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Original poster

Dh can't get over something

104 replies

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:16

Dh and I have been together 18 years, married 11, 2 young dc (8 & 2) the years since having children have been tough as we both work full time (I'm office hours and he's shift work including 4 weeks out of 6 on nights so that's an added stress)

When we had first DC I possibly had Post Natal anxiety, I was definitely an anxious parent, and I had some counselling but things like contact naps, wanting to be the one to feed them, and not wanting to leave them overnight we're things I got called up for by dh. I did push dh out a bit, but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

We now have dc2 and I have much better, but dh still thinks I have PPA with dc2. I have tried harder to not have the contact naps when they were a baby, they went into a bed a lot earlier, I have had to leave them overnight a lot more due to work commitments etc, but because I still don't do everything exactly how dh wants (ie if they wake in the night I will go and try and settle them, or they have the tablet a bit too much when I am trying to get housework done or need 10 minutes to sit down after work) he thinks I am still ill

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 29/05/2023 21:52

He has been away all day today at a sporting event and its been me and the children and uts been lovely. No stress, apart from the usual toddler tantrums but I haven't had to watxh what I am doing or saying at all

Imagine that life all the time.

Anyone who thinks you shouldn't hold a 2 year old's hand in public because ... independence is either thick as a plank or an abusive fucker determined to get a dig in no matter what even if it means scraping the bottom of the barrel. Probably both.

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:53

ClementWeatherToday · 29/05/2023 20:36

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

A lot of you have nailed it when you said I am walking around on egg shells and my anxiety is heightened because I am constantly trying to do what he thinks is right. Most days he gives me a daily update on what I did right and wrong according to him, obviously there is usually more in the wrong category than the right

OP, this is alarmingly abusive behaviour. Do you recognise that, that he is abusive?

Yes, this. And vague threatening as well (sorry I’m not a native speaker, I meant he says ‘I’ll undo the damage’ but he’s not telling you how, so just consciously provoking you to worry - if he thinks there’s a specific issue with one child it should be a rational common conversation)

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:54

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:53

Yes, this. And vague threatening as well (sorry I’m not a native speaker, I meant he says ‘I’ll undo the damage’ but he’s not telling you how, so just consciously provoking you to worry - if he thinks there’s a specific issue with one child it should be a rational common conversation)

Show quote history

Actually I just realized he may well have meant damage to himself given how self centered he is… maybe nothing to do with his kids.

piedbeauty · 29/05/2023 22:00

It's a bit fucking ironic that he wants your dc to be more independent when he's the biggest baby of them all!

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

What a wanker!

He would enrage me so much I'd want to just leave him:

aloris · 29/05/2023 22:02

Honestly it sounds like he left most of the hard work of parenting to you but dislikes that you taking care of the kids means that he doesn't get to control how you do it. When you are taking care of children, it's not always possible to drop everything and give dad attention when he comes through the door.

I don't think it's great that he is treating your post-natal anxiety as something he has to forgive you for. That seems a bit bass ackwards IMO.

aloris · 29/05/2023 22:05

Also, 2 year olds are not supposed to be independent. They are supposed to hold your hand in public. If he doesn't understand that then his parenting skills need some remedial help. Not that surprising since he takes so many weekends to go see football or his friends instead of hanging out with wife and kids.

3luckystars · 29/05/2023 22:07

He sounds like a total BABY that doesn’t like the attention being taken away from him.

You sound like every other mother I know.

I’m sure you are a very nurturing person and he got used to that before you had the children and doesn’t like it that they are getting your attention now.

I would have no regrets for the way you have been. He is an adult, they are children.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 22:15

My guess is he's having an affair, to which I say let the OW have him. He's fucking awful. Get rid and move on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2023 22:29

Your first post I thought he was an idiot who was maybe struggling after a hard couple of years.

By your last post, it's looking like he is abusive and that behaviour is now spilling over into his treatment of your children.

Contact napping, holding a 2 year olds hand, going to comfort a baby in the night, are all completely normal. And most importantly don't do any harm whatsoever.

But giving your spouse a list of things they've done wrong and right at the end of the day, is never ok, especially when the things that are 'wrong' are against every parenting advice out there (you will literally not find anything advising a naughty step for an 18 month old). He is trying to harm your children (whether unintentionally or not) and accusing you of undermining him when you try and stop this. Of course you're going to 'undermine' someone harming your children...because his treatment of them WILL harm them.

