Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

I wonder if deeper issues are at play here.

Why would losing two relatives and uncles change his values in a relationship?

People lose relatives and friends many times in their lives, but their fundamental attitude/values in intimate relationships don't change.

How would bereavement make him a chauvinist if he is not one?

He is one.

His bereavements are a separate issue.

he says he has no empathy because he has had a hard time last year, 2 friends died, 2 uncles

Why would being bereaved cause you to have no empathy?

That makes absolutely no sense.

Have you ever been bereaved; did it miraculously remove your empathy?

I almost wish it had removed mine, maybe I'd spend less time feeling sad.

Also wasn't he having the same type of fucked up relationship with his two exes (which failed) before his bereavements? So ... Totally separate.

His values re relationships appear to be founded in his culture and his character.

Some cultures are simply not compatible with liberal democracy and an ideal if equality for both sexes (and gay people etc etc). You don't try to compromise towards those cultures in a relationship. Let them partner someone from their culture and you do the same.

*Why would losing two relatives and uncles change his values in a relationship?

Sorry, that should have said - two friends and two uncles

one of the first nights we got drunk around each other

Is he Muslim?

If so, he's not supposed to be drinking alcohol.
He really does like to cherry pick (as another poster already pointed out a out his relationship "approach") what suits him, doesnt he?

He may say that but it won't be true.
He did the cheating.
He's just lying.

Why are you believing everything he says?

How often does he hit you?

I’ve came across men like this from a Wide variety of races and cultures, including British men . They pick and choose when to be ‘traditional’ and sometimes cherry pick parts of their religion.

One of the most respectful guys I’ve dated so far was a British Pakistani Muslim. He was traditional in the sense that he paid for things and held the door open etc but he never tried to silence me and wouldn’t have suggested we move in together because he was actually traditional lol not just traditional when it suits him.

Are you afraid of him?

Nope. Run like your tampon string is on fire. This has all the hallmarks of an abusive family.

*relationship. Not family. Oy.

My views are.... run for the hills

Bonkers . Run .

This is the weirdest thread.

if you’re not happy in the relationship, just leave. No one here can convince you that something you don’t think is normal is normal. If you thought it was normal, you wouldn’t be posting on here.

I don’t know why you’ve entertained this nonsense for more than 5 minutes op

He has quoted me that the bible says wives should submit to there husbands, and its culture screaming at us to be dominant, he said wives should still come to them with there opinions, wants and needs, and husbands aren't inferior, but if the husband doesn't agree then they need to be OK with that?

Why are you still with this abuser?

And why are you analyzing his abuse?
Just leave him.

There's so much nonsense here. Some of the things the bible says were appropriate for when it was written, like avoiding eating shellfish. Some were good forever, like love thy neighbor.

The Bible also says that slaves should obey their masters. Do you think that's still appropriate?

Unless you are a fundamentalist, literalist Christian why would you care about his citing this obviously self-serving tosh?

Misogynistic dressed up.

I could never manage to be around somebody like this socially let alone in a relationship.

Pretty much this.

Do you live with him already as you mentioned him 'coming home in a bad mood' yet this is a new relationship?

Jesus had a lot of time for women’s opinions - there’s a lovely account of his conversation with the woman at the well. And it was her voice that convinced the men of the village to consider his message.

Proverbs 31 is a wonderful description of an ideal woman - someone who stands against injustice, is a voice for the oppressed, runs her own business. Pretty accurate description of feminists.

Strong men don’t need women to be weak to make them seem strong. But abusers do.

I agree, and its sort of contradicting when he speaks about traditional woman and the 'man' of the household - but expects me to contribute financially (albeit small amount) eg he would pay all the bills and maybe I got the food, or utilities.

Agree, no one is this stupid.