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Original poster

DP, estranged wife and other matters

120 replies

Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 08:58

I am at breaking point and I know some of this is for me to get therapy to figure out how to make better life choices but something which has become overwhelmingly anxiety inducing is DP relationship with estranged wife.

They separated about 15 years ago but for the sake of their DC still maintain family time which I am fine with.

What bothers me that although they have separated finances, DP is still relied on heavily for all sorts of support and has and will continue an extremely comfortable life for her, I am hurt by the fact DP is not open about this as I accept he has amassed a fair amount of wealth so his ex/wife is able to work on a voluntary basis which is separate to me because that was the life they build before I came along. DP has hidden the level of support he offers to her but justifies everything as he does it for his children. I am exhausted from day to day live so whilst envious of the time and energy I could have, feel that DP doesn’t offer me anywhere near the same kind of support - he sees it as I’m not his DCs mother so it’s ok. I understand the point but then why did he leave if he feels this way. Hopefully someone can shed some light of what is really going on here!

I am very confused at this point as DP and I will never live together so I miss out on a stable family setting but also don’t want my DCs household disrupted as they have had a lot of that in recent years because of their father. So the together apart thing make sense.

While DP claims he has no relationship other than to support the mother of his children I am starting to think he is living a double life because of how involved he is in family projects like renovating new houses and spending all significant holidays with his family as this stage of the game.

am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s a bit much and I’m being disrespected

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/05/2023 08:59

Sounds like you are effectively the OW

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 30/05/2023 09:00

Are they divorced?

If not, I think you just have to accept that you have no control over how your boyfriend and his wife conduct their relationship.

You do have control over whether you stick around, though.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 09:02

It’s possible that you’re right. I know if quite a few me who still sleep with wife/ex wife whilst separated (even in a new relationship) and don’t think it’s cheating or unusual. Could you talk to the ex?

EggInANest · 30/05/2023 09:02

How long have you been together?

Daisydu · 30/05/2023 09:04

Yeah sounds like you’re the OW. I wouldn’t be ok with this ridiculous set up. And you’re clearly not. You’re allowed to have boundaries you know

TopHatWonderer · 30/05/2023 09:07

Your relationship isn't going to go anywhere. He is showing you who he is, if you cannot be okay with that then the relationship is over. It is completely fine for you to say this doesn't work for me. If he isn't willing to change the situation then you are done.

Maybe this distant relationship of living apart from his wife is why their relationship now works.

Oopsiedaisyy · 30/05/2023 09:21

Finances, well he probably feels as the father of their children he has a responsibility. My DPs ex does not work, but he is clear he supports his children, not her.

What's this about holidays though?

Spanielsarepainless · 30/05/2023 09:26

If they split up 15 years ago, the children must be 15+ and one could be university age or older. He isn't your partner, he's her husband and you are being deceived. It's not you, it's him.

feralunderclass · 30/05/2023 09:28

You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it OP. You don't want to live together, but want his financial support so that you don't have to work so hard? You aren't his wife, or the mother of his children. He's clearly happy in his set up, so you either have to accept that or else try to find a way for him to give you money to resolve it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/05/2023 09:34

Does this man want to live with you? Where does he spend Christmas Day?

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 09:37

So they go away on holiday together regularly? Your DP, his ex wife and their DC? I would not be happy about that at all.

SheilaFentiman · 30/05/2023 09:39

feralunderclass · 30/05/2023 09:28

You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it OP. You don't want to live together, but want his financial support so that you don't have to work so hard? You aren't his wife, or the mother of his children. He's clearly happy in his set up, so you either have to accept that or else try to find a way for him to give you money to resolve it.

I think OP meant time and attention (eg holidays, furniture shopping, whatever) not money.

OP, why do you want to be with him?

feralunderclass · 30/05/2023 09:42

SheilaFentiman · 30/05/2023 09:39

I think OP meant time and attention (eg holidays, furniture shopping, whatever) not money.

OP, why do you want to be with him?

Show quote history

It says in OP that she's fine with the time he spends with her and their dc, but resentful of the financial situation.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 30/05/2023 09:42

So they separated 15 years ago? How old are the kids?
Why on earth does an ex require that level of support?
It's obviously the only way they can make their relationship work. You are playing second fiddle. The man either has no back bone and cannot ignore his ex's demands or enjoys the best of both worlds with you hanging around.
What a dick. Angry

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 09:44

We have been together for 7 years and he’s always been 100% clear there is no intimate relationship with her. He failed to properly end the relationship and just left to start a new life as the kids were old enough and goes back to see them when they all congregate at home. He stays in the annex or in another property he owns near by.

