Is that ok to say that?

[MarmiteAndGarlic]

Don’t know anymore…

Dh has told me several times now ‘if you have a problem with that, then do it yourself’.

Context:
I’m chronically ill and have been bad for about 1.5years. By that I mean I’m lying down 22 hours a day. Can’t get up etc… cardiologist involved but so far it hasn’t made a huge difference.
I just cannot physically get up and prepare a meal etc… or not Wo a huge cost to me.

Last time DH made that comment it was around a joke I made (done many many times before) that I ‘should put a complaint’ because there was fish bones in a fish. I mean even dc who is on the spectrum knew it was a joke and not an attack on DH cooking. I never say anything about his cooking anyway.
Another time was about moving house and DH deciding we would move to <name of town>. And being told that I’d have to move there because ‘you can’t stay here on your own anyway’.

Now I understand having to suddenly do the whole HW/cooking etc… is a pain for him. Esp after years of me doing it all.
But it very much feels like ‘shut up and put up with it’ because you’re disabled so don’t have a say.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this?

But you are able and I’m not.

Which is why the comment to me is ableist (thanks to this thread, I’ve been able to put into words WHY this annoyed me so much).

He could have made the sane point about it not being a joke Wo using my disability.
Like would tell someone who is blind ‘well if you’re not happy, just read it yourself’??

@GreyCarpet not a victim before.
But spending many many years (I’ve been ill fir about 20 years so it’s not new either for me or him) on survival mode trying to do it all and work and pushing myself way above my limits. Because 1- I didn’t have the energy and the Space to think and 2- my outlook was extremely ableist (against myself…) thinking I was lesser than if I stopped/I had to be strong/perfectionist etc….

Don’t confuse being a victim with not having the energy and the headspace to deal with something.

Whose authority are you looking for, @MarmiteAndGarlic ? If Mumsnet says these things are ok, will you bow to the authority of Mumsnet? If Mumsnet says they're not ok, will you feel like you got it 'right'?

Yes, of course its OK. I've got a 17 year old too and we both have our own lives separate from each other as well as doing stuff together.

It's normal not a flaw to retain your individual interests and friendships whilst still being in a family/relationship.

I go away for occasional weekends. Sometimes her brother (24) comes to stay for a couple of days. Sometimes she has a friend over, sometimes she goes to her dad's, mostly she chooses to stay on her own.

The only reason I don't do it more often is because she'd be totally home alone if I did which I don't think it's fair as she'd be lonely. She's pretty independent and likes the opportunity to cook and experiment with recipes without me reminding her of the washing up. She has a job, she sees her friends and her boyfriend, she studies for her A Levels - like most 17 year olds I'd imagine.

As for caring, I don't know what that involves in your case. I've been on my own since my youngest was 6 and there have certainly been times when they were younger than yours and have had to be responsible for their own laundry and cooking either because of illness or work commitments (we have no other family or support).

My daughter does dinner twice a week and her own laundry as it is because I'm home from work later than she is home from school. She does her own laundry because she likes to.

Whilst I appreciate that's different to a 'caring role' and the emotional impact of that, practically, its not much different to what your 17 year old is doing at the weekend.

You mean you are leaving your 17yo at home alone for the whole weekend EVERY WEEKEND? For more or less their whole A level year.

from 7.30am Saturday (that’s when DH left this am) to 6.00~7.00pm on Sunday?

Because you have a life and want to retain your personal interests.

What about some interest for your child? Spending time with them? No?

You have a very different way to envision family life and being a parent than I have.

I mean I could actually go with him at the WE. We could be together. But I don’t because I’m still a parent to a 17yo…

So next time, go.

It sounds like you both need to regroup and remind yourselves of why you're togehter.

Refusing to ever go away at the weekend because you have a 17 yo is no different to martyring yourself to doing all the housework and cooking before you became ill.

Yeah, I knew as I typed it that you'd deliberately miss the 'occasionally' part 🙄

No. I don't go away every weekend. But then your 17 yo isn't left alone every weekend either are they? Because you and their sibling/s are there.

And, yes, they would survive a weekend and probably enjoy it.

Xpost.

It’s very different to cook a meal twice a week because mum isn’t back home yet for another couple of hours to being on your own and have NO TIME to spend with your parents. No discussion, no TV, nothing fir two days

You have a very different way to envision family life and being a parent than I have.

if that's supposed to imply that you're doing it right and I'm doing it wrong, tbh, after reading your posts, I'd suggest that you're not getting it as right as you think you are.

