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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't get over something

104 replies

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:16

Dh and I have been together 18 years, married 11, 2 young dc (8 & 2) the years since having children have been tough as we both work full time (I'm office hours and he's shift work including 4 weeks out of 6 on nights so that's an added stress)

When we had first DC I possibly had Post Natal anxiety, I was definitely an anxious parent, and I had some counselling but things like contact naps, wanting to be the one to feed them, and not wanting to leave them overnight we're things I got called up for by dh. I did push dh out a bit, but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

We now have dc2 and I have much better, but dh still thinks I have PPA with dc2. I have tried harder to not have the contact naps when they were a baby, they went into a bed a lot earlier, I have had to leave them overnight a lot more due to work commitments etc, but because I still don't do everything exactly how dh wants (ie if they wake in the night I will go and try and settle them, or they have the tablet a bit too much when I am trying to get housework done or need 10 minutes to sit down after work) he thinks I am still ill

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/05/2023 10:04

TellKingTutIWantMyMummy · 29/05/2023 09:42

Sounds like an excuse if you ask me. You sound completely normal!

That’s what I think too.

Women are wired differently wrt our babies. That has advantages.
It is also ok if your dh encourages more independence- that has an advantage too. It can create a nice balance which is beneficial for children.
Do you have to parent identically?

However- your husband does sound like he’s making excuses. He takes himself off to football most weekends, leaving parenting to you.

I think he is trying to make excuses. Prepare yourself

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 10:05

Ugh. He wants to reduce your children's attachment to you.

Best he leaves now.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:08

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

This all sounds unbelievably hyped up, ridiculous, ott nonsense tbh.

He sounds like a highly highly dramatic, selfish, naval gazing, slightly crazy man child.

You haven't done any damage by the sound of it. He's making out your parenting is bad/not normal when it doesn't actually sound like it. His parenting however ...videos not sound good

Anyway maybe he could have prevented all this "bad" parenting by doing more if it from day 1 instead of leaving you to do what sounds like the lions share/pretty much all of it while he enjoyed socialising and hobbies.

He couldn't, obviously - he sounds like a shit parent (and partner).

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:09

This level of criticising and undermining someone's parenting (whom incidentally you left to do the bulk of it) is, for me, a type of abuse.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:12

He does not sound like a remotely well adjusted person.

So much hyperbole from him.

Such victim hood

About things that don't seem to justify it at all

He sounds very poorly adjusted and like he has a personality disorder.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/05/2023 10:15

He's jealous of the children, and the way they're taking so much of your attention. He doesn't sound as though he's grown up properly himself. Of course the 2 yo shouldn't walk around on his own, and of course you've got to hold his hand. You'd probably be better off without him tbh.

Justchooseone · 29/05/2023 10:15

I was on the fence a bit thinking there’s two sides to every story till you said he doesn’t think you should support (read parent) your sodding two year old in a new place. Nasty Twat. It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything unreasonable re contact naps etc if I take your posts at face value. If you don’t want to leave definitely get counselling and bring all this up in the sessions - maybe another adult telling him he’s unreasonable might help. If it doesn’t though be prepared to leave, you can’t live your life with someone who’s going to punish you for the rest of it (when you haven’t even done anything!)

Feelingsad12 · 29/05/2023 10:17

Sounds like a classic case of when you have a baby you also realised you married one.

FloatingthroughSpace · 29/05/2023 10:18

Sounds like a bad case of main character syndrome.

Does he have siblings himself?

AP5Diva · 29/05/2023 10:22

Im sorry but you sound perfectly normal and he sounds very self-centred and authoritarian. If he truly feels the last 8yrs have been a living nightmare, then he knows where the door is. He should pack his bags and go.

I do think the fundamentally you are incompatible when it comes to parenting as you are not abusive, and he is tending towards the neglect end of the abuse spectrum dressed up as “independence” along with punishments that are so age inappropriate, they are also emotionally abusive.

He’s then trying to convince you that you are overly soft, anxious and undermining him when you are simply protecting your DC from his abusive parenting.

I would document some of this because I don’t think he should have unsupervised contact with the DC.

So, show him the door. You stay on your home with the DC. All he needs to do is pack a bag and walk away and you’ll file for divorce and he can be free of this “nightmare.”

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 10:26

He's awful and it will get worse

He's hardly there and he wants to control you and the children.

