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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online dating - is this ok? Feel awful!!

143 replies

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 28/05/2023 18:49

I had the most wonderful lunch date with a guy I’ve had some coffees with.. he was charming, he cooked, but then he didn’t have time for coffee because he had to go help his grandad…

so I went for a run and saw him arm and arm with his next date. I was like “oh hi, your grandads looking well!” and kept running, but I feel sick.

is this what online dating is? I feel totally like I’ve been punched in the stomach. We aren’t together so it shouldn’t matter…

OP posts:

Original poster

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 14:54

I know.. I am desperate to know what he would have said, but then I don´t think I would be able to stop myself replying... and what is the point!

I am gutted, truly. I don´t want to develop stronger feelings and then feel this way again but even more gutted when he inevitably does it again!

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 29/05/2023 15:21

@Newtothisanddonunderstand You will look back on this and be glad you were strong. When you meet that one where it just flows and you know he’s 100% into you. It really did sound like he was more than a few dates into dating this other woman too if they were walking arm in arm. Hope you find your one x

hugefanofcheese · 29/05/2023 15:50

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 11:42

No, I haven’t replied much, beyond an initial “fuck you!” And then I did say that it hurt to be lied to. I haven’t replied this morning. He wants to meet but I don’t know. I don’t think so. I do feel so sad though. How do people manage not to take this sort of thing personally!!?

Show quote history

How not to take it personally... key is to take a 'fool me once' attitude as you have done when it comes to any behaviour like this that you don't like the look of.

It's not personal to you that he's quite a manipulative guy (initial lie that made him look like a darling, then it being partly your fault for not being keen enough and partly other date's fault for being incapable of taking a 'no'). Anyone can turn out to be a tosspot. However if you don't nip the situation in the bud in terms of ending your involvement then it will become more tailored to you and feel personal and that is harder to bounce back from.

varsitychic · 29/05/2023 15:58

Well done OP! Great message and well done for blocking. You did the right thing. Don't succumb to curiosity. Know that he lied a deceitful lie which wasn't necessary, and anyone who begins a potentially new relationship in a dishonest way is not for you.

FernGully43 · 29/05/2023 17:08

acpk55 · 29/05/2023 09:25

The advice always given on this forum is to multidate, there has been no chat about being exclusive and she has not even initiated a kiss after 6 dates, so no it’s not all on him really now is it ? , the OP could have initiated a kiss or a conversation

the lie about the grandad the is obviously wrong but it would double standards of the highest order to say that it’s fine for women to multidate but not men.

Show quote history

Well that's basically what I said. It was the not being transparent that I picked a bone with. Date multiple people at the beginning, but he honest about it.

ThirstyThursday · 29/05/2023 19:14

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 28/05/2023 19:01

Thank fuck I didn’t offer any “afters” I’d have felt crap about it if I had because I like a bit of emotion and clearly there wasn’t any on his part!

Show quote history

@Newtothisanddonunderstand

no, lucky escape! But hopefully the female he was with would wise up to his antics as well

lying twat!!

Siatanaas · 29/05/2023 20:00

I’ve been online dating on and off for ten years.
Not one guy there has shown sincere feelings for me. They all wanted to just have sex and go back to their lives. Most kept swiping, after more than a few dates (sex included).
online dating gives a false impression that you have a choice, a chance and you matter. When in reality you are not the one but one of many.
I feel it’s like an addiction they swipe again and again hoping that the next one is gonna be perfect and better than the previous one.
I know how it feels and feel sorry that you had that happen to you. But unfortunately you have to be really lucky to find someone decent, who’s actually open to find a relationship not just screw you over.

LBFseBrom · 29/05/2023 23:35

If you have been online dating on and off for ten years, you obviously have a habit if not exactly an addiction. If you find it that hopeless, why keep doing it? There surely is no need, you meet people at work, on journeys to and from work, when out and about and sooner or later there's bound to be a little mutual attraction.

I can imagine there is something exciting about online dating, meeting the unknown and if they don't suit you need not see them again, unlike getting together with somebody who you do bump into regularly.

If you are looking for a long term, committed relationship - a partner - it's best to set out what you want from the start and choose dates with the same aim. There are plenty of men and women who want to settle down with someone. However its likely you will meet a few people before finding the right one.

Katieandthekids · 30/05/2023 19:54

That comment is amazing 🤣 he shouldn't have lied. He should have said he had plans with someone else. You should Feel proud!

But yea unfortunately online dating is quite brutal in this way.

Original poster

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 07/06/2023 14:48

So.... I'm the mug who unblocked and went back for more.

And of course he has lied again and I have blocked again but this time I have the feelings I caught to deal with.

Why do they do it all so cowardly... and hide behind the word "friend" urgh.

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/06/2023 14:51

@Newtothisanddonunderstand oh no, what happened?

Original poster

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 07/06/2023 15:31

well, we had a couple of lovely times together in town and at his house where he made me feel special, a very hot not-quite-sex as no condoms, but it felt electric, and the most recent one on sunday felt a bit off, and I have been sensing a shift in his messaging since then. We were going to meet today from 5-midnight, and he cancelled at 3 because he had "a meeting."

I have been reading a bit and it seems I have anxious attachment, so have been super careful not to read too much into his change in messaging style, but in fact, I was right and should have trusted my gut!

What really hurts is that he couldn't even be arsed to text back! He text to say "i cant make it, I have a meeting." I replied "Can I call you (to break up with him at least voice=voice), he replied "no I'm at work" so I replied "ok, well, I am sorry but I can't do this anymore, I'm worth more than this. I'm sad because I had a good time with you, but I can sense a change."

And he has just ignored it. It hurts! It is my first go on OLD so maybe I broke an unwritten rule, but please be kind, I am smarting.

OP posts:

viques · 07/06/2023 15:37

Just block him again, you know this is what you need to do. He doesn’t care about your feelings at all, you are only going to feel more upset the longer you let it go on.

he is a great big sticking plaster, grit your teeth and pull him off in one go (just realised that sounds very very wrong, sorry! );

Original poster

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 07/06/2023 16:24

I have… I’ve blocked him without getting any blue ticks, but I’ve seen he’s been online so he’s probably read them on his Apple Watch, I’ve also deleted his number and the back up screenshot I have of his number, and unfollowed him on instagram.

ouch ouch ouch though. 😥he had so many pretty words about never wanting to hurt me or lose my friendship. Wanker!!

OP posts:

viques · 07/06/2023 16:28

Well done you. First steps are the tricky ones.

Original poster

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 07/06/2023 18:22

its been 4 hours and I’m feeling much better! I made a shit list which helped! AND John finnemore replied to one of my tweets, he is my favourite person!!

OP posts:

FiddleLeaf · 07/06/2023 21:50

Good for you OP. Honestly he’s nothing to you really so exploring the anxious attachment issue is the best gift you could give yourself.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 17/07/2023 13:06

I've just come over from your other thread about ick inducing yacht man. You sound bloody brilliant, I was in stiches reading your comment ref the grandad.

Ditch yacht man. You're too good for him.

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