DP, estranged wife and other matters

[Movingonthrough]

I am at breaking point and I know some of this is for me to get therapy to figure out how to make better life choices but something which has become overwhelmingly anxiety inducing is DP relationship with estranged wife.

They separated about 15 years ago but for the sake of their DC still maintain family time which I am fine with.

What bothers me that although they have separated finances, DP is still relied on heavily for all sorts of support and has and will continue an extremely comfortable life for her, I am hurt by the fact DP is not open about this as I accept he has amassed a fair amount of wealth so his ex/wife is able to work on a voluntary basis which is separate to me because that was the life they build before I came along. DP has hidden the level of support he offers to her but justifies everything as he does it for his children. I am exhausted from day to day live so whilst envious of the time and energy I could have, feel that DP doesn’t offer me anywhere near the same kind of support - he sees it as I’m not his DCs mother so it’s ok. I understand the point but then why did he leave if he feels this way. Hopefully someone can shed some light of what is really going on here!

I am very confused at this point as DP and I will never live together so I miss out on a stable family setting but also don’t want my DCs household disrupted as they have had a lot of that in recent years because of their father. So the together apart thing make sense.

While DP claims he has no relationship other than to support the mother of his children I am starting to think he is living a double life because of how involved he is in family projects like renovating new houses and spending all significant holidays with his family as this stage of the game.

am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s a bit much and I’m being disrespected

6 weeks (that you know of), so almost all his A/L entitlement?

You are the OW. He shuts down the convo, becomes defensive, silent treatment/stonewalling when you expect any more or even anything that resembles a committed relationship between you both.

This is not going to resolve to your satisfaction if he has done this for 15 years.

He has compartmentalised you both for HIS needs, not yours. It is obvious his wife has no idea about you. Men seem to be able to do this so easily with an affair if it carries on 2+ years, always using the children as an excuse. What decent woman, would suspect or object and so it continues.

Time to reevaluate your relationship as obviously not working for you.

I've been there, for 3 years. Of course it transpired that I was the OW. Pleased to say that both I and the (now ex) wife are completely free of him and his incessant lies

I think that you must have incredibly low self esteem to tolerate this set up for 7 years. You are setting an awful example to your own children by living a half life. It doesn't sound healthy. What has actually made you hang around for so long?

What a load of old cock he has been telling you OP. Nobody does that for the sake of the children. He is still with her.

@Psuedoshoes how did you find out?

@pillsthrillsandbellyache It’s not self esteem as I know I don’t deserve to be treated like absolute shit nobody expects to uncover things and when one does a decision needs to be made.

@NothingbutaHounddog666 she knows as they have discussed these things over the years but she does t know any specifics

@Gettingbysomehow he isnt still with her he left but they appear to still have some sort of relationship which isn’t a marriage (legally yet) but he’s not cut ties in the usual way which is what I have the issue with

He hasn't cut ties with either of you ! Perhaps he is hoping one of you will jump first and solve all of his life problems. What a horrible little man to have children with and for them to look up to as mum's boyfriend with or without benefits of any kind father

There will be weddings, grandchildren in the future if he has 4children -I don’t see things getting less over time - now, when the eldest leave home is when you’d expect them to be getting on with their own lives and making less demands on his time.

I can’t see him stepping away once the pfb grandchild arrives.

Whether this man has left his wife or is still with her and you are the OW, the point he has a foot in both camps whereas you are invested solely in him - it is a very unequal dynamic and clearly he doesn't have the integrity to be completely transparent with you or do the right thing by you.

I feel like I'm noticing more of these kinds of situations; women investing a lot in a man with children only to discover down the track that behind charm and image of being a "good guy" is someone who is manipulative, and putting two and two together, seeing why the mother of his children let him go. He will move on to another woman and reel her in with the same skills that had the previous women in his life believing and getting invested in him.

Really sorry, @Movingonthrough, that got are going through this. You're not alone with this horror experience and your deserve so much more.

• horrible

I couldn't be bothered.

Well he is certainly having his cake and eating it.
Stability from his ‘family’ sex on the side with you.
She is his wife, his next of kin. What are you? However you look at it you are the ow.
Time to decide if you want this type of life.

