Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't get over something

104 replies

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:16

Dh and I have been together 18 years, married 11, 2 young dc (8 & 2) the years since having children have been tough as we both work full time (I'm office hours and he's shift work including 4 weeks out of 6 on nights so that's an added stress)

When we had first DC I possibly had Post Natal anxiety, I was definitely an anxious parent, and I had some counselling but things like contact naps, wanting to be the one to feed them, and not wanting to leave them overnight we're things I got called up for by dh. I did push dh out a bit, but at the same time he was away with work and on shift plus he goes out most weekends for football or to see friends so a lot of time it was me and DC so I just got on did stuff.

We now have dc2 and I have much better, but dh still thinks I have PPA with dc2. I have tried harder to not have the contact naps when they were a baby, they went into a bed a lot earlier, I have had to leave them overnight a lot more due to work commitments etc, but because I still don't do everything exactly how dh wants (ie if they wake in the night I will go and try and settle them, or they have the tablet a bit too much when I am trying to get housework done or need 10 minutes to sit down after work) he thinks I am still ill

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/05/2023 11:07

he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

I don’t know what this means to him, but I wouldn’t want to find out for my children’s sake.

StopStartStop · 29/05/2023 11:08

Last night he basically told me that he can't forgive me for the last 8 years and how I have been. That every argument we have he is always going to hold it against me and he can't move on

Well, that's a very cruel thing to say to someone you intend to spend your life with. In fact, it sounds to me like an opening salvo in The Script, that he's found someone new and wants to move on but thinks he can blame you for it.

Grey rock, marshal those ducks, and see a solicitor. Give nothing away, emotionally, financially or information-wise. And don't blame yourself at all. It's him, not you.

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 11:09

HE is actually undermining YOUR good parenting.
you’re not doing things exactly as he wants?! Since when did he become the lord and master?

LTB. You are your children deserve better.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/05/2023 11:44

He sounds like he hasn't a clue how to parent and wants to shove the dc away instead of drawing them close. It's absolutely perfect to hold a 2 year old hand..what's he thinking? I wonder does he pick up some rejection from the dc as they may not be comfortable with his strict parenting. And instead of dealing with this he blames you.
What kind of family is he from?

Sparkletastic · 29/05/2023 11:51

He's jealous and insecure and he's making it your fault. Any chance that he's got another women in his sights?

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 12:11

Your parenting sounds perfectly normal @Wellthatwasalogday82

Your husband sounds like a childish, self-centred idiot. He's sulking because your world doesn't revolved around him. He thinks you should be grateful? Is he grateful for all you've done?

He's a pretty rubbish husband and father.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 12:28

It is also interesting that he is informing you that you have a mental illness and you are abusing/damaging your children through normal and loving care for them.

I think that this could be an abusive situation and if you look deeper, this might only be the tip of the iceberg with what he does to you.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 29/05/2023 12:35

He's abusing and gaslighting you, OP. And I note that you haven't even said he's a wonderful father and a really lovely person, as many such posts often do. I hope you will read all these responses and take their message to heart. You need to get away from this man and regain your dignity and look forward to a positive future with your children Flowers

honeylulu · 29/05/2023 12:35

Oh dear. Well you've answered your own question. He's jealous that he's not the centre of attention. Seriously, read what you've written. He's jealous that you hold a two year olds hand! He thinks a two year old should be "independent"! How about he practices some independence himself and stops sulking if he doesn't get a full in welcoming committee! Someone is being unreasonable but I don't think it's you. He's telling you he won't change, he only wants you to change (or that even that is too late). Say OK and wave bye bye. Your parenting sounds totally normal.

Franticbutterfly · 29/05/2023 12:46

My mum used to say I would "make a rod for my own back", but I always went with my instincts and I don't regret it. I have a friend who had one child (couldn't have any more) and she tells me how much she regretted not holding her child more because her family told her it wasn't good for him.

Close contact is so important for brain development and co-regulation. Show him the videos by Allan Schore on YouTube, if he sees the science he might understand.

whichwayisup · 29/05/2023 12:51

He sounds like someone who maybe needed a bit more contact as a baby/infant. So if we believe what he says... That he thinks you have Pnd... Why oh why would he go on to tell you that he can't forgive you etc etc. He's a bog standard arsehole.

I wish I'd listened to my instincts but looking back I had got so used to hearing that it was all my fault that I believed him. It wasn't all my fault. Not that I was perfect but I was trying my hardest faults and all. You sound like you are trying your hardest is he?

