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Original poster

My mum died and my bf sodded off to a festival

208 replies

Yellowfleur · 28/05/2023 16:54

My head is all fuzzy. My mum died on Friday following a year-long struggle with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine how to go on. I had my sister with me, but she had to go home to her own family. The funeral will be at the end of next week.

Maybe I'm fixating on this issue because it stops me from thinking about my mum. She lived with me. I'm a single mother and she helped me raise my DD. We were the best team ever. A little trio of women who got on so well. We were each other's world. The last year of chemo, sickness, surgeries, and then end-of-life care has been just so so painful.

In the last few weeks, I've also had massive issues with an ex. I've had to press charges, but he's now skipped the country. I'm scared of him. I'm getting nothing but emails, messages, and voicemails from him. Thousands of words, hours of voice recordings. I'm scanning them for threats and keeping the police informed, but they can't do much. They have the papers to section him, but he's not in the country now. It's a nightmare.

So, my current relationship is only 7 months old. I met him and he knew about my mum and that I was caring for her. Our relationship has been committed and serious and loving, but also quite 'light' because I haven't been able to give him much time. We see each other once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the situation with Mum and finding a babysitter, etc for DD.

We all knew she was going to die. And when she did, on Friday, I told him and he said all the right words. But then he said, "Oh, I have tickets for a festival this weekend. I'm sorry about that. I feel bad about it, but I feel as though I need to go". And off he went. He then texted me a couple of times to check in on me. But nothing between yesterday morning and this morning. He left me for 24 hours and didn't ask how I was.

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting because my emotions are all over the place. But I feel disappointed. My female friends have all been great. I know that he's not particularly good with words. And he's never been through anything like this before. I've explained what's been going on with my ex. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no, as I don't think it would help. He asked if I wanted to see him tomorrow. He's not been an out-and-our arsehole... but I was kind of expecting more from him. On social media, he's been posting photos of the festival, and it looks like he's been having a bloody good time.

He never met my mother if that has anything to do with it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Chispazo · 28/05/2023 20:04

I'd end it. He chose to go to a concert instead of doing the right thing. He mightn't have been human if he hadn't wished the concert was a different weekend but honestly, when he had an opportunity to show you he'd be there for you, he chose to show you he would not be there for you. It'd change things for me.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/05/2023 20:05

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 16:58

I think it was ok for him to go. It would have been nice to have had his support, but he already had made plans. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.

The boyfriend has already ended tbe relationship by his priorities. Less of a mother surely trumps tickets for a festival .

i am sorry for your loss

Myusername4321 · 28/05/2023 20:11

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mam 2 months ago and the pain really is something else.

I'm not sure how I would feel about this with the relationship only a casual one. However, I suspect you're relationship with this man will probably fade out in the coming months, as the grief for your Mam will make even solid relationships testing while you begin to heal. I'm guessing you won't get the empathy, practical help or understanding from him, which in turn I think you will resent.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy it's just like you said he doesn't understand and your relationship isn't serious...

Don't make any big decisions about the realtionship just yet. You may find him a welcome distraction at times. Just do what feels right for you.

I truly am sorry for your loss, my Mam was poorly for a long time and we were very close too. Time is a healer , I'm now starting to get to the point where I can think about her and smile. In the dark first months I thought I was loosing my mind with grief. keep taking to people around you and try to do what ever helps you get through this very hard time. Xx

Hearti · 28/05/2023 20:11

I think you should just get through June and in July think about if you want to continue the relationship or not. There’s no need to make a rushed decision

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 20:11

I'm wondering if it's even a cultural thing. I'm English. He's French

No @Yellowfleur , as I said earlier in the thread, I had a bloke do similar and later reveal he was just using me for sex, that's why he felt he could go off to a festival when his girlfriend was ill in hospital, because he didn't see me as a girlfriend at all.

If your lover has serious feelings for you, even if it is relatively early days, he would've stayed and supported you to show his intentions and the depth of his feelings for you, IMHO.

LBFseBrom · 28/05/2023 20:16

Haywirecity · 28/05/2023 17:12

I can understand your disappointment but, in practical terms, what would he have done if he'd stayed? He never met you mum so he's no personal stories about her. He could maybe have made you food and drink but is that really what you'd want? You're not wrong in thinking how you do, but at the same time I can see why he's gone. You had your sister and you have your daughter. Can a couple of days away honouring a commitment he's made to others really have made that much difference your grieving process? And as you say its not that serious a relationship.

I agree.

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 28/05/2023 20:17

Ask yourself what would you do if his mother died and you had tickets for an event. Would you stay with him and comfort him? Would you ask him what he would like from you? Or would you go away for the weekend?

Chicaontour · 28/05/2023 20:23

Wow the bar some people set is lower than a snakes belly. When someone dies you want your loved ones around you. Your boyfriend is showing that he is a very selfish person and not a keeper. I appreciate the Irish idea of death is grieving is different than a lot if cultures but I am shocked at this.

bunnypenny · 28/05/2023 20:23

@Yellowfleur im so sorry for your loss.

only you can know if this is forgivable, but I agree with the posters who have said not to make a knee jerk decision now.

To put it into perspective, i had been with my then-bf for 7.5months when my Dad died. I had a call on the Thursday to go back to Scotland, and my bf paid for and arranged my flight for that night. He flew up to join me on the Saturday night after work (he’d just started a new job 4weeks earlier that involved a lot of training) and stayed with me, sleeping in a chair in the hospital, till my dad died in the early hours of the Monday morning. Over the next month while I was in Scotland, he flew up and down several times from London in between his shifts to visit and support me and my family, attended the funeral and generally helped out. I knew he was a keeper.

kethuphouse · 28/05/2023 20:26

You’re not overreacting but at least you now know he is not long term relationship material. So sorry for your painful loss of your mum.

