I’ve been so stupid

[Feithofnote]

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

I think you need to have a really open chat with him.
He may just simple not have looked at it from your perspective.
If you still feel he isn't considering you and your not satisfied then you need to look at your relationship as core values are important.

Your ex needs to be out of your house- he’s a risk to your security and may be tying loans to that address, etc.

He’s dying but he’s abusive- you do not owe him a free home. Get him out of there before he can claim rights to be there.

I think when you remarry later in life, you should have an agreement that everything you already own and your assets are your own and not shared. I have no idea why you would put your inheritance into a joint pot with him.

You and he should share expenses going forward but I would never combine assets or savings or home ownership going into a new marriage in later life - especially with someone from another country.

It is a good idea to have a conversation to say should we split up, how will this all work. It doesn't make him bad or you stupid to not have had that conversation yet. I would not rush into marriage, it doesn't sound like you have lived with him and worked in his country before. Go for your six month visa and see how you feel in 6 months.

@sheworemellowyellow language barrier where I don’t speak the language? We are both native English speakers and both country’s are English speaking. I met him a year after I changed my work to his country, so he had nothing to do with it. I am marrying him because I love him. Very much, in fact. What ‘anomalies’ are there in my post?

What anomalies?! You now say you met him a year after you moved to that country for work! So you took all the risks of relocating before you even met him!! You didn’t do it for him - you hadn’t even met him!! Why on earth should he be responsible for that choice you made?

Are you on a tourist visa or a work visa? Where do you pay your taxes? How were you living in that country before you met him?

Where do you children go during the uni holidays?

I give up. You have no logic, no reason, you attack and give garbled mixed messages. You’re not interested in advice or help. You just want to rail about how hard the consequences of your own actions are and rant at how your boyfriend hasn’t made life easier for you because you’re going to get married. You thought this was all about him being a lame duck partner, treating you like a little woman, making this a feminist issue. It’s not. You’ve got yourself into a mess and are angry about it. You did this to you. Not him.

@sheworemellowyellow a feminist issue? Not once have I mentioned that. I explained in one of my updates that I have the right to work in his country, but not reside. Before I ‘moved’ in with him last year, I resided in my home country. I don’t pay tax anywhere as I am not in the country long enough to qualify. I am sometimes on a work visa, sometimes on a tourist visa.

DCs no longer in uni. Five years ago, youngest was just about to go. I also said they had their own homes.

I am interested in the advice - but it’s been thin on the ground, to be honest

Was your ex terminally ill when he moved back into your house 5 years ago OP?

@aflix no he wasn’t. Just homeless

@aflix sorry - he must have been but didn’t know. Or admit it to me. Research shows me that his original cancer had metastasized so he must have had it roughly for 6years at that point

This.

You aren’t saying what you want from him, in real physical terms though. Do you just want appreciation for moving to be with him? Do you want your name on his house deeds? Do you want to be left everything in the Will?
You moved there of your own volition, why are you only now thinking about these things?

You both have houses and have both made arrangements to leave to others after you each die, but maybe what's upsetting you is the fact he has provisioned for other people's kids? If they were his own maybe you'd feel differently?

If you're going to be living in/contributing to/maintaining his house, it might be fairer for you to have that reflected in the will.

I think the living abroad element is a red herring in all this. In any event, I imagine you won't have residency rights after retirement age, so you'd need to repatriate anyway?

Where do you ordinarily reside? It seems that you are not resident of DP's country so you must be a resident of some country and be liable for taxes there. That's how it works and there are Double Taxation Treaties negotiated to ensure a person does not pay tax in more than one jurisdiction.

If you can share how I could get away with paying any taxes on my income anywhere in the world, I'd love to know!

@Changeling78 yes, I have said actually. A few times

@Cookie77777 i would absolutely have residency rights

@lunchNstuff i am out of the country for long enough each year to not qualify for taxation

Yes I agree, this story has more holes in it than a tennis racquet. If you moved a year before you met him then he has absolutely no duty or responsibility to do anything at all!

@TedMullins i still can’t see the holes. It’s perfectly understandable to start a job and meet someone a year later, or am I going mad? Just because I was working in his country mostly, doesn’t mean I was living there. I moved there last year to live with him.

