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Original poster

Online dating - is this ok? Feel awful!!

143 replies

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 28/05/2023 18:49

I had the most wonderful lunch date with a guy I’ve had some coffees with.. he was charming, he cooked, but then he didn’t have time for coffee because he had to go help his grandad…

so I went for a run and saw him arm and arm with his next date. I was like “oh hi, your grandads looking well!” and kept running, but I feel sick.

is this what online dating is? I feel totally like I’ve been punched in the stomach. We aren’t together so it shouldn’t matter…

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 29/05/2023 09:45

ShandaLear · 29/05/2023 09:12

In OLD you cast your net wide and you cast it out quickly. He shouldn’t have lied but at this stage you should both be seeing lots of other people so I don’t think him seeing other person is wrong. TBF, he’s done well to hang in for 6 dates with no kiss. I would assume I’d been friend zoned by that stage. You have no reason to assume you’re exclusive until you’ve had ‘the chat’.

If some people are happy to have their date rushed and be tossed aside on date 6 then fair do’s to them.

I would agree with you if it was only date 1,2 or 3 but this was date 6 so by date 6 I’d be assuming it was going somewhere. The exclusivity talk hasn’t happened, however, if he wasn’t stringing op along and leading her to believe he was a sweet, kind natured gentleman who was really keen on her then he wouldn’t have needed to lie about the grandad! He knew himself he has lead her to believe there was more to it than there really was, otherwise he would have admitted ages ago that he was still dating around.

The fact he lied about why he needed to end the date says it all really, I wouldn’t dare someone who wanted the date to be over as quickly as possible so he could meet the next one. Well not on date 6 anyway.

Mumofnarnia · 29/05/2023 09:46

*date not dare

aflix · 29/05/2023 10:05

First date with her? He speaks, he lies.

Original poster
Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 10:13

I was wavering, THIS is what I needed to hear, thank you!!!!

Actually, thinking about it, he told me from when we arranged it he had to leave by 4 to meet his grandad. I don’t know whether that’s better (he didn’t hate my company so much he fabricated an exit!) or worse because it wasn’t a panic lie but a well thought out one..

I’m confused that arm in arm is date 10 material but shagging should be done before date 6!? I’m really quite shy… and this is my first online date man post separation and I have no confidence. (I have an inbox FULL of penises on muscular types but this guy was sweet and balding so I thought he was the diamond in the rough… 😩) And such a good cook…

Argh! Cold shower then delete delete I guess!!!

OP posts:
nevynevster · 29/05/2023 10:38

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 10:13

I was wavering, THIS is what I needed to hear, thank you!!!!

Actually, thinking about it, he told me from when we arranged it he had to leave by 4 to meet his grandad. I don’t know whether that’s better (he didn’t hate my company so much he fabricated an exit!) or worse because it wasn’t a panic lie but a well thought out one..

I’m confused that arm in arm is date 10 material but shagging should be done before date 6!? I’m really quite shy… and this is my first online date man post separation and I have no confidence. (I have an inbox FULL of penises on muscular types but this guy was sweet and balding so I thought he was the diamond in the rough… 😩) And such a good cook…

Argh! Cold shower then delete delete I guess!!!

Sorry but sadly the online dating world is full of people playing the game and juggling lots of potential dates. It's just a numbers game and everyone seems to do that.
I found it very hard as I'd rather just see how it goes with one person before trying to date others but that's not what people seem to do.

So I suggest you chalk up to experience. Don't assume anyone is "mono dating" and just try again. I know it can be hard but you have to keep on going. It does work! Good people exist!

Imeldatryagain · 29/05/2023 10:59

Oh my, you handled this utterly perfectly! This is the kind of response I'd wake up at 3am with, wishing I'd said! Well done OP.

For me, it's not the fact that he lied so much as that he found it so easy to lie, if that makes sense. Presumably there was some premeditation in this as he must have factored in that your date might run late and if it did, how was he going to bring it to a close to move on to the next one. I'd stay well clear of anyone who finds lying easy!

Well done though. 😊

Shapemyeyebrows · 29/05/2023 11:02

@Newtothisanddonunderstand have you asked him if he still intends to date around if you have a date 7?

Mirrormythinking · 29/05/2023 11:15

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Delete and don't look back.

BlondeFool · 29/05/2023 11:16

Mirrormythinking · 29/05/2023 11:15

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Delete and don't look back.

This

Mumofnarnia · 29/05/2023 11:41

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 10:13

I was wavering, THIS is what I needed to hear, thank you!!!!

Actually, thinking about it, he told me from when we arranged it he had to leave by 4 to meet his grandad. I don’t know whether that’s better (he didn’t hate my company so much he fabricated an exit!) or worse because it wasn’t a panic lie but a well thought out one..

I’m confused that arm in arm is date 10 material but shagging should be done before date 6!? I’m really quite shy… and this is my first online date man post separation and I have no confidence. (I have an inbox FULL of penises on muscular types but this guy was sweet and balding so I thought he was the diamond in the rough… 😩) And such a good cook…

Argh! Cold shower then delete delete I guess!!!

