Is that ok to say that?

[MarmiteAndGarlic]

Don’t know anymore…

Dh has told me several times now ‘if you have a problem with that, then do it yourself’.

Context:
I’m chronically ill and have been bad for about 1.5years. By that I mean I’m lying down 22 hours a day. Can’t get up etc… cardiologist involved but so far it hasn’t made a huge difference.
I just cannot physically get up and prepare a meal etc… or not Wo a huge cost to me.

Last time DH made that comment it was around a joke I made (done many many times before) that I ‘should put a complaint’ because there was fish bones in a fish. I mean even dc who is on the spectrum knew it was a joke and not an attack on DH cooking. I never say anything about his cooking anyway.
Another time was about moving house and DH deciding we would move to <name of town>. And being told that I’d have to move there because ‘you can’t stay here on your own anyway’.

Now I understand having to suddenly do the whole HW/cooking etc… is a pain for him. Esp after years of me doing it all.
But it very much feels like ‘shut up and put up with it’ because you’re disabled so don’t have a say.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this?

I agree with all of this.

The more op posts the more ungrateful and angry they come across.

Maybe they are waiting until the DC has completed a levels.

Sorry OP , you come across as very bitter and self indulgent.

Your husband's need to get away from you is telling.

At no point have you said what your condition is. It might help us to understand and offer suggestions based on experience
That you spend 22 hours in bed must be shattering to all of your family. It also comes across that you don't truly understand what it's like like to care for a bedridden person.

You really need to seek some counselling. I think you've lost sight of how non bedridden people cope with life.

Please explain why you're bedridden for 22 hours a day.
You'll get very different answers.

I work full time, my husband does too but he has severe issues with his back so can't do anything in the household. I admit it's taking a massive toll one, he made a joke recently about something that needed cleaned and I was ready to go blow as even though it was light hearted it felt like a big dig. He's probably just over it all and should be allowed to vent

I do really feel for you, but I don't know why you said in a snappy way that you were doing the online shopping. That's obviously something you are able to do to contribute to the household. I do think that unfortunately a lot of men back off once they have to do any caring. I think he is really unfair saying that you can't have a cleaner. Unless he's prepared to do absolutely all the cleaning then he really shouldn't say this.

Please don't tar us all the same as I said previously I felt it was my duty to care for the person I loved & married. Yes it was not easy with a high pressure job as well but some of us blokes take our partners seriously. The OP is I think slightly trapped as her husband sounds like a bit of a shirker?

I think you have an attitude problem tbh almost like your entitled. I'm sorry you have a disability that makes things difficult but for a man to be doing that much I would be super grateful that he is helping so much rather than push him away

But OP, as your husband is away every weekend you could rearrange the kitchen to suit yourself while he's gone.

Or get your teenager to do it to your instructions, if you can't do it yourself.

Obviously I don’t know but from the description, I would guess something like POTS? POTS can cause extreme fatigue and episodes of tachycardia when going from laying to sitting or standing. I had similar symptoms and had to see a cardiologist - I’m now on medication and have to avoid certain things (eg sudden changes in temp) in order to work, live etc.

"for a man to be doing that much I would be super grateful..."

JFC. Get back to the 1950s.

I suppose you don't get to see many people now because of your illness, OP. It sounds really tough and frustrating. I hope you can go outside in the sunshine sometimes at least. Do you have a garden?

Caring for someone is very hard and despite you saying that your husband doesn’t care for you, I think you’ll find he probably does by cooking and cleaning. My partner definitely cares for me through taking on extra responsibilities around the home, caring for me financially and ensuring that I have what I need (like medications). He doesn’t dress me or wash me or come to my medical appointments but that doesn’t affect that he’s still caring for me. I do think that perhaps you’re finding it so emotionally exhausting and difficult yourself that you can’t necessarily see how hard it is for others. I do appreciate that it’s a difficult situation for you and hope you and your family get the help that you need x

Do you think he shows love and respect from his behaviour?

Do you think you show it in yours?

If I was in your position then I'd like to think dh would care for me as I would for him.

He's angry, you're bitter (understandably) I just don't think you are on the same page. It's not fun for either of you. Your poor son!

So many people here are saying they would struggle to care for a bedridden spouse but I'm assuming their level of care would involve helping with running baths, changing bedding, laundry, ensuring that there was food and cooking access if they weren't around, helping them move around, etc. Not everybody's spouse does this. Mine hasn't and I frequently went to sleep either hungry or eating biscuits as that was the only accessible food (still do). He's not once washed my bedding or even brought me a glass of water at my worst time. He's not even cleaned the bathroom in two years, but everyone thinks hes a saint as he's working full time, pays the bills and cooks food he likes and shares with me (even if it gives me side effects).

OP - what kind of care does he actually provide? Is there anything that could be practically put in place to stop you feeling this low? If he was single he would/should be doing housework or gardening so that doesn't fall under caring imo.

Yep, this question is very important.

Nothing about this situation is great when you view it as a whole but OP is hyper focused on her DH's behaviour and ignoring her own.

I also live with chronic ill health that involves long bouts of bed rest, weeks at a time. Pip ensures that I can have a cleaner once a week and a personal assistant who comes in once a month to help with life admin. Its lonely sometimes if I haven’t spoken to anyone in real life for one week to the next, cleaner is lovely, and I’m happy not to rely on family for my day to day needs.
If Op’s husband ever had any empathy or understanding of what she’s going through and how much of life she’s missing out on, it sounds like it’s well and truly run out. He’s heavily enmeshed in competitive complaining: ‘look how much I do, you don’t deserve a voice because I do everything.’ It sounds miserable for everyone concerned.
The best place for the Op is somewhere central where if you have a bit of energy you can slip out and have a coffee near by, people watch, or meet a friend. Somewhere where friends can drop in easily.
Being shut away with grumpy husband wfh all day sounds like purgatory.

Regarding the house move - is this to be closer to his mum? You say she’s involved in this, are they sorting out something to help with this new situation you all find yourselves in?

I was a full-time carer for my exH who had a neurodegenerative illness and it nearly broke me as a human. Didn’t help that he was also abusive, but the caring responsibility I had was astronomical, and I was only 26 when we first got together. Unlike some posts here saying the carer is seen as the ‘hero’ and endlessly praised, I can say that that is definitely not the norm. I felt like I didn’t exist. Eventually exH called an ambulance for himself (for no reason really other than the fact he felt I hadn’t helped him quickly enough) and by the time they arrived he was of course fine, the paramedic however, took one look at me and immediately phoned social services.

one thing I found very difficult was the he took NO responsibility for his condition. I don’t know the nature of your illness OP but are you actively seeking ways to get better / manage it as best you can? It’s a horrible situation for you, and I’m very sorry, but had my exH had a proactive / positive mindset it would have helped us both I’m sure. And would have felt like we were both pulling in the same direction. That would make a huge difference.

and yes you should have a say about where you live, but also, if you’re in bed for so much of the day, and your H’s reasons for moving are to make life easier in some way and therefore make it easier for him to help you, that is quite a sensible consideration. But I don’t know the exact reasons for the move.

I agree with PPs in that therapy may be very helpful as it seems there is understandably a lot of anger and resentment on both sides.

This is a great post @Rainydays777 but I'm so sorry that you endured so much.