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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s crushed me. What next?

104 replies

TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 17:41

Please help me if you can?

I’m a 43 year old divorcee. Divorced 3 years ago and I have 2 wonderful children.

Since the divorce, there was the pandemic, I had a bereavement and life has been alright but not amazing. I’m struggling financially but my children are fantastic, I love my job and I have great friends.

Until recently, I really liked myself. I’m overweight but I’m told that I have a nice body shape and a pretty face. I’m a really nice, good person. People love working with me and for me because I’m a supportive boss and apparently a good role model.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get the chance to meet new men and I felt confident and attractive.

Now I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I met a man 16 months ago and he has destroyed me somehow. I don’t even understand how it happened.

He’s 2 years younger, we have professional jobs, we’re both bright, he’s extremely funny. However, he’s quite an acquired taste and isn’t conventionally attractive.

I’m beginning to think he is a narcissist because he seemed really in to me at first. However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Today is the last straw. On Monday he was desperate to see me for a date. Arranged for today. Yesterday he messages to manage my expectations that he’s on medication (true) and he’s not well but he’s open to being persuaded into still meeting. I didn’t lower myself to persuading him. Lots more friendly chat and flirting. Today he cancels the date because he’s tired. I give a very short reply. He knows I’m cross. That’s it now. It’s over.

But now I am left with the shell of my confidence. He preferred every other woman to me. Women who were much slimmer or much fatter. Women who rejected him who slept with lots of guys except him (I on the other hand have been 100% loyal to him). Women who are more clever than me (although I am well qualified and have a challenging, academically rigorous job).

So now what? I have no confidence left. Objectively I see I look the same and I look nice. But I feel like a worthless piece of trash because that’s how he treated me and now I’m believing his interpretation of me.

How can I build myself up again? How can I give myself value again? How can I get some hope back that one day I will have a loving relationship?

I feel trodden on. Worthless. Hopeless. Of no value.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 01/06/2023 17:48

You dumped him because he is an arse.
Why would you care what an arse thinks about you?
You are an intelligent independant professional woman with a successful career.
You are healthy and attractive and answer to no-one.
Take a deep breath, feel the relief that he is out of your life.. and move on.
You can do this.
X

Stratocumulus · 01/06/2023 17:48

Whoa! You are amazing and articulate.
You have made a life despite lots of challenges after your marriage broke up.
You have insight and solid boundaries. You are a good example to your children and are just feeling a bit crushed for now.
Chin up.
Plan some sunshiny days out and activities with the kids and your friends. Fill your spare time diary. Give yourself time to retrieve some perspective and before you know it, one day you’ll be bombing along and feeling so much better.
“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!”
You'll be fine. You’ll see.

StopStartStop · 01/06/2023 17:52

Deep breaths. You'll recover.
You've done the right thing - he messed you about, you gave him chances, he still did it, you sacked him. That's you having proper boundaries and being a capable, competent woman. Well done. Forward, now!

CruCru · 01/06/2023 17:59

Please don’t see him again.

The thing is, we give boyfriends so many more chances than we give other friends. If a friend went on about other friends while you were doing something fun, it would be weird and rude. A friend who blows hot and cold and flakes ends up being phased out.

Seaoftroubles · 01/06/2023 18:01

You did the right thing and are well rid of him. He's just a manipulative player who enjoyed making you feel 'less than' with his constant comparisons to other women. Be proud that you have ended it, you knew your worth and acted on it, well done!

GloriousD · 01/06/2023 18:12

he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Your only responsibility here was to assert a boundary and put in consequences when he trashed them repeatedly by leaving him.

Was your marriage also abusive? What was your upbringing like? Did you have to tolerate crap?

