My mum died and my bf sodded off to a festival

[Yellowfleur]

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

and in English?

I can’t get over the posters making excuses for this guy. There is so much stuff that happens after a death—or is it just women who know that and are supposed to do that work? Paperwork. Obits. Cleaning. Cooking. Caretaking. Driving people around. Arranging the funeral. I wouldn’t leave a friend alone fir all that let alone a lover.

Not making excuses, just not overreacting. She had her family and friends with her and he's back today. Most of the things on your list aren't in the immediate aftermath so he may well be around for some of that, if she wants him to be. Don't think this is necessarily a women vs men thing or that it's helpful to get angry about that aspect.

So rude. It’s easy enough to tell what the comment says. Not everyone is brilliant at writing and some people - shock horror - don’t speak English as their first language. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be discouraged from posting.

It was a seven month relationship in which you didn’t see each other very much. You say he is inexperienced with grief, but also maybe he does not think he should be intruding and assumes this is a time for you to be with family, other people that knew your mum.

When my mum died my husband was on a course and I didn’t even want him to return from that, it was an expensive course overseas and I was with my father and siblings, he didn’t need to be there. I think you are expecting too much from a casual recent boyfriend.

You think a boyfriend that she has seen once a week for seven months should be involved to this extent? 😳. His sex has nothing to do with it, that he is not part of the family has quite a lot to do with it.

So, he's back from the festival - which was about 20 km away. And as he arrived home, he saw that his cat had been killed on the road. So, now I'm comforting him. I gave him that cat. I gave him two. I run a cat rescue, so it's what I do. So, I'm sad about the cat. Of course. But it's not quite the same thing, is it? One of my cats also died last week and whereas I should have been beside myself, I just buried him and then sort of forgot about it a bit because my mum had been moved to a hospice.
I said I'd like to see him today. I'm not going to ask again though, so if he doesn't invite me over or make plans in the next hour or so, I'll just leave it. My DD is going to a carnival with a friend. I think I'll go with them. I'm not in a carnival mood, but the funeral is organised, the wake, the death certificate and all the admin. I have the eulogy to write. Maybe I'll just go with DD. It'll stop me being worried about her while she's gone. I'll write the eulogy tonight. Or I'll stay here and do it while she's at the carnival. I don't know. I just don't know. I want to ask my mum what she thinks.

Indeed and I actually wouldn't want someone around who couldnt share memories with me. I would want someone who understood my loss properly but I guess everyone is different

I wasn't expecting him to drop everything and come to my house and be with me and my daughter. But I wasn't expecting him to go on a 48-hour piss-up either and post pictures of it online and not bother contacting me. I was expecting him to maybe stay around or make firm plans for today. To have us over - my daughter and I have been over to his for dinner before - maybe just for a cup of tea or something. Just hold me for ten minutes. I've been on my own in the house with DD. We went to friends on Saturday night for dinner and slept over. We had a picnic with friends yesterday. And a carnival with other friends today. I've had lots of messages from friends. I don't have a big family. Just my sister, BIL, and their kids. Two friends are organising the food and drink for after the funeral. I feel supported. My sister and I did everything we needed to do at the funeral home on Friday. It all happens quickly here in France. I know we're loved and cared for. I know that. But, I do feel let down by him. Maybe he's just not capable. Maybe I need someone who can be a bit more of a rock. And I've got fun-boy. Fun-boy was a good idea a few months ago, but maybe not what I really need. He has moments where he hints at plans for the future. That I'm what makes him happy. That he'll build a playhouse in his garden for my DD. That kind of thing. It could be all talk. We've talked about maybe having a business together. He wanted me to buy the house next door to him at some point. We've not just been shagging. I'll see how it pans out.

Another guy who I know through my animal work and doesn't know I have a boyfriend asked if he could take me out for dinner sometime a couple of weeks ago. I just sort of avoided answering him. He didn't know my mum was ill. He is divorced with two kids. He's an acquaintance really. He has sent me lots of supportive messages over the weekend as he saw on social media that my mum had passed and said I'm welcome to join him and his kids on the beach today and to shout him if I need anything. That's the sort of thing I was expecting from my BF.
Anyway... I just need to get through the next few weeks. Every hour or so I have to move all the emails from my ex into a special folder so I can show the police. He has bipolar and is clearly having some sort of crisis. I don't want him to find out about my mum and turn up at the funeral. I know it's not his fault he's ill but I need him to keep away from me.
What a life. I need to focus on my DD and get my career back on track. I was actually quite a successful professional before all this. I can get back there again.

@Yellowfleur everything you just described in what you would have wanted as a response is completely reasonable, it's just being a loving adult.
To be honest op, you sound like you have your head really screwed on and sound emotionally literate and reasonable - don't doubt yourself, your mum had clearly done an awesome job raising you and I'm sure you're doing just the same for your DD.... Does he deserve to be your significant other... I'm doubtful of that.

I certainly wouldn't be going into business with him based on his actions here, his priorities are too skewed to be a good romantic+business partner.

@PimpMyFridge Yeah, I won't be going into business with him. He's a carpenter and I'm a translator. So, nope. I think it's because I painted a dresser with chalk paint and he got all excited thinking we could do something along those lines. But... I translate and edit books. And I think there's more stability in that than chalk painting dressers. Actually, with AI advancing rapidly, there's maybe not much stability in translating and editing books, but I'll get back on track with my career. I was a teacher in a previous life, so I could always go back to that now. I have a lot to think about. I just want my mum back and so I think worrying about boyfriends and work and painting the kitchen and sorting out the garden and saving kittens is where my brain is going rather than accepting that she's gone.