I am in the same position except that I finally called time. I really believed the whole thing but realise now just how skilled that's men are. We had/have mutual friends who believe we are a couple because he appear to then to be single when he met me and we are always together at New Year's Eve's friends parties etc - I met his oldest friends from school and work (or friend who he's been close for 30+ year s who went to his wedding -met one of his sons within the first few weeks etc.
If they really are living entirely separate lives there is no reason she should not know about me.
But that is the sticking point and why I have ended it.

I agree, ultimately this man shouldn't be in any children's lives, he's a compartmentalizer and a bad influence, it wouldn't surprise me if there were other daliances going on.

Why would he be content with just 2 women, his boundaries have shown he will take all the pleasure he can get.

His life is set up perfectly for his own needs.

It sounds like you need a clear plan for the future. If his youngest is late teens surely the family holidays stop soon? Have you had that conversation. Do you ever intend to live together? As the children get older does he intend to move somewhere else permanently. Your work situation shouldn’t affect him at all. Because you don’t live together. I wouldn’t compare. If you don’t agree about home situations/holidays etc maybe it’s make or break time?

He was fairly absent when they were growing up so feels guilty so tried to spend more time with them now. I know ridiculous.

We discussed living together yes and he wanted to but then it just sort of fell apart as we went through a rocky patch, as he wasn’t sure I was invested. It took me a long to to be sure of things after a particularly bad time with my DC father.

So in the early days of the romance he promised more, enough for you to totally discard your ex and be reliant on him.

There are men out there who do this, they get wrapped up in the neiwishness of the relationship and then back off, you needing more space suits him perfectly. This sounds more like FWB relationship and I'm also sure he knew you were totally invested, you thought you were in control, you were not, he made you believe that.

He is still married with all the comforts and respect that goes with being a family man, and he has you for fun. Ask him to file for divorce and get back to you when he's free.

I think you are giving him too much credit being a caring thoughtful partner, he's not, he's a user and a selfish man.

I was well separated when I met him and is complaint was he didn’t think I was ready for a relationship as I would still go out with friends so he through I wasn’t ready to settle down. I wasn’t about to do anything without careful consideration.

So he wanted you to stop seeing your friends to prove that you were ready for a relationship with him??

He didn’t approve of a certain group of friends and one male in particular as we were and still are very good friends.

He doesn’t have an issue with me going in - I should have been clearer

Please bin this off. You deserve so much better. Let his wife have him. Sadly you will not be the only one over the years .

So you wont leave his wife for you but he expects you to dump your friends for him ??

Reading through the full thread and seeing the part about how you live far away from his wife and kids sounds to me as it's under the guise of him 'working away' and needing a house in this (your)location to his wife. It sounds as if they are very much still together and he's been having a long term affair with you. His defensive responses kind of highlight this.

Have you ever googled or checked the wife's social media to read her status/see pictures? It sounds like he's manipulated the whole situation to carry on an affair with you and she may not know they're separated.

I'd get digging if I were you. You deserve much more than to be kept a secret

Thank you all for the insightful responses.

There were a few other relationships apparently after they separated but he originally told me there weren’t. I not sure why he would lie about that as I don’t care.

I believe she knows this but they don’t discuss it , it came up a long time ago as they have been discussing divorcing for a long time but then stopped proceedings due to as he claims money matters. The divorce proceedings are not a lie as I saw the filings. He says it’s complicated but not why it’s complicated.

I have looked on her social media yes but there isn’t much to go on except some very old photos of the whole family. His doesn’t have much either.

I am feeling very low today and in a way I haven’t before. Almost like a grief has taken over, it’s very unsettling and he seems tired which is unusual too, so something is not right but I don’t know what it is.

Yes he has a place here but he has a few places and is currently working away in another. I have been there many times as it’s not too far away. That doesn’t bad doesn’t it.

If they are still together it's possible that she visits him in his different places too. You only know what he tells you. His edited narrative. It's possible they are separated. It's possible that they aren't. But he doesn't sound like he treats you all that well. What is it in this relationship that is worth you feeling low and unsettled?