Getting married soon and I've fallen out with in laws

[abs89]

I had my hen do 3 weeks ago and my partners sister got drunk, made the whole night about herself and even sat in front of my mum saying she would have my kids overnight so me and her brother could have sex on our wedding night (we're getting married abroad). Long story short she got home and blamed the drama on their cousin who was also at my hen do and was the one trying to calm her down so the night wasn't ruined. After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened".

Back story. I've never liked his sister. She's a real drama queen, makes everything into a big deal, plays the mental health card over and over and she's a massive liar. She also never takes responsibility for her own actions and blames everyone else. Personally I believe she's a narcissist but that's just my opinion. Despite how I feel about her I've always tried with her for my partners sake. Anyway I replied to her message and said she'd made a fool out of herself and blamed it on everyone else like she always does. I said we were taking space from her and the drama she creates and that her behaviour is toxic and she needs to knock the drink on the head and do some self reflection. She then text my partner saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

That evening his mum text me having a go and I just told her how this could have all been avoided if SIL had just apologised and that they are enabling her behaviour by never holding her accountable. The next day the SIL blocked me and a few days later the MIL blocks me too. I then left their family group chat (his sister left the morning of the hen do. Just to add she didn't come down for breakfast or say goodbye which I believe is to save face from how she was acting the night before)

My partner doesn't do confrontation. He would rather brush it under the carpet and I'm struggling with that. He isn't going out his way to make conversation with them but he will reply. Yesterday he briefly saw a message from his mum and thought they would be asking to see the kids so he told me he was happy to take the kids alone. Turns out she just wanted a picture of them (she hasn't seen them in over 3 weeks and this is really common for her. She doesn't bother with our kids at all) but it's got me thinking today how shitty it is he's willing to go over there without me with all this going on and just play happy families.

His mum hasn't reached out to him since the hen do and his entire family are acting like nothings happened. They are all blaming the cousin for the drama that night and now I'm the bad guy for upsetting the SIL. I've spoken to my partner about plans going forward but doesn't really wanna talk about it as he's struggling because of the position he's in but we need to figure something out.

So what should I do about the wedding that's literally in 55 days? What happens then because currently his family aren't speaking to me (his mum, dad and sister who are the ones coming. I saw his cousin the other day, we are fine).

My concern is I don't want my wedding day ruined. They've paid to go abroad and to watch us get married but I kinda think well you can still go on your holiday without coming to the wedding. All I can think is how awkward it's going to be. Regardless of SIL there's so much tension between the MIL and myself now especially as she felt the need to block me. I just don't want my wedding day ruined.

My partner says he has my back and he knows what his sister is like. He's even said he isn't bothered if they come to the wedding but I know he's not going to agree if I say I don't want them there. Maybe he will agree I don't know but it's so techy to talk about all this at the minute. Going forward after the wedding I want nothing to do with them but how do I approach the wedding? Like I say it's literally 55 days away.

(sorry its so long)

Meh. If that's the worst batshittery on your hen then you had a very civilised time. Offering babysitting is so undramatic I can't believe you even remember it. Were you having fun yourself?

It's you that's cranking this up and you pretty much know it.

A woman gets trashed at a hen party. That sounds pretty standard. She talks about a bride having sex on her wedding night in front of brides mother. I should think the brides mother would be thinking that would happen so she's unlikely to be shocked. She offers to have brides children to make sexual experience more comfortable. That sounds sensible, actually. She took photos instead of the waiter. So what! She cried in the toilet. Well, yes, that's what happens when people get drunk.
Maybe it was all a bit embarrassing but surely it's more of a just rolling your eyes kind of thing. I can't understand why it's such heinous behaviour that you're ruining your wedding over it. It just sounds totally bonkers. Even with your updates I can't see what shes done that is that problematic other than you just don't like her. If anyone else had done this, would you be so over the top with them? You do sound to be a bit of a drama llama and I don't want to sound mean because I know it's a stressful time before a wedding, but you need to chill out a bit.

Good grief! I agree with everyone else that it sounds like it’s you who’s the drama creator. Sounds like the SIL is a bit annoying but she’s not done anything awful enough to warrant the sanctimonious message you sent and being uninvited. You have basically ruined your own wedding by your pompous holier than though behaviour.

I’m surprised your partner hasn’t told you where to go to be honest, he sounds pretty spineless.

A dry wedding sounds like a great idea. These are all people who have know each other for a while. This is not people meeting up for the first time. It seems a tad bit disingenuous to expect these people to be other than they are simply because you are having a wedding.

I am assuming that the children that you have are their grandchildren, nieces , and nephews. So you have been a member of this family long enough to be familiar with their characteristics and normal behaviors. If they do not have the habit of modifying their behavior to fit the occasion, why would you have expected anything to change for this event? You are not some naive young bride experiencing them for the first time.

You have lived with this behavior for some time.. Seemingly you have decided to have children who are a biological members of this family. Long before this wedding, you decided to do all of the things that makes one a part of a family, and you did this knowingly and willingly. It is hard to see what standards and expectations that the SIL failed to meet. You have a laundry list of her transgressions from past years.

Did you truly expect her to have some behavioral epiphany because you were having a party?

You suggest that your standards and expectations may be higher than many of the other respondents, but in truth you have many past experiences that have informed you about the behaviors in this family with whom you have been long engaged.

Friction seems to be part and parcel within this family. Your outrage will likely dissipate, and you will all live to have acrimony about some other issue.

She was just drunk and emotional- it sounds like she cant handle her drink which is pretty common with people with mental health struggles as alcohol is a depressant.

