Is that ok to say that?

[MarmiteAndGarlic]

Don’t know anymore…

Dh has told me several times now ‘if you have a problem with that, then do it yourself’.

Context:
I’m chronically ill and have been bad for about 1.5years. By that I mean I’m lying down 22 hours a day. Can’t get up etc… cardiologist involved but so far it hasn’t made a huge difference.
I just cannot physically get up and prepare a meal etc… or not Wo a huge cost to me.

Last time DH made that comment it was around a joke I made (done many many times before) that I ‘should put a complaint’ because there was fish bones in a fish. I mean even dc who is on the spectrum knew it was a joke and not an attack on DH cooking. I never say anything about his cooking anyway.
Another time was about moving house and DH deciding we would move to <name of town>. And being told that I’d have to move there because ‘you can’t stay here on your own anyway’.

Now I understand having to suddenly do the whole HW/cooking etc… is a pain for him. Esp after years of me doing it all.
But it very much feels like ‘shut up and put up with it’ because you’re disabled so don’t have a say.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Could you tell me if you think this is ok to say that and why?
Or why you don’t feel it’s ok to talk to me like this?

@Nomorebloodsplease thats not self care when I have to stand more than usual, do more than usual and it takes me a few days to recover each time.

It is a lovely bonding time with dc. Something I cherish. But it’s coming at a cost to me.

Ah well done - hard process!

I can understand why he wouldn’t want a cleaner to disturb him at work - perhaps someone who can do after work hours or weekends? Or is he saying no completely - in which case, I wonder if he would say exactly why as it would make his life a lot easier!

Nope. That’s a hard NO. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@MarmiteAndGarlic I'm not suggesting you do chores. Self care as In books.mediation knitting something for you too enjoy

Then I really think you guys need to undertake some counselling to help come up with solutions as it seems like he is doing too much in the week and therefore feeling he needs to do nothing at the weekend (in terms of HW and parenting etc) , but obviously you can’t take on more and he isn’t willing to compromise by using third party services. I definitely think it needs a counsellors input - perhaps one that specialises in disability or is at least quite aware of caring issues.

You sound so angry, OP.

You're angry with your disability and you're angry with the limitations it puts on your life and you're angry with your husband for not taking your PA comment about the fish bones as a joke, and you're also angry with your husband for going away every weekend.

My first post on here so go easy!
I lived this situation for over 10 years as my wife's primary carer till my wife sadly died as a result of her condition.
Until you have experienced the grinding sadness of the situation its very hard to understand how much it takes out of both of you. I was lucky that my late wife was the most cheerful person going & despite the poor outcome she had been given, but we still had our moments & I was not proud of a few things I said in the heat of the moment. Sadly towards the end I don't think she knew how much some of the stuff she said hurt me, but it wasn't her fault.
In the end though I'm not religious I took my marriage vows seriously & cared for her the best I could. I know how hard it can be for the person that is ill as you feel like your the failure but have no control over it?
I really do think as have some other posters that you need some specialist help in the form of counselling.

@MarmiteAndGarlic

Of course you're angry. Only a Saint wouldn't be. It's a shitty hand you've been delt.

One of the sad things is, if he'd pulled his weight over the years, maybe you wouldn't be this unwell now.

what was your relationship like with your MIL-before you became this unwell? Why is she supporting him to abandon his wife & child every weekend?

He isn't a very nice man. Every weekend he's leaving his child (doing A Levels) to look after you & dipping out of his responsibilities as a DH & Dad. Why does he think this is ok??

ok, so none of us want to be in your situation OR his, but it's life, shit happens & we deal with it.

No, it's NOT ok for him to say 'put up & shut up'. It's just not,It's not 'ok' and it's not caring & loving.

certainly he can't unilaterally decided where you're all moving to. Do you own/rent? Either would require your signature would it?

it should be a JOINT decision, following an adult conversation of pro's con's.

what was your relationship like with your MIL-before you became this unwell? Why is she supporting him to abandon his wife & child every weekend?

Thats an interesting question. It came through my mind a few days ago and I pushed it aside on the ground that it’s DH choice. Not hers iyswim

And MIL is lovely. Seriously, she is nice. She is one who will ring to check if I’m ok when DH has been away with work type of person.

I’m wondering what DH has said to her tbh.
But then the ‘project’ DH is involved with involves her. And her own life plans. And so is the move so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

You are an adult and of course it's unreasonable for DH to unilaterally decide where you move to. Very disrespectful too for him to say you have no choice but to follow him.
It's a tough situation for all of you and no mistake.
Do you really want to stay with DH or do you stay because your illness dictates this?

I'll go back and read the rest of the thread but I wanted to clarify this.

@Pixiedust1234 I think you are over estimating how much I can do. To start with I don’t work lol. I mean how could I work when I can only spend 2~3 hours sat down.

I know you aren't working but you admitted you are ordering shopping online, which means you are mentally and technically able to pay bills and food. You buy microwavable food so you can "cook". What I'm trying to say is that there are ways and means to enable you to cope without him. With targeted help you need not be trapped by him. Maybe you aren't ready for that conversation yet (which is fine). I'm just saying I was emotionally and mentally in the same position as you where I didn't think I could cope without DH.

Your husband is clearly not enjoying acting as a carer. It is hard work. To be honest, neither do you sound like you love or respect him. Perhaps, you would be happier to separate and rely on carers. It might make you feel more independent. You might even end up as friends if he stopped having to look after you.
I had a friend with a very nice husband who developed Parkinson's. She divorced him after a year or so, which shocked a few people but she admitted she just couldn't do it. She worked full time and she did not want to spend her life as a carer. Not everyone can do it.

It sounds like an awful situation for everyone and I can totally understand why there is anger on all sides.

