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Original poster

My mum died and my bf sodded off to a festival

208 replies

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 16:54

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
cooldarkroom · 28/05/2023 18:28

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 17:49

I'm wondering if it's even a cultural thing. I'm English. He's French. I just don't know.

Or if I'd rather be thinking about him because it's better than thinking that I won't see my mum again. I'm in this house on my own with my DD and that's never been the case. Can I do this on my own?

And I'm panicking about money. My mum didn't have much, but her little pension went into the pot because we all lived together.

My mum looked after my DD when I had a lot of work. We were all together. We looked after each other.

But she's not suffering now. I know that. And on Wednesday, we shared a lot of stuff and said a lot of things and she understood everything. But it's still a shock. She fought so hard and went through so much and it's not fair. I'm very angry about it all.

Sorry, read no further than he's French.
I've lived with a Frenchman fir 35 years.
In my experience, across a massuve board.... they will always put themselves first....This is what you get. Selfishness.
(This may be an gasping sweeping generality, but I believe it)

TeaYarn · 28/05/2023 18:29

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

ChrisPPancake · 28/05/2023 18:29

You say he didn't ask you in 24 hours how you were feeling. I'm pretty sure he'd know that the answer was "shit, my mum just died".
It's probably because he's never met your mum that he can distance himself/give you space. If he'd had some form of relationship with her himself he may have reacted differently. But if you didn't want him to go you should have said.

I'm sorry about your mum Flowers

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 28/05/2023 18:30

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be reeling and still in shock. Try to remember to eat and drink regularly to keep your strength up.

I think your boyfriend’s been enjoying a no strings relationship whilst you thought it was more than that.

Focus on what you need to do to get through the days for now, and don’t rush into any decisions about anything important as grief can sometimes cloud your judgement. However, I really don’t think there’s any coming back from the way he’s pissed off when you clearly need his support and physical presence.

However, ignore me as I’m probably projecting as I discovered my DP had been enjoying an affair all the time my mum was dying and I found out about it shortly after she died, when he decided to confess. God knows why he thought that was a good idea? I was operating on auto pilot for months afterwards.

FacebookFun · 28/05/2023 18:30

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

FacebookFun · 28/05/2023 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Beaverbridge · 28/05/2023 18:33

So so sorry for the loss of your mum. She sounded like a wonderful caring lady. As for boyfriend as such, just no. He should have offered at least to stay for emotional support.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/05/2023 18:33

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 16:54

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

So sorry about your mum xxxx
If you're wondering whether to bin him or not, this early on I think he might not know what you need (although I think he should have asked) if you want him to be with you and support you I'd ask exactly that 'I'm feeling so sad and I would love to have you here keeping me company and cuddling me this week' - if he doesn't do that when you've asked directly then he's not good enough xx

Iamnotalemming · 28/05/2023 18:34

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think you're entitled to be upset with your bf. He is not a serious person if he thinks this is OK. But please concentrate on yourself and DD right now.

PS there are some really supportive threads over on the bereavement board if you want to chat more about your lovely mum.

tiggergoesbounce · 28/05/2023 18:35

I think it's hard to decide without knowing the relationship.

7 months is not long at all for a relationship.
Does he know your Daughter well ?

He maybe thinking he doesn't want to intrude on your families grief when you haven't been together very long. He may be thinking he doesn't want to intrude on your time with your sister (before she went back home) and doesn't want to intrude on the time you will need with your daughter to help support her through this.
He has offered a phone call and to meet up tomorrow. Im not sure he has done much wrong, to be honest

Have you told him you want him with you?

I lost my DM, who was my very best friend. we spoke once a day at least and saw eachother 3/4 times a week. My thoughts are with you at this truly horrible time, it is heartbreaking, I hope your DD is ok as well as this must be devastating for her also, you will need eachother more than ever Flowers

BigglyBee · 28/05/2023 18:36

He isn't the one for you, chuck him back.

Freefall212 · 28/05/2023 18:36

It sounds like your sister was with you when he went away. Given he hadn't met your mother and your sister and daughter who it appears are very close to both you and your mother were with you - I am not sure what you would expect him to stay and do. For him to be at your house with the 3 of you would seem inappropriate in a lot of ways since the three of you are grieving someone he never met.

I am not clear on what you wanted him to do in the immediate aftermath of your mother's death while you grieved with your daughter and sister beside you.

continentallentil · 28/05/2023 18:37

I am so sorry for your loss. You will find a way through but give yourself time.

