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Original poster

Abusive ex and child's birthday party

66 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 07:38

Need some advice on how you deal with ex. Bit of background is we split 6 and a half years ago, I went into a woman's refuge. He was extremely emotionally and mentally abuse as well as financial. After we split he's still held control eg. Child maintenance, bullying me into days he wants our child. I would always get loads of abuse until i gave in and agreed.
Fast forward and now I actually stand up for myself. However the abuse is more frequent and worse since I'm standing up for myself and setting boundaries.

I'm currently waiting for court from him. I have a domestic abuse advisor and have also now issued a statement to the police for malicious communication and harassment.
I've spoken to my solicitor about our child's party as it's in a few weeks. Last year we paid half and him and his sister was there. However he didn't engage with any of the other mums. He sat so far away from all of the party with his sister whilst I was running around hosting. It was awkward.

So our son wanted another party, it isn't on his weekend but he's asking what's going on as him and his family want to know. I can't think of anything more worse and intimidating than his whole family turning up and sitting in a corner giving me evils. My solicitor said it wasn't unreasonable to both do separate things considering the circumstances and how he is with me.
I've just messaged him and said I think we should do separate things for our child's birthday and I'm now getting abuse from him calling me all kinds of names. Feeling really anxious now. Standing up to him doesn't come easy and I guess I've given in because I'm scared of him.
Has anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 03/06/2023 06:55

Once you’ve got through this year, the subsequent years will be so much easier.

SeasonFinale · 03/06/2023 06:58

Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 06:38

What do I say to my son about his dad not coming to his party? As he is expecting him to

Now you are older you will celebrate your birthday twice , once with mummy and then again with daddy.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 07:00

DS will ask why he isn't coming. Ex has said he's going to tell DS "the truth" that I'm stopping him coming to the party

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 03/06/2023 07:04

Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 06:38

What do I say to my son about his dad not coming to his party? As he is expecting him to

Daddy and mummy don't live together any more and its making daddy sad and cross with me and that makes me sad. I dont want to be sad on your birthday party so I think its best if daddy doesnt come and he can do a separate celebration for you with X and Y. Isnt that great 2 parties.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 07:21

Berthatydfil · 03/06/2023 07:04

Daddy and mummy don't live together any more and its making daddy sad and cross with me and that makes me sad. I dont want to be sad on your birthday party so I think its best if daddy doesnt come and he can do a separate celebration for you with X and Y. Isnt that great 2 parties.

Show quote history

Thanks that's a good suggestion

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:43

You just need to stand firm. Tell him you're separated now and holding separate parties for your ds is best. Can't you block him? Or go to the police again?

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:45

And be truthful to your son: tell him that Daddy won't be at his party, and say why (Daddy isn't being very nice to Mummy and Mummy is sad), but Daddy can have his own party for you.

Lachimolala · 03/06/2023 09:20

I’ve got this exact dilemma currently. I want to do separate parties due to his years and years of abuse towards me. But ex doesn’t have any family in our town, nor does he have friends with kids to invite. So he’s already told me he’ll be inviting my guest list, so all the kids from her class. And planning any party for before or the same day as mine.

It’s just so embarrassing, all the parents will get two invites and not know what’s going on. Likely not attend both and think I’m totally nuts. It makes me feel like I’ll always have to back down and not have a party for our children unless he’s there to muscle in.

Why can’t they just leave us alone?

Lkgcsr · 03/06/2023 09:40

Do your one party and stand firm on that; you may actually find that your DC is relieved as it doesn’t sound like a nice party for him if his dad is acting like that and his mum is tense and anxious. This isn’t your fault and you don’t need to feel bad.
Also set up an email for communication only and block him from your phone then you can check the email when you are feeling prepared and not have him able to have constant communication or a separate phone that you just check periodically.

Dery · 03/06/2023 09:54

“I’ve got this exact dilemma currently. I want to do separate parties due to his years and years of abuse towards me. But ex doesn’t have any family in our town, nor does he have friends with kids to invite. So he’s already told me he’ll be inviting my guest list, so all the kids from her class. And planning any party for before or the same day as mine.

