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Original poster

My mum died and my bf sodded off to a festival

208 replies

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 16:54

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 28/05/2023 21:39

So sorry for your loss. I would forget about this man and focus on yourself. My DH had a serious family emergency after our first date, and I offered to cancel my plans to give practical help. That's what decent people do imo.

Bubblyb00b · 28/05/2023 21:45

Dear OP, I'm so sorry about your Mum, big hug xxxx

Please don't worry about your boyfriend for now; do whatever you feel like doing - accept whatever help and support he has to offer, or tell him you don't want to see him for now - its entirely up to you.

You have been together for 7 months, so you still have a lot to learn about each other. See how it goes. But I would have felt the same. Doesn't matter what culture you are in, I'm sure if it was HIS mum you would have been with him if he needed you.

Please take care of yourself and your DD.

DaysAndDays · 28/05/2023 21:51

Im so sorry to hear about your Mum.

I'm on the fence with this issue though. If I was him I would thought you would want to be with family. Is there a reason you couldn't go with your sister or that she couldn't stay with you? Maybe the fact she left gave the impression that it would also be ok if he left? Did some of your friends meet your Mother? Maybe he assumed that they would be more of a comfort to you than he could be?

I think he should have asked if you needed anything or wanted him to stay around but maybe he didn't ask because he knew he wanted to go to the festival. Does he go with friends?

StarbucksSmarterSister · 28/05/2023 21:54

I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go

He's a twat. His nationality is irrelevant, as is the fact he never met her. Dump him because he obviously doesn't care much about you, no matter what you thought the relationship was.

I'm very sorry about your mum.

YukoandHiro · 28/05/2023 21:57

I'm torn here. It's a scummy thing to do, but you've only been together 7 months and haven't been able to spend huge amounts of time together in that time because of your caring commitments. You've kept the relationship "light" as a result.

I think the festival isn't necessarily a deal breaker, though I understand you're upset. But watch what happens next v closely. Is he leaning in to support you and be with you more now you can do so (post funeral)? Or is he still wanting to keep things v light?

starfishmummy · 28/05/2023 22:10

I'm sorry for your loss.

But this is a guy you've known for a few months and he had never met your Mum so I don't think he was unreasonable to stick to his plans.

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 22:14

Maybe the fact she left gave the impression that it would also be ok if he left?

It'd be the opposite to a normal human, surely? They would think their bereaved girlfriend doesn't have as many family members around, so they should stay local to be there for her.

Thisweeksname · 28/05/2023 22:17

I would bin him off, how thoughtless and cruel to abandon someone in their house or of need and then rub it in by posting pictures all over social media! You can do better OP. I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

Thisweeksname · 28/05/2023 22:18

*hour of need

C1N1C · 28/05/2023 22:25

You only see him two days a week. So, I guess three questions:

1- Did you need him there on THAT day?
2- Would you want to be seeing him more than two days a week now that mum has died?
3- if tha answer to the above questions is no, then no offense, what difference is one day?

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 22:32

@C1N1C Hello man. Smile

It's not whether she would have previously have seen him or not, the principle of the thing, that he will up and leave when OP is going through this.

pollpp · 28/05/2023 22:37

I am so sorry about the loss of your lovely mum Flowers

What a wanker. I'd end the relationship over this. I wouldn't dream of going to a festival in such circumstances.

pollpp · 28/05/2023 22:37

Iwantamarshmallowman · 28/05/2023 17:30

He's a selfish twat. I'd dump him using his own words.. 'im sorry about that ..I feel bad about it but I feel you have to go'

This!

Floralys2 · 28/05/2023 22:38

He's shown you where you sit on his list of priorities

tattygrl · 28/05/2023 22:55

This would be a line in the sand for me. No matter how light the relationship was, it was still a relationship, and forgetting how much commitment you'd made to each other at this point, how could he care so little?! To not even offer to be with you? This would be it for me. Over.

BackAgainstWall · 28/05/2023 22:57

At the very least, he should have offered to stay with you, and let you make the decision.

He’s either selfish, ignorant or both.

So sorry to hear about your very sad loss 💐💐💐

Givemes · 28/05/2023 23:05

I think he can go. The relationship is fairly new.
However, showing the pics knowingly you would have seen them on his social media indicated that he is utterly, utterly indecent and selfish due to lack of considerations for the supposedly important ones in his life. This speaks more about his character rather than your relationship per-se.

theresastormcoming · 28/05/2023 23:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Johnisafckface · 28/05/2023 23:23

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 17:02

What do you think?

What I think is that I'd rather be single. Forever if needs be, than be with a man like that.

This.

I couldn’t imagine prioritizing an event over being supportive to my DP of 7 months.

TedMullins · 28/05/2023 23:32

I’ve just put this to my bf of 2 years. We spend about 4 nights a week together and are moving in together later this year - so, serious. I’m going to a festival in summer. I asked him what he’d expect me to do if his mum died days before I was due to go, and he said ask him how he felt about me going, but providing he felt he could cope, wouldn’t expect me not to go. I feel the same in reverse too. I don’t think it means this guy is totally thoughtless but people just have different expectations.

Lollypop6 · 28/05/2023 23:36

Is he running because it’s stressful and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Maybe he thinks it’s not a serious relationship. If he cared he would have asked you if you needed him. I hope your ok.

NotanotherboxofFrogs · 28/05/2023 23:52

If he can only be there for you for the good times, it is not worth it. You need someone who is there for the good and the bad.

Id end the relationship and I have in similar times. Im sorry for the loss of your mum. Flowers

My mum died on a Tuesday afternoon and was buried on the Friday (Irish funerals are usually quick) It was expected after a short illness during which I sat up most nights. I was a walking zombie due to stress and lack of sleep.

He rang me that Tuesday night so see if I fancied coming around to his "for a shag" as id been "neglecting him" during her final 6 weeks while I sat with her, surprisingly I didn't. He then planned to come to the wake on the Wednesday, then the Thursday (more excuses were sent) and Friday, he had planned to go shopping with one of his friends at the local shopping centre. They had met several times.

He rang on Saturday and was pissed off that he hadn't seen me all week. I told him it was over and hung up. He rang me many times a day for the next 6 months to unanswered calls.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 28/05/2023 23:53

@Yellowfleur so sorry about your mum. My mum died very unexpectedly last year week before Xmas. I had been seeing my DP for 8 months. He dropped everything and drove me 6 hours to be with my family. Stayed with me and supported - amazing. Then …

I had to come home and go back down for Xmas. He was supposed to be spending Xmas with me and my family. He decided to go abroad to his brothers as in his words my family needed to grieve in peace and couldn’t do that with him there.

I was upset but understood. That 4 day holiday for him was a piss up with him telling me he was drunk horny most days whilst I grieved my mum. He then decided to still go to a new years dance event without me as he said I wouldn’t he in the mood.

We nearly split up. He said he did t know my mum and I asked for space. So he gave me it. Selfish idiot.

Mmhmmn · 29/05/2023 00:09

Blahblablahblahblah · 28/05/2023 17:42

Im sorry for your loss.
Festivals happen every year.
When people show you who they are, listen….
Its up to you if you want the dramatic instant ending or not. Either way he has shown you his priorities. From your post I sense you are a caring and thoughtful person, I sense your response would have been different and thats what you deserve from a partner.

This

LadyJ2023 · 29/05/2023 00:42

I would hardly calm 7 months and a visit maybe twice a week much of a relationship. I'm sorry your going through a very rough time but in this kindof thing I wouldn't have expected much.

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