You would be doing the right thing by deleting him. If you gave him another chance, all you would be doing is letting him get away with treating you as an option and basically giving him permission to do it again.
I would also make it clear to him that you prefer men who can treat you with a bit more respect and that you’re nobody’s ‘option’.

Original poster
Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 11:42

Shapemyeyebrows · 29/05/2023 11:02

@Newtothisanddonunderstand have you asked him if he still intends to date around if you have a date 7?

No, I haven’t replied much, beyond an initial “fuck you!” And then I did say that it hurt to be lied to. I haven’t replied this morning. He wants to meet but I don’t know. I don’t think so. I do feel so sad though. How do people manage not to take this sort of thing personally!!?

OP posts:
C1N1C · 29/05/2023 11:43

So you're upset that a guy you're not dating, is dating...

pippinsleftleg · 29/05/2023 11:44

And of course this is all your fault - he didn’t know if you like him so had to get another date - your fault for, not his.

Now imagine what he’ll be like when you don’t show him enough attention when you are busy with the kids you have together…

Fantastic line to him by the way - you are my hero!

samestyle · 29/05/2023 12:01

If it's a relationship you want, he's not your guy, some people are in the multi dating mindset, where they just enjoy the company and attention rather than building a real connection. Even if you haven't had the exclusivity chat, the early days are when you start getting to know them and building trust that it could turn into a relationship.
Also it does seem he's trying to gaslight you into thinking it's your fault for not being interested enough, if that was the case you would date him 6 times and if he was interested enough he wouldn't be in a rush to date straight after you.

Also don't settle for a man you think is safe by him having a balding head, cheats and liars come in all different guises, go for someone you really fancy enough to want to snog their face off and that you can build trust him. I honestly think you'll regret it with him.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/05/2023 12:15

C1N1C · 29/05/2023 11:43

So you're upset that a guy you're not dating, is dating...

No, she's upset that he wheeled out a bullshit lie designed to make him seem like a nice guy helping out his dear old Grandad, when 'sorry, I have to get away by 3pm today' would have done the job just as well.

acpk55 · 29/05/2023 12:32

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/05/2023 12:15

No, she's upset that he wheeled out a bullshit lie designed to make him seem like a nice guy helping out his dear old Grandad, when 'sorry, I have to get away by 3pm today' would have done the job just as well.

Show quote history

100% this, he should have just said he had other plans etc not the grandad bullshit

but saying that OP seems really passive, no kiss after 6 dates, the guy was probably looking for someone who is going show a bit more interest, maybe put more effort in,

not sure what being balding has to do with anything though

ButterflyOil · 29/05/2023 12:38

Why would he have thought you weren’t interested though - how many dates had you been on at that point? I don’t think you need to be exclusive from date one but the casual lying would really put me off.

MidgeHardcastle · 29/05/2023 13:06

Has he admitted the granddad part was a lie? I mean he left at 4, he could have seen granddad and then met the woman later when you saw them at 7. This sounds ok to me.

MidgeHardcastle · 29/05/2023 13:08

Ah, ok. Just seen that he admitted it was a lie.

Indoorcatmum · 29/05/2023 13:09

It's the lie...

If he doesn't have the courage to look you in the eye and be honest about what he's doing, then that's a red flag.

He didn't have to specific, he could say "I have plans with a friend". But to panic and lie is a big deal. People who do that have a pattern of doing it to avoid potentially awkward or stressful conversations and it becomes a big issue in relationships.

Life is awkward and stressful, you need to be able to trust someone and not them bullshitting off the top of their head.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/05/2023 13:42

Don't be daft, OP, you can't see him again. Everything he's told you was a lie. He's still lying now!

What about joining a running group? There's a much better chance of you meeting someone nice there.

varsitychic · 29/05/2023 14:00

Please don't devalue yourself by seeing this man again OP.

Original poster
Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 14:17

C1N1C · 29/05/2023 11:43

So you're upset that a guy you're not dating, is dating...

Not at all! But that he made up such a convoluted lie designed to make him look sweet and lovely and to me like him more in order to cover up his second date.

im not so naive I don’t expect men to only see one person before “the conversation,” we aren’t together. I personally wouldn’t but more because I’d struggle to find the time! I’m talking to more people online but was only meeting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisanddonunderstand · 29/05/2023 14:21

I’ve replied and said:

”it’s okay, don’t sweat about it too much! You should have told me it was another date, or if you were worried about lying to me just cancelled ours. I’ve had fun with you but it can’t go anywhere else for me, I really value honesty and trust. I wish you well and thank you for lunch.”

i have also blocked without waiting for a reply, I wanted to stay classy and also not get drawn into more apologetic dialogue!

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 29/05/2023 14:33

@Newtothisanddonunderstand That’s a really good message. I probably wouldn’t have blocked just because sometimes that can drive you more mad wondering if and what he replied. But I think you have handled the whole thing really well. Like you say, trust and honesty is important and at 6 dates in he knew himself he shouldn’t be doing back to back dates with someone else which is why he lied about it. I wouldn’t give up online dating, like someone said above you have a great story to tell to the next one which will also make your boundaries clear to them. I think around date 6 is where you might message others but wouldn’t be dating others if you were really into someone and wanted to see where it was going. I also wonder why he hadn’t tried to kiss you by now?