However, I've been the Mum that works full time and does the housework and the childcare and I've also been the one that does all that and cared for a disabled partner, they are not the same thing at all.

I dont think that him going away every weekend is on, but being a carer is hard so I can see why he might want to. I agree with others that counselling would be a good idea as it doesn't sound like there is much empathy for the other from either side at the moment.

Can I ask what people are calling caring for your partner?

What do you when you are caring for them?

jokes only count if the person they are directed at laughs. If his words bother you - tell him.

I had a friend with a very nice husband who developed Parkinson's. She divorced him after a year or so, which shocked a few people but she admitted she just couldn't do it. She worked full time and she did not want to spend her life as a carer. Not everyone can do it.

Like about 50% of husbands whose wife gets ill. Whether it’s cancer, being in a wheelchair etc…

And from the posts here many people agree with that approach too.

To be honest, neither do you sound like you love or respect him.
Do you think he shows love and respect from his behaviour?

As much as I sympathise with you, he must be under an absolutely enormous amount of pressure and stress and in his position, no, I don’t think I’d appreciate ‘jokes’ made about my food etc either.

@MarmiteAndGarlic bouncing this ball back won't help either of you. You are disrespectful to him, he is disrespectful to you and neither sounds like you like each other

your choice is to either talk it out, perhaps consider therapy (and hiring a cleaner) or...keep on going as you do until one of you leaves. It may be while you still need carer, it may be after you'll get better - but mutual resentment and anger will only grow

Also I really don’t think you need to be home every weekend (or even most weekends!) for a 17 year old! Most 17 year olds would adore their space. If you can go with your husband at the weekends, on his trips, as you said you could in one of your posts, then you maybe you should? It sounds like you and your husband need some quality time together and honestly no 17 year old needs their parents hanging around every weekend?! At 17 most people are fully capable of living alone!

There were times where I would have to wash him, brush his hair, tie his shoes etc but that wasn't all the time. He wouldn't be able to get himself food or drinks at times, other times he could. He did continue to work but that pretty much meant he couldn't do anything at home.

By far the biggest difference to how things had been before was emotional, working around his very understandable moods. He was in constant pain so could get quite snappy and holding my tongue wasn't always easy. I would also have very much struggled with the joke you made had it been on the wrong day. The power dynamic between us totally changed, he didn't like being totally reliant on me and I didnt like it much either. I also struggled with everyone else's view that I just needed to put up and shut up, I couldn't complain because that would be seen as a criticism of him (it wasn't). I felt very invisible and the only people who seemed to care about me were my doctor and my partner when he was having a good day. Even my parents would make comments like 'I hope you're looking after him'. I felt resentful that that I hadn't signed up to be a woman in her late 20s with two kids whose partner couldn't walk without help, but I couldn't talk about it as that was like blaming him when it wasn't his fault ( I think I actually felt more resentful that I couldn't talk about it than it actually happening in the first place!)

But this is us and every couple is different and the fact that it's a man having to take on responsibilities in your household will make it very different. It shouldn't do, but it does.

@MarmiteAndGarlic you sound bitter and angry and not grateful at all. Were I your DH I would definitely divorce (and it might be headed that way anyway). Is your condition permanent? Are you trying medication ?

I'm a woman and I would divorce pronto. Life is too short to spend it caring for an ungrateful partner. Probably not what you want to hear but please do update us as I think in a few months he'll be gone

There were times where I would have to wash him, brush his hair, tie his shoes etc but that wasn't all the time. He wouldn't be able to get himself food or drinks at times, other times he could. He did continue to work but that pretty much meant he couldn't do anything at home.

dh has never done anything like this ever.
nor has he come with me to medical appointments or being involved in treatments.

Thats why I have an issue with the word care. I dint feel he is caring for me. He is cooking and cleaning yes. When he didn’t use to. And yes he is probably very resentful for that.

I agree with the fact there is a power imbalance. And it’s interesting that you say you felt invisible. I can see how you would feel that there is a pressure for you to look after him. And how it was all about his needs rather than yours.
DH doesn’t have that. Instead he is seen as an amazing person for doing the HW and cooking. Just like he was seeing as an amazing dad for taking his dcs to a garden in his own…. He is seen as the selfless one who is giving up so much (as reflected in the answers in this thread too). And as many posters have said, his needs are super important.

Now I’m not saying that it’s not hard. I never have.
I just refuse to have my disability being used as a stick to beat me with.
I want to still have a say in my life - like where I live. Or how the kitchen is organised.
As @Pixiedust1234 said, there are plenty of accommodations that could be found. Starting with having a cleaner.
But I don’t .think that’s ok to be resentful of a situation whilst refusing accommodations that would relieve that pressure.

And I want my needs to be treated the same way than his.

fwiw once again the joke was one that had been done many times, including by him.
it was a joke, was always seen as one by everyone, him including. He saw that as funny (all about how crazy it would be to grumble there are fish bones in a fish blablabla). How was I supposed to know that this time he would decide it wasn’t funny when the 10 times previous he was finding it funny?
If the first time, he had taught it was hurtful and has said so, I’d never have repeated it again…..

Why does it matter how your kitchen is organized if you don't do any cooking?
You said your teenager cooked at the weekends.

Goodness, you've been given a hard time on here, OP. I understand your frustration. He's not become your carer, he's a resentful housekeeper. The comment about you having no choice in where you live is vile. His going away every weekend is very selfish.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard situation, and getting understanding from very few on here.

If I want to do more, like more cooking, I need an adapted environment. Like not having most stuff in cupboards above my head.
That would allow me to do more and fir him to be easier.

Or we can carry on as we are. Stuff organised so it works for him but not for me. And he needs to cook all the time. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️