Is that ok to say that?

[MarmiteAndGarlic]

Don’t know anymore…

Dh has told me several times now ‘if you have a problem with that, then do it yourself’.

Context:
I’m chronically ill and have been bad for about 1.5years. By that I mean I’m lying down 22 hours a day. Can’t get up etc… cardiologist involved but so far it hasn’t made a huge difference.
I just cannot physically get up and prepare a meal etc… or not Wo a huge cost to me.

Last time DH made that comment it was around a joke I made (done many many times before) that I ‘should put a complaint’ because there was fish bones in a fish. I mean even dc who is on the spectrum knew it was a joke and not an attack on DH cooking. I never say anything about his cooking anyway.
Another time was about moving house and DH deciding we would move to <name of town>. And being told that I’d have to move there because ‘you can’t stay here on your own anyway’.

Now I understand having to suddenly do the whole HW/cooking etc… is a pain for him. Esp after years of me doing it all.
But it very much feels like ‘shut up and put up with it’ because you’re disabled so don’t have a say.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this?

Why would you ask that? I'm also currently in bed except for an hour or two a day. Not everyone is fit and healthy.

((Hugs))

I hope you have some support around you. It’s crap.

This was adressed to the person with the rather ableist question, obviously....

Thank you. My partner tries his best! I hope you can find some relief soon.

It's good to have posted but might be worth starting a new thread in Relationships to dig into the bigger issues with more long-term constructive views. As you say, this is just the latest incident and taken at face value, it makes you look more unreasonable than the wider context does, and really it's not about whether it's okay to say this, but about how you manage to live together.

As for the food situation... I'll admit I'm finding it really hard to eat every meal to his standard rather than mine. It makes me feel pretty powerless that I can't even make my breakfast and I know I sometimes say what could be improved. And then I feel bad, so I make sure I'm very enthusiastic and thank him for his cooking as often as I can. I can empathise with both of you in this situation.

It's really hard on us both that I'm so dependent. Sometimes we grate on each other but we keep talking about the unexpectedly crappy situation we're in, to remind ourselves we're on the same team.

I still don’t think it entitles him to tell me where we are going to live Wo me having a say about it ‘because I wouldn’t be able to cope living in my own’
Aka you need me everyday so you don’t have a say.

But he's away every weekend so you are coping!! You have the mental capacity to pay bills and order food. You are able to work around your health to cook/eat. You can get a cleaner in, kids can do laundry. You are managing fine!!

However you are angry. Angry at your health, angry at limitations, angry at him, angry at the unfairness if it all. So you need to work out what you actually want and how to achieve it, then start planning.

I get it btw. Last year I was diagnosed with Lupus and was bedbound until September where I remained housebound. However DH isn't pleasant to be around, so with the help of a support worker I am planning on leaving him. I'm going to struggle on my own for sure but I cant carry in living like this, it will destroy me.

This.

it sounds like a really tough situation for both of you, I’m sorry.

If you google Cassandra syndrome. It's the impact of being an empath going out with an autistic man, and having your emotional needs misunderstood

@Pixiedust1234 I think you are over estimating how much I can do. To start with I don’t work lol. I mean how could I work when I can only spend 2~3 hours sat down.

But I agree I COULD work around my health if I was on my own.

I would need many things adjusted. Yet another issue where he has organised the kitchen to suit him - he is always cooking after all right? - but that means it’s making the whole kitchen experience much harder for me. I can’t reach things the way he can etc…. Which in turns makes me dependant on him (or dc) for cooking….

And there is a question about what to do next.
Because so far it’s making me feel more and more that he has checked out and is resentful that I’m ill. And like many (around 50% I think) men, he wants away out.

I know.
ive been here long enough that I should have guessed giving such a precise example wouldn’t work well.

People have latched on ‘oh poor man who is now a carer and has had his life destroyed’ when, really, my issue is about the WAY he chose to answer - using my disability to attack rather than simply stating he was finding hurtful/annoying etc…
Whilst disregarding the second example about the house move.

However, it gave me a good insight on how victim mentality can also set in. And how people can focus on one thing (it’s so unfair I have to do everything now).

Sames 💕

I was taught - that if you can’t find it in yourself to say something good about a whole - say something nice about a part.

Hate someone’s top - and they ask what I think - say it’s got nice buttons.

It can and does become a topic of banter in itself by those close to me/us, and if a dinner isn’t all it’s hoped to be (yep definately happens) it’s not a great as the time you made it with/for/at xxxxxx….

A joke of ‘well that was a bit shit’ has to be done in precisely the right moment, when the creator is thinking or about to say the same thing. There are times, and got to be honest, it sounds like your home dynamic has changed dramatically and that will put strain on everyone, such jokes would not be well received.

Criticism for its own sake outside of a joke - I’ve always found criticism on its own, self defeating, and it’s only helpfull when it’s constructive.

