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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP, estranged wife and other matters

120 replies

Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 08:58

I am at breaking point and I know some of this is for me to get therapy to figure out how to make better life choices but something which has become overwhelmingly anxiety inducing is DP relationship with estranged wife.

They separated about 15 years ago but for the sake of their DC still maintain family time which I am fine with.

What bothers me that although they have separated finances, DP is still relied on heavily for all sorts of support and has and will continue an extremely comfortable life for her, I am hurt by the fact DP is not open about this as I accept he has amassed a fair amount of wealth so his ex/wife is able to work on a voluntary basis which is separate to me because that was the life they build before I came along. DP has hidden the level of support he offers to her but justifies everything as he does it for his children. I am exhausted from day to day live so whilst envious of the time and energy I could have, feel that DP doesn’t offer me anywhere near the same kind of support - he sees it as I’m not his DCs mother so it’s ok. I understand the point but then why did he leave if he feels this way. Hopefully someone can shed some light of what is really going on here!

I am very confused at this point as DP and I will never live together so I miss out on a stable family setting but also don’t want my DCs household disrupted as they have had a lot of that in recent years because of their father. So the together apart thing make sense.

While DP claims he has no relationship other than to support the mother of his children I am starting to think he is living a double life because of how involved he is in family projects like renovating new houses and spending all significant holidays with his family as this stage of the game.

am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s a bit much and I’m being disrespected

OP posts:

HostaLuago · 01/06/2023 20:21

I am feeling very low today and in a way I haven’t before. Almost like a
grief has taken over, it’s very unsettling and he seems tired which is
unusual too, so something is not right but I don’t know what it is.

He's cottoned on that you're not buying this shit anymore probably.

He'll turn on the feel sorry for me act soon to diffuse your anger so you don't squeal to his wife.

Op is he older than you ?

HostaLuago · 01/06/2023 20:25

Yes he has a place here but he has a few places and is currently working
away in another. I have been there many times as it’s not too far away.
That doesn’t bad doesn’t it.

Sounds like he has access to different properties.
I think you could be deaing with a serial cheat here.

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 01/06/2023 20:26

I feel low as reading all the replies and quite possibly truths about what I had been completely oblivious to is incredibly depressing.

He’s tired and says his work is stressful and not working out the way he wants it to.

Yes, he is older.

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 01/06/2023 20:31

It’s strange though, his bottom line seems to infidelity but now it seems like that what’s he’s being doing if going by the assumptions from what I’ve said on here are true.

It seems that as long as he isn’t actually having sex with anyone else, anything else goes. It’s a weird logic.

OP posts:

HostaLuago · 01/06/2023 20:32

He’s tired and says his work is stressful and not working out the way he wants it to.

Que the violins.
**

Scruffthemagicdragon · 01/06/2023 23:50

Movingonthrough · 01/06/2023 20:31

It’s strange though, his bottom line seems to infidelity but now it seems like that what’s he’s being doing if going by the assumptions from what I’ve said on here are true.

It seems that as long as he isn’t actually having sex with anyone else, anything else goes. It’s a weird logic.

Again, how do you know that he isn't having sex with anyone else? It could just be that he doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else and so that it's just a line he spins. Unless you're really in the mix of it all, met friends and family (after 7 years) can you really get a true feel of what is going on?

What are you getting from this relationship that is good and worth all of this low feeling?

Scruffthemagicdragon · 01/06/2023 23:52

And are you really happy that anything goes as long as it's not Infidelity? It doesn't sound like it.

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 02/06/2023 10:42

That’s not really something I have considered he would do, he’s many things though so it seems anything is possible which makes this even worse as if he can lie to me the way he has he can lie about sexual infidelity too of course.

No, I am not happy with the compartmentalisation and absolute lack of transparent but what I can get my head around is he claims there is a lack of trust of me because when I’d go out with a particular group of friends we would stay out late and have too much fun in his opinion, and according to him it wasn’t a good look - he was jealous I think. Nobody was getting fall down pissed or running around clubs!

We’d go out for dinner and then after dinner drinks, and maybe have a few too many but nothing beyond that. So he used that against me time and time again but that was right when we first started seeing each other and I was very single before that. A few flights but nothing serious or too intimate. I told him about that too which was a mistake as apparently that was considered bad behaviour too. I agree that’s a little controlling but I don’t remember going into graphic detail of much.

