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Original poster

I’ve been so stupid

175 replies

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 15:48

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

OP posts:
BishopRock · 02/06/2023 16:59

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 16:39

@BreviloquentBastard yes, the discussion should have been had. I am upset that it never dawned on him in all this time that I have made the sacrifices and he hasn’t made any.

Well it seems to only just have dawned on you, so I can't see how you're holding that against him.

Besides, it's your responsibility in the end, not his.

WilkinsonM · 02/06/2023 17:01

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 16:54

@WilkinsonM please quote where I said I wanted house

What is it you do want then?

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 17:03

Like others I find this confusing.

You have a house which you will leave to his children.
He has a house which he will leave to children he has been involved with.

You moved to his country to be eith him. You have a job and you are financially independent.

surely if he dies you either go back home to your house, or you sell your house and buy something in his country (if you still want to stay there).

MumblesParty · 02/06/2023 17:04

Sorry I meant you’ll leave your house to your children obviously

Peanutlatte · 02/06/2023 17:04

Readyplayerthr33 · 02/06/2023 16:21

So you’ve moved to a different continent from your children and left them with their dying father? Because you had your head turned by a man.

I think you get what you deserve in the end really.

Totally agree

Peanutlatte · 02/06/2023 17:07

Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 16:42

@WilkinsonM my house is for my children. They have their own lives and homes - but this is the family home and is always there as their safety net

If you die before your husband, can he get the house instead of your children?

EdinaCrump · 02/06/2023 17:10

Surely if you marry you will both jointly own both houses and whoever dies first will inherit from the other?

INeedAnotherName · 02/06/2023 17:12

You need to find out if you have a right to stay even if married.
You need to find out if you can stay if he dies.
You need to find out what your rights are if he divorces you.

It's all on you. I don't see a "he" at the beginning of those sentences.

MysteryBelle · 02/06/2023 17:12

I would tell him to come to my country. There’s not really any security for you in his. Say, “I’m going home and if you are serious about me as I am about you, you will be willing to come to my country as I did yours. I don’t feel secure here so you can come to me. You can think about it. I’m taking steps now to go home.”

These threads, were the woman sets the bar so low and expends so much energy trying to make a lopsided relationship work, baffle me.

Set boundaries and find your self respect and dignity.

MysteryBelle · 02/06/2023 17:14

Peanutlatte · 02/06/2023 17:04

Totally agree

Show quote history

This x1000.

Original poster
Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 17:16

No one thinks it should have occurred to him to say ‘I will make sure that remain in the house until you can sort yourself out’? I will have an inheritance that I was automatically adding to the pot, so I am a bit surprised that, yes, he hasn’t thought about it. I guess we are just on different pages. My inheritance would exceed the value of his house threefold.

it’s always amazing on Mumsnet how you kill yourself to do the right thing by everyone - but are immediately the villain for extorting men and abandoning children.

OP posts:
WhatADrabCarpet · 02/06/2023 17:17

I'm sorry but I think you've been a fool.

Your partner has stated that his house goes to someone else's children. If he dies you've got nowhere to live.
You've been vague about your residency there... are you just banking on marriage to make you legal?

Your ex is terminally ill but living in your home??

You say that your partner gave you details of his assets. Why?
If you're not legally allowed to be there then it doesn't matter.
You say that he has no regard to your future should anything happen to him but he's been clear. You get nothing.
Nor should you if you're not legally entitled to be there.

Surely, if you get married and something happened to you then your partner is entitled to inherit your property?

Why should he provide for you if you've no provision for him?

That you've already got doubts speaks volumes.

This sounds like a complete mess.

Original poster
Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 17:18

@MysteryBelle I’m still waiting to be shown where I said I abandoned my children

OP posts:
CeciNestPasUnPipi · 02/06/2023 17:18

I honestly don't think this is his responsibility, and I'm a little flummoxed about your level of emotion over it. I'm wondering if this is cold feet in disguise.

Original poster
Feithofnote · 02/06/2023 17:20

@WhatADrabCarpet that is the point of my post. I have been a fool. About all of it. Maybe I should be completely heartless and evict my dying exh. He has no money and nowhere to go, but fuck him, eh?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 02/06/2023 17:21

I notice the OP seems to be ignoring the questions about living there illegally and leaving her children behind.

RunningFromInsanity · 02/06/2023 17:23

I still don’t understand what you want from your partner?

And can you clarify if your children are adults because your comment about not moving them from pillar to post sounds like they are?

Onelifeonly · 02/06/2023 17:23

You haven't made yourself clear to be fair, so people are confused. Normally marriage confers rights on a spouse - to contest a will if it means the survivor is made homeless? Though maybe that's not straightfoward in his country.

As far as I see it, each person should be advocating for themselves. Why did you not bring it up yourself? Is he meant to read your mind? I assume he knows you have a house that you can either sell or go back to, so what would you need from him?

Eyesopenwideawake · 02/06/2023 17:23

You're an adult. Your security is your own responsibility.

MysteryBelle · 02/06/2023 17:32

Op, you’ve not been a fool about your ex. You are being kind and supportive of him in his situation and that reflects very well on you. You’ve been a fool about your “d” p.

You’re needed at home. You also have no security in this other country and your boyfriend whom you followed thousands of miles refuses to give you that security.

Drop him and go home where your children reside. If he is serious about you, he will do the following.

Raise your standards.

EggInANest · 02/06/2023 17:33

No one thinks it should have occurred to him to say ‘I will make sure that remain in the house until you can sort yourself out’? I will have an inheritance that I was automatically adding to the pot, so I am a bit surprised that, yes, he hasn’t thought about it. I guess we are just on different pages. My inheritance would exceed the value of his house threefold.

Of course you need that level of security. If that’s what you want, licence you live in the house for a year for example, then just tell him that.

Meanwhile, are you planning to give him join ownership of your big inheritance rather than protect that in whatever form for your children?

If you do marry (to be able to reside in the country) research very carefully property rights and ownership , splitting of assets on divorce etc in his country. And make sure you make a will accordingly leaving your share of assets (including your house) direct to your Dc.

What will happen about pensions? For your retirement, or his / yours in the event of death?

I dunno, you are the one with Dc and the potential for grandchildren, can he not move to your country?

WhatADrabCarpet · 02/06/2023 17:33

You need a long hard think about what's best for you.

You haven't addressed your legality in the country that you're in.
That is paramount in your decision making.

Your partner is not providing for you , that is clear. Are you providing for him?
You seem very keen to protect your own assets and it's a bit disingenuous.

Your terminally ill ex is sad enough but you have allowed it.

Choice.
Kick your terminally ill ex out of your property and come home. You've clearly got cold feet.

Hope and pray that you marry your partner, if you can, and live with him knowing that you gain absolutely nothing from him.

sheworemellowyellow · 02/06/2023 17:33

Why should it have occurred to your DP to provide security for you if he passes?

You chose to move to his country. You are an adult. It's your responsibility to ensure you are secure if something happens to him.

Am I right in thinking that you live 6000 miles away from your DC, who live in a house that you own but don't live in but that your exDh lives in? Who's going to look after your DC if/when your exDH passes? Are they going to move to the country you live in now? If so, what provision have you made for them to live with you? Isn't THAT your security if you boyfriend dies?

EggInANest · 02/06/2023 17:40

If you have an inheritance 3 times the value of his house you would be able to buy a house there?

Is it just time in his house following his death to sort yourself out that you would need?

GreyCarpet · 02/06/2023 17:42

No one thinks it should have occurred to him to say ‘I will make sure that remain in the house until you can sort yourself out’?

I suppose most people would think that your future security would have occurred to you before now.