DH downloads porn, but hardy ever has sex with me

[pornhabit]

I'm at my wits end here.

Me and DH have the most perfect marriage in every way, except for this problem.

I have an average sex drive, and would like to have sex a few times a week.

DH says he has low sex drive. We have sex about once every 2 months, usually because I've had a moan about lack of intimacy. He has ED. I cannot remember the last time he came, it must be over a year ago.

However, he is downloading a lot of porn behind my back!

We were looking to book a holiday last week, only using my laptop, and I suggested getting his laptop out, so that we had a laptop each. He was very reluctant, but did so, and then as soon as we finished, his lap top was closed and put away (mine is out and open, all of the time). I asked him if he was watching porn again (we've been here before). He said no.

Anyway, last night, when he was at work, he had left his laptop in his games room, logged in, so I had a look, and sure enough, there is loads and loads of downloaded porn. I don't think I'd care, if he was intimate with me, but he isn't, so the fact that he's downloading files of other women really, really hurts.

I am at my wits end. I went ballistic when he got in and we've had a talk this morning, which has resulted in him crying and promising to change, quit porn and be intimate with me. Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo, but surely if that was the case, you'd watch a few clips, realise it wasn't working, and then stop - but he has loads of the stuff. He is not masturbating when he watches it, because he's in the next room, and I could walk in at any moment.

I'm just so disappointed. He is 50. I'm 53. We have our whole retirement planned out. A lovely house, no money worries. He's my best friend. We have wonderful holidays together, always have a great laugh together.

But this feels like a betrayal.

Or am I overreacting?

Hi Op, apologies for the long response. I had a boyfriend like this once, so I know how confusing and soul destroying it is. I don’t have a particularly high libido, so it wasn’t the lack of sex per se that was the problem, it was the lies and terrible impact on my self esteem. It was almost like he was living a double life.
I knew something wasn’t ‘right’ about him. I had other experiences after him that led to therapy and alot of reflection and I realised that actually, the thing that wasn’t right about him was that he had an incredibly unhealthy attitude to women, not just sex.

He had ED too, and I think he had a pretty fucked up view of sex. I’m sorry to say that some men, on a very base level see sex as an act of violation and/or violence. It kind of disgusts them and turns them on at the same time 🤮 and gives vent for some pretty ugly misogynistic feelings. In a way he may be protecting you from the ugliness of his feelings by not having sex with you, and projecting it onto these “faceless” women instead. Not to mention getting his fix with porn that involves degradation and violence.
Your husband may not be such an extreme case, and it may be uncomfortable to hear, but men that treat you this way rarely have a healthy attitude to women. The fact that he has ED in the first place tells you somethings going on there, and it ain’t in his penis, it’s in his head. It can be pretty dark inside this kind of man’s mind. That’s not an easy fix I’m afraid, and I don’t suggest you stick around to help him with it.

I.dont think men give a shit about that; many not for a relationship, and definitely not for NSA sex

Thanks for all comments, I have read every one. He came home, opened the Torrent and told me that it would have been sitting there from before, because some movies take ages to download depending on how many seeds there are. I don't really understand how it all works, which is in his favour really. He said all the right things and I was so tired of it all, that once I'd said my piece, I just didn't argue any more. We went on to have an okay evening, given the situation.

I think I'm going to park this issue in my head for a while. I'm boring myself with it tbh. I'm going to lose the weight (he is too), and see how I feel then.

There was time for us to have sex this morning - but of course we didn't. I mentioned this and he said "shall we go back to bed" and I said "no". It might seems as though I'm cutting my nose off, to spite my face, but this isn't the type of sex that I want! I want him to come up with the idea - going back to bed this morning would have felt like pity sex.

We are both overweight, both drink a bit too much, both self conscious of our bellies. I hoping that if we can get a bit healthier, lose some weight etc, that things might organically improve in the bed room.

That's true about Torrent downloads.

Try some sexy underwear! I only discovered recently how much it can perk things up. Usual cliche - black sheer lacy stuff. If you choose the right things, it even looks nice on a bit of lard 😜

Thanks Alcemeg, he did look like he was being truthful!

Have tried sexy underwear in the past, with varying degrees of success. It would feel a bit too desperate just now, lol.

We are both body conscious. Really hoping that getting fitter might help!

I don't believe that he doesn't orgasm to all this porn - that's a pretty obvious lie.

I assume you sometimes leave the house, do something else, do something for a while in the bedroom or bathroom, you're not in and out of the next room literally 24/7. It doesn't take a bloke long to orgasm to porn if they put their mind to it.

Who tf is downloading porn anyway?

It's all there available to watch on porn sites.

Is your internet connection from the 1990s.

@pornhabit sorry to see you are going to continue flogging a dead horse. Why would he leave or change? He lives in a nice home with a woman who takes good care of him, no matter what he does. He says what you want to hear and then carries on DOING WHAT HE WANTS. No change. You are a passenger in your own life, you’re letting him determine how you feel. You may cry and feel dreadful, but it’s up to you to actually change and DO something constructive because he shows you time and time again that he won’t. I suggest he enjoys your dramas.

How fucking long does he say movies take to download? A week?! What utter crap he's trying to tell you.
I'm not sure agree that a bit of black lacy thong is going to cure him of being a twat, either. It is literally the pick me dance - I've been there and done that. At what point on the weighing scale will he magically stop being a minimizing liar who doesn't care about your feelings and turn into the amorous man you deserve?

Yes I agree with you all. Well, tonight he’s at work from 1pm till 11pm. He’s a Police Officer. I sat myself in the garden at about 6pm with a glass of Prosecco. The doorbell went and I answered the door to find my very handsome neighbour there in skimpy shorts and literally nothing else! I would never cheat, but I did think ding dong. Then he said his dog did a shit and he didn’t have poo bags so could he borrow one please. #boredtofuck

God love you OP. This sounds like the perfect porn plot.

Wishing you better luck soon 🤞

I think you should dump him for downloading porn. Who does that?!?!!??!! It's like trainspotting. Catch a train yeah, but stand on the platform writing it all down? Weird.

Hopefully your neighbour has noticed your predicament and is thinking of a better excuse for next time 💖💥👍💝😜👌🤣💖

You are only 53! You are way too young to think that your sex life is over!