DP, estranged wife and other matters

[Movingonthrough]

I am at breaking point and I know some of this is for me to get therapy to figure out how to make better life choices but something which has become overwhelmingly anxiety inducing is DP relationship with estranged wife.

They separated about 15 years ago but for the sake of their DC still maintain family time which I am fine with.

What bothers me that although they have separated finances, DP is still relied on heavily for all sorts of support and has and will continue an extremely comfortable life for her, I am hurt by the fact DP is not open about this as I accept he has amassed a fair amount of wealth so his ex/wife is able to work on a voluntary basis which is separate to me because that was the life they build before I came along. DP has hidden the level of support he offers to her but justifies everything as he does it for his children. I am exhausted from day to day live so whilst envious of the time and energy I could have, feel that DP doesn’t offer me anywhere near the same kind of support - he sees it as I’m not his DCs mother so it’s ok. I understand the point but then why did he leave if he feels this way. Hopefully someone can shed some light of what is really going on here!

I am very confused at this point as DP and I will never live together so I miss out on a stable family setting but also don’t want my DCs household disrupted as they have had a lot of that in recent years because of their father. So the together apart thing make sense.

While DP claims he has no relationship other than to support the mother of his children I am starting to think he is living a double life because of how involved he is in family projects like renovating new houses and spending all significant holidays with his family as this stage of the game.

am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s a bit much and I’m being disrespected

Have you met his children?

No

What do your children think about him being married to someone else but dating you?

So what's he doing now whilst you are on here, sat with his wife ?

Could you call him now and talk or are you restricted as to when you can contact him ?

@LadyLapsang why would they have any idea about that?

@HostaLuago he is at home, and she is thousands of miles away in her home. One of my DC isn’t feeling great so I cancelled dinner plans but we will have lunch tomorrow hopefully.

There have never been call restrictions ever in fact, one thing he’s done is made sure he is always available if I need anything at all be it on the phone or in person.

Well, unless your children are very young, I would assume when you introduce the person you are dating and then they get to know him, they would ask about his children etc. 7 years down the line I would have thought it would have come up that he wasn’t divorced.

No, it’s never been discussed nor are they to my knowledge aware, and it’s not something I think they should be either as I don’t think it’s ideal at all obviously.

Does his wife live in a different country?

How can he be that involved if she is thousands of miles away ?

Yes, but lived here when their DC were young

@HostaLuago she relies on him for all major life decisions still and he has been inconsistent with how involved he is and things come out after the fact, that doesn’t sit well with me for obvious reasons.

Have you asked him to file for divorce again ?

What actual support does he give her and what further support do you need?

I haven’t asked him to do anything, but I have told him I never ever thought I’d be out in the position I have as he wasn’t upfront then it was called off and supposed to be back on. The not knowing what’s going on is causing enormous stress and he tells me that yes it will be done as soon as the ‘complications’ have been resolved.

What can I say to that?

I not 100% sure exactly as we don’t discuss their interaction, he doesn’t like to talk about her much and refuses to discuss my ex’s.

I don’t need any support exactly just to stop feeling weirded out by the fact I’ve been with someone who was supposed not in the situation he’s in, it’s creating a rift and he thinks I’m being unfair to feel the way I do about it because as far as he’s concerned there is only a piece of paper and no marriage. I of course have no idea if that’s true as there hasn’t been complete honesty from him.

It's not 'only a piece of paper and no marriage' if she she relies on him for all major life decisions. That's a contradiction. Maybe he is not being honest with himself, rather than just lying to you. It is clearly an unconventional set up, but he is still involved with his wife.

It doesn't seem like he is going to change. The 'complications' thing is nonsense, if he wanted to get divorced he would.

You are no longer happy with the situation. He thinks your feelings are unfair to him because he wants you to get back in your box.

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Do the positives outweigh the many negatives that have been highlighted in this thread?

Maybe end the relationship but tell him he is free to contact you once the divorce is finalised, then stop contact and focus on your own life - don’t put your life on hold, date others if you want. It sounds as if you are continuing very much from a sunk costs perspective.

@MrsSquirrel yes you are right, although there has been less and less involvement over the years and he admits he is wrong but it’s too not the ‘normal’ approach and I also agree he isn’t honest with himself, with this and also about other things around his children which I stay well away from as frustrating as it is to keep quiet and not point out obvious facts. His life choices before I met him are none of my business or concern obviously.

Around the ‘complications’, yes I agree he could just go forward with his but I also know he’s having to work a lot at the moment having separated things or so he tells me.

Yes, there are many positives amongst the many current negatives and stress but the stress is also to do with life factors beyond me, and I won’t allow him to dump that on me. I may seem like I have poor boundaries as I’ve made allowances for things which should never be allowed but I do!

@LadyLapsang I feel you are right deep down but then I also know that I don’t want to be with anyone else and I am also actually very happy with the relationship even if it’s far far far from perfect.

I know he does feel ‘tormented’ at times and I do feel a little guilty for having little to no sympathy as this situation is mostly down to him, I accept my responsibility for staying but not the circumstances which led me into it in the first place!

Such balanced and insightful counsel on here for which I’m very appreciative of

@LadyLapsang I feel you are right deep down
but then I also know that I don’t want to be with anyone else and I am
also actually very happy with the relationship even if it’s far far far
from perfect.

Then nothing will change, you are afraid to place boundaries so this is the reality for the rest of your existance.

I meant the other aspects, so I am completely against, but don’t know how to draw those particular boundaries. I tried to walk away once but we were both so unhappy apart, and I know that sounds pathetic.

Please , please end this relationship op.

This relationship will continue to fuck you up unless it ends .