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Original poster

Abusive ex and child's birthday party

66 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 07:38

Need some advice on how you deal with ex. Bit of background is we split 6 and a half years ago, I went into a woman's refuge. He was extremely emotionally and mentally abuse as well as financial. After we split he's still held control eg. Child maintenance, bullying me into days he wants our child. I would always get loads of abuse until i gave in and agreed.
Fast forward and now I actually stand up for myself. However the abuse is more frequent and worse since I'm standing up for myself and setting boundaries.

I'm currently waiting for court from him. I have a domestic abuse advisor and have also now issued a statement to the police for malicious communication and harassment.
I've spoken to my solicitor about our child's party as it's in a few weeks. Last year we paid half and him and his sister was there. However he didn't engage with any of the other mums. He sat so far away from all of the party with his sister whilst I was running around hosting. It was awkward.

So our son wanted another party, it isn't on his weekend but he's asking what's going on as him and his family want to know. I can't think of anything more worse and intimidating than his whole family turning up and sitting in a corner giving me evils. My solicitor said it wasn't unreasonable to both do separate things considering the circumstances and how he is with me.
I've just messaged him and said I think we should do separate things for our child's birthday and I'm now getting abuse from him calling me all kinds of names. Feeling really anxious now. Standing up to him doesn't come easy and I guess I've given in because I'm scared of him.
Has anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 19:42

Lachimolala · 04/06/2023 18:51

Also to use the recording he would have to pay for it to be transcribed, he could transcribe it himself but it would have to be witnessed by a legal professional so to be sure he hasn’t lied about the contents. And CAFCASS won’t take kindly to his dad recording children, it’s a big no no and will look very badly for him.

Well knowing his solicitor I wouldn't be surprised if she bends the truth. She's extremely aggressive and even my solicitor said an email that she sent me was very aggressive and that she had never seen one as bad as that. Especially as at the time it was sent I didn't have legal representation.

Ex is now using language such as child centred and I'm not being child centred.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 19:43

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 18:30

I can understand that. Have you been keeping a log of your ex's bonkers behaviour? That should be enough to refute any 'parental alienation' claim he tries to make.

I'd block him on your phone and set up an email address for him to use. Only communicate about your ds. There's also an app that divorced parents can use to communicate about their Dc - you could try that.

You could also ring Women's Aid, see if they can advise anything. They will have heard it all before, unfortunately.

We do use a parenting app as advised by solicitors. However he still abuses me on that. I've sent the evidence to the police

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/06/2023 19:55

Was this message today on the parenting app? If he is emailing or texting block.

You want all this abuse only on the parenting app. Let him tie a noose around his own neck.

Flowers
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 19:57

Thelnebriati · 03/06/2023 10:34

I'm now getting abuse from him calling me all kinds of names. Feeling really anxious now. Standing up to him doesn't come easy and I guess I've given in because I'm scared of him.

Try looking at this a different way. He's so stupid, he's giving you the evidence you need to cut ties with him. You are not giving in; you are managing the situation.
He's not coping. You are.

You've set a boundary. He doesn't have to like it, but you've done it so well done. Don't engage with any of the abuse- 'grey rock' him.

Say to your child 'sometimes we celebrate together, sometimes mum and dad organize different things' (maybe say like Xmas and Easter, if that's accurate for you). This year it'll be separate.

And then tell your husband if he wants to organize a family party he can. You've already planned the school friends party, but you're happy for him to organize and host (and pay for!) the school friends party next year

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 20:03

What did the police advise, @Sparkleandsequin?

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 20:06

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 20:03

What did the police advise, @Sparkleandsequin?

I've made a formal statement. Still waiting to hear on the next step which she said would be him being questioned by the police. She said just to keep calling and reporting any threatening or intimidating type of messages to them. She was very surprised he was sending me types of messages on a parenting app.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 04/06/2023 20:06

Have you googled grey rock - do it ..

As for your Ds - just say Dad will celebrate on your weekend - this weekend is ours to celebrate .

leave himself to dig his hole. Report to police again if necessary.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 20:06

RandomMess · 04/06/2023 19:55

Was this message today on the parenting app? If he is emailing or texting block.