It’s just so embarrassing, all the parents will get two invites and not know what’s going on. Likely not attend both and think I’m totally nuts. It makes me feel like I’ll always have to back down and not have a party for our children unless he’s there to muscle in.”

If parents know you’re separated, I think they’ll just assume that’s why your LO is getting 2 parties. That’s what I’d assume and it’s fun for your LO and the children. I think you’d have to be a pretty grumpy parent to mind your child being invited to 2 parties for the same child. Perhaps just make clear that the children aren’t expected to bring gifts to both parties. Maybe bill it as Parts 1 and 2 of the same party. You can do something a bit different at yours to what has gone on at the first. Sensible people won’t think you’re nuts - they can read between the lines.

Thelnebriati · 03/06/2023 10:34

I'm now getting abuse from him calling me all kinds of names. Feeling really anxious now. Standing up to him doesn't come easy and I guess I've given in because I'm scared of him.

Try looking at this a different way. He's so stupid, he's giving you the evidence you need to cut ties with him. You are not giving in; you are managing the situation.
He's not coping. You are.

Natty13 · 03/06/2023 11:12

"I'll be happy to do joint parties and activities with you when you can go 6 months without calling me X, Y and Z. Youre asking me for compromise and you need to realise I'm just not going to do that as long as you are so aggressive with how you talk to me" - quote what he has called you recently.

Berthatydfil · 03/06/2023 11:44

How old is your child? Im assuming minimum around 7 if you split 6 years ago.
You are / have already approached an age where traditional parties can be dispensed with in favour of activities with smaller numbers of friends and then just have visits /small family tea at home with granny/aunties etc if appropriate.

I appreciate you already said you have booked this one but you can make it the last one.

I would either not engage or do the broken record with your ex. “We aren't together any more. Its natural to do things separately. I have booked and arranged this. You can go ahead and arrange something for you and your family”

Maray1967 · 03/06/2023 12:37

Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 07:21

Thanks that's a good suggestion

Show quote history

Exactly that. Make it clear that dad can organise a second birthday do for him when he has him - and let’s see if he does.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 16:45

piedbeauty · 03/06/2023 07:45

And be truthful to your son: tell him that Daddy won't be at his party, and say why (Daddy isn't being very nice to Mummy and Mummy is sad), but Daddy can have his own party for you.

I told this to my DS and tried to explain. He then went to his dad's for the day. I got a text from ex stating DS had told him everything and that I'm trying to turn DS against him and that he's recorded the whole thing to use in court. I'm not sure how this will look against me. I'm not trying to turn him against his dad but I think it's best to be truthful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 16:47

Lachimolala · 03/06/2023 09:20

I’ve got this exact dilemma currently. I want to do separate parties due to his years and years of abuse towards me. But ex doesn’t have any family in our town, nor does he have friends with kids to invite. So he’s already told me he’ll be inviting my guest list, so all the kids from her class. And planning any party for before or the same day as mine.

It’s just so embarrassing, all the parents will get two invites and not know what’s going on. Likely not attend both and think I’m totally nuts. It makes me feel like I’ll always have to back down and not have a party for our children unless he’s there to muscle in.

Why can’t they just leave us alone?

I know I can see ex in the future trying to get in there before me. I would love for them to leave us alone. Its like an obsession because they hate us so much for knowing the true real them

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 17:48

I told this to my DS and tried to explain. He then went to his dad's for the day. I got a text from ex stating DS had told him everything and that I'm trying to turn DS against him and that he's recorded the whole thing to use in court. I'm not sure how this will look against me. I'm not trying to turn him against his dad but I think it's best to be truthful.

I think it's right to be truthful, in an age-appropriate way. I can imagine a court would take a very dim view of a father pumping his dc for information then recording him! It makes him sound batshit. Not you.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 17:51

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 17:48

I told this to my DS and tried to explain. He then went to his dad's for the day. I got a text from ex stating DS had told him everything and that I'm trying to turn DS against him and that he's recorded the whole thing to use in court. I'm not sure how this will look against me. I'm not trying to turn him against his dad but I think it's best to be truthful.

I think it's right to be truthful, in an age-appropriate way. I can imagine a court would take a very dim view of a father pumping his dc for information then recording him! It makes him sound batshit. Not you.

