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Original poster

DP, estranged wife and other matters

120 replies

Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 08:58

I am at breaking point and I know some of this is for me to get therapy to figure out how to make better life choices but something which has become overwhelmingly anxiety inducing is DP relationship with estranged wife.

They separated about 15 years ago but for the sake of their DC still maintain family time which I am fine with.

What bothers me that although they have separated finances, DP is still relied on heavily for all sorts of support and has and will continue an extremely comfortable life for her, I am hurt by the fact DP is not open about this as I accept he has amassed a fair amount of wealth so his ex/wife is able to work on a voluntary basis which is separate to me because that was the life they build before I came along. DP has hidden the level of support he offers to her but justifies everything as he does it for his children. I am exhausted from day to day live so whilst envious of the time and energy I could have, feel that DP doesn’t offer me anywhere near the same kind of support - he sees it as I’m not his DCs mother so it’s ok. I understand the point but then why did he leave if he feels this way. Hopefully someone can shed some light of what is really going on here!

I am very confused at this point as DP and I will never live together so I miss out on a stable family setting but also don’t want my DCs household disrupted as they have had a lot of that in recent years because of their father. So the together apart thing make sense.

While DP claims he has no relationship other than to support the mother of his children I am starting to think he is living a double life because of how involved he is in family projects like renovating new houses and spending all significant holidays with his family as this stage of the game.

am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s a bit much and I’m being disrespected

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 10:45

@loislovesstewie yes, this is how he has tried to describe it from her perspective and seems to think it’s a burden he doesn’t need, but he has choices so I can’t entertain him complaining about it as he goes along with it.

He had a character flaw which means he will take the easiest path to suit him and expects me to carry the burden of his decisions as he has an expectation that I must support him in every capacity he needs and he will do the same within the limitations there are and with the caveat the situation is what it is, that we will not have a traditional set up for various reasons.

Exhausting reading this back.

OP posts:
CeciNestPasUnPipi · 30/05/2023 10:51

Forget about what he is or isn't doing.

How is this making you feel? Awful? Then you have your answer right there. Trust your emotional response to your circumstances. That's all the information you need.

Winterisalmostover · 30/05/2023 11:24

I was in your situation for nine years. This was complicated by me having his DD, despite him wanting me to terminate.

It didn't end well. He always had more than a foot in each camp. It was mostly with her. He lied that he was away working and then I'd find out he had actually been on a family holiday. He definitely didn't live with her, but had a flat nearby. He moved in with me for a couple of years, but was still round at her house with his other DC a lot.

They both died young and were still married when they died. I was dumped like a piece of rubbish when someone younger came along.

OP, you are probably wasting your time like I did.

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 11:40

I’m sorry @Winterisalmostover that seems terribly sad and I fear you are right. I feel very sad too as it never needed to be complicated.

I never thought I’d end up in this sort of a situation in a million years and it’s very hard to accept certain things I never thought possible.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 30/05/2023 11:44

@CrackedSkull
He's a cake man .

And he's eating it

Oopsiedaisyy · 30/05/2023 11:49

I have sympathy for your position as my DP is not divorced and has kids with a woman who seems incapable of buying jam without needing his support, but what my DP has done is build boundaries and be very clear that his top priorities are his kids, me and then her as the mother of his children, nothing more. When she over steps the mark, asking for him to so things that, would take time away from him and me, he pushes back.

Softoprider · 30/05/2023 11:51

My partner and his ex wife should never have married. No point blaming one or the other for the complete failure they existed in even though there is a lot of blame.. it's water under the bridge.
She bled him dry though.. never worked and liked spending ...
When their child went to Uni he paid for everything.. he had credit cards maxed out because the level of demand became unreasonable and he could not manage.
He was living with me by now.. divorced and still unable to help pay our mortgage because he was still paying the other one and the second one and everything else.. holidays, cars etc etc.
When the marital home was sold he paid off debts and she still asked him for money and he still coughed up.
We do not have holidays. We live frugally. I wish I had not allowed things to get this far down the road because ultimately he placed other people before me, and still does.

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 11:59

Thanks everyone for the kind mesages. I think for me I also feel so much pressure to be in a traditional relationship and family home but in many ways I actually am very happy with the arrangement much of the time as I’ve my own space and DC are with their other parent some of the time.

the issue I have is he still gets to maintain the safety net of having a family home (he can afford to run two households) and the benefits of a carefree life with me. I know he feels guilty but not enough to do the right thing as far as I’m concerned but I also know he doesn’t want his DC to think he is the bad guy for leaving when he did, and the way he did. There was no clean break as she wanted to keep the status quo while he quietly separated their lives.
If I want to be with him, then there are enormous expectations and sacrifices from my side.

then we of course met and he didnt think I would accept his position so he made out he wasn’t as involved. So there is a lot of resentment from my side as he wasn’t honest which he admits was an enormous mistake and he’s started to use these issues we have around me not accepting things as differences which prevent us from having a more standard set up. Nonsense obviously the reasons are purely his attachments.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 30/05/2023 12:05

OP There does not seem to be any real honesty here. It makes me feel sad just reading it. So much of what you have written I can relate to. These days I just get on with my own life and ignore the rest. I think sometimes you have to for the sake of your own sanity.