You want all this abuse only on the parenting app. Let him tie a noose around his own neck.

Flowers

It was yesterday and yes all on parenting app

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 21:08

Well, he's a dick if he's doing all this on a parenting app.

Good luck with your interview with the police. It might be helpful to make a list of what you want to say to them. 💐

RandomMess · 04/06/2023 21:27

Talk about shooting himself in the foot!

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 21:40

RandomMess · 04/06/2023 21:27

Talk about shooting himself in the foot!

I know people throw narcissistic around now but honestly, he truly believed he isn't bad and is actually a great person. I think he believes I'm the person in the wrong. Funny thing is everything that he's said and done he actually tells me I'm doing what I'm doing. It's so odd, i know it's projecting but I can't believe he doesn't see it

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/06/2023 21:44

Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 18:10

I'm just so worried he's going to say I'm trying to alienate our DS when I'm really not. This is the first thing I've ever said about his dad and him not coming to the party due to him not being kind

It sounded like good wording to me, I don't know if that would count as parental alienation, though it would have to be more than a one off. It might be worth writing down anything DS says specifically where his Dad has blamed you for things and seeing a solicitor if you're worried about this. Next time something like this happens a more generic, "Mum and Dad aren't getting along right now so we need to do xyz seperately* might be better. I really don't know if it counts as anything that you said that though, but I don't think a one off would be an issue.

I know a mum whose been fighting parental alienation, none of its recorded but it's be a sustained attack from the time they divorced 2.5 years ago every time he has DC which is 50/50, she's been fighting it in court.for 18 months, he's made up and told DC horrible lies and it's gone to appeal and there's still no guarantee they'll rule against him.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 05/06/2023 06:18

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/06/2023 21:44

It sounded like good wording to me, I don't know if that would count as parental alienation, though it would have to be more than a one off. It might be worth writing down anything DS says specifically where his Dad has blamed you for things and seeing a solicitor if you're worried about this. Next time something like this happens a more generic, "Mum and Dad aren't getting along right now so we need to do xyz seperately* might be better. I really don't know if it counts as anything that you said that though, but I don't think a one off would be an issue.

I know a mum whose been fighting parental alienation, none of its recorded but it's be a sustained attack from the time they divorced 2.5 years ago every time he has DC which is 50/50, she's been fighting it in court.for 18 months, he's made up and told DC horrible lies and it's gone to appeal and there's still no guarantee they'll rule against him.

Show quote history

I've actively encouraged DS to facetime ex and I've messaged saying our DS would like to call. I'm still allowing daytime contact atm so haven't stopped all contact with his dad. I've never said a bad word to DS about ex. So hopefully it won't go against me.
I'm really cross ex is questioning DS. I've noticed when he comes back from exes now he seems angry

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/06/2023 06:57

Have you read up on DARVO - classic emotional abuse.

Have you approached school for supper for DS, told them he seems angry when he returns from his Dads and can they do any play therapy with him?

Have you read him social story books around divorce ms different types of families?

Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"?

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 05/06/2023 17:11

RandomMess · 05/06/2023 06:57

Have you read up on DARVO - classic emotional abuse.

Have you approached school for supper for DS, told them he seems angry when he returns from his Dads and can they do any play therapy with him?

Have you read him social story books around divorce ms different types of families?

Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"?

Yes I know DARVO he's an expert in it!

I've tried with his school many times. They are really useless. I just don't know who I can turn to professionally to help my DS as he will prob be affected by the way his dad behaves

OP posts:
TheCheeseTray · 05/06/2023 17:20

Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 06:38

What do I say to my son about his dad not coming to his party? As he is expecting him to

Mummy and Daddy aren’t together anymore. You will have your birthday party with me and you and your friends here on your birthday.

if you want to celebrate your birthday with Daddy the next time you see him -then Daddy can do that for you then

same as - different houses have different rules
or
we don’t do that in this house

or

I can’t decide what activities you do with Daddy - that is his time and his decision - ask Daddy when you next speak to him

when they come back hungry - feed them

when they come back and argue be calm and deescalate it and make it back into a safe space

they come back and hit something. Gently - we don’t hit here that’s not kind. Is there anything you want to talk about? Do you want a friend hug? Or a cuddle ?

etc

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