Get counselling - for you. You need to stand up to him.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/05/2023 10:27

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

It's him, not you. Tell him to leave if he's that unhappy as he really does need to work on himself so he can stop being so abusive to his own children. You sound completely normal and your PN anxiety was probably caused by him.

lazarusb · 29/05/2023 10:28

You and your children would be happier and more well adjusted in the long term if your relationship ended up now. This isn't about differences in parenting, this is about him being controlling and trying to dictate family life now there are more important people needing your love and attention than him.

EggInANest · 29/05/2023 10:37

Are you saying that if your 2 year old wakes your DH would go to them, but you insist on going yourself?

What do you want? A way to stop your DH controlling your parenting (if that is what he is doing)? A way to make your DH feel included as a parent? A way for you and your DH to communicate and work as a team? Support to separate?

Do you think couples counselling would help you and him discuss all this in a safe space?

Dinopawus · 29/05/2023 10:38

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:09

This level of criticising and undermining someone's parenting (whom incidentally you left to do the bulk of it) is, for me, a type of abuse.

That's my thinking too. I also wonder if he's trying to build a bad mum narrative ahead of separation.

OP it sounds like you are doing a good job and putting your children first. No one is perfect and it's not a requirement for parenthood.

Someone who spends their weekends at football doesn't get to criticise your parenting or how you spend your downtime.

Beelezebub · 29/05/2023 10:38

“Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention” so he’s a childish, petulant twat then. Tell him that, then point to the door and suggest he gets onboard with being a grown up and a parent or he can fuck off.

And mean it.

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 10:44

The 2 year old isn’t grown up and independent enough, and you are undermining him by refusing to use the naughty step and by going to your children when they wake at night?? For your children’s sake tell him to pack a bag and leave and maybe when he pulls his head out of his ass he will make some woman a half decent partner which is a huge step up from the controlling selfish fuckwit youve been living with. Your dc don’t need this man in their daily life telling them to man up and get on with it and cuddles are for newborns and attention is something only full grown men can demand, not little kids. Just wow. Please please please get rid.

ThisWormHasTurned · 29/05/2023 10:47

ohhh I had one of these. Didn’t like me breastfeeding because he felt shut out of the child care. Didn’t like baby led weaning because he thought she was “getting enough”. Didn’t like me talking to my friends on the phone, I gave them too much attention when I should be giving it to him. Resentment grew. In arguments he’d gone on about all the stuff he’d “let go” 🙄 (when exactly if he was bringing it up!).
It went on..it got worse. Eventually there was no affection and only criticism. I couldn’t do it any more. We separated. Best decision I’ve ever made. Just over a year down the line, DD and I are far happier. He’s moved on (in fact moved in with her), he’s still a grumpy sod but he’s moaning to someone else now!
If he’s so “traumatised” I’d suggest counselling but I suspect it won’t make a difference to him. Sounds like he wants to use this as ammunition to punish you. Think very carefully about the future.

AdamRyan · 29/05/2023 10:49

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:09

This level of criticising and undermining someone's parenting (whom incidentally you left to do the bulk of it) is, for me, a type of abuse.

I think this too
He's conditioning you to rely on him for all your decisions. I bet you feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time.
It's very controlling of him in my opinion.

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 10:50

He sounds insane. And utterly self centred. He needs to go, quite frankly.

There is absolutely no coming back from the comments of that every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on nor from the He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done.

Absolutely none. I agree with the PP that I would be documenting this level of abuse because I wouldn't want him having unsupervised contact with the children. And I would certainly be divorcing him. He's unfit to be a husband or a parent. Tell him that he needs to go immediately.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/05/2023 10:56

My ex was similar to this. He’d get really grumpy if he didn’t get an all whistles and bells reception on coming home. He was jealous of our new baby and his entire spoilt brat behaviour disgusted me. Notice I’ve called him my Ex!

GiveupHQ · 29/05/2023 10:59

You don’t seem to like, let alone love him

and the feeling appears to be vice versa

Gettingbysomehow · 29/05/2023 11:02

He sounds like an absolute prick who is jealous of his own children which in my opinion is the worst kind of man.

Flashingtealights · 29/05/2023 11:03

I'm another one who's thinking he setting up the 'I haven't been happy for a long time' backdrop.
Give it a week or two and he'll likely tell you he needs some space. It's so predictable

NoSquirrels · 29/05/2023 11:05

He sounds horrible.

People get jealous of their own children, that they’re no longer the centre of attention. These sorts of people - and it’s usually men - also think they should be the last word in authority and are never interested in a child-centred approach to discipline.

I’m sorry, OP. He’s presumably always been selfish but it wasn’t as obvious before you had children.

He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to reflect, or to help himself. I don’t think it’s your responsibility.

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