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 12:15

That’s seems like sound advice and I try to when we are not together but he has a way of breaking things down and he has to have absolute control over everything including the narratives as any negatively or ill feeling towards our situation is not something he copes with.

I can’t bring it up either as he just shuts down on me and repeats the same thing about how we discussed the issues we have and I am wrong about the involvement he has an so on. the conversation then deteriorates and we both end up frustrated - it’s not like this all the time of course or what would be the point there are some enormously happy times but I don’t know if it’s enough at this point as he has said he would understand if I wanted to meet someone and settle down traditionally. When I even started to explore that with him he got upset. he claims he’s trying to be considerate of my needs and I challenged him and said sure maybe I should actually take time out to think about things as he is making some very big statements and he got incredibly upset with that, so I decided to leave it there, so on we carry.

The contradictions are very tiring.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 30/05/2023 12:24

Settle down traditionally?

That's the kind of conversation a married man has to his mistress when she starts wanting more....

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 12:28

He raised it not me, originally he wanted more but I didn’t / wasn’t thinking long term as when we first go together I wasn’t considering it as an option as my DC were much younger so wanted to see how things progressed.

He accused me of not being ready for a relationship at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 12:32

And I have actually told recently him the way he’s behaving this can’t be anything other than an affair. This of course ended in a pretty bad fall out and is actually unhelpful in trying to figure out in a reasonable way what to do.

we spend a fair amount of time together and my DC are very settled so moving someone in is not on any to do lists - they like him but not sure they want to live with anyone new right now. I certainly need a lot of space

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 30/05/2023 12:32

I’m sorry but it basically sounds like you’re the OW here and he’s leading a double life. It doesn’t sound to me like they’ve actually separated from what you’ve said. Does the “ex” know about you and have you actually confirmed this with her?

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 12:35

I’ve no idea what he’s told her no, she lives very far from my home town.

I don’t want to be the OW under any circumstances and if this turns out to be the case then I will be having a very different approach

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 30/05/2023 13:05

Does he have his own place in your home town?

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 13:10

Yes

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 30/05/2023 13:21

I can’t bring it up either as he just shuts down on me and repeats the same thing about how we discussed the issues we have and I am wrong about the involvement he has an so on. the conversation then deteriorates and we both end up frustrated

This to me is the core of the problem, you can't communicate with him about the situation. Even though you are not happy about it, he doesn't want to engage.

You have to proceed on the basis that he is not going to change. Are there enough good things about the relationship to make it worthwhile to continue even with the communication problems? Or does your current anxiety outweigh the good things you get from him?

SquishyGloopyBum · 30/05/2023 13:26

It's because he wasn't honest. He never gave you the opportunity to thinking about and draw that boundary. The deception here is the issue. And the hall of him saying it was you that wasn't ready for a new relationship.

It's been 7 years and they don't know about you? That's crazy.

YukoandHiro · 30/05/2023 13:29

Does the wife know about you?

If not I doubt very much they are estranged

YukoandHiro · 30/05/2023 13:33

Sorry OP but I think he's trying to "control the narrative" because he knows you have the power to destroy his cosy set up by revealing yourself to his totally unaware wife and kids.
Presumably having two women run around worrying about him and meeting his needs suits him very well.
I think you deserve much better.

Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 13:58

I suspect that you are maybe a tad embarrassed to state the ages of his DC. That is because on some level you are aware that you have turned a blind eye for years to a situation that most people would not entertain and yea, it is getting to be embarrassing the low status in his life you've accepted.
They are adult DC perhaps now? So no reason at all to go on holiday with them. It doesn't even sound like they live with their mother these days either if they 'gather together' occasionally at her place. He gets the physical side from you, and the rest from his wife and family, unfortunately, that's what you've settled for. Do his family even know about you after 7 years?

CornishGem1975 · 30/05/2023 14:07

Is he still married to her?

Honestly, the whole thing to me would be a red flag and I'd be out of there.

Original poster
Movingonthrough · 30/05/2023 14:10

@Opentooffers yes, thank you for articulating what I have been trying to in my own head.

it never used to be this way though, only in the last year or two so.

I have calculated that roughly he spends 6 weeks or so out of the year there, and 3 of the DC have moved out, one of the older ones is still there.

He claims the D.C. know but he doesn’t want to talk with them about his personal life. Assume that’s BS having read through the replies.

OP posts:
HostaLuago · 31/05/2023 11:54

It sounds as though he has decieved you and most likely his wife.

You are the only one who can change this situation. He's a cake eater and disrespecting both of you with his lies.

Do you really want your children knowing this type of man ?