I want the truth of his life but realise sadly at this point I don’t think he is capable. I made too many adjustments to make things work and now that I have had so many insights on here it seems it’s all been one sided.

OP posts:

ZekeZeke · 02/06/2023 10:48

How many years younger are you than your OH?

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 02/06/2023 10:53

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 03/06/2023 11:39

So if you were divorced when you met him and you had children you presumably were late twenties early thirties and he was around 50? So now he's heading rapidly for 60?

I don't know why this huge age gap makes me view it differently but it screams to me that he's in a long marriage and you are his younger but on the side.

He didn't want you going out because he had his hooks in you and didn't want you meeting someone more appropriate.

The finances in his marriage are only complicated because he lets them be. Presumably a proper divorce would mean he loses 50% of his assets and he doesn't want that.

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 18:55

@OhamIreally yes, you’re correct.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the financial ‘complications’, but probably although he says he doesn’t care about the money so now that I think about why then would he cite financial complications have delayed matters. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 03/06/2023 19:10

so he has teenage kids (probably nearly adults) and still spends time with his ex

does his wife know about you? and im saying wife because i wouldn't be surprised if she was still legally his wife

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 19:16

I see you have not read all the posts @PaintedEgg ☺️

They are older than that, only one at home and apparently she knows, and yes legally still married.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 03/06/2023 19:39

sorry! ive must have missed that

in this case it does sound more like an agreement between them which is fair - for them. Not really for you

Scruffthemagicdragon · 03/06/2023 19:58

I'd say that them being older and the query over money in PaintedEggs question should amplify how bad your situation is. They may not have read the full thread, but the chasm between being baffled at a lower key situation than the one you are actually experiencing should really be setting alarm bells off for you.

Scruffthemagicdragon · 03/06/2023 19:59

"Apparently" she knows....

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 20:02

@Scruffthemagicdragon ? Not sure what you mean

OP posts:

RememberNancyDrew · 03/06/2023 20:03

Sounds like your relationship has just run its course. It was a carefully crafted thing, and now it's grown old and tiresome.

Maxaluna · 03/06/2023 20:16

It sounds like you've opened your life to him, but he hasn't reciprocated.
For example, he spends time in your home / with your children, but you don't spend much time with his family or friends? He is more at home in your space than you are in his?

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 20:25

To some degree as if we spend time with my DC we usually go away, or meet up for an activity or dinner and he’s doesn’t stay over as I don’t want to bring anyone in to their space as they’ve had a very hard time with their dads household changes over the years.

I go to him when I don’t have them but if you mean family space outside of the physical home environment then I suppose this is a fair statement.

I am not sure about it being carefully crafted but I do think there has been a lot of things which are not transparent enough.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 03/06/2023 20:52

Given you still have children at home and aren’t living together, how often do you see him? Are you going out for dinner or is he staying in your home? Basically he is a married man and I expect he spends more time at the family home than you think. As long as you were happy with the dating on the side aspect, and it doesn’t sound like you have met his wife or children or are acknowledged public ally as his girlfriend, then that type of compartalised life could suit, but reading between the lines you want him to divorce and live with you. I know of someone like him, I would not assume he is exclusive with you. I would think hard about whether this relationship is still serving you.

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 21:02

We go out for dinner, just us and also with my DC, and whenever I don’t have my DC I’m with him which is EOW and half the holidays.

In our home town it’s publicly acknowledged whatever that means.

I am not sure about living together as I think it would destabilise my DC to be quite honest.

If it wasn’t exclusive then that is obviously a dealbreaker for me. Assume
your friend has several on the go, I would be horrified if it was the case here.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 03/06/2023 21:21

If you walked around the home town where his wife lives and went out to dinner, would you be acknowledged as a couple, has he introduced you to siblings, relatives etc. ?

Original poster

Movingonthrough · 03/06/2023 21:27

Very good question, I’ve no idea! He has no living siblings. He had a sister but she died very young.

We have been to the hometown where his wife originally comes from as they lived there for a while and her entire family is still there and he didn’t act any differently to how he does at home but that doesn’t really count does it I suppose.

OP posts:

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