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Original poster

I’ve been so stupid

175 replies

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 15:48

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 19:02

@AlligatorPsychopath read my posts

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 02/06/2023 19:13

Oh god, I couldn't be doing with all this nonsense. Why would you want to marry a man who doesn't give you a second thought when it comes to your security? He's favouring his friend's children over you, financially, yet you are giving up everything to be with him.

As for your ex - if he's abusing you he could do it from his own place. You are incredibly patient. It seems to me that you are going from one man who doesn't care about you to another man who, though not abusive, doesn't care either.

Get rid of your partner and tell your ex he has to move out.

Witsend101 · 02/06/2023 19:14

I might be missing the point but have you checked the legalities for the country you are moving to of what will happen to your assets if you are married and he dies before you? Will any assets you bring into the marriage then become shared? You need to protect the assets you have and ensure they are ringfenced for your future financial protection. He is probably thinking the same thing which doesn't seem unreasonable?

mathanxiety · 02/06/2023 19:15

Surely all you have to do is ring fence your inheritence?

Amuseaboosh · 02/06/2023 19:17

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 15:48

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

This makes no sense.

You made the decision to move and change your life.
You keep saying you have no issue with what your DP is doing with his assets.
You're an adult, and yet you expect your DP to plan your housing/financial future.

You have a property. Albeit your ex-dh is living in it at the moment, again something facilitated by you out of kindness, I get it.

But your tantrum over your DP's lack of planning is so odd.
Either have an upfront conversation, send a detailed email, or make different choices for yourself.

Amuseaboosh · 02/06/2023 19:19

And who is the primary carer for your DC if you're in another country and your ex-dh is sadly dying.

SybilWrites · 02/06/2023 19:19

I also don't get why you're so angry. Surely it's up to YOU to raise with him what will happen if he dies, and it's up to YOU to protect yourself?

Me and my partner are discussing moving in, and there's no way I wouldn't raise what would happen if either of us die.

You are putting yourself at risk moving continents to be with someone when you have no property there, no support network and apparently no legal right to go there. Plus, you can't really know him if you've never lived in the same country. So many risks there, but they're all your responsibility not his.

ProfessorXtra · 02/06/2023 19:23

So you have no problem at all with hon leaving us house to his friends kids.

But also want a right to live in that house for a vague amount of time.

You keep saying he should have thought of your security. YOU should have also thought of your security. Your own security is more your responsibility than his. That’s why it’s doesn’t make sense you are so mad at him as though it was all his responsibility. It’s a conversation that should have happen before you moved. Given that neither of you did, it makes no sense to lay this at his door

ProfessorXtra · 02/06/2023 19:25

Amuseaboosh · 02/06/2023 19:19

And who is the primary carer for your DC if you're in another country and your ex-dh is sadly dying.

They are adults

knobheeeeed · 02/06/2023 19:34

You might have had some more sensible replies if you had described the situation more clearly in your OP. It is all very garbled.
Your thread title sums up the entire thing.

Just get your ass back to your home country and stay there and leave this fucker who, as you point out, doesn't seem to give a shit about your safety and future security in his country.

Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country
The stupidity started there by the way (I don't like using the words stupid and stupidity but you used it to describe yourself first...) Why the fuck would you move 6000 miles to live with some bloke and don't even have proper residency in his country and can only come and go for 6 months at a time on a tourist visa or however it works.

On a more general note, why do so many women do things like this when a man comes on the scene. You have your own house (yes, ex is living in it but you have the security of owning a property); you have a job; you have adult children; you presumably had some kind of life/social life/interests in your home country.
Why do people give up stability like this to put themselves at risk, at the mercy of some random man???
Go on dates with someone, have some fun, shag etcetc but keep your own independence and stability.

magicstar1 · 02/06/2023 19:35

You have a very irritating way of answering questions OP.
Your DP hasn't done anything wrong, surely you just need him to put in his will that you can stay in his house for a couple of months after his death. You wouldn't be able to stay longer than 6 months anyway, and your future inheritance is more than the house would be worth anyway.
I can't really see the confusion. It didn't occur to him....but it didn't occur to you either until now.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/06/2023 19:42

I don’t understand why the responsibility to think about your future, if he dies first, is all on him and it’s his fault he hasn’t when you clearly haven’t had a conversation with him. What do you have in place to look after him if you die first?

Eyesopenwideawake · 02/06/2023 19:42

If he dies and you're not married, surely you get on a plane and go home??

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 20:15

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 18:09

@Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx because we are both away with work

Might as well satisfy our curiosity. What continents are involved here?

