I’ve been so stupid

[Feithofnote]

‘D’P and I are not from the same country. We met four years ago in his country and have been together ever since. Separated only by work commitments that horrible period we all lived through …. Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country. The relationship has progressed nicely and we are talking about getting married. All good.

On Monday, he sent me an email outlining his assets, what is owed and savings needed for the future. All fine, there was nothing here that I didn’t already know. He has a house, and he is leaving it to the children of friends of his as he has no children. No problem with this at all.

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

i tried to get back on an even keel with exh as he was going through a terrible time, but he became highly abusive and very possessive - mainly the reasons for our split. Finally, last year, I had to cut ties with him as his texting went over the line into seriously dangerous territory. He is, however, still in my house as, no matter what an arsehole he is, he is dying.

so, back to my stupidity. During this declaration of assets at the beginning of the week, it dawned on me that absolutely no thought has been given by ‘D’P to what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I have tried very hard to build a life and integrate into his country and community, but it has dawned on me that he has not given one fuck about where I would end up if something happened to him.

Currently, it’s not about who he leaves the house to as I have my own house, it’s about the fact that he was happy for me to move into his home in a country quite far away from my own, with no regard to my security there. I just can’t get past this thought. I have mentioned it to him in an email, and he has gone silent, bar an email to say ‘I’m trying’. He’s trying what - I have no clue. This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other. I am also not minded to speak to him at the moment.

I feel so stupid. I feel so let down. Yes by him, but also by myself. I have scrapped so hard since my divorce to make something of myself to be independent - and I’ve given all that away for ‘love’. Sometimes I second guess myself and ask ‘is it really a big deal’, but I think it actually is. His life didn’t change in any way and he never once thought how mine was changing. WTF do I do now?

@EggInANest yup, that’s all I want.

@sheworemellowyellow you are incorrect in you thinking. I did say that they are living independently. Exh moved into the house 5 years ago. One dc already gone, the other off to uni that month

Now my situation. It is very complicated… I have a house in my home country, which my exh is living in. I was away for work and he had been evicted from his flat so I offered he move into my house in the meantime. It also meant that DC was not moved from pillar to post and stayed in his own environment. During this period, exh was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is still living in my house.

Does this not mean that your child is back home in your house with his dying father?

It didn't occur to you either until now

@IhearyouClemFandango correct. Hence I am the fool

the situation regarding his country. I have a work permit for certain types of work, but not the right to live there. I can enter as a tourist for up to 6 months at a time.

@Feithofnote have you moved there already? If not I would seriously reconsider this.

So you’ve only just realised there is no safety net if things don’t work out but you’re annoyed at him for also not realising?

You need to secure yourself

@Feithofnote
I am not sure what the issue is. Especially as you state you are intent on financial independence AND are in a fortunate position of having your own house and inheritance coming.
You bf isn’t somehow being horrible. He probably (1) didn’t even think that far, specifically about something happening to him (2) assumed you’d want to go back to your own country.

Which is what I also assumed reading your post. Your only connection to this place is him and with him gone - why would you want to stay? (Rather than go back to where your kids and future grand kids would be)

Generally - it takes several months for any will to get through legal hoops to be enacted. Plus - I am guessing your friends kids aren’t going to be kicking you out the day after your Bf dies.
But if you want to have it formalised - I am sure you could just ask him to add a clause to the will. It’s quite normal.

HOWEVER - it seems to me like you are looking for excuses to be angry at him. Maybe you are actually resenting moving? Or scared? Or - changed your mind and too scared to admit it?

It appears the dc have their own houses ?

OK, so if all you want is a period of time to stay in the house in the event of his death just tell him this. Does he know this? It is very common in England and Wales for Wills to be written so that the survivor in a relationship has the right to remain for a specified period of time or circumstance (e.g if the survivor remarries) before the house reverts to whoever it has been left in the will.

In the UK wills are invalidated by marriage unless specifically made in anticipation of marriage.

Seek legal advice on how marriage and wills work in his country, and make sure you can leave your assets to your Dc.

