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Original poster

DH downloads porn, but hardy ever has sex with me

113 replies

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 15:51

I'm at my wits end here.

Me and DH have the most perfect marriage in every way, except for this problem.

I have an average sex drive, and would like to have sex a few times a week.

DH says he has low sex drive. We have sex about once every 2 months, usually because I've had a moan about lack of intimacy. He has ED. I cannot remember the last time he came, it must be over a year ago.

However, he is downloading a lot of porn behind my back!

We were looking to book a holiday last week, only using my laptop, and I suggested getting his laptop out, so that we had a laptop each. He was very reluctant, but did so, and then as soon as we finished, his lap top was closed and put away (mine is out and open, all of the time). I asked him if he was watching porn again (we've been here before). He said no.

Anyway, last night, when he was at work, he had left his laptop in his games room, logged in, so I had a look, and sure enough, there is loads and loads of downloaded porn. I don't think I'd care, if he was intimate with me, but he isn't, so the fact that he's downloading files of other women really, really hurts.

I am at my wits end. I went ballistic when he got in and we've had a talk this morning, which has resulted in him crying and promising to change, quit porn and be intimate with me. Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo, but surely if that was the case, you'd watch a few clips, realise it wasn't working, and then stop - but he has loads of the stuff. He is not masturbating when he watches it, because he's in the next room, and I could walk in at any moment.

I'm just so disappointed. He is 50. I'm 53. We have our whole retirement planned out. A lovely house, no money worries. He's my best friend. We have wonderful holidays together, always have a great laugh together.

But this feels like a betrayal.

Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
conniefused · 28/05/2023 20:00

I've been in a very similar situation. I don't have an issue with him watching porn but I do have an issue with him claiming he has low libido and then sneakily opting for a sex life with his laptop rather than with me.

We spoke about it at length and things have improved. I think it's important to remember them sex with someone else is more complicated than a quick wank to ease some tension. There are expectations and pressure to perform/please the other person - all of which are heightened if there are also ED issues at play. Then there's the logistics of finding a time when you won't be disturbed (this was a big struggle for us with two dc at home!)

What I'm saying is sometimes it just easier to have a wank. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive, it's just the easier option. I do think if you're unfulfilled and upset about it though he needs to make more effort. Does he take viagra to help these issues? Communication is so important here. I hope things improve for you.

Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:07

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/05/2023 18:34

Why are you doing most of the grunt work?

It's important, because if that's how he sees you - as his housekeeper, staff, the domestic appliance, - does it put you in a box in his head marked 'no sex'? But besides that anyway - stop servicing his life by doing most of the grunt work! And exactly how is it "the most perfect marriage in every way" if you are doing most of the grunt work? Just - how? I suspect there's a lot of imperfections that are being drowned out because of this one massive problem.

And don't you dare absorb the blame for his being dysfunctional about sex! The blame is all his! Your weight is neither here nor there. The problem is he downloads porn and enforces a celibate lifestyle on you.

"He is 50. I'm 53." and "15 years is a lot to throw away."
Am I right in thinking there's no kids? No 'glue' besides your one-to-one relationship? Which he is devaluing with the combined lack of personal intimacy and porn habit?

Are you familiar with the Sunk Costs Fallacy? Because you're falling for the fallacy when you say "15 years is a lot to throw away." Those 15 years are gone, they cannot be thrown away. Nothing can change that. The question is what about the next 15? The next 30? The past is past, what of the future?

His porn habit is a betrayal. He won't look at you but he'll look at other women - however anyone dresses it up, to me it is a betrayal. Continued use of porn would be a deal-breaker. You have told him his use of porn upsets you, if knowing it upsets you does not stop him, I would lose all respect for him and my love for him would be dead.

Show quote history

I'm doing most of the housework, cooking, washing etc, because he has a very stressful job (life or death decisions all day), whereas I work from home. I have my own business that's stress free, and doesn't take many hours per day. In that sense, I'm happy to keep the home fires burning.

Thank you, for your kind words about not absorbing the blame. I needed to hear that.

Regards kids, I have two from my first marriage. He has none. My kids are grown up and left home a few years ago.

You're right about throwing 15 years away, sunk cost fallacy etc, but we have a lot of history and shared time together, the thought of starting over with someone else doesn't float my boat, whatsoever. And I don't want to be alone, as I love to travel and that's something we do together a lot! If this marriage does go tits up, I have decided that I will never let a man in to my heart or home again. I will date and have sex, but no one is getting close to me again. My walls will be so high.

Re your final para, I'm starting to detach emotionally, unfortunately. It struck me this morning, how he was offering to change, bla bla, and at no point did it cross his mind, that maybe I wouldn't be available for him. Like he thinks he has me on the hook, despite never touching me. I am totally self sufficient and don't need him for money or property, yet he thinks I'm always going to be there. If I was the one withholding intimacy and simultaneously googling other men, and I'd been rumbled, I'd be absolutely shitting myself.

