DH downloads porn, but hardy ever has sex with me

[pornhabit]

I'm at my wits end here.

Me and DH have the most perfect marriage in every way, except for this problem.

I have an average sex drive, and would like to have sex a few times a week.

DH says he has low sex drive. We have sex about once every 2 months, usually because I've had a moan about lack of intimacy. He has ED. I cannot remember the last time he came, it must be over a year ago.

However, he is downloading a lot of porn behind my back!

We were looking to book a holiday last week, only using my laptop, and I suggested getting his laptop out, so that we had a laptop each. He was very reluctant, but did so, and then as soon as we finished, his lap top was closed and put away (mine is out and open, all of the time). I asked him if he was watching porn again (we've been here before). He said no.

Anyway, last night, when he was at work, he had left his laptop in his games room, logged in, so I had a look, and sure enough, there is loads and loads of downloaded porn. I don't think I'd care, if he was intimate with me, but he isn't, so the fact that he's downloading files of other women really, really hurts.

I am at my wits end. I went ballistic when he got in and we've had a talk this morning, which has resulted in him crying and promising to change, quit porn and be intimate with me. Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo, but surely if that was the case, you'd watch a few clips, realise it wasn't working, and then stop - but he has loads of the stuff. He is not masturbating when he watches it, because he's in the next room, and I could walk in at any moment.

I'm just so disappointed. He is 50. I'm 53. We have our whole retirement planned out. A lovely house, no money worries. He's my best friend. We have wonderful holidays together, always have a great laugh together.

But this feels like a betrayal.

Or am I overreacting?

I don’t think you’re over reacting . How do you know for sure he’s not using it to actually get off to? He could just be aware you’re not gonna walk in. It seems unusual to watch it just to get ‘fired up’. If that’s true why doesn’t he watch it and then be intimate with you?
it is very hurtful for you to know he has to look at other women to get ‘fired up’. Has he tried to get treatment for his ED? There are loads of brilliant tabs available now. Surely one would suit him!

If your DH genuinely has erectile dysfunction, he needs an urgent health check from his GP, as it can be an early warning sign for coronary artery disease, peripheral vascular problems and stroke.
I also think you need to present your DH with a list of options:

1. He gets the ED treated and resumes a normal sex life with you
2. He continues in status quo and you take a lover
3. You divorce him.

He’s a liar. And of course he’ll promise to change, but what he’ll actually do is make sure you can’t get on his laptop in future.

Shivvy120 I know he isn't masterbating in the next room, as I often do just pop in there and he wouldn't have time to pull trousers up etc. He won't even do that in the bedroom, when I have suggested it. He could easily close a tab in time though. No idea why he doesn't get fired up and then come and find me. He obviously does not want to. He has taken viagra for the ED, which works okay. The problem is that he never really wants to have sex. So why is he watching porn??

Babdoc

1. I wish he would do this, but he simply doesn't. Or it gets better for a while and then slips back to nothing.
2. I don't want sex with anyone else
3. Yes, quite.

I am now living a celibate lifestyle, for someone who is looking at pics and videos of women that aren't me. I'm not bad for 53. But can't compete with perfect porn bodies, obviously.

The only silver lining is that it is "appropriate" porn, ie. MILF rather than anything wild or worrying.

Which is what he was trying to do this time. I knew he was hiding something, when the laptop got taken away quick sharp. I told him this morning that this marriage isn't a prison, he can walk away at any time, and watch porn to his hearts delight, but he doesn't want that. I suspect he likes his home comforts too much. Nice house with the wife at home who does most of the grunt work. I can't help wondering whether I'm hideous. I'm about 2 stone overweight, but certainly still scrub up okay.

I would not turn it on myself abd say it's about u and ur weight. Is it possible he watches porn because he gets the titillation but there is no expectancy for him to have to do anything? I have been in a mismatched relationship re sex drive and it wore me down. I felt like a sex pest. He could go months without it.

It’s not you. But you get to decide how you live your life.

Same! I think if I never mentioned sex again, neither would he. And he's been like this for years.

I don't want anyone else. He's my best friend. I was just about resigning myself to no more sex (very begrudgingly), but to find out that he is watching other women behind my back, kind of makes me want to punch his face!!

DustyLee123 Tbh, at our age, I doubt I'd bag myself a red hot lover now. But someone who might want sex with me once a week would be a bonus. 15 years is a lot to throw away.

I have mixed feelings about this. Generally I hate the whole porn thing from a point of being degrading to women / women being exploited etc but - in relation to actual relationships and wanting actual sex with another person I think it’s a really complex thing. I found out my dh was looking at some pics online a few weeks back and initially I was quite upset about it but actually now I’m at the point where I literally couldn’t care less, I just don’t want to know about it. We don’t have much of a sex life, he’s got mental health issues, I’ve got physical disabilities which mean I’m exhausted a lot of the time and we are very close emotionally and really love each other but we just can’t be bothered to have sex a lot of the time - we can go months without it. We’ve been married 15 years. I think actually being physical with someone else requires a lot of physical effort, a certain amount of stamina and fitness. Neither of us can really be bothered with all that, we’re quite happy to cuddle etc but I go off to bed and he sits there and looks at pics and masturbates and I really don’t care. Having a wank takes very little physical effort or expectation compared to actually being intimate with someone else. I wonder if your dh feels like this? The difference though is that you do want more, you’re not happy with your sex life and that needs addressing. It’s difficult if he doesn’t feel that way though.