But we all deal with people differently, and I hope your health issues improve in time and he learns what it’s like to carry the can full time.

It will be difficult for him to form a new idea of you as a disabled person. He is still seeing you and treating you as the old you.
Disabled people have rights separate from the way we expect to be treated by our partners

….. meaning you should be treated the same as someone without a disability. Therefore it is not ok for him to decide which town you live in without you, because you are disabled.

Disabled people have rights separate from the way we expect to be treated by our partners

@Thighdentitycrisis do you mind expanding on that?
(Not an attack, I’m just really curious as to what your thinking is. I’m finding this disability/ableism thing sometimes hard to navigate. In part because I’m realising I was/am ableist myself iyswim)

op has the right to choose where she lives, or at least have a say. Just the same as a non disabled person does

@MarmiteAndGarlic sorry! Just realised you are OP

Does that make sense?

Your anger and frustration comes through in your posts, OP. That's not a criticism - I'd feel angry and frustrated too in your position. It's shit and it's unfair.

I wonder though if he has been allowed to express how he feels about it too? The disability is yours but it has changed both of your lives immeasurably. I wonder if he has the opportunity to express his frustration and anger with how things have changed?

My boyfriend of 18 months was previously in a 9 year relationship. The last 4 years of which were dominated by him caring for her. Any sense of their previous relationship had gone and their joint lives were just him running her to hospital visits, housework, working ft, cooking etc. He wasn't a stranger to this - he took an equal role in running the house and family when he was married previously and I can see how he is in my house. But the loss of his 'partner' took a huge toll on their relationship despite them both being lovely people. In the end, she was completely dependent on him but there was nothing left in the relationship for him at all. Not even companionship.

You need to he kind to each other. Express your frustration, tell him how crap it is but without criticising him and allow him to do the same.

As for the going out every weekend, this is going to sound incredibly harsh and unfair but it's also true, your life has become more limited but his hasn't. He should still be able to have a life of his own for himself. My dad died of cancer around a decade ago. In the last few years, he could barely do anything. He wasn't dead but he wasn't living towards the end either. He encouraged his wife (and ft carer) to go out and do things and have fun. His attitude was, "I have cancer. She shouldn't have to live like she does too."

If my DH made a joke about my cooking e would ve cooking his own meals for a while 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this

Aside from the legal system, who do you think decides what's ok and what's not?

In the nicest way I think you may need some therapy.
It's a huge chnage, going from being completely independent to physically and I presume financially reliant on somebody else. Of course you're getting your back up, you feel vulnerable and like you have lost a lot of control.

Your husband is probably overwhelmed with work and caring for you so your comments come across as ungrateful and unfunny. I know I'd be short if my partner could only lay down for 20 hours a day and I was left to do everything else.

I don't think him going away for the weekend is a problem. You have to remember he is not you, he isn't sick. His life didn't stop when yours did. I know that's hard to hear, and watching other people go off and do things when you can't feels horrible, but without those weekends and breaks you will reduce your partners life to nothing more than being your maid which will only cause resentment. It could also make the relationship extremely codeoendant. He needs to be allowed to retain some sense of himself.

It sounds to me as though the situation is very hard on you both, I would be cautious of the relationship breaking down. You should be mentally prepared and have a plan incase of that situation. It will make you feel more secure in yourself. I'm not saying it will happen, but acknowledging that it's a possibility will mean you aren't blindsided by it if it happens. I am disabled myself and when I first became unwell my ex partner left me, it was too much for him which I do understand.

Do you have many of your own interests and are any of them things you can still do? I spend a lot of time writing, I've even published a few books. I also paint etc. Try to find things you can still do, I know it's easy to start to think of yourself as only an unwell person but it doesn't have to define you. It's really important to not get swallowed up by it and retain some sense of yourself.

I hope this is useful and good luck op. I know how hard it is.

Are you sure he wasn't joking when he said you would have to move with him? It could just as easily been a joke as you joking about fish bones.

As for the going out every weekend, this is going to sound incredibly harsh and unfair but it's also true, your life has become more limited but his hasn't. He should still be able to have a life of his own for himself.

Does it mean it’s ok fir him to carve a life totally away from me AND HIS DC.
Because if he isn’t at home, he also isn’t at home for dc. The year they are doing their A level. Instead, it’s dc that is pushed into that carer’s role for 2 days a week.
Is that ok too??

I mean I could actually go with him at the WE. We could be together. But I don’t because I’m still a parent to a 17yo…

However, it gave me a good insight on how victim mentality can also set in. And how people can focus on one thing

I'd say this is probably applicable to both of you. And I'm not really referring to your current physical health, your posts are littered with how you did everything before and that's just what wives and mums do 🤷🏻‍♀️

What's that if it's not a victim mentality? Because it's not 'just what wives and mums do' unless they martyr themselves to the cause.