So you’re living there illegally then if you have a work but not residency permit? If that’s the case how will you have residency after retirement age? I don’t believe that anyone is ineligible to pay tax anywhere, if you’re out of your home country less than a year you remain a tax resident and owe tax there. You were already spending time there working a lot and moved in with him a year after meeting, taking no risks whatsoever as you own a house and by what you’ve said the ex will be dead soon so the house will be yours to go back to or sell. You’ve also got the cushion of a substantial inheritance.

the only “risks” I can see are that you’re deported for breaking the terms of the work visa (not your BF’s problem) the relationship doesn’t work out (not specific to you, applies to literally everyone) your ex gets nasty (again, not your BF’s problem). I can’t believe your work doesn’t have a relocation package so you can properly move. If you break up you can move back to your home country or rent in this one. You also can’t specify what it is exactly you want BF to do beyond “show appreciation” But what does that actually look like in practice? It seems you’re just not taking responsibility for your own choices.

@TedMullins i am not illegal. I am very specific about which side of the visa I use for exactly this reason.
you are absolutely not obliged to pay tax in certain countries if you are out of the country for a certain amount of time each year.
I moved in with him 3 years after meeting, not 1.
I will not be deported for breaking the rules of the visa as I have not broken them
i have specified twice at least as to what I would like him to do

If you've specified twice amongst all this waffling on confusing nonsense what you'd like him to do, why not just tell him then 🙄

An old wise friend said to me when I moved into my ex partners home said" always cover your ass" Long story short he turned violent so I had to literally run for my life
Eventually I bought with my own money and will never let anyone jeopardise my security
You made the move without considering your own position
What happens when your work visa expires? Is this why you want to marry?
I would say don't marry simply because you are not on the same page but in theory you could ringfence your assets beforehand

I should've also said You do need to communicate clearly
Simply you want him to give you " breathing space" to plan you're moving out and on, so if I have that correct YANBU and all of this different countries stuff Is irrelevant
He has to state this in his will

I don’t think that you have been stupid. You got to know him for 3/4 years before moving in, You both know how your visa works and comply to restrictions put in place, you trusted him and thought that he would take care of you.
You feel in love. He’s been/being stupid.

Hang on. So you exh was so abusive you left the country. He abused your child and you freely let him move in your home to help him out. You didn’t know he was ill. but you knew you wouldn’t be able to get him out and he was a risk to the property. If he wasn’t ill, he would be in that house until you took legal action. Which you knew when you let him move in.

So you didn’t move abroad for your partner. You had already started this tourist non tourist working in this country but and found work. Not surprised he didn’t feel the need to ensure you are secure. You are no less secure than When you met him. He isn’t have going to have the conversation when you loved country for him. Because you didn’t. You simply moved into his house.

I find it hard to believe it’s legal to simply just not pay tax anywhere, either in the country you work in or your official country of residence.

The problem here is your chaotic set up. You don’t live anywhere officially, you have a home but would need legal help to remove your exh (assuming he is ill) or he dies. You haven’t secured yourself. And expect a man to do it for you.

Your moaning of ‘I moved my entire life for him and he isn’t securing my future’ is bullshit. You didn’t move for him. You moved to get away from your ex. You chose that country freely.

Why not start acting like an adult and actually realise you are making these choices. Stop making choices then putting the pressure on your dp to resolve it.

If you want to remain in the house for 6 months after he dies. Ask him for that. It would have been a 30 second email. But instead you over react. Starting making up bollocks about loving your life for him and decide he is wrong for not offering what you want, despite you not saying it.

Your chaotic lifestyle is a choice. Your choice. No one else’s

If you have no claim over his house (fine) then you keep your inheritance as security, maybe pay him rent or share bills. If you marry then situation may change and house would be left to you and inheritance to him if something happened to either of you, unless you expressly ring fenced it .

Honestly I can’t see where you’ve said what you want. You say something about a house and being allowed to stay there but don’t specify what circumstances? Is it if you break up you want to stay there? Or if he dies you want to stay there? I mean, if you break up surely you’d want to move out, and if he dies then who’ll make you leave?