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Original poster

Dh can't get over something

104 replies

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:16

Dh and I have been together 18 years, married 11, 2 young dc (8 & 2) the years since having children have been tough as we both work full time (I'm office hours and he's shift work including 4 weeks out of 6 on nights so that's an added stress)

When we had first DC I possibly had Post Natal anxiety, I was definitely an anxious parent, and I had some counselling but things like contact naps, wanting to be the one to feed them, and not wanting to leave them overnight we're things I got called up for by dh. I did push dh out a bit, but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

We now have dc2 and I have much better, but dh still thinks I have PPA with dc2. I have tried harder to not have the contact naps when they were a baby, they went into a bed a lot earlier, I have had to leave them overnight a lot more due to work commitments etc, but because I still don't do everything exactly how dh wants (ie if they wake in the night I will go and try and settle them, or they have the tablet a bit too much when I am trying to get housework done or need 10 minutes to sit down after work) he thinks I am still ill

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Clapyourhandssayyeah1 · 29/05/2023 09:20

I don’t understand - you sound like a completely normal parent to me. I love contact naps. DH brings me snacks and water and I binge watch tv while baby sleeps on me. I also didn’t do a night away until baby was 11 months old as I didn’t want to - that was for a wedding too so not randomly away from baby.

honestly your DH sounds like an unsupportive jerk. What has he done to help with both kids or he just whinges about you not doing things right?

Niceseasidetown · 29/05/2023 09:20

He just sounds selfish and unevolved.

Unless there's loads you're not telling us what did he think life with kids would be like?

Everyone says things they don't mean sometimes so i'd give him a chance to backtrack on this.

Only you know the state of the marriage....has he been happy or unhappy the last 8 years?

GiveupHQ · 29/05/2023 09:20

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

Face value seems enormously unsupportive and unreasonable

but who knows what the last 8 years have been like for him 🤷‍♀️

007DoubleOSeven · 29/05/2023 09:21

I'm sorry op but I don't see that you're doing anything wrong.

007DoubleOSeven · 29/05/2023 09:21

How is the general balance of control within your relationship?

Letsallthinkofaname · 29/05/2023 09:23

Can I suggest you go to therapy together to work through this?

It sounds like you've not been able to be the mum you want to be because you're overly conscious I'd how he perceives things. The last 8 years may well have been horrible for him but you need to work through it before the resentment kills your marriage.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:26

but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

He sounds like he put an awful lot of the burden of childcare onto you.

He had some fucking neck saying he can't forgive you for your behaviour (which doesn't sound abnormal esp given how much of the burden of child see you were left with) ...m it should be the opposite.

Groutyonehereagain · 29/05/2023 09:27

Wow, I was just like that! I honestly think it’s completely normal behaviour. Your DH is a dick if he doesn’t get that. Sorry @Wellthatwasalogday82 💐

Arrivederla · 29/05/2023 09:30

I think we need a bit more information. What is he like generally? Is he involved and supportive when he is at home?

He sounds like someone who turns everything around so that it's all about him, but I guess it must be really difficult for him if he genuinely feels he has been pushed out for years... What do you think op? Is he genuinely upset or a selfish idiot?

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/05/2023 09:36

Sounds to me that he's blaming you because of your past difficulties rather than facing up to his work and the restrictions that brings, i.e. his choices, being the reason he doesn't have the connection with the kids he thinks he should have. It's really awful of him to blame you like this.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 09:39

Ask him what he thinks of your dc. Are they happy, well balanced kind dc? If so that's down to the parenting you did. Does he resent them too op?

Original poster
Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:41

I don't think the last few years have been easy for either of us and I do get he probably feels pushed out he complains I take control of everything and we do disagree on a lot of how to raise the children

For example to discipline the 2 year old he has been putting them on thr step since 18 months old which I strongly disagree with and have made it clear I won't do it. He takes that as me undermining him and not listening to him

He also thinks the children should be more independent, well the 2 year old. So if we are at somewhere new and they want to walk around holding my hand I will walk around with them until they're comfortable, where as dh thinks I should encourage them to go on their own more

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

OP posts:
TellKingTutIWantMyMummy · 29/05/2023 09:42

Sounds like an excuse if you ask me. You sound completely normal!

Arrivederla · 29/05/2023 09:47

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

Ok. He is a selfish, unkind idiot who wants everything to be about him.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/05/2023 09:48

Even before your update I was thinking 'what he can't get over is not being the centre of attention' and then you updated - and there it is in black and white.

This isn't about how you parent, it's about how you partner. He cannot bear to be the centre of your world, it's jealousy, plain and simple. You could potentially explore family therapy together but honestly, I think the writing is on the wall for your relationship.

Project yourself forward 15 years - how do you think your home is going to feel with DH competing for attention with two gobby teenagers? It's not going to be pleasant...

Twiceover · 29/05/2023 09:51

OP, you sound like a normal, caring parent. He sounds childish and controlling.
Having small chdren and full time jobs is tough. It's not surprising if its put a strain on your marriage. But it sounds like he's just blaming you without reason.
If he says he can't forgive you (for parenting your children?), I would be tempted yo say, OK you'd better leave. But I appreciate its not that simple so perhaps you need to work it through in counselling.

Bathintheshed · 29/05/2023 09:52

He sounds awful. I'll be honest reading this my first thought was 'we're all perfect parents until we have DC'. He's never had to be in the thick of it. But yes with your update he sounds awful, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my DC. Shitty husband too.

Peridot1 · 29/05/2023 09:56

Did you post before about him? A recall a post from someone who’s partner was annoyed she was holding a two year olds hand in an unfamiliar place until they got comfortable.

He sounds very cold and uncaring and as if he wants to be the very old style head of the household disciplinarian type husband. Putting an 18 month old in time out is ridiculous. They are still a baby for God’s sake. Moaning about contact naps is horrible too.

I wold be really worried about his plans to correct all the supposed damage you have done. How is he with the older child?

Crumbcatcher · 29/05/2023 09:56

Is he trying to leave? This type of out of proportion ("living nightmare", "can't forgive you") accusation can be a tactic of someone justifying to themselves that the relationship was never any good, all your fault, before walking out.

Xrays · 29/05/2023 10:00

He’s an arsehole. That’s it.

Daylightrob · 29/05/2023 10:00

He sounds needy and jealous to be honest which is not a good trait. Personally I couldn’t be with someone like this. I would find their behaviour intolerable.

CabernetSauvignon · 29/05/2023 10:01

It sounds like massive exaggeration on your partner's part. You could try couple's counselling, but if the reality for him is that it's a "living nightmare" if he doesn't get his own way all the time, that doesn't sound hopeful and maybe you would be better off separating.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:01

He also thinks the children should be more independent, well the 2 year old. So if we are at somewhere new and they want to walk around holding my hand I will walk around with them until they're comfortable, where as dh thinks I should encourage them to go on their own more

A 2 yr old.

He's fucking insane.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:02

Crumbcatcher · 29/05/2023 09:56

Is he trying to leave? This type of out of proportion ("living nightmare", "can't forgive you") accusation can be a tactic of someone justifying to themselves that the relationship was never any good, all your fault, before walking out.

Yeah I wondered that.

Men who want out (with or without an ow set up) often trump up nonsense to justify leaving ... That would never be issues worth leaving over in normal circumstances.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:04

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

Pathetic selfish ridiculous unreasonable man child.

Funny how he's trying to deprive his kids of a childhood.... While acting like a child himself.

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