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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum died and my bf sodded off to a festival

208 replies

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 16:54

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 16:58

I think it was ok for him to go. It would have been nice to have had his support, but he already had made plans. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.

Patchworksack · 28/05/2023 17:02

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’d be disappointed in the BF but maybe he is taking ‘light’ to mean low emotional commitment. He texted you, he offered to call and you said no - so he’s giving you space. I think it’s not a time to make any big decisions if he’s normally a decent guy. It sounds like you have necessarily kept your lives quite separate because of your caring commitment.

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 17:02

What do you think?

What I think is that I'd rather be single. Forever if needs be, than be with a man like that.

WimpoleHat · 28/05/2023 17:03

Well - he’s not a life partner who’s really concerned about your well-being, is he? Casual boyfriend material at best.

GoodChat · 28/05/2023 17:05

Id end the relationship over this. He's supposed to give a shit.

I'm so sorry about your lovely mom Flowers

holliebo · 28/05/2023 17:09

So sorry to hear about your mum OP.

Id be expecting a lot more but it depends on how casual the relationship is. I certainly wouldn't be doing that after 7 months....

TenseTessa · 28/05/2023 17:10

I think here it's about the gesture as much as anything. He didn't even offer, I wonder if he had what you might have said ?

That said 7months is nothing in relationship terms.

Depends how much you like him and whether this will bother you etc.

TenseTessa · 28/05/2023 17:11

Ps I'm sorry for your loss too

Haywirecity · 28/05/2023 17:12

I can understand your disappointment but, in practical terms, what would he have done if he'd stayed? He never met you mum so he's no personal stories about her. He could maybe have made you food and drink but is that really what you'd want? You're not wrong in thinking how you do, but at the same time I can see why he's gone. You had your sister and you have your daughter. Can a couple of days away honouring a commitment he's made to others really have made that much difference your grieving process? And as you say its not that serious a relationship.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/05/2023 17:13

I am so sorry you lost your lovely mum. 💐

I think your boyfriend sees it is quite a casual relationship. I'd carry on seeing him on that basis, but I wouldn't expect anything more.

Mumdiva99 · 28/05/2023 17:14

Firstly I'm so sorry that you lost your Darling Mother. This must be the toughest thing ever to go through. Please lean on your friends. I'm sure they will support you. (I would for my friends).

As for the man, don't make any quick decisions. This is not the time to do it. It sounds like you have a light relationship - he hasn't even met your mum. Leave all that be for now. Don't worry about it. You can sort it later on.

littleburn · 28/05/2023 17:15

I'm so sorry for your loss OP FlowersFlowersFlowers

You describe the relationship as serious and loving (on your side at least), but time light because of your circumstances, which isn't that unusual when you're older and dating with kids in any case. Either way, 7 months is 7 months. It's not like you just met a couple of weeks ago.

I think he should have offered to not go to the festival so he could support you. I think you may have said go anyway, but that gesture of care towards you would have meant a lot. I also think he should be messaging regularly and often to check in with you. Because he should care that you're ok and he should not want to look like (be!) the kind of guy who's more focused on having fun than caring that his grieving partner is ok.

My advice is to take your energy and focus it on you and your daughter and getting through this sad time. He's very much a background noise right now. Grieve your mum and love your daughter.

Puppers · 28/05/2023 17:19

This would be fine from a FWB or someone you are casually dating. But you have described your relationship as "committed and serious", and pissing off to a festival when you're going through possibly the worst time of your life is enormously falling short of what I'd expect from a partner like that.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. It’s good to hear that you have great girlfriends around you. I’d lean on them and knock the “relationship” on the head.

Zarataralara · 28/05/2023 17:23

I’m so sorry for your loss. The immediate aftermath of a bereavement can be brutal so please look after yourself.
Drink plenty of fluids, even if you don’t feel like eating. I made myself ill through dehydration.
Lean on your friends, let them help you, support you. Talk about your mum with people who knew her and loved her.
The boyfriend — disappointing. But there’s a period after all the paperwork is done and the funeral is over where you will need his support, maybe he’ll come through then. If he doesn’t then he’s not worth bothering with.
Your ex —- at least he can’t get to you or your dd. You’re doing the right thing, don’t engage and pass the messages to the police.
Wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will be ok in time, it will get better.