Walking on eggshells, constant criticism, feeling better when your partner is away....all of these are signs you are in an abusive relationship with a controlling bully who wants to rule everything in his little kingdom. I mean what kind of person accuses their childs mother of not being appreciative enough when they get home because the mother is busy looking after their kids? What kind of person criticises someone for their method, in anything, when they haven't done any of their own research?

Honestly get counselling if you think it will help you through the process but you need to get yourself and your kids away from this man

REignbow · 30/05/2023 01:07

His behaviour is not okay.

Listing his many grievances on how you behave with your children is abusive!

Please call WA, speak to a counsellor and get your ducks in a row.

If you can’t do this for yourself then do this for your DC.

4plusthehound · 30/05/2023 03:36

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:16

Dh and I have been together 18 years, married 11, 2 young dc (8 & 2) the years since having children have been tough as we both work full time (I'm office hours and he's shift work including 4 weeks out of 6 on nights so that's an added stress)

When we had first DC I possibly had Post Natal anxiety, I was definitely an anxious parent, and I had some counselling but things like contact naps, wanting to be the one to feed them, and not wanting to leave them overnight we're things I got called up for by dh. I did push dh out a bit, but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

We now have dc2 and I have much better, but dh still thinks I have PPA with dc2. I have tried harder to not have the contact naps when they were a baby, they went into a bed a lot earlier, I have had to leave them overnight a lot more due to work commitments etc, but because I still don't do everything exactly how dh wants (ie if they wake in the night I will go and try and settle them, or they have the tablet a bit too much when I am trying to get housework done or need 10 minutes to sit down after work) he thinks I am still ill

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

He works nights four weeks out of six? Not easy.

But that means you both did night shift for the past few years as you were home with newborns and toddlers. Did you then share equally the two off?

I am willing to bet that while he got his reward - sports events with the boys, you soldiered on? Bet there were no events with the girls?

More than likely you did most of the "work" with the children but he has now decided that was you "choosing" the children and being nervous.

Giving you a report on your behaviour at the end of each day is so beyond the pale I cannot find the right words.

Sounds to me that you should trust your instinct. Mother the way you see fit.

Sack him!

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/05/2023 04:18

Selfish arse. Stbxh said something like this when the kids were little, a few years ago. I told him if he really felt that way we should split up. He back tracked really quickly, he was just trying to control me. I get the impression here OP that he'd say anything to bully you into doing everything the way he thinks you should and getting himself back into the spotlight. He is completely unreasonable, whatever his faults stbxh would never have suggested letting our 2 year old explore on his own.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/05/2023 04:21

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:01

He also thinks the children should be more independent, well the 2 year old. So if we are at somewhere new and they want to walk around holding my hand I will walk around with them until they're comfortable, where as dh thinks I should encourage them to go on their own more

A 2 yr old.

He's fucking insane.

Missed the quote.
Selfish arse. Stbxh said something like this when the kids were little, a few years ago. I told him if he really felt that way we should split up. He back tracked really quickly, he was just trying to control me. I get the impression here OP that he'd say anything to bully you into doing everything the way he thinks you should and getting himself back into the spotlight. He is completely unreasonable, whatever his faults stbxh would never have suggested letting our 2 year old explore on his own.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/05/2023 04:35

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 18:19

Thank you for all the responses, they truly mean a lot

A lot of you have nailed it when you said I am walking around on egg shells and my anxiety is heightened because I am constantly trying to do what he thinks is right. Most days he gives me a daily update on what I did right and wrong according to him, obviously there is usually more in the wrong category than the right

He has been away all day today at a sporting event and its been me and the children and uts been lovely. No stress, apart from the usual toddler tantrums but I haven't had to watxh what I am doing or saying at all

I have booked an appointment through my work with a counsellor as know I need to take some steps forward

Counselling is a good idea. I hope it helps you find the way forward. My stbxh was away for work last week and it was so nice, the morning after he got back I really noticed the difference. Day before nice calm morning, no fighting, easy school run, morning after he got back everyone was snappy and on edge including the kids. Walking on egg shells eats away at you, so does not being able to parent the way you feel is right and resentment for the lack of support. Then there's the damage it does to your self esteem, the constant mental questioning, wondering if you're doing things right and if he won't like this then how will he react and is he actually right, feeling like he can't be right but not 100% believing yourself. Its so destructive, it harms you so much being in a relationship like this.

