Is that ok to say that?

[MarmiteAndGarlic]

Don’t know anymore…

Dh has told me several times now ‘if you have a problem with that, then do it yourself’.

Context:
I’m chronically ill and have been bad for about 1.5years. By that I mean I’m lying down 22 hours a day. Can’t get up etc… cardiologist involved but so far it hasn’t made a huge difference.
I just cannot physically get up and prepare a meal etc… or not Wo a huge cost to me.

Last time DH made that comment it was around a joke I made (done many many times before) that I ‘should put a complaint’ because there was fish bones in a fish. I mean even dc who is on the spectrum knew it was a joke and not an attack on DH cooking. I never say anything about his cooking anyway.
Another time was about moving house and DH deciding we would move to <name of town>. And being told that I’d have to move there because ‘you can’t stay here on your own anyway’.

Now I understand having to suddenly do the whole HW/cooking etc… is a pain for him. Esp after years of me doing it all.
But it very much feels like ‘shut up and put up with it’ because you’re disabled so don’t have a say.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this?

Surely you don't lie in bed for 22 hours every day?

Because??

Im lying down either in bed or in a recliner. Can’t sit, let alone stand, without being in tachycardia. That’s my life atm.

I don't know, I can see that he'd feel fucked off doing absolutely everything and then you complaining - and it is complaining, as even the 'joke' is PA and hardly a compliment to his efforts. Sounds like both sides need to be more tolerant as it's such a tough situation that you're both bound to get peed off.

How is your relationship beyond the illness and the caring that's taken over - do you still feel like there's a communication channel open so you can have that conversation? Perhaps not in a confrontational way like those questions you end your OP with, because surely he's bound to bite back and reel off a list of reasons he feels put upon, but more about how you're both feeling and can help each other feel more heard and appreciated. It's the situation that sucks but once you're getting pissed off with each, it's likely to spiral further.

Honestly, I’d be a bit pissed off at complaints too, even if said in jest.
Seems he has a lot on his plate atm and is probably pretty stressed too. I’d just say thank you.

If you were well it would be a normal thing to say. Nobody likes jokes about their cooking. Because you're unwell though it might be different.

So if I understand well a joke said many times, by him included!, should be considered a PA attack of his cooking?
And I should be praising his cooking instead.

Ok…

It sounds like a really really tough situation for you both. I suspect he might feel stretched to his limit and a 'joke' about how he tries to care for his family might just tip him over the edge some days

Does your DH work too? If he's working, carrying all the household load, and childcare, I can see how "digs" even if completely jovial and non intentional, will sting a bit, especially if he's not being made to regularly feel appreciated. Even if he's not working, and is doing everything else, I can imagine the situation you're both now in, is not something you both envisaged, and although obviously not your fault, it's going to have taken a huge adjustment for him to now realise this is how your life together has panned out. Genuinely if you wouldn't be able to live alone/without him, maybe thinking about how much responsibility that has landed on his shoulders, and showing some appreciation, and doing what you can to support him in supporting you, would go along way.

Well, this is what I mean. You're angry, he's angry, this isn't going to go well whether it's ok to say what he said or not. Do you want to be right or do you want the relationship to work? If the former, go ahead and have it out with him. If the latter, get past the minor issue of this moment where he was pissy and pissed you off, and think about how to deal with the bigger issue of what's going on and how you can both get through it intact.

I’ve just written and deleted several answers.

Im realising I’m angry. Very angry.

Im at home with dc. DH has gone away on his own for the weekend. Like he has done more or less every weekend for the last 6 months.

Does your DH work too? If he's working, carrying all the household load, and childcare, I can see how "digs" even if completely jovial and non intentional, will sting a bit
Isnt that what most if not all mothers do though?
I haven’t heard many women saying that a joke that is KNOWN TO BE A JOKE was an attack and for them to be seen as reasonnable.

