. If that's how you guys talk that's fine but she was pissed and it was embarrassing. When I told her no there was no need for her to continue going on and on.

Erm so she spent the end part of the night crying in the toilet or crying outside. At the meal she kept arguing with her mum because her mum wanted her to slow down and she didn't want to. She kept disrupting other tables to take photos even though the waiter said he would do it. There was an argument/disagreement between her and her cousin about something SIL has done recently that was quite bad. The cousin was trying to calm her down and she was just being dramatic. She was drunk, I get that. But if you're going to cause a few different scenes at least have the decency to apologise for having a bit too much to drink. Maybe a lot of you think it's ok to act that way but personally I don't. Being drunk doesn't give you an excuse to act like a knob. She made her cousin cry and if your excuse to that is to say "well it's a hen do and she got drunk so what do you expect" then we have different ideas on what is and isn't ok.

My opinion is if you're going to apologise for something mean it otherwise what's the point in apologising? If its disingenuous then no I'm not going to accept it and if that makes me the problem then so be it but don't apologise to me if you don't mean it. If I was coming to you saying my partner keeps cheating on me but he said he's sorry you wouldn't be telling me I should stop being the problem and just accept his apology. If he didn't mean the apology I am not going to accept it, same applies here in my opinion.

Yes I have never liked his sister, obviously I did to start with but I kept catching her lie about stuff and she kept phoning me and her brother up drunk trying to involve us in her drama so I realised she just isn't my cup of tea. I've always made conversation with her and arranged play dates for the kids but doesn't mean she's my best friend. I've always been civil with her for his sake but there's only so much I'm going to take until I've had enough.

Regarding the wedding I'm far from a bridezilla 😂 in fact he's planned the majority of it. What I'm getting at is I'm going to have to stand there with his mum acting like nothings happened while the photographer takes photos and we do the ceremony etc. It's awkward. Why do I want to feel like that on my wedding? And I say MY wedding because...it is my wedding lol this post is clearly about me and how I feel. I'm not going to refer to it as our when I'm discussing my concerns.

This is getting long again so I'll just comment on my "mental health card" comment as apparently I'm a terrible person for saying such a thing. Like my comment above if you're going to be horrible to people, make people cry etc and then blame it on your mental health then it's just an excuse for you being a shitty person. Something happened recently where she put her son at risk. She blamed it on her partner for not supporting her enough and their family made excuses for what she did because of her mental health. She's always saying she's going to seek counselling but never does. She doesn't get herself put on medication for these problems. She doesn't seek any professional help full stop. She just likes the attention she gets from it. There are people who lie about or exaggerate their mental health for their own agenda. She's one of them in my opinion.

Yeah this wedding isn't going to last op. Sometimes it's best to not get involved and it was a case of letting your dp handle his sister.

Even with your update, I think the majority of posters comments still stand. You escalated this with your message. There is only one outcome to your message, which is what has happened.

If she's always like this why not hold your tongue until after the wedding and then back away from contact with her.

I can see where this thread is going.

Op - AIBU?

Majority of posters - Yes

Op - no I'm not! Whaaah!

Sounds like you’re on the road to hell

Taking all things into account you and her just aren’t each others cup of tea

However your life is going to be difficult if you don’t make some sort of peace with who you are marrying and his family

You should not expect him to abandon them at all - he loves them and they’re a part of his identity

Make it clear they really are all invited and you didn’t mean for your text to lead to a family feud.
Then cancel all the alcohol and have a dry wedding.

Or at least make it a cash bar and provide only non alcoholic drinks and one glass of bubbly per head for the toast.

I’m not up for other people making their drunken nonsense my problem either OP.

And before I get jumped on I know that this isn't an AIBU thread but the majority of posters have pointed out that the op's unreasonable response caused the current situation

OP

She sounds like a bit of a nob, yes, but honestly, what did you think would happen after that text? You’d get a full on grovelling apology and she would change her ways? Or that there would be a massive rift, as has happened?

)FWIW, I didn’t invite my SILs to my hen do and DH didn’t invite my brother to his. They are for friends not family AFAIC so you could have said that was what you were doing, rather than invite people you don’t like to get drunk with you and your mum)

You're still taking no responsibility for your part in this mess.

She was a dick on a night out, everyone knows it. But you sent a really unpleasant text which was ALWAYS going to result in a massive falling out.

Irrespective of what she's like, take responsibility for your own behaviour, apologise for the unpleasant text you sent, and hopefully your wedding might be less awkward and your DP can have his family there.

You can acknowledge the text was rude & unpleasant and wasnt a mature way to react without losing face.

I couldn't be bothered reading about all this juvenile & unnecessary drama - on both sides.
OP, just have your wedding, be civil to your in laws on the day, and then just keep to minimal contact after that. Surely you have more important things to think about in life, so there is no need for all this ridiculous fuss about nothing. We can't like everyone we meet in life, including family, but most of us just keep a stiff upper lip and get on with it.

You sound very harsh on her for what she’s done wrong. If I was you I would definitely be apologising to the sil and mil for that nasty text. Sorry, you are wrong in this case.

What did she do though? Sounds like she was just drunk at a party and you went over the top because you don't like her.

Fair enough if she's a drama queen but it's not your place to go demanding her parents hold her accountable and stop enabling her. Id be really taken aback. You also can't demand apologies from people.
This could have been avoided. If you want to fix it and make sure your day isn't ruined, Just own up and say you over reacted. Don't worry about their behavior on the day, just focus on you, your husband and your own family and friends.

Being drunk doesn't give you an excuse to act like a knob

Well, presumably you were sober when you sent the text so you have absolutely no excuse whatsoever.

Haha! Exactly this!

I think it’s you who has created all this drama and not her……

Totally this.

She sounds like a bit of a nob, yes, but honestly, what did you think would happen after that text? You’d get a full on grovelling apology and she would change her ways? Or that there would be a massive rift, as has happened?

Well exactly, she apologised OP. She doesn't have to continually apologise or beg for your forgiveness, you sound like a bit of a pain tbh. I feel sorry for your fiancé.

I agree ......as I'm a bit confused as to what the sister did , other than get drunk and be quite inappropriate but also kind (offering to have the children)

I think your dislike of the sister is showing here , OP

I think YABU