EdinaCrump · 29/05/2023 12:56

He’s a man-baby and needs to grow the fek up

DelphiniumBlue · 29/05/2023 13:01

Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 09:41

I don't think the last few years have been easy for either of us and I do get he probably feels pushed out he complains I take control of everything and we do disagree on a lot of how to raise the children

For example to discipline the 2 year old he has been putting them on thr step since 18 months old which I strongly disagree with and have made it clear I won't do it. He takes that as me undermining him and not listening to him

He also thinks the children should be more independent, well the 2 year old. So if we are at somewhere new and they want to walk around holding my hand I will walk around with them until they're comfortable, where as dh thinks I should encourage them to go on their own more

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

You know what, I would judge someone not holding the hand of a 2 year old in an unknown public place, in fact I have called strangers out on similar stuff - not holding a 2 year olds hand on a train platform, for example- because 2 year olds are not adults, they don't know what is safe, and it scares me seeing children unsafe, and it is our duty as adults to protect children.
Your DH sounds like he does not understand basic parenting, and he is melodramatic arse.
"Can't forgive you fro the last 8 years" - if he honestly thinks you have a mental health problem, why can he not be supportive rather than blaming you for unavoidable things? This is nonsense, he is making excuses, he wants it to be about him and sounds like he is preparing to leave the marriage anyway. I'd get in and do it first, tbh.

Goldbar · 29/05/2023 13:39

I agree with the posters above suggesting that he is trying to create a narrative - either to justify his emotionally abusive behaviour towards you and the children or to justify him leaving you and them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 14:07

I would set this man free. He has decided that you are responsible for his miserable life. He'll just keep banging on about it forever. Tell him he's free to go a.k.a. throw him in the bin, and let him moan about it to someone else.

Fairislefandango · 29/05/2023 14:14

Wow. OP you have done nothing wrong. He has bullied you into thinking that your attitude to parenting is unreasonable, when in fact his is. And that your perfectly sensible and normal treatment of your small children is down to anxiety. He wants to be centre of attention and he wants you on the back foot so that he feels like the one in control. I'm no expert, but I wonder if your postnatal anxiety was at least partly caused by him and the way he treats you.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/05/2023 15:22

Jesus. Your husband sounds like a horrible, spiteful, attention-seeking cunt.

You’re not the problem. That twat is.

Original poster
Wellthatwasalogday82 · 29/05/2023 18:19

Thank you for all the responses, they truly mean a lot

A lot of you have nailed it when you said I am walking around on egg shells and my anxiety is heightened because I am constantly trying to do what he thinks is right. Most days he gives me a daily update on what I did right and wrong according to him, obviously there is usually more in the wrong category than the right

He has been away all day today at a sporting event and its been me and the children and uts been lovely. No stress, apart from the usual toddler tantrums but I haven't had to watxh what I am doing or saying at all

I have booked an appointment through my work with a counsellor as know I need to take some steps forward

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/05/2023 18:42

You might benefit from looking at some resources on abusive relationships.
Counsellors aren't always as useful for that.
Nobody should be giving you scores on your behaviour each day.
When that used to happen to me, I worked out later I was in an abusive relationship.
Which was, for the most part, why I was anxious.

powerrangers · 29/05/2023 18:49

So he can't forgive you for parenthood.

Pamspeople · 29/05/2023 19:09

He's preparing to leave you and is trying to write the narrative of the break up to make it your fault.

It really, really isn't your fault btw!

ClementWeatherToday · 29/05/2023 20:36

Dh gets upset if he is not centre of attention. So he if comes home from work and I'm doing something or the children are distracted and they don't immediately say hello he will get upset and accuse us of not missing or appreciating him

He said that the last few years have been a living nightmare for him and now he is working on undoing all the damage I have done

A lot of you have nailed it when you said I am walking around on egg shells and my anxiety is heightened because I am constantly trying to do what he thinks is right. Most days he gives me a daily update on what I did right and wrong according to him, obviously there is usually more in the wrong category than the right

OP, this is alarmingly abusive behaviour. Do you recognise that, that he is abusive?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/05/2023 20:51

Book a solicitor, too. Don’t stay with this horrible fucker.

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:46

Dad of the year isn’t he, going out to play at every opportunity for 8 years, leaving you with all parenting duties, while supposedly convinced you’re unreliable…

Can i ask what he thinks of your 8yo, I don’t think you’ve mentioned ? As that would be in a way be more ‘telling’ as to what he thinks of the result of your parenting ? (And would inform your decisions re contact if you were to separate custody.)

Also, I’m unclear on how the jump was made from possible PPA (he clearly has issues with Lo bless them) to the whole last 8 years being a nightmare ?

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:49

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 21:46

Dad of the year isn’t he, going out to play at every opportunity for 8 years, leaving you with all parenting duties, while supposedly convinced you’re unreliable…

Can i ask what he thinks of your 8yo, I don’t think you’ve mentioned ? As that would be in a way be more ‘telling’ as to what he thinks of the result of your parenting ? (And would inform your decisions re contact if you were to separate custody.)

Also, I’m unclear on how the jump was made from possible PPA (he clearly has issues with Lo bless them) to the whole last 8 years being a nightmare ?

As you say this He also thinks the children should be more independent, well the 2 year old so I was wondering about how he is with older DC

Swipe left for the next trending thread