I’ve been so stupid

[Feithofnote]

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

@ProfessorXtra im not sure what you mean by my ex bring a ‘risk to the property’. I very clearly did not know he was ill when he moved there, or that he’d still be there now. All his hospital appointments and doctors are now assigned associated with that address. The alternative would be him moving 100 miles to the eldest. This is really the best option?

It absolutely is legal to not have to pay tax, as absurd as it may seem to you.

And what pressure am I putting on my DP actually? I mentioned it in an email (see OP) and that is the sum of it.

I figured tenancy after his death was where you were leaning.

Neither of you thought about it until now, so it's conversation time.

He may well have overlooked it as you did. If he's resistant to offering such protection, you know the relationship is a non-starter. If he agrees, you can carry on.

Ultimately, you are forgetful and somewhat careless in your planning, so I trust you will engage a solicitor to secure your assets / your children's inheritance before marriage. Also check common-law rights in the country you're moving to, because he likely has.

But you did know there was a high chance he wouldn’t leave. You knew he was so abusive you had to leave the country. You knew he had abused your child. You didn’t possibly believe he was going to respect your property.

The pressure you are putting on your DP, that it it’s his entire responsibility to look after you security. The pressure is you making out you relocated just for him therefore he owes you, when that’s not true. Pretending you made sacrifices for him is putting pressure on him.

So if you don't spend long enough in your DP's country to pay tax, where do you spend the time that you aren't there? In your home country? In a 3rd country? Which country are you officially resident in?

Exactly. I asked similar earlier. Look I know this is veering a little off topic, but seriously, a person has to be tax resident SOMEWHERE. I'm guessing it's your home country, since you say you are not resident in the foreign country long enough each year to establish tax residency. And if you do stay for six months, leave for a day and re-enter for another six months then you are surely resident in the foreign country.

But if you have a work visa to work in the foreign country why would you need to do that? Then you would definitely be tax resident abroad.

I'm not aware of any country in the world that has no income tax. But I suppose if you spend your life on a world cruise, you might not be resident anywhere for long enough at a time!

I'm just puzzled that's all, but maybe there is a valid explanation.

OP is likely in the Gulf. No income tax and explains the visa status.

I think you win the prize!

Where are you legally domiciled?

The Gulf? I don't understand, sorry. What country or countries does that area contain? What countries do not have an income tax?

Found that there are a few, many in the Middle East.
Countries Without Income Taxes (investopedia.com)

It sounds like neither of you thought about it - you admit that this was stupidity on your part, so completely feasible that is just an oversight in his part too. It's a big one, granted, but with so much on your plates after moving etc, I can see how there was so much going on in the short term that the practicalities of the longer term got overlooked somewhat.

Now that you have identified the issue, I think you need to address is as a joint concern rather than starting off with accusations of him not thinking of you. That may be the case and it may be an issue, but the quickest way to resolve it is if you work together so if you can, it might be best to leave your hurt feelings aside for now and focus on the solution.

OP, if you conduct your discussions with your partner the way you have on this thread, I'm not surprised nothing has been sorted.
🙄

@ProfessorXtra i absolutely did not know that there was a ‘high chance’ he wouldn’t leave. Equally, I have not pretended I have made sacrifices for my dp. I have actually made them.

@lunchNstuff i am a resident in my home country. There are certain circumstances where you aren’t liable for tax if you spend a certain amount of time outside of the country. I fall into that circumstance. Salaries in my industry are commonly paid out of tax haven territories. It is not the Gulf, no.

@TreeLine23 most of the supposition on this thread have been falsehoods. Is it not ok to set people straight when they assume the wrong idea? I was genuinely posting for support and ideas going forward. This thread has not been derailed by me.

How could you not know. You ex husband abused you so badly you needed to leave the country. He abused your child. Why would you think he would respect your property, treat it well and leave when you asked?

You started this thread saying you moved for your Dp. You didn’t. You were already there on the same set up you are now. In an out of the country. You also intend to stay there if he dies. You can’t claim to have loved for someone when you are already living there 90% of the time, work there and have set up your life there.

There’s a common trend to your posts. That you don’t think anything through.

@ProfessorXtra you seem very high on your vitriol. I have never had a home in my dp’s country - his is the first I moved into. I have now set up my life and network around his home as that is the best way to settle.

when exh moved back into my house, we had been divorced for 8 years. I did clearly say that I tried to better the relationship to support him (for the sake of dc) but he ramped up the abuse again. That was last year. I do not see how I was supposed to know 5 years ago that his abuse would get that way again. If you have those powers to predict the future, please let me know how you got them.

the common thread to your posts seems to be supposition and blame. With nothing to back it up

This has got to be one of the weirdest threads.

I don't think I've ever seen an OP post such confusing nonsense, and that's saying something.

What a load of hog wash about nothing.

YABU just in case it wasn't obvious.

it’s always amazing on Mumsnet how you kill yourself to do the right thing by everyone - but are immediately the villain for extorting men and abandoning children.