I'm currently drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Prosecco. He is at work.

I kind of know how the next few days will go. He will be super attentive, might even squeeze in a 10 minute fumble, to tick me off for the next month. I'm so bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:12

conniefused · 28/05/2023 20:00

I've been in a very similar situation. I don't have an issue with him watching porn but I do have an issue with him claiming he has low libido and then sneakily opting for a sex life with his laptop rather than with me.

We spoke about it at length and things have improved. I think it's important to remember them sex with someone else is more complicated than a quick wank to ease some tension. There are expectations and pressure to perform/please the other person - all of which are heightened if there are also ED issues at play. Then there's the logistics of finding a time when you won't be disturbed (this was a big struggle for us with two dc at home!)

What I'm saying is sometimes it just easier to have a wank. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive, it's just the easier option. I do think if you're unfulfilled and upset about it though he needs to make more effort. Does he take viagra to help these issues? Communication is so important here. I hope things improve for you.

Your first Para hits the nail on the head! I wouldn't be that bothered about the porn, if we had sex!!

He does not wank. Which makes this even more ridiculous!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:14

Thank you everyone. I honestly can't believe this is how we have ended up. How fucking sad. More prosecco needed, me thinks.

OP posts:
namechanged221 · 28/05/2023 20:14

I think he's lying about the doesn't wank part.

What would be the reason to watch porn otherwise?

He will be doing it when you're at the shops/ work etc
Asleep whatever.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 28/05/2023 20:15

He has an addiction to porn and needs help. He won't be able to stop going on these websites without help.

Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:18

namechanged221 · 28/05/2023 20:14

I think he's lying about the doesn't wank part.

What would be the reason to watch porn otherwise?

He will be doing it when you're at the shops/ work etc
Asleep whatever.

I would say the same in your shoes, but he really doesn't! I wish he did! When he watches porn, he is next door and it's too risky (I could walk in), also the blinds don't close properly in that room, so people could see in. I work from home, so he's never home alone. I have offered many times to wank him off, and have encouraged him to wank as part of sex. He is not interested WHATSOEVER. I really wish that he was.

I've just remembered something else. He says he's watching it, to get aroused, in order to find his mojo for me, but.....when I was 350 miles away, with my dying Mum, he downloaded porn on that day (that she died), and I wasn't even there, so what the fuck is that about?

OP posts:
Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:21

I wish I didn't have work, and I could just jet off to somewhere on my own, and take a week out, to fucking think.

OP posts:
Newmnname10 · 28/05/2023 20:23

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 19:52

Your situation sounds identical to mine. Did you just leave one day? I can't imagine being without my best friend. We have so many plans for the future. But, he's betraying me, I feel. I'm so fucked off!

Show quote history

We had many, many conversations about his lack of interest in sex. Each time the outcome was the same, that he would be willing to have sex, to “try harder”?!
He even alluded to having erectile dysfunction, bought viagra, we had sex, he agreed to have sex with me more regularly. Of course, like a fool, I believed him.

I had been having therapy for a variety of reasons. Therapy makes you look at all of the important relationships in your life, and evaluate them. So the actual break had been looming for a few weeks, he was oblivious of course. We lived separately which helped, no messy house spilt.
But yes, one day I just said that I needed some space and that was it really.

I’m not surprised you’re fucked off! We say these men are our best friends, but are they really when they are willing to upset us so much that it affects our self esteem and mental health?

Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:30

Newmnname10 · 28/05/2023 20:23

We had many, many conversations about his lack of interest in sex. Each time the outcome was the same, that he would be willing to have sex, to “try harder”?!
He even alluded to having erectile dysfunction, bought viagra, we had sex, he agreed to have sex with me more regularly. Of course, like a fool, I believed him.

I had been having therapy for a variety of reasons. Therapy makes you look at all of the important relationships in your life, and evaluate them. So the actual break had been looming for a few weeks, he was oblivious of course. We lived separately which helped, no messy house spilt.
But yes, one day I just said that I needed some space and that was it really.

I’m not surprised you’re fucked off! We say these men are our best friends, but are they really when they are willing to upset us so much that it affects our self esteem and mental health?

Show quote history

This resonates so much with me. We have had THE conversation a million times. And he says what yours did! And then everything slips back to zero sex.

We live together, but the house is mine. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't leave because he would go from living in a lovely house to a one bed flat! And I earn more than him as well. He has it easy here.

We say these men are our best friends, but are they really when they are willing to upset us so much that it affects our self esteem and mental health?

This really struck a chord, I have asked myself this, many times. He knows I'm sad. He knows I need intimacy. I have made a fool of myself really, by saying that once per week would be okay, even if he can't do PIV, other stuff will do. How demeaning. And he doesn't meet me half way, He can't even be bothered to snog me and put a sex toy on me for 10 mins a week. How embarrassing for me that I even said that would be good enough. CRINGE.