I think it was OK for him to go. Firstly he might have felt he had an obligation to whoever he was going with, and secondly because you didn’t ask him not to. Everyone is different - I have lost both my parents and a sibling, and I wouldn’t automatically have a problem with my partner buggering off to a festival, I might very well have welcomed the peace. If I hadn’t wanted him to do it, I’d have said so.

I do also think it’s fair enough you are disappointed, if things were likely to progress from boyfriend to partner you’d have expected him to have checked in properly, and have showed interest in what your arrangements were if there was some reason he had to go.

Focus your energy on you and your daughter for now. It’s fine to express your disappointment to him, but it might trigger a conversation on where your relationship is headed. If you’d rather have him around for company perhaps put it on ice till the dusk has settled and discuss it then.

Mikimoto · 28/05/2023 18:37

Maybe he's thinking that, seeing as you never introduced him to your mother, even though he's your "boyfriend", you prefer to keep close family stuff separate from him, and he's giving you the space to do that.

BigShoutyRaven · 28/05/2023 18:38

Sorry about your mum. This guy is not a keeper. You are not on the same page. No one "needs" to go to a festival, especially if their serious girlfriend's mother has just died. They just don't.

GoodChat · 28/05/2023 18:38

Freefall212 · 28/05/2023 18:36

It sounds like your sister was with you when he went away. Given he hadn't met your mother and your sister and daughter who it appears are very close to both you and your mother were with you - I am not sure what you would expect him to stay and do. For him to be at your house with the 3 of you would seem inappropriate in a lot of ways since the three of you are grieving someone he never met.

I am not clear on what you wanted him to do in the immediate aftermath of your mother's death while you grieved with your daughter and sister beside you.

Maybe just say "do you want me to be with you?"

Not mention his weekend plans, not say 'I'm sorry your mother and best friend died but I'm going away with my friends so I'll see you next week'.

kitsuneghost · 28/05/2023 18:38

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Freefall212 · 28/05/2023 18:38

Would your daughter and sister really have wnated him ther eon the day your mom died and day after? Although you may have wanted him in your home for support, are you sure it would have been what they wanted as well?

Personally if my mom died, the last person I would want hanging about right there woud be my sister's 7 month casual boyfriend who had never met my mother

Hillrunning · 28/05/2023 18:39

I don't know, I think his response seems a good level of supportive given the situation. If he never met your mother maybe he doesn't feel it would be appropriate to physically be there in the first few days. Does this mean he also hasn't met your friends or been to your house? He may have felt like he was intruding to be there and meet new people in thoes circumstances.

I think the very first few days into bereavement are a very private time and he may have felt that you would be well looked after by friends and family. I would see how he steps up when he is back and in the slightly longer term. That would be more telling for me.

I am so sorry about your mother, even expected deaths are horrific.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/05/2023 18:39

Sorry for your loss. You may be right that you're focusing on this as a distraction perhaps. Your sister was with you yesterday, you're with friends and he's there for you tomorrow if you want him then. There will be many, many times in the coming weeks/months/years when he may be there for you, so to focus on this moment may be less significant than if you, say, have the conversation with him about needing a bit more emotional support from now on and see how that pans out. I think the fact he never met your mum and is younger, without serious commitments or any grief of his own yet, explains why he's reacted in this way, and now it's more about how he is or isn't there for you going forward. It sounds like he's been what you needed up until now, but whether that will change and whether this weekend was a bellweather or just bad timing will be clear soon enough.

drpet49 · 28/05/2023 18:40

Freefall212 · 28/05/2023 18:36

It sounds like your sister was with you when he went away. Given he hadn't met your mother and your sister and daughter who it appears are very close to both you and your mother were with you - I am not sure what you would expect him to stay and do. For him to be at your house with the 3 of you would seem inappropriate in a lot of ways since the three of you are grieving someone he never met.

I am not clear on what you wanted him to do in the immediate aftermath of your mother's death while you grieved with your daughter and sister beside you.

This. He hadn’t even met your mother.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 28/05/2023 18:41

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oh boo hoo to you.

her mother died on Friday. I think that trumps being dismissive of some band her boyfriend is in to.

Poppyblush · 28/05/2023 18:41

I’d rather be single

FrostyFifi · 28/05/2023 18:42

Oh well if they aren't huge festivals of bands you know MUST mean they crap.
That is so damn rude and dismissive of something your boyfriend is into.

OP has just nursed her mother through a year's cancer battle and lost her and THIS is what you say? What is actually wrong with you?

NotaCoolMum · 28/05/2023 18:43

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 16:58

I think it was ok for him to go. It would have been nice to have had his support, but he already had made plans. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.

you can’t be serious?! Her MUM died and her BF fucked off to a festival and you think this is remotely okay?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

op I’m so so sorry for your loss xx

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