Violasaremyfavourite · 28/05/2023 17:27

You poor thing. I don't think your boyfriend sounds very kind. I think I would be having second thoughts about this relationship.

rwalker · 28/05/2023 17:30

I might be on my own with this I’d want them to go
whilst the initial support and comfort would be nice
id feel guilty they’d missed it because of I’d obviously have no time for them
and just be doing whatever I needed to do

Iwantamarshmallowman · 28/05/2023 17:30

He's a selfish twat. I'd dump him using his own words.. 'im sorry about that ..I feel bad about it but I feel you have to go'

RoseJam · 28/05/2023 17:33

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, when you are grieving the loss of a loved one, people around you tend to show their true colours. I would focus on you and your lovely daughter and what you need right now as you'll be busy with funeral arrangements, your mum's estate etc.

I would probably hold off on a decision about your BF. Whilst I don't think he really did anything wrong going to the festival, he should be doing more to check in on you and offer you more support and comfort. Listen to your gut instinct and how he behaves in the next coming weeks will be very telling.

ThirstyThursday · 28/05/2023 17:37

I'm so sorry about your mum. Knowing it was going to happen doesn't make it any less brutal. Just try to focus on how lucky you've been to have such a good relationship with her & try to remember the good times.

hopefully your cunt if an ex will just stay out of the country. It's scary & very draining though.

your BF, I'd be finished with him. He felt 'he had to go' to the festival. I'd tell him he was right, he did have to go, but permanently.

The fact he didn't want to be there for you to Jean in days everything really. Even my FWB has more care & consideration than that and he's not exactly mr new age!

get rid & focus on your daughter & lean on your friends!!

take care
xx

Mammyloveswine · 28/05/2023 17:37

I think he's a selfish immature prick who should've been there for you..,

However I do wonder if he's never experienced loss and had no idea of how to react/respond to you..

My heart breaks for you. I lost my mam very suddenly just after Christmas. It is visceral the grief and shock.. Im sending you lots of love and please pm me if you want to talk. 💕

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 17:41

It's only been 'light' because it's not been able to progress due to the responsibilities I've had. But we're partners. He's my BF. We're not just shagging. We tell each other everything and speak/text several times a day, buy each other gifts etc. I thought it was a real relationship. Maybe I was wrong.

Anyway, I've got to focus on my daughter. My sister left yesterday, so yes, I think I would have liked him around last night or today. I've been with friends. He's asked if I want to see him tomorrow. I was just expecting more from him and I feel like, yes, perhaps this is more casual for him. I was hoping not.

I suppose when we have seen each other, it's been very 'fun'. Because we don't live together. It's been eating out and going on trips etc. Maybe he can't cope with this sudden change of me being an emotional wreck and my ex rearing his ugly head to cause issues when he's left me alone for 14 months. Maybe he didn't know he was getting into this.

OP posts:
Blahblablahblahblah · 28/05/2023 17:42

Im sorry for your loss.
Festivals happen every year.
When people show you who they are, listen….
Its up to you if you want the dramatic instant ending or not. Either way he has shown you his priorities. From your post I sense you are a caring and thoughtful person, I sense your response would have been different and thats what you deserve from a partner.

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 17:45

I am so sorry OP.

That sounds so hard and devastating.

Your mum was a wonderful mother and support for you.

I think he sounds very disconnected and inexperienced with the devastation of real grief.

I think if he stayed and missed it you might have felt a bit guilty too.

I wouldn't dump him.

See how things go for you and see how he behaves going forward.

You say it is quite light, but he is nice.

See how things go.

Perhaps no knowing your mum at all, he may think there are people closer to you whom would be a better support to you.

Datafan55 · 28/05/2023 17:49

So you normally speak/text several times a day, but in this situation, not for 24hrs? - hmmm, not good.

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 17:49

I'm wondering if it's even a cultural thing. I'm English. He's French. I just don't know.

Or if I'd rather be thinking about him because it's better than thinking that I won't see my mum again. I'm in this house on my own with my DD and that's never been the case. Can I do this on my own?

And I'm panicking about money. My mum didn't have much, but her little pension went into the pot because we all lived together.

My mum looked after my DD when I had a lot of work. We were all together. We looked after each other.

But she's not suffering now. I know that. And on Wednesday, we shared a lot of stuff and said a lot of things and she understood everything. But it's still a shock. She fought so hard and went through so much and it's not fair. I'm very angry about it all.

OP posts:
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