OP posts:
Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:34

I'm going to try to watch some TV, and take my mind off it.

He asked me before work, whether I wanted him to sleep in the spare room tonight. I didn't really answer. He will be home by 1130pm, by which time I will be asleep in our room.

I will update in the morning. I'm up at the crack of dawn. Gah!

OP posts:
Boomshock · 28/05/2023 20:47

Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo

So he looks at it to see if it fire up his mojo, he doesn't masturbate, but he then downloads it? Makes no sense
Why would he download it if it's not doing anything for him?

guineacup · 28/05/2023 20:58

He will take viagra before sex. It works for a very limited time. But sex is only once every 8 to 10 weeks. Woo hoo!

I'm not sure why people still take viagra given that Cialis is similarly effective and works for up to 36 hours!

ArcticSkewer · 28/05/2023 21:05

Have you considered telling him you are opening up the relationship so you can get some decent sex?

I think you might have a very good time if you did.

BadgerFacedCoo · 28/05/2023 21:09

He's not a lover or a provider.

Call me old fashioned but I'd want at least one box of the two ticked.

Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 21:23

Yeah I threatened opening up the relationship a while back. Tbh I’m not confident enough in my body to do that. I’ve got quite a pretty face and good tits, but my belly is horrible. I need to lose 3 stone. Of course this fiasco doesn’t help the self esteem!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pornhabit · 28/05/2023 21:25

No he isn’t a lover or provider. I do always feel safe with him though. He’s built like a brick shit house and could knock anyone out if we were in trouble

OP posts:
caringcarer · 28/05/2023 21:33

I'd not want to be friends with someone who treats you like that. If he leaves bed you he would want to be intimate with you not wank to images on a screen. I'd call this relationship a day and find someone who will love you and treat you well. You say this has been going on for years. If you are miserable then do something about it. Start a new chapter to your life. You could make a new start with someone else and have a normal sex life.

Newmnname10 · 28/05/2023 21:56

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 20:30

This resonates so much with me. We have had THE conversation a million times. And he says what yours did! And then everything slips back to zero sex.

We live together, but the house is mine. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't leave because he would go from living in a lovely house to a one bed flat! And I earn more than him as well. He has it easy here.

We say these men are our best friends, but are they really when they are willing to upset us so much that it affects our self esteem and mental health?

This really struck a chord, I have asked myself this, many times. He knows I'm sad. He knows I need intimacy. I have made a fool of myself really, by saying that once per week would be okay, even if he can't do PIV, other stuff will do. How demeaning. And he doesn't meet me half way, He can't even be bothered to snog me and put a sex toy on me for 10 mins a week. How embarrassing for me that I even said that would be good enough. CRINGE.

Show quote history

Yep, I’ve heard this, felt this all, so much. I know that this must feel so big in your head, but honestly, you can make the change.

It is honestly better to be on your own than to remain with a man who makes you feel
like crap.

ArcticSkewer · 28/05/2023 22:07

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 21:23

Yeah I threatened opening up the relationship a while back. Tbh I’m not confident enough in my body to do that. I’ve got quite a pretty face and good tits, but my belly is horrible. I need to lose 3 stone. Of course this fiasco doesn’t help the self esteem!!

Go for it. I bet you find men queuing up.

It's finding men who want a relationship that's hard. Finding men who like sex and would be delighted to have sex with you would be easy

Truestorypeeps · 28/05/2023 22:24

I suppose you don't want to just act like mates and who could blame you. You're more than a live in friend, cook and cleaner. sex and intimacy, desire for one another is a huge part of a relationship. However, if he just doesn't have these feelings for you or anyone else presumably, other than couples therapy or counseling, what else can be done.

SwordToFlamethrower · 28/05/2023 22:42

A marriage without a sex life (or mismatched at least) isn't a marriage. It is a friendship.

You can still have him as a friend, divorced from one another, while you find a man who wants you, excites you and wants to spend time with you.

SwordToFlamethrower · 28/05/2023 22:45

Why do you keep saying he doesn't wank? There are more places to masturbate than in the room next door.

Givemes · 28/05/2023 23:45

My ex (been together for 10+ years ) didn't have sex with me for 6 years. And i didnt cheat on him during those years so i have not had sex for six years.
i think I'm the champion.

Boomshock · 29/05/2023 01:13

ArcticSkewer · 28/05/2023 22:07

Go for it. I bet you find men queuing up.

It's finding men who want a relationship that's hard. Finding men who like sex and would be delighted to have sex with you would be easy

Show quote history

Most likely her husband would consider that to be cheating and I'm assuming would end the marriage then.

Surely it would be better to just break up.

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