OP let's be clear, you have set yourself up to fail, you're living in a delusional fools paradise, on a knife-edge thinking this boyfriend gives a shiny shit about you and your DC - you think by giving everything up for this random bloke and travelling halfway round the world for him means you can expect to be handsomely rewarded for your troubles.

please, wake up, smell the coffee and stop wasting your time, and put your DC at the top of your priority list.

Vitriol? Because I don’t agree this was all his responsibility. A little prone to exaggeration I think.

You said you loved 6000 miles for him you didn’t. I never said you had a home there before him. But you also said you were there a year before you met him. You may not have had a home but you were based there. He gave some stability you didn’t have when you moved in with him.

You admit you wouldn’t leave because of your job, even if he died. You were there before you met him and will be if he dies. Moving in with him didn’t change much except you have a permanent base there. Which is why he didn’t think about much changing when you moved in. Because not much did change. You didn’t think about what happens if he does and neither did he. You didn’t move 6000 miles for him. You moved for yourself and that’s ok. That’s good. But you need to think your choices through more.

When I say you need to thing about the decisions you make I say that because you don’t. Someone who abused you so bad you needed to leave the country and abused your child is not someone you should be trying to improve a relationship with. It’s not someone you should be getting yourself more involved with.

You are very foolish, op! The bf does not care about you, and don’t you miss living near your teenage/grown children? You’re living thousands of miles away from them, for what? Romance with someone who has no intention of giving even an inch toward marriage or security in a strange country.

Are you even thinking at all? You’re leaving your children to deal with their ill father? Are you not even going to go back to help them deal with the aftermath?

Your behavior is very selfish and foolish, it’s difficult to understand what in the world you’re doing. Your one and only concern is to get us to give you ideas on how to coerce this uninterested boyfriend for whom you traveled thousands of miles to be with, how to to coerce him into making you the beneficiary of his will or some life insurance policy “in case something happens to him.” You have no thought for your children and what they’re going through with their father and not having their mother. They’re still young, teenage/early 20s.

You sound nuts.

The more I read this the more like it seems like something churned out by ChatGPT, nobody can be this clueless surely.

OP, you gave your thread the title, 'I've been so stupid'.

You're stupid only to think that he should give any thought to your set-up in the event of anything happening to him.

Everything you have posted about your career makes it clear that you are successful. Your children are independent and seem to be making their own way in life well. You have your own house - and will regain full use of it once DH has succumbed to his illness. You have forged a successful business path in an international market, and must have appeared to your DP as a singularly well-adjusted, go-getting woman with the i's dotted and the t's crossed, and everything sorted in life. Why he would - having not known you all that long, realistically - think that he needed to do a whole lot more unless you'd both sat down and talked it through I'm not sure.

And this is the really odd thing. Don't you talk to each other in a confiding way?

I'm not sure what I have just read but I'm going to have a stab at it (but along with everyone else probably going to get a snippy reaction because OP thinks she has made this bizarre scenario crystal clear )..

The gist of the post seems to be ;
I've given up lots for my boyfriend but he has done 'nothing' for me and my security .

My thoughts are this.

'Your security' . What does that actually mean. ? If you marry then surely you have the right to live in the country so there would be no need for you to make a swift exit. Even if you didn't . The immigration laws of the country are not in the gift of your soon-to-be husband ... so that can't be it.

If he dies and you are living in his house then of course there is time for you to move out. It takes at least 3 weeks for a funeral and paperwork let alone a Will to be executed even in the most efficient of countries.. which is plenty of time for you to find a rental to move to even on a temp basis whilst you relocate yourself more permanently. However , again this doesn't impact your 'security' as you have already said you have financial means 3 x the value of his home (not to mention your own home in own country) ... so this can't be it.

Which leaves me with the sneaking suspicion that what you are ACTUALLY trying to say is this... having recently had a discussion regarding 'assetts' it's become apparent that your partners home is left to friends children and you regard this as detrimental to your security and you would have expected him to change this .. as you feel it entirely reasonable to have your home in original country , your massive inheritance AND some claim on your fiancés home ?

Am I close ? If not then put us all out of our misery and spell it out in simple terms EXACTLY what you would of expected him to do - that you can't (or shouldn't be responsible for yourself. ?

@Feithofnote

So this has happened over the past 5 years.

How did you cope through Covid? With the travel between countries and a blossoming relationship?

Life insurance. Take out life insurance. If he dies you get a lump sum, set the figure at an amount that is enough to buy a property or rent for a few years.

@Feithofnote - you keep going on about YOU having ‘given things up’ to be in your Bf’s country, while he sacrificed nothing. But what is it in reality?

Your job is in his country, you were there before you met. You don’t want to be in your home country. So - what is really the sacrifice you have made?
What security have you given up that you want him to compensate you for?

This whole situation just seems strange. Something is clearly bothering you - but you seem unable to actually verbalise it. You fixated on something that makes no sense - so it’s more likely you can’t quite admit what it actually is even to yourself. Yet