So sorry for your loss Op. it will take time. And this is such an emotional time. I would be disappointed too. His behaviour seems thoughtless at best and at worst selfish. The icing on the cake is hom posting the photos on sm of him having a great time! Tactless.
How old is he? How old are you? What is his relationship history like?

I'm so sorry for your loss . You have to prioritise looking after yourself and your daughter .
Whilst 7 months is perhaps not long enough to think in terms of life partners , it is still long enough to have formed a connection and to show some care and thought to each other .

I don't think your BF has shown himself in a great light and has prioritised his own wishes over any thought for you .

I think the fact that he was able to post on social media whilst not contacting you is very hurtful . Grief is very difficult and I know from experience that some ( although not all ) men, don't know how to handle it and won't do anything to help if you don't spell it out . The somewhat meaningless - let me know if you need anything - when the person suffering grief isn't in a position to think clearly .

You have gone through one of the toughest life events that you will experience and it could be argued that as he hasn't experienced anything similar and didn't know your Mum - your expectations might be a bit lower of him . However if you are comforting him for the loss of a cat - I think you need to consider how supportive he will be of you emotionally going forward .

Your grief sadly won't just end after the funeral and birthdays , anniversaries and Christmas will be tough . If he isn't able to provide you any much needed support then unless you don't want a casual fun relationship - he is perhaps not the right person for you .
Take care

Sorry should read in my post - that unless you want rather than unless you don't want ....

You are doing an amazing job handling the aftermath but grief will come in waves—I don’t think you can unsee what you have seen with lovely fuck boy. Thats all to the good, really. Its why we date—to find out whether a fair weather lover is good for the long haul. He may be a lovely, engaging, person but he is not able to be there for you when the going gets tough. You were not unreasonable to have wanted more. But its not his style to be depended in that way.

Sorry for your loss

It is very early days

Over time you will go through lots of different emotions

Sometimes people do not know what to say, or how to help you.

Some of the people who you thought would support you, will not

Some of the people who you thought would not support, will help you

Things take time

You have a boyfriend and someone else asked you out and you didn't say no or tell them you were in a relationship. That is a clear sign this relationship was already over for you way before this issue arose.

Just end it and move on. You clearly aren't into him, you are keeping the door open for other men, and he didn't meet your expectations for how to support you. Seems like you used him as a distraction while your mom was sick and now that she is gone, you are ready to move on.

@Freefall212 It wasn't really like that to be fair. I can be a bit awkward, so I didn't really know what to say to this man and we had our kids with us. It wasn't that I was trying to hide my boyfriend or anything. I know him through my charity work, but I don't know him well. I kind of just laughed it off and was a bit vague with him. I was just using him as an example of what I think people should maybe be like. I don't even know why I mentioned him to be honest. He's no big deal at all. I think I was just blabbering. I don't feel like moving on, which is why I was/am so upset. I thought I was in good place with my BF.

I messaged him to tell me that I felt a little abandoned and that I felt he was perhaps distancing himself because he didn't know how to handle what was happening to me. He replied to say that yes, he doesn't know how to deal with the situation and that he thought about me a lot over the weekend and felt a bit guilty for partying knowing that I was on my own and that he didn't have much network coverage where he was. He then went on about the cat and sent me a picture of the cat's grave. It's almost as if the cat dying has saved him from having a deeper conversation about it. Anyway, I've got it off my chest. I also said I felt as though in the future, I'd be hoping he had my back a bit more, even if that just meant checking it with me. I said I needed to feel like I was more of a priority. So, we'll see where that goes. I'll leave it now because I need to focus on other things like the funeral and a new/different life with my DD and how to manage things on my own from now on. I need to start with learning how to budget because I've been doing those "little daily shops" for months now and they cost a fortune! I need to meal plan. And manage things a bit better.

So sad about your mum, it's such a massive, life changing event. Don't underestimate the effect it will have on you, I'm sure you are seeing and feeling it already.
Do get rid of him, he's clearly a selfish fuckwit. No one decent leaves a person grieving their mum for a festival. Well maybe an immature 15 year old. He's shown you where his priorities lie.
Good luck with the eulogy and the funeral. You'll do the right thing
(Oh and I made the bouquet /flower thing for my dad's funeral. Much nicer than the shop bought stuff. Not for everyone but helped me a bit )

I don't think it's cultural in this instance.

As you say, your relationship has been quite light so far....however, if you were better suited, I think you probably would have been on the same page on this. He's basically declared how seriously he takes your relationship by going away like this.

He sent a pic of his cat’s grave to a person who has just lost their mother?

OP you are dating an imbecile. Does he have a golden dick or something?

The guy you barely knew showed more sensitivity over your mum’s death than this guy.

Also, sorry for your loss OP .

The mother lived with the OP. So in that sense- how often did they meet and where? Being fully committed in a relationship you would expect him to have met her Mother who was living with her unless she always just went over to his?

And I agree- it isn't about being best friends with the mother- but how did they avoid each other? If she hadn't even introduced them- (even as a hi/bye) then how can it be what she describes as serious and not just casual?