Aishah231 · 30/05/2023 07:01

He sounds like a thoroughly selfish abusive man and a shit father. You sound like a great caring Mum whose doing her best. I hope you can start seeing this for what it is OP and stop accepting his warped version of reality. Next time he criticises you push back. Tell him you don't agree and his style of parenting is simply laziness - i.e expecting children to behave exactly how you want without putting any effort in.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 07:31

Most days he gives me a daily update on what I did right and wrong according to him, obviously there is usually more in the wrong category than the right

Sounds like a combo of the "drill sergeant" and the "water torturer" in Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that".

That book - which is primarily about physical abuse but covers all abuse really - mails so many of these abusive types of personalities.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 07:31

*nails

BumpyaDaisyevna · 30/05/2023 12:17

Ah.

The problem is you are married to a boy rather than a man.

Maray1967 · 30/05/2023 13:55

Pallisers · 29/05/2023 21:52

He has been away all day today at a sporting event and its been me and the children and uts been lovely. No stress, apart from the usual toddler tantrums but I haven't had to watxh what I am doing or saying at all

Imagine that life all the time.

Anyone who thinks you shouldn't hold a 2 year old's hand in public because ... independence is either thick as a plank or an abusive fucker determined to get a dig in no matter what even if it means scraping the bottom of the barrel. Probably both.

Exactly. OP, your parenting sounds pretty normal to me. He, however, does not. I appreciate that I am pretty determined and don’t let anyone push me around, and probably on the extreme end of assertiveness, but I don’t think many parents would think what he is advocating is normal.

my advice is to stop treading on eggshells and tell him straight: his parenting ideas are nonsensical and you will continue to parent as you are doing. If he can’t accept that, you’re done.

Original poster
Wellthatwasalogday82 · 03/06/2023 18:57

Haven't been back to update for a while but I appreciate all the messages

Unfortunately things are no better. Daily progress reports have now been replaced with nightly arguments over DH is the better parent and everything I do is wrong. The other night I went to bed before DH, he came up a conversation which turned into him shouting at me and then moaning that I'd kept him up for 2 hours and he was going to be tired for work

Other complaints this week are I sit on the floor and play with the youngest too much.

That youngest will come and find me when I'm doing something in the kitchen and walk past dh

That I don't discipline either of them because I don't scream and shout at them especially not the youngest but also not the eldest either

Was really hoping things would be better but if anything they're worse

OP posts:
HostaLuago · 03/06/2023 19:11

He's abusive.

Are you still having sex with this arsehole ?

Protect your children op, he sounds a nasty individual.

Is there any chance he's playing away, this sounds like constant devaluing to excuse his behaviour.

3luckystars · 03/06/2023 19:36

I’m glad you are seeing what is going on now.

PickledMuffin · 03/06/2023 20:03

He sounds like an abusive controlling arsehole. The sooner you're rid of him the better. sending strength! x

SparklyShark · 03/06/2023 20:56

I really strongly feel your DH is on the wrong here.

The only thing I can understand about any of what he is said is about wanting to feel missed/appreciated - it must be hard working nights so much, but that is where my sympathy ends!

Perhaps I am projecting here but I feel it is awful that you have been made to feel bad about contact naps.

I'll give you an example of my parenting style.

I cosleep with my children - some of the daytime naps we have shared have been some of the most peaceful moments of my life. I do not feel you should be made to feel bad for having those precious moments.

I strongly believe in the 'circle of security' style of parenting. That feeling of security comes from kids knowing you are there. Makes total sense to walk around holding hands until they feel secure, then sit back a bit when they have got their bearings! I think you are quite right to do that.

I also think it is totally inappropriate to put an 18 month old on the naughty step!

I have never been away from my children overnight, apart from leaving the elder to go to hospital to have the younger. My eldest is now 4. I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving kids overnight, but I don't see why you should ever have to if it's not something you want to do!

To me it sounds as if you are a caring parent who is connected with your kids' day to day needs.

I think it's possible that he is jealous, but that is no excuse.

From what you've said it sounds like you are all actually better off when he is not there!

What is said is absolutely awful, and he is also wrong!

TheCheeseTray · 03/06/2023 21:04

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:26

but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

He sounds like he put an awful lot of the burden of childcare onto you.

He had some fucking neck saying he can't forgive you for your behaviour (which doesn't sound abnormal esp given how much of the burden of child see you were left with) ...m it should be the opposite.

This - Id switch it around and say this - how dare he!
find your anger

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