Last year I took the plunge and moved in with him, albeit as best as I can without residency in his country.
This process is all currently exacerbated by the fact we are working with an 11 hour time difference so no real opportunity to call each other.

Why is there an 11 hour time difference if you already live in his country?

Look just dont put your inheritance into the pot. Dont marry him.
No-one us going to take care of you in your old age, but you.

@Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx because we are both away with work

If you are set to inherit three times the value of his house, why would you need anything from him, financially speaking?

I also don't get what he's done wrong. If you wanted financial security as a condition of moving to be with him, it was on you to say so at the time. But mostly I'd expect two financially independent adults with grown children from previous relationships to take care of themselves financially.

OK, so your children don't need to live with a parent full-time, and they would have somewhere to go during the holidays etc in your home country. Presumably, if/when they visit you, they would stay with you. So, housing and daily care of DC not an issue. That's a relief.

You say that all you want is time to sort yourself out if something happens to your boyfriend, but actually it seems the bigger question is the right to remain in the country regardless of him. Don't you need to get that sorted out pronto? That would be (and in fact was, when I was in your position) my #1 concern. I made sure of that before I moved in with my then-boyfriend thousands of miles from home.

Your existence in his country is EXTREMELY precarious. Your right to remain is YOUR responsibility, not his. Once you have that, you'll be free to take a rental or sort something out freely if the worst comes to pass. Possibly even own your own property straight off the bat using whatever inheritance (why not?). Get that sorted and everything else will fall into place.

You're electing to make yourself entirely dependent on him and then blaming him for not accepting responsibility for your choice! THIS is where you're being so stupid, not in being with a man who is acting quite reasonably.

Fucks sake, READ THE OP’S POSTS!

Her children are grown adults living independently. She’s finally getting free from her ex but god forbid a grown woman can ever be allowed to move on and pursue her own happiness. 🤦🏻‍♀️

To be fair, it only became apparent a few posts ago that the kids were not still living at home.

@AlligatorPsychopath please quote where I asked for financial security

@IhearyouClemFandango this post was not about dc

I don't understand why there is an eleven hour time difference between you so you can't regularly call each other. Are you both not living in the same country or have I missed something?

@sheworemellowyellow this is my number one priority. Hence getting married !

Great! So, once you're married and you have citizenship/residency, it will still be incumbent upon you to secure your future. I certainly saw it as mine, and took steps to protect myself the second I fell pregnant. For me the stakes were even higher as I moved before my DC were even babies and toddlers.

I don't think you can expect your boyfriend to treat you, upon divorce, the way you are treating your ex. You don't have children together and likely won't. You're coming together as independent adults, of a certain age. It's different. Maybe it will all come with time, but for now you're an independent agent. If marrying this man is in order to secure residency/citizenship, this sounds at least as much a marriage of practicality as romance. So, be practical. See it through. He's not being unreasonable to have covered all the bases of your choice to move to his country and marry him.

I don’t know what it is you do want.

Not the house/housing
Not finances
Legal rights to remain would be for you to resolve, preferably prior to moving but it is what it is

What do you actually expect from him?

The information is quite confusing; it’s only in the last few posts the OP has clarified that they are now young independent adults.

I am curious what stage of life the op is at. Were you planning to retire soon, or were you going to figure it out when your working visa expired?

In other words, ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ I’m a bit baffled that you would move half way round the world to such a precarious setup, but perhaps you felt a sense of freedom and escape post-marriage, so I don’t judge you for that at all; I’d worry for you, though, investing so much personally.

As a single man with no dependents, it doesn’t surprise me at all that he hasn’t thought made a provision for the op (but it sounds like he is giving it thought.) I’ve a single friend who sees no value at all in having life insurance as he feels no need to provide for anyone else (and indeed is thinking of cashing in his pension as he did an actuarial test online and expects to die at 63 👀)

Then what the fuck are you asking for that he hasn't given you? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out. He can't do anything about any issues with immigration.

@TheFireflies i have expressly said what I want