Original poster
Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 20:27

The whole point of thread is that I have been stupid. I know that.

@magicstar1 i outlined everything clearly in my OP - it got derailed by the pearl clutching ‘what about the children’ brigade. Why would I only be able for six months? I don’t follow.

@TheSnowyOwl he hasn’t taken any risks though, has he?

@knobheeeeed but i predominantly work in his country, so why would I go back to my home country? My job doesn’t exist there so it makes no sense

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 02/06/2023 20:30

If you've only just thought about this now, why do you think he should have thought about it sooner? Surely you have a much greater responsibility for your own future security than your DP?

So, perhaps you've both been remiss in thinking it through. Now you've thought about it and have raised it with him and he's thinking about it. He'll either come back with a solution you're happy with, or he won't. In which case you can make a decision on what to do next.

Just make sure that any financial / property decisions protect yours and your DC's future, eg by ring-fencing any contribution you make so it doesn't go to your DP's friend's children when he dies or if you separate.

WhatADrabCarpet · 02/06/2023 20:35

But you've taken all the risks!! You have no financial future there or even a legal future there?!!!
You've got children. One lives elsewhere but another is there living with a terminal dad!

Please answer the question... are you there legally?

It's coming across that you want answers that fit your personal narrative.

knobheeeeed · 02/06/2023 20:36

but i predominantly work in his country, so why would I go back to my home country? My job doesn’t exist there so it makes no sense

The only thing here that makes no sense are your posts.
You are talking about 11 hour time differences. Talking about your home country. Talking about working and being away for work. Working predominantly in his country yet not having residency there. Being on some kind of visa with some kind of 6 month time limit.

Try explaining the situation properly, in a non-garbled way. Then you might get people understanding what the issues are and being able to help.

However, if your communication in real life is as bad as it is here in these posts, it's not really surprising you find yourself in a situation like this. You probably haven't communicated your needs and wants with him clearly in a way he can understand.

I find the way you answer questions very rude actually, along with the "please quote where I said..." which you have said to several people.

Please express yourself clearly so that people don't misunderstand.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 02/06/2023 20:47

I have no idea what you want from this post but I don't think it's going to help your situation. I would advise you to stop arguing with strangers and have a conversation with your partner.

littleburn · 02/06/2023 20:59

From what you say you're financially independent of him - you have the asset of your house in your home country and a decent inheritance. You also don't mind that he's leaving his house to his friend's kids. The issue is that if he fell under the proverbial bus tomorrow, the house you share (his house) could be sold out from under you. So he needs to put a clause in his will to give you a year's grace (or whatever the term is) before the property can be sold.

I think that's resolvable. I think it's careless not to have thought of it, but not to the extent of ending the relationship, unless there's other issues going on. I'd think much worse of him if you were financially dependent and he was not making provision for you, i.e. leaving the house to the friend's kids would not be ok with me in that situation. Presumably he knows about your assets and that he doesn't need to provide for you, it's just that what he is proposing needs a tweak to give you time to make arrangements in the event of his death.

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 20:59

ProfessorXtra · 02/06/2023 19:25

They are adults

Show quote history

One is going to uni so I’m guessing teenagers. Still not a great time for their mum to bugger off, leaving them with their dying father.

FinallyHere · 02/06/2023 21:00

No one thinks it should have occurred to him to say ‘I will make sure that remain in the house until you can sort yourself out’?

Well, ultimately it would have been 'nice' if he had considered you but... you agreed to move to his country without any thought for the long term impact on you.

It isn't obvious to me that he should have done more than you have done for yourself. He has at least been clear about what you happen to his house.

There is genuinely no point in your thinking he should have done things differently. Your urgent task now is to decide what you are going to do for the rest of your life. Good luck.

Whataretheodds · 02/06/2023 21:05

You own a house. You have the means to secure accommodation in whichever country you want to live in.

Why is it your partner's responsibility to house you if something happens to him?

Hexcode16 · 02/06/2023 21:57

OP if you wish to remain with someone who after four years in a relationship with you didn’t give a second thought to your well-being in the event of his death, then I suggest you ask him to add a proviso to his will which will allow you to remain in the house until you pass or wish to move out, at which point the house passes to his friend’s children.

PortUmber · 02/06/2023 22:15

@Feithofnote

How old are your children? Did you say just off to university? So youngest is 18?

Even if they are adults, young adults? It’s quite a leap to move away to a different continent. How did you meet your ‘d’p? How much time did you spend getting to know him before your move? It all seems quite rash and unplanned. How do your children feel about you moving away?