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Original poster

Getting married soon and I've fallen out with in laws

121 replies

abs89 · 03/06/2023 14:07

I had my hen do 3 weeks ago and my partners sister got drunk, made the whole night about herself and even sat in front of my mum saying she would have my kids overnight so me and her brother could have sex on our wedding night (we're getting married abroad). Long story short she got home and blamed the drama on their cousin who was also at my hen do and was the one trying to calm her down so the night wasn't ruined. After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened".

Back story. I've never liked his sister. She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal, plays the mental health card over and over and she's a massive liar. She also never takes responsibility for her own actions and blames everyone else. Personally I believe she's a narcissist but that's just my opinion. Despite how I feel about her I've always tried with her for my partners sake. Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

That evening his mum text me having a go and I just told her how this could have all been avoided if SIL had just apologised and that they are enabling her behaviour by never holding her accountable. The next day the SIL blocked me and a few days later the MIL blocks me too. I then left their family group chat (his sister left the morning of the hen do. Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)

My partner doesn't do confrontation. He would rather brush it under the carpet and I'm struggling with that. He isn't going out his way to make conversation with them but he will reply. Yesterday he briefly saw a message from his mum and thought they would be asking to see the kids so he told me he was happy to take the kids alone. Turns out she just wanted a picture of them (she hasn't seen them in over 3 weeks and this is really common for her. She doesn't bother with our kids at all) but it's got me thinking today how shitty it is he's willing to go over there without me with all this going on and just play happy families.

His mum hasn't reached out to him since the hen do and his entire family are acting like nothings happened. They are all blaming the cousin for the drama that night and now I'm the bad guy for upsetting the SIL. I've spoken to my partner about plans going forward but doesn't really wanna talk about it as he's struggling because of the position he's in but we need to figure something out.

So what should I do about the wedding that's literally in 55 days? What happens then because currently his family aren't speaking to me (his mum, dad and sister who are the ones coming. I saw his cousin the other day, we are fine).

My concern is I don't want my wedding day ruined. They've paid to go abroad and to watch us get married but I kinda think well you can still go on your holiday without coming to the wedding. All I can think is how awkward it's going to be. Regardless of SIL there's so much tension between the MIL and myself now especially as she felt the need to block me. I just don't want my wedding day ruined.

My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like. He's even said he isn't bothered if they come to the wedding but I know he's not going to agree if I say I don't want them there. Maybe he will agree I don't know but it's so techy to talk about all this at the minute. Going forward after the wedding I want nothing to do with them but how do I approach the wedding? Like I say it's literally 55 days away.

(sorry its so long)

OP posts:

Prinnny · 03/06/2023 15:07

What did she actually do other than discuss sex infront of your mum? (Who presumably knows you already have sex seen as you’ve children already) From what you’ve said so far you seen the one in the wrong.

RollinRollinRollinRawhide · 03/06/2023 15:08

Changeforachange · 03/06/2023 14:35

Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

Can I ask - what effect did you think this response was going to have?

Quite.
Her half arsed apology was pathetic, but you then lectured her.

Octonaut4Life · 03/06/2023 15:08

It was a hen do... You have to expect someone is going to end up drunk and embarrassing, it's hardly the crime of the century. Yes she should probably have apologised without being prompted, but then she DID apologise and you threw it back in her face... and actually, what you said to her sounds much worse than anything she has done.

Of course you shouldn't uninvite them to the wedding. Try to be the grown up, reach out to smooth things over and next time someone offers you an apology, try not to be so self righteous.

Skywalker2018 · 03/06/2023 15:11

I don't usually comment on posts but this one I have to say you are in the wrong and need to make amends for the sake of your DP. You've totally overreacted and jumped on the change to slag off the sister because you don't like her.

SheilaFentiman · 03/06/2023 15:11

Your text to her was really dreadful.

her comment was a very hen-night one, if she had made it to a bridesmaid rather than your mum, it would just be wahey, nudge nudge stuff. So yeah, a drunken blunder but not meriting that text, done sober and after an apology (which sounds to me more like she didn’t remember it, hence the “apparently”, than a half arsed one)

i would never have mums and aunts on a hen for this reason!

OriginalUsername2 · 03/06/2023 15:13

Making people apologise is so pointless. It’s what we do with children to teach them. You’re basically making an adult say words.

I understand shitty families but I think you’ve overstepped with the messages. You can’t tell someone they’re personality is shit and expect them to see the light.

standardduck · 03/06/2023 15:14

You both sound dramatic and childish.

Yes, she made a cringey comment, but she apologized and you should have left it at that.

Your message was unnecessary. I would just kept her at arms length, since you admitted you don't like her.