BungleandGeorge · 28/05/2023 20:28

I’m sorry about your mum

it sounds like quite a casual relationship if he hadn’t met your mum, even more so if you lived with her. Your sister was with you when he left and he’s probably back tomorrow? I don’t think it’s so awful that he went as it sounds like a new and not that serious yet relationship and what can he do at this point. I totally accept that people have different needs following death, in some families it’s the norm to carry on as normal and in others not

Dishwashersaurous · 28/05/2023 20:30

So sorry for your loss.

I think this is telling you that this is not a meaningful relationship. It's not going to be a source of emotional support.

So you can decide whether you want something which is light and fun

Or whether you want a proper relationship, which is not what this will be

LBFseBrom · 28/05/2023 20:30

I am sorry about your mum, op, but you can't expect too much of a boyfriend of a few months who never even met her.

Opaque11 · 28/05/2023 20:32

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 17:02

What do you think?

What I think is that I'd rather be single. Forever if needs be, than be with a man like that.

This, he has set the bar so low of what to expect from him. So sorry about your loss op. Dump him.

Aslanplustwo · 28/05/2023 20:33

rwalker · 28/05/2023 17:30

I might be on my own with this I’d want them to go
whilst the initial support and comfort would be nice
id feel guilty they’d missed it because of I’d obviously have no time for them
and just be doing whatever I needed to do

I agree with this. You've already said your relationship is "light" because you couldn't give him much time, which is understandable, and it sounds as though he has given you support, but for some reason you think he should drop everything to comfort you constantly.

I do think the UK has an unusual culture around death in that many of you seem to think life should stop because you are grieving, even for those who aren't directly involved.

I am sorry for your loss.

aboutbloodytime123 · 28/05/2023 20:39

My dad suddenly died a few weeks into a new relationship and my then BF asked to come to his funeral, to support me. He had not yet met my family or friends. I wasn't expecting him to do anything - in fact I suggested to him that we should probably split up because I was consumed with grief and didn't know when or even if I would ever feel "better" - but he said he wanted to be with me, and he stayed. We ended up married! Years later we split for different reasons but I will never forget how kind he was during that horrific time.
I would not have thought any less of him if he'd done nothing - it really wasn't anything to do with him at that time - but the fact that he chose to support me blew me away.
And I think that's probably where you are - you didn't expect much from him but it would have meant a great deal.

Sleepytimebear · 28/05/2023 20:40

I had a very similar thing happen to me with my now ex husband. Honestly I didn't have the headspace at the time to deal with it but I should have. I felt completely let down. It showed me who he was, and that he didn't care about me and my feelings and my pain. He only cared about himself. I felt completely alone when I was dealing with my grief as a result and just soldiered on. If I had my time again I would have called it a day.

Apolli · 28/05/2023 20:40

He's just not that into you. He's showed you quite clearly where his priorities lie and it's not you. I wouldn't be surprised if you're relationship isn't quite as exclusive as you think it is. I'd let this one go OP.

Duckingella · 28/05/2023 20:41

Dump him;concentrate on yourself and your daughter;when your ready and in a better place jump back into the dating pool;there's someone out there better suited to you.

I'm very sorry about your mum,wishing you well.

littleburn · 28/05/2023 20:47

bloodywhitecat · 28/05/2023 18:55

I don't understand what impact the fact that he's never met her mum has in the situation, surely it is the OP that the boyfriend should be supporting through these early days? Why does he need to have met her mum to do that? It's her mum, not her great aunt Glenda from across the other side of the world.

Completely agree. His girlfriend needs support at a terrible time. Whether or not he met the person who died is irrelevant and not the issue.

Also, posters suggesting that being in a relationship with someone you 'only' see once or twice a week over 7 months is nothing/casual. That's often the reality when you're dating and have kids and other responsibilities. It's not like the first time around in your 20s, when you're responsibility-free and can spend every moment together.

Namechange666 · 28/05/2023 20:52

Firstly I am so so sorry for your loss.

As for your boyfriend, I don't think I could forgive that tbh. I'm not expecting anyone to have my feelings but even if he's a light boyfriend or whatever, I'd drop festival plans like a hot brick if my boyfriend's or partner's mum died. I just couldn't live with myself. And it would just show me that I couldn't rely on this person. I don't think is the man for you.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your ex and all this on top of your loss. It must be so difficult. Is there some charity that can help give you support. Is moving an option? You have my full sympathies.

mfms · 28/05/2023 20:59

I'd end it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2023 21:14

I’m sorry you lost your mum 💐

He's only met your daughter twice, it wouldn’t have been okay for him to stay over. Especially not if he hasn’t before. She must be in bits, there’s a lot going on it your lives that’s difficult, complicated and traumatic. You sound well supported by your sister and friends, lean on them and be with your daughter.

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 21:20

I agree that it's completely irrelevant that he hadn't met the mum.

He could still have stayed to be supportive to his partner/future partner. Any decent bloke would, at least if they were serious in their intentions and feelings towards their bereaved girlfriend.

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 21:24

He needn't have moved in, just been in the area to be there for OP.

I feel as though I need to go

What this means @Yellowfleur is that he's a fair weather friend/boyfriend. You having lost a loved one is spoiling his buzz so he needs a break from it.

Or at best, he's prioritizing him wanting to have fun and chill out over being supportive to you.