She was out of line and caused upset at your hen and felt no remorse only apologised when forced. Her mother was there and witnessed it all and did little to stop it from happening and didn't address her daughters behaviour after the fact.

I get why you are upset, but from the backstory this is typical behaviour of both of them, and you have a partner who won't address the situation either. So why chose now to drop the nuclear bomb at your sister in law, right before your wedding?!!!

Surely rather than label her and tell her basically that she's got a drink problem, you should have either spelt out the behaviour you found upsetting without any emotion attached keep it factual. Then give her a way of apologising again.

Or and I would have done this, waited for after your wedding to address either this behaviour or the next time it's going to happen! (Why sabotage your own wedding?!)

You have now made the drama of your gen do the drama of your wedding by making this a hill to due on. MIL is never going to support you because you didn't keep your texts to the facts, you labelled and lectured and rejected the apology. You may be correct in your assessment but you have decided that being right is more important than the relationship you have with these women.

You have put your partner in a difficult situation, and I agree that he is being spineless but you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

Texting emotive messages is never a good way to resolve a problem. I think in order for your wedding to be issue free you are going to have to have a conversation with your in laws, apologising for your texts then explain factually what happened at your hen and why it upset you. You need your husband to develop a vertebrae and clarify the facts and support you. Otherwise it is going to be a very hostile environment something no one wants for a wedding.

@abs89 nonono you are feeding the drama. Don't give it weight or you running the risk of this silliness continuing.
Accept her apology now before this turns into something irreversible. I don't think she did that much. 'There's always one' at a party & all that!

Just accept apologies gracefully next time

“After about a week I'd had no apology or explanation from SIL so my partner called her and said maybe it's worth apologising however he said when he spoke to her about it she wasn't the slightest bit bothered. She sent me a half ass apology text. The kind where its like "apparently I did something I didn't realise so I'm sorry for whatever happened". “

“My opinion is if you're going to apologise for something mean it otherwise what's the point in apologising? If its disingenuous then no I'm not going to accept it and if that makes me the problem then so be it but don't apologise to me if you don't mean it.”

So she didn’t apologise, you got her partner to call her and make her apologise… and then you are pissed off because she didn’t mean her apology that she made because her brother asked her too, and so you don’t accept the apology… that you insisted on?

Ok doke

I’m not going to argue that your SIL behavior at the hen was acceptable.

the really problem is your response though. SIL isn’t someone you need to have an ongoing close relationship with. You have seen how she behaves in a social situation. You just decide not to repeat the scenario in the future and move on with your life. There is no need to demand apologies or create family battles. Just don’t spend time with the woman.

when you see her at larger family events, be polite. When she acts ridiculous, you and your hopefully by then husband can commiserate on the way home.

if you actually want to marry your fiancé, contact his parents and tell them you value their attendance at the wedding. Let this feud die. If you can’t do that, you need to rethink the entire relationship because getting married without his parents present is a very big deal.

OP you need to give your head a wobble.

You don't like her, you believe that you have found the opportunity to prove what an awful person she is, and to elevate yourself above her. So you reject her apology.

However, all you have done is create a ridiculous drama out of nothing. You come across as petty, childish, nasty and willing to hold a grudge for no reason.

Your poor DP. They are his family. And whilst you can opt out of family life, he isn't obliged to choose you over them. And based on your posts, I would question his judgement if he did!

The only way to fix this is to meet up in person, and to say you want to draw a line under it all.

I am not sure that you are mature enough to do that though, based on what I have read here.

I'm tending to agree that your text just gave her the drama ammo she needed to fuck up your wedding. If you want to smooth it over, and have to apologise then use wording similar to her apology.

At my wedding our family drama queen utterly excelled herself with her tantrums and trying to engineer people falling out with me. Luckily I'd a great team of siblings and siblings-in-law who managed to ensure that we were almost oblivious to it all. It only backfired on her. Literally everyone was appalled at her behaviour. I heard about the worse stories when we got back from honeymoon. She's probably still waiting for me to "find out" and go nuclear, just so that she can twist it to play victim, but I refuse to give her the satisfaction.

First reply absolutely nailed it. Let them come, dont make a fuss. Spend it with your family and friends.
Do not apologise or try smooth things over, if you do they will just continue to push.

Absolutely do not go out of your way for these people and certainly dont meet up with her. I also don't put up with nonsense OP and people really don't like it. Oh your adding to the drama, just ignore her you know what she's like blah blah. It's absolute bullshit and its why attention seekers get away with it. It sounds like the whole family have enabled her crap. Don't you be one of them.

I think both sides are very immature. Irrespective of the rights and wrongs (some of which were definitely yours) I think this relationship is now dead in the water and your husband not having your back is a big thing as well.

I wouldn’t do anything, nada, nothing and I would ask your partner not to

let them make the first move

crack on with your plans have plan A they are there and plan B they are not

just ignore for the next 55 days

God…
The people I feel bad for in this scenario is the groom who is now stuck in this relationship with a self-absorbed person who sees herself as the centre of the Universe. And the kids who are being raised by such person.

One if them they has a partner problem. And it’s NOT the groom.

All of this.

No nothing.

If you uninvite them, they may argue you need to reimburse them for the cost of their holidays.

If you do nothing they'll probably decide not to come of their own accord (and be miffed you didn't reach out to them - score for you).

I feel sorry for the poor bloke in the middle of all of this drama. I don't know what the OP expected would happen in sending such a message, especially so near to the upcoming wedding.

She doesn't seek any professional help full stop. She just likes the attention she gets from it. There are people who lie about or exaggerate their mental health for their own agenda. She's one of them in my opinion.
Well, you certainly gave her the attention she wanted.