You now created a whole another drama.

SheilaFentiman · 03/06/2023 15:14

“Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)”

Orrrr… because she had a massive hangover!

SheilaFentiman · 03/06/2023 15:15

“plays the mental health card over and over”

This doesn’t make you look good, op

OriginalUsername2 · 03/06/2023 15:16

You also called out and insulted their family dynamics! That going to stir up some hatred for you.

Changeforachange · 03/06/2023 15:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/06/2023 14:54

I would do exactly the same if my sister in law spoke to me so nastily

Show quote history

And that's fair enough - but would you also be surprised at the outcome?

EggInANest · 03/06/2023 15:27

Your response to her ‘not quite apology ‘ and your subsequent message to MIL were OTT. It isn’t your job to tell MIL how to treat her Dd. SIL didn’t behave well but you stoked the drama and provoked a row. How did you expect them to respond?

gamerchick · 03/06/2023 15:29

I do agree that you sound just as bad as them. Your bloke quite rightly wants to stay out of it. You've no right to make him choose.

If they dont come it's up to them, but it sounds like you're angling them not to come to the same place at all. That isn't going to happen.

Let it go. Focus on going away and getting married. It's just all shite.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 03/06/2023 15:32

The correct response to her apology was to simply accept it, not lay into her. You sound as bad as she does. Worse probably.

This

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 15:32

It sounds to me that you’ve taken this as a good opportunity to have a go at someone you dislike and now you are annoyed that it’s backfired.

Notonthestairs · 03/06/2023 15:32

You want to disinvite your husbands family from the wedding? Really?

Pissed up SIL is far from ideal (although I like that she offered to look after your children on your wedding night). The subsequent apology was weak. Your MIL clearly didn't want to criticise her child.

But all you had to do was shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes and get on with your life with minimum of fuss.

Instead it seems to me that you've taken this an opportunity to get rid of your husbands family.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 03/06/2023 15:35

It honestly sounds to me from how you describe your boyfriend's behaviour since, that he's reconsidering marrying you and if you really have behaved how you say you have, then I don't blame him tbh

Screamingabdabz · 03/06/2023 15:36

standardduck · 03/06/2023 15:14

You both sound dramatic and childish.

Yes, she made a cringey comment, but she apologized and you should have left it at that.

Your message was unnecessary. I would just kept her at arms length, since you admitted you don't like her.

You now created a whole another drama.

Exactly my thoughts. You’re the one who has gone nuclear over some alcohol-fuelled behaviour. And you’ve ‘never liked them’ - well you’re going to be stuck with them now.

….Unless all this drama is a ruse to create a rift between your DH and them. As you say you’re only bothered that it doesn’t ruin your wedding day. You’re clearly not bothered about the longer term implications.

CovertImage · 03/06/2023 15:36

Bloody hell - "mental health card" - really?

VDisappointing · 03/06/2023 15:38

Sorry but it’s sounds like you are as bad as each other at creating drama!
She acted inappropriately - your controlling self expected an apology for drunk behaviour and then proceeded to escalate things by laying into her via a text message…like you were getting some sort of kick out of being a superior human being.
I am sorry from what you have said I think you are both as bad as each other

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/06/2023 15:40

VDisappointing · 03/06/2023 15:38

Yes

Snowy2022 · 03/06/2023 15:40

Changeforachange · 03/06/2023 14:35

Can I ask - what effect did you think this response was going to have?

Changeforchange THANK you. Words out of my mouth. Thought first line was unbelievable, but had covered my face the more I read the rest of the paragraph.

Ditto those saying the sex comment was cringe but.....you do have kids after all.

queenofthewild · 03/06/2023 15:44

Sounds like she got drunk and made a tit of herself. I honestly wouldn't have bothered even saying anything to her about it. People will judge her by her actions, not you.

What you said to her may have been truthful, but it was also pretty blunt and doesn't sound like it was coming from a place of kindness. I'm not surprised her family are annoyed with you.

PrimalOwl10 · 03/06/2023 15:46

The fact you have kids op your dm knows you've had sex. Whilst cringe the comment was she was trying to do a nice thing. She apologised and you added fuel to the fire. I'm not suprised they blocked you and the ways you spoke to your mil about her dd was appalling.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/06/2023 15:46

standardduck · 03/06/2023 15:14

You both sound dramatic and childish.

Yes, she made a cringey comment, but she apologized and you should have left it at that.

Your message was unnecessary. I would just kept her at arms length, since you admitted you don't like her.

You now created a whole another drama.

This. So she made a drunken stupid comment, it's not the worst thing in the world. She text to apologise and you don't accept it. You've made this whole thing much worse with your behaviour.

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