His culture is very family orientated but he is also consumed with guilt over the pain he has caused for being absent when the D.C. were younger and he also knows he is not being fair to me as he wasn’t honest about the stop start divorce proceedings, so it’s become a bit of a mess.

He is also clear he supports her as she is the mother of his DC but he has separated things so she is financially autonomous.

He is displaying some very negative traits like complete selfishness and self preservation as time goes in and I’m having a really hard time processing the situation.

He has gone on holidays as a family but always with the DC.

Someone has said to me some people to maintain a marriage of convenience as there is no relationship or intimacy but not sure this is what is happening here as he has a tendency to compartmentalise his life to some degree.

He seems to think that everything is acceptable as long as there is no physical intimacy and I’ve explained to him that this doesn’t make hiding fundamental information ok. That’s his weird line in the sand, and if there was any intimacy he would t be able to continue with me.

He isn’t a very sociable person except for work related matters but we go everywhere together and have a normal relationship in that way but he seems to have put his family life into a bubble. This has all come out recently I want to add as I’ve been naively bumbling along not realising how involved he still is in terms of support and involvement. Also want to add he is still very involved in his DC lives even though they are older.

OP posts:
CrackedSkull · 30/05/2023 09:47

He's a cake man .

StopFeckingFaffing · 30/05/2023 09:47

You refer to him as DP but it doesn't sound like he views you as his 'partner'

He may be very fond of you but at best you are his girlfriend, at worst you are the OW

If you can't accept the set up as it is then I would end the relationship

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 09:51

It’s not about finances, as he supports me in that respect too. It’s about the level of involvement he has and support in other matters not just finances.

I’m not fine with the time but have to accept he had a life before we met.

OP posts:
TUCKINGFYP0 · 30/05/2023 09:51

StopFeckingFaffing · 30/05/2023 09:47

You refer to him as DP but it doesn't sound like he views you as his 'partner'

He may be very fond of you but at best you are his girlfriend, at worst you are the OW

If you can't accept the set up as it is then I would end the relationship

This. He’s just your casual Bf who is still married ( legally , socially and financially ).

It’s not going to get any better. If you were my friend I’d tell you to cut your losses and move on. You will never meet a truly single man while you are tied to this cake eater.

andweallsingalong · 30/05/2023 10:00

Going against the grain, but if you don't live together (and don't intend to), aren't married and don't have any children together I wouldn't expect any merging of finances, financial transparency or for him to support you in any way.

Could his lack of transparency be because he is struggling with your wanting a say in his finances.

At the end of the day he seems happy as he is so it's up to you to decide if you are okay with that or end the relationship.

villamariavintrapp · 30/05/2023 10:10

I'm not sure I understand. Does he support her financially or is it just with his time? And he supports you financially even though you don't live together, aren't married and don't have any joint children? Why does he have to pay you?

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 10:17

I don’t want a say that’s the point, it’s the over all support I’m questioning as all the separated parents I know live very separate lives and don’t rely on their exs for input as they are independent of each other.

If he was only offering financial support and not involved in some of the day to day decisions then that would make me feel a lot more confident he really has actually unwound things.

Its his day to day involvement and the reliance she appears to have on him as it seems whilst he has left, she hasn’t moved on, and I feel that’s because he hasn’t truly addressed matters. I am starting to think he ‘ran away’ and has been ‘managing’ everyone from a distance including me.

He claims he isn’t happy with the complicated set up as he calls it but hasn’t done much to change things expect for a few adjustments here and there. So hard to believe it’s making him too ‘miserable’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 10:22

Pay me? What I mean by financial support is if we do shared activities together.

I have a very successful career and completely financially independent so this is not the issue - the issue is yes the time invested, I don’t expect him to cut all ties but I am surprised as time goes on how he is seeming a lot more relaxed about spending time visiting. He seems less averse to spending time visiting and doing everything possible to spend more time with me and my DC and I am trying to figure out why so I can make a decision about where I want to go from here.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 30/05/2023 10:26

OP, for what ever reason he isn't invested in you and your family as much as his own. After 7 years I would prioritise you and your dc..why be second best? You deserve better.

loislovesstewie · 30/05/2023 10:36

I think from what you are saying that this is a clash of cultures. I'm not asking where you or your partner are from, but it might be that in his culture people don't regularly get divorced, but he is free to do as he wants providing he continues to support the family. In other words, it's like saving face. Would I be right?