Opentooffers · 01/06/2023 18:12

Perhapse you werent quite as confident as you thought, you'd just not been tested. For him to be able to bring you down you have to be fragile and believing of him in the first place. You know when you are the sort to not take any crap when you dump at the first signs of disrespect. However, you hung in and listened to all his crap, that was your choice to do. Hopefully you can put this down as a learning experience. Some people get lucky with men, but most get to a good one after wading through a lot of dross first. The key is to not waste time and effort on dross.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:17

Bonbon21 · 01/06/2023 17:48

You dumped him because he is an arse.
Why would you care what an arse thinks about you?
You are an intelligent independant professional woman with a successful career.
You are healthy and attractive and answer to no-one.
Take a deep breath, feel the relief that he is out of your life.. and move on.
You can do this.
X

I’m not sure I dumped him did I? I was just off with him so he knew I was really annoyed and we haven’t spoken since. Well he sent another text, all friendly, about something else that I read and ignored.

This should be the day that I dump him. This should be the start of my life without him.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Niceseasidetown · 01/06/2023 18:17

Oh dearest you will recover.

Actually you sound brilliantly detached and aware.

It was a setback and I know it hurts now but he's just one of the many pathetic losers out there....it's nothing to do with you at all

He had problems long before he met you and he will keep having them

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:18

Stratocumulus · 01/06/2023 17:48

Whoa! You are amazing and articulate.
You have made a life despite lots of challenges after your marriage broke up.
You have insight and solid boundaries. You are a good example to your children and are just feeling a bit crushed for now.
Chin up.
Plan some sunshiny days out and activities with the kids and your friends. Fill your spare time diary. Give yourself time to retrieve some perspective and before you know it, one day you’ll be bombing along and feeling so much better.
“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!”
You'll be fine. You’ll see.

Thank you for your positive reply. Have several nice things planned and I plan to read lots of books!

OP posts:
Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:18

StopStartStop · 01/06/2023 17:52

Deep breaths. You'll recover.
You've done the right thing - he messed you about, you gave him chances, he still did it, you sacked him. That's you having proper boundaries and being a capable, competent woman. Well done. Forward, now!

I want to be that boundaried person that you mention. I think it’s the only way, isn’t it?

OP posts:
Pacflan · 01/06/2023 18:19

Sounds like ending this will do you the world of good OP. Talking about exes during sex and making you feel like crap- you deserve better.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:20

CruCru · 01/06/2023 17:59

Please don’t see him again.

The thing is, we give boyfriends so many more chances than we give other friends. If a friend went on about other friends while you were doing something fun, it would be weird and rude. A friend who blows hot and cold and flakes ends up being phased out.

I’m so lucky to have really decent friends who love and respect me. I made a friend through work, more recently, who suddenly turned on me and behaved quite badly. I just stepped right back and she was dead to me 😂. I wish could be more like that with men.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 01/06/2023 18:22

After my divorce in 1990 I met a guy like this- total opposite of my ex husband and he was quite the charmer! (Also 2 years younger than me) initially he was great but turned out to be a complete cocklodging waste of space- final straw for me after I had a termination (at the point I knew I wanted him to disappear off the face of the earth) was he put up a banner in the house on my return saying 'hope your fanny gets better soon' - I exited stage left within weeks!!

CC222 · 01/06/2023 18:23

It sounds to me like deep down he's incredibly insecure and emotionally immature. To bring you down to his level, he used certain tactics to impact your own self confidence such as talk about ex's during intimate times. Even if it wasn't obvious at the time, it's made you feel like you're not good enough because he's still thinking about other women when you're at your most vulnerable. That's definitely narcissistic traits!
He's not good enough for you!
You sound to me like a beautiful person, inside and out. It's time now to heal your self esteem again, focus on yourself and enjoy finding happiness on your own for a while. You've got this! 🙌🏻

Whattheactualfucking · 01/06/2023 18:23

I think you might have been dating my ex. If so trust me you’re better off without him.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:26

He didn’t even apologise when cancelling tonight’s date:
”I didn’t have a good night last night and exhausted so it’s not a good idea to meet today. Couldn’t sleep etc”.