My dh has ed possibly due to his heart condition / medication and we have had sex twice this year . I know he masturbates quite frequently although he denies this ( weirdly ) and it upsets me enough to feel ' less of a woman ' .
However I don't think he uses porn ( wanks in bathroom , doesn't take his phone in there ).

Xrays Sorry to hear this. For our situation though, your final paragraph hits the nail on the head. I do want a sex life. His lack of effort with me, means that I have been shoe horned into a celibate lifestyle which I never asked for. And in the meantime, he's downloading movies of other women. It's a slap in the face.

MayBeee Presumably he gets an erection in order to wank? And if that's the case, why doesn't he use that with you?

Either he changes, or you accept nothing will change and you either stay with it as that, or you leave

💐 I really understand. It’s a very difficult situation to be in.

@pornhabit
yes actually 😥

Porn distorts the view of what sex should be like. I swear my ex had ED because his porn addled brain couldn't get an erection for a normal looking woman wanting to do normal sort of sex. We had other problems though so wasn't with trying to fix in the end. In your situation where everything else is good I would have a frank conversation. What does he like about the porn? Can you bring some of that into your sex life without you feeling/being degraded? Can he see how porn may actually be harmful for his sex life with you? Was sex good at the start? Would scheduling a regular date night help? Try to woo each other again? Couples counselling?

Ultimately though you would be within your rights to leave if that's what you want and need others to give you the ok so you can feel sure in your decision.

this would annoy me too. I dated someone who watched a lot of porn but we had a lot of sex so it didn’t bother me. In your situation yes I’d feel the same. Has he had any effort to fix the ED?

Firstly is his ED caused by a physical or psychological issue? that is an important point to consider but continual porn watching can indeed cause severe erectile problems. plus of course, distorting his view of women and a healthy sex life. it is possible to get past this I speak from the experience of my DH but he needs to be agreeable to first see his GP for a referral to a sex therapist plus it might be a good idea to seek marriage guidance too. good luck

I was in a relationship with a man much the same as your husband OP. The fact is he was too lazy to have sex. He didn’t care enough to make the effort, even though he knew how badly it was affecting me and my mental health.

He was, in every other way, the perfect partner. We were best friends, he supported me, we laughed together, went away, enjoyed the same interests and were very much in love.

Ultimately it led to the break up of our relationship. I was sick of feeling so low about myself. Checking his internet history, his lying about watching porn.

You are a similar age to me, don’t waste your life. Yes 15 years is a lot to give up on, but you aren’t happy and the situation won’t change unless you change it.

Why are you doing most of the grunt work?

It's important, because if that's how he sees you - as his housekeeper, staff, the domestic appliance, - does it put you in a box in his head marked 'no sex'? But besides that anyway - stop servicing his life by doing most of the grunt work! And exactly how is it "the most perfect marriage in every way" if you are doing most of the grunt work? Just - how? I suspect there's a lot of imperfections that are being drowned out because of this one massive problem.

And don't you dare absorb the blame for his being dysfunctional about sex! The blame is all his! Your weight is neither here nor there. The problem is he downloads porn and enforces a celibate lifestyle on you.

"He is 50. I'm 53." and "15 years is a lot to throw away."
Am I right in thinking there's no kids? No 'glue' besides your one-to-one relationship? Which he is devaluing with the combined lack of personal intimacy and porn habit?

Are you familiar with the Sunk Costs Fallacy? Because you're falling for the fallacy when you say "15 years is a lot to throw away." Those 15 years are gone, they cannot be thrown away. Nothing can change that. The question is what about the next 15? The next 30? The past is past, what of the future?

His porn habit is a betrayal. He won't look at you but he'll look at other women - however anyone dresses it up, to me it is a betrayal. Continued use of porn would be a deal-breaker. You have told him his use of porn upsets you, if knowing it upsets you does not stop him, I would lose all respect for him and my love for him would be dead.

Yes, I agree. The women he watches obviously have perfect bodies. I do not, but I'm not hideous! The porn he watches is tame. He knows it's on offer from me any time he wants it, but chooses not do have sex with me. We do have date nights. We have wine, and he can't do anything after a drink another excuse. So, no giggly romps on offer.

He will take viagra before sex. It works for a very limited time. But sex is only once every 8 to 10 weeks. Woo hoo!

Definitely psychological, because he can get an erection. But he just can't be bothered 99% of the time. Everything is on his terms. If he wants it, I'm available. If he doesn't then we don't have it. I am literally a passenger and have no say in my own sex life.

Your situation sounds identical to mine. Did you just leave one day? I can't imagine being without my best friend. We have so many plans for the future. But, he's betraying me, I feel. I'm so fucked off!