It's a horrible, new power imbalance which makes his comments more hurtful. I think this is a new situation that you could both do with help navigating. Perhaps with couples counselling. This would be challenging for anyone.
This reminds me a bit of when I was heavily pregnant and my then partner got angry at me the more I relied on him to do stuff for me - we ended up breaking up. I would seek support before it escalates to this stage as sadly it doesn't seem like your disability is going away anytime soon

It's all about balance. If your husband felt appreciated and was reminded regularly how important and loved he was, I'm sure the "jokes" would be seen only as that, but if there is no love shown to him, then the comments, will just build up resentment on his part, as he'll probably feel like why the eff is he doing everything he does to only get sinde remarks and negativety thrown his way. Imagine if the roles were reversed op, would you feel appreciated and cared about if you were in your husband's shoes?

Ah, okay, well there are much bigger issues going on here. Is there anyone IRL you can talk them through with, friends or family (not DC, but parents/siblings)?

I should imagine his life is very difficult and not at all the one he (or you) hoped for. It must be very difficult to stay cheerful all the time and sometimes a "joke" won't hit the right mark.

It's not "OK" but it is understandable.

No idea why you’re asking for opinions when you’re getting arsey when people give them.

If you’re this passive aggressive and snappy in real life, I can see why your relationship is tense.

I’ve just written and deleted several answers.

And sounds like it's worth writing everything out even if it's just for yourself, for cartharsis and to start getting perspective. It sounds like you've been holding a lot in and this comment has brought it all to the surface. Better to get it out somehow and start working through it as the stress can't be good for your heart.

Goodness. How do you manage every weekend if he goes away? Does he leave you with prepared meals etc or are your DC old enough to help?
I get that a carer needs to get away from time to time but every weekend is an awful lot, given your condition.

Dc is plenty old enough.
They are cooking. But they are also in the middle of their A levels …

And no he doesn’t leave meals ready for us.
Im the one doing the shopping (on the Internet!) and I’m planning around that. Ready meals, left overs and easy meals dc prepares.

Imagine if the roles were reversed op, would you feel appreciated and cared about if you were in your husband's shoes?

@DiaNaranja i can imagine very easily as I was the one who did all that before whilst DH did very little. Whilst working. And being ill (but not as badly as now obviously)
And I would not have taken what was a known joke as an attack.

And before anyone asks, no he didn’t spend this days praising what I was doing. It was seen as normal, what mums and wife’s do.

Is asking if you should complain about a fish bone in a joking fashion actually a joke or is it a PA criticism?

I always told my (very young ) DC that for something to be a joke it needs to be funny, otherwise it's just unkind.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. Several people felt you were. You angrily disagreed.

Why bother asking?

I hope you’re thanking your children for stepping up.

I think there's a lot of pressure on both of you and neither of you are recognising that.

I can imagine if I was having to do 90% of the home stuff on top of being the only parent working (regardless of the reason for that) then I wouldn't take kindly to a pointed joke. You obviously intended it to be lighthearted but I can understand why he wasn't able to take it that way.

You seem fixated on the idea that what he's having to do now is only what a DM would be expected to do but I don't think that's fair. Every family is different but it's the sudden change in yours that has been hard on both of you.

Sounds like you need to have a proper sit down conversation and air things out a bit. If you keep going to way you are then it's not going to result in anything good for the future of your relationship.

If I was doing my best to look after a very unwell person then yes, I probably would feel resentful at jokes about the food.

It sounds like a frustrating and worrying situation all round but I don't think you can see this as an equivalent experience to you shouldering too much of the domestic burden earlier on in your marriage. Obviously that wasn't right and in hindsight you may wish you had levelled it out more. But you didn't. Now DH is stepping up, you can't expect him to accept petty criticism happily when he has so much on. Things are different.

Regards the move, well no- he can't just unilaterally decide where you all live but is there a strong practical reason for him wanting to move and/ or you wanting to stay? Family support, reduced commute, easier to attend appointments? I think this needs a full discussion and you can't conflate it with a joke landing badly.

I agree he isn’t taking the sudden change well.

I still don’t think it entitles him to tell me where we are going to live Wo me having a say about it ‘because I wouldn’t be able to cope living in my own’
Aka you need me everyday so you don’t have a say.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum is right I think. It’s the power imbalance that he is using to his own advantage that grates.
And the fact the ‘fish bone’ joke is NOT the only incident when he said things like this. Just the last one.