Yes obviously in an age appropriate way and I gave as little detail as possible. I asked if our DS knew he was being recorded but he didn't answer the question. I didn't think you could use recordings as evidence if the person didn't know about it.

He is really damaging our child and its awful. I'm currently trying to get help for our DS as he has anxiety which is so much worse now

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 18:03

You have to advocate for yourself and your child.

Don’t communicate - tell him he’s blocked unless DS is with him.

Any communication must be only regarding DS and his welfare.

If the party is an issue - then move it to another date and time so he won’t know - message the parents and explain there was an issue so it’s rearranged - kids won’t care!

If Ex wants to do a party let him!

He’ll then understand how stressful they are - that’s on him - if he can’t behave himself - he’s not invited

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 18:10

I'm just so worried he's going to say I'm trying to alienate our DS when I'm really not. This is the first thing I've ever said about his dad and him not coming to the party due to him not being kind

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/06/2023 18:27

Your ex is stating this to bully and abuse you.

There is no truth in what he is saying and it is not parental alienation.

Block your ex so he can no longer abuse you. I strongly recommend that you only use a parenting app from now on, one that is court approved.

You need to ignore your ex, you need to not receive or read this abuse.

Read up about grey rock technique. Speak to woman's aid and get support. Speak to Rights of Women and see what advice they give you.

piedbeauty · 04/06/2023 18:30

I can understand that. Have you been keeping a log of your ex's bonkers behaviour? That should be enough to refute any 'parental alienation' claim he tries to make.

I'd block him on your phone and set up an email address for him to use. Only communicate about your ds. There's also an app that divorced parents can use to communicate about their Dc - you could try that.

You could also ring Women's Aid, see if they can advise anything. They will have heard it all before, unfortunately.

Lachimolala · 04/06/2023 18:45

Sparkleandsequin · 04/06/2023 16:47

I know I can see ex in the future trying to get in there before me. I would love for them to leave us alone. Its like an obsession because they hate us so much for knowing the true real them

Show quote history

It’s exactly this, a large part of it is also down to them wanting open access to us to wreak yet more havoc.

If it helps my ex dragged me through court too, he tried to get it written into our order that we share birthday parties and alternate the years on who has to arrange them. Every judge (and there was 5 in the end as it lasted 14 month) said nope. That it was reasonable to share birthdays but any party has to be thrown on that parents time and at their own cost. So who ever our child is with on their birthday, he other parent gets 3 hours to celebrate their birthday with them and that’s it.

It is 100% not parental alienation.

Lachimolala · 04/06/2023 18:48

Dery · 03/06/2023 09:54

“I’ve got this exact dilemma currently. I want to do separate parties due to his years and years of abuse towards me. But ex doesn’t have any family in our town, nor does he have friends with kids to invite. So he’s already told me he’ll be inviting my guest list, so all the kids from her class. And planning any party for before or the same day as mine.

It’s just so embarrassing, all the parents will get two invites and not know what’s going on. Likely not attend both and think I’m totally nuts. It makes me feel like I’ll always have to back down and not have a party for our children unless he’s there to muscle in.”

If parents know you’re separated, I think they’ll just assume that’s why your LO is getting 2 parties. That’s what I’d assume and it’s fun for your LO and the children. I think you’d have to be a pretty grumpy parent to mind your child being invited to 2 parties for the same child. Perhaps just make clear that the children aren’t expected to bring gifts to both parties. Maybe bill it as Parts 1 and 2 of the same party. You can do something a bit different at yours to what has gone on at the first. Sensible people won’t think you’re nuts - they can read between the lines.

I read this the other day, and honestly thank you so much for writing this. It has really given me the perspective I need!

I am guilty of letting him have his own way far too much and caring too much about what other people might think.

So this morning I booked a church hall and a bouncy castle! I’m going to do her a party on my weekend and he can do whatever he wants with whoever on his.

Lachimolala · 04/06/2023 18:51

Also to use the recording he would have to pay for it to be transcribed, he could transcribe it himself but it would have to be witnessed by a legal professional so to be sure he hasn’t lied about the contents. And CAFCASS won’t take kindly to his dad recording children, it’s a big no no and will look very badly for him.