Afterall, I don't remember the last time I made a passive aggressive comment or a criticism dressed up as a joke to anyone in my family...

OP you're probably a lovely person, and of course you are in a horrible shitty situation, but your anger is palpable. How another poster parents is non of your business, and attacking them (even if that wasn't how you meant it to come across) isn't on. All they were trying to say was that families do things together, and do things apart. It doesn't mean they don't care about each other it just means they've room to breathe.

I don’t understand how you are confined to bed for 22 hours a day but would still be able to go away at the weekend and the only thing stopping you doing that is your DC?

Because dh is spending his WE at MIL so he’d be driving with me in the passenger seat (MIL is about 1 hour away) and I’d be spending my time lying on the sofa there.

And I’d be unwell for several days afterwards.

But yes I could go and ‘spend the WE’ with him - aka see him at meal times. I wouldn’t be ‘doing’ anything there though.

I'd cut him some slack given the circumstances.

So what do you want to happen?

Because other than 'stay at home so the children have someone to watch TV with' (because I don't understand why they'd have 'no TV' for two whole days if you went away with him) there is no good reason why you couldn't do that next weekend.

You resent the fact that you'd not see him other than at mealtimes if you did go. But that's not his fault. It's shit. But it's not his fault.

And, if all he's actually doing is spending the weekend with his mum, I don't think you can really criticise him too much! I'd imagine he needs a break from the relentlessness and negative atmosphere as much as anything. He will need some support too.

I get that you're angry. Who wouldn't be? But it feels like you're looking to punish both him and yourself further for something that isn't either of your fault.

If I'm honest I couldn't cope if my oh was in bed 22 hours a day. I'd understand they were ill but it wouldn't be a life I would want. That probably makes me selfish but it's the truth. I'd feel resentful. Perhaps the only way your partner can cope is to get away at the weekend.
It's not your fault you are ill and I feel really sorry for you but it would be too much for a lot of people to cope with I imagine. any joke (although not meant in a nasty way) would just be seen as a dig when you are doing the best you can with very little help.

Pressure cooker situation

I really don't think the weekends apart are a bad idea. You're coming to terms with things and needing support for what used to be simple. He needs support and breathing space too and you can manage for a couple of days.

Can you get any outside help in at weekends to make things easier?

Sounds horrendous for you all, Op.

What do you want to happen? What would make you happy?

Fuck it, split up.

Think that's what you want to hear.

You don't seem to like him at all, don't like most of the responses people are given that are giving him some slack, so split

I think that you’re making the situation about your disability when your being disabled and you not getting on wither your partner are two separate things.

It sounds like a really hard situation for all involved at the moment and I do think you should look into counselling for the whole family really to cope with it. It’s a lot to expect of a partner and of children, as well as being monumentally hard for yourself. I think couples or family counselling would be beneficial to learn how to adapt to the current way of life.

Also make sure you’re getting all the help possible, such as ensuring your children’s school know and see if they can get any young carers benefits and also claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to such as pip - this may then be able to fund a cleaner to take some pressure off your husband or counselling etc for you.

Thank you all.

I’m pretty sure that very few people would think it’s ok for their partner to be away that much.
And I don’t think it’s ok to for DH to give up his responsibilities as a parent every weekend either.

Ive never said he shouldn’t be having his own life. He does. He hasn’t stopped any if the activities he used to do. If anything he is doing more now than 18 months ago.
It would be nice fir him to spend time with me as his wife or us as a family but he is choosing not to so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But that has nothing to do with the initial question.
I was asking if it was ok for him to use my disability in the way he is - answering to situations (not JUST the joke) by shutting down the conversation using my disability as a ‘reason’.

It has highlighted that DH is probably feeling put upon. That his life has been turned upside down. That he is entitled to have his own interests. And that really i should praise him for all his efforts.

I wish I was afforded all of that too. 😢😢😢

Sounds like the weekends away are his form of respite. Maybe try and reframe them as bonding time with your child. Or self care instead of feeling abandoned and angry

@Whapples all benefits sorted. Took a year.

DH is REFUSING to have a cleaner.
His attitude is why pay someone when we can do it for free…

And who am I to insist on that when he wfh, in the living room, and he will be the one disturbed by it?