I knew he would cancel. He has form. I’m normally nice to him but I just said “Sure”.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 01/06/2023 18:27

Would taking some time off dating help? As long as you seek your confidence from men you are dating, I don't see it ever being stable.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:27

Seaoftroubles · 01/06/2023 18:01

You did the right thing and are well rid of him. He's just a manipulative player who enjoyed making you feel 'less than' with his constant comparisons to other women. Be proud that you have ended it, you knew your worth and acted on it, well done!

I don’t know if he’s a manipulative player. He may well be.
Or whether he’s just really messed up .

OP posts:
OrangeFleece · 01/06/2023 18:28

He's an absolute arse and abusive, I would say. None of what he said is true, you say he prefers slimmer and larger women than you which means he likes all shapes and sizes, including you, but as he is a dick he wasn't going to say that. Men like this need power (because they are so bloody insecure) and they get it by treating women badly .
None of this has anything to do with how you look, it's him .
If you don't feel as if you have dumped him, either send him a text telling him you don't want to see him again or better still delete his number and ignore him.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:32

GloriousD · 01/06/2023 18:12

he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Your only responsibility here was to assert a boundary and put in consequences when he trashed them repeatedly by leaving him.

Was your marriage also abusive? What was your upbringing like? Did you have to tolerate crap?

Yes I should have been far more boundaried from the beginning.

My marriage wasn’t abusive but it lacked love, care, warmth, communication and sex.

I had a parent who abused me but it was in a hot and cold way. They would be incredibly cruel then incredibly loving. I always forgave them and knew that it wasn’t my fault. It gave me some great skills like empathy, emotional intelligence, perception (I was on high alert because of their changing moods) but it also meant I didn’t know how to have a normal relationship. I was/am terrified of confrontation. I don’t know how to ask for my needs. I don’t know what’s reasonable vs needy. I struggle with holding men to my standards. I have always picked men who are disinterested in me because they won’t try to cross my boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:32

Opentooffers · 01/06/2023 18:12

Perhapse you werent quite as confident as you thought, you'd just not been tested. For him to be able to bring you down you have to be fragile and believing of him in the first place. You know when you are the sort to not take any crap when you dump at the first signs of disrespect. However, you hung in and listened to all his crap, that was your choice to do. Hopefully you can put this down as a learning experience. Some people get lucky with men, but most get to a good one after wading through a lot of dross first. The key is to not waste time and effort on dross.

Thank you. This makes so much sense.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 01/06/2023 18:33

He sounds like a catch - not.

Stop dating and get into some personal care. Mind, body & soul. Including raising your bar and your self-esteem so you don't let ONE man you haven't even known that long (shame you've wasted months on him instead of getting rid as soon as he started all that disrespectful talk), define how you feel about yourself.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 18:33

Niceseasidetown · 01/06/2023 18:17

Oh dearest you will recover.

Actually you sound brilliantly detached and aware.

It was a setback and I know it hurts now but he's just one of the many pathetic losers out there....it's nothing to do with you at all

He had problems long before he met you and he will keep having them

“He had problems long before he met you and he will keep having them”
This is so true and even he would agree.

OP posts:
sadsack78 · 01/06/2023 18:38

He doesn't deserve you. Ditch him.

I would take some time to focus on yourself, op. You've been through a lot and deserve to have some time just for you, not worrying what some dude thinks of you.

Be kind to yourself. Recharge your batteries. Spend time with your friends and kids, read books, do nice things for yourself you maybe haven't had time for because you were devoting time to this guy, or going through your divorce etc.

Regardless of weight, you deserve someone who thinks you are every bit as hot, wonderful and beautiful as you are. As another poster said, weak, small men try and get a crumb of power they're too pathetic to get elsewhere by manipulating and crushing women. Often women who intimidate them with their kindness and ability to go through the world like a decent human being.

He's a sad little man and he's wasting your time.