DH downloads porn, but hardy ever has sex with me

[pornhabit]

I'm at my wits end here.

Me and DH have the most perfect marriage in every way, except for this problem.

I have an average sex drive, and would like to have sex a few times a week.

DH says he has low sex drive. We have sex about once every 2 months, usually because I've had a moan about lack of intimacy. He has ED. I cannot remember the last time he came, it must be over a year ago.

However, he is downloading a lot of porn behind my back!

We were looking to book a holiday last week, only using my laptop, and I suggested getting his laptop out, so that we had a laptop each. He was very reluctant, but did so, and then as soon as we finished, his lap top was closed and put away (mine is out and open, all of the time). I asked him if he was watching porn again (we've been here before). He said no.

Anyway, last night, when he was at work, he had left his laptop in his games room, logged in, so I had a look, and sure enough, there is loads and loads of downloaded porn. I don't think I'd care, if he was intimate with me, but he isn't, so the fact that he's downloading files of other women really, really hurts.

I am at my wits end. I went ballistic when he got in and we've had a talk this morning, which has resulted in him crying and promising to change, quit porn and be intimate with me. Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo, but surely if that was the case, you'd watch a few clips, realise it wasn't working, and then stop - but he has loads of the stuff. He is not masturbating when he watches it, because he's in the next room, and I could walk in at any moment.

I'm just so disappointed. He is 50. I'm 53. We have our whole retirement planned out. A lovely house, no money worries. He's my best friend. We have wonderful holidays together, always have a great laugh together.

But this feels like a betrayal.

Or am I overreacting?

Part of your answer to Beargrumps22 struck me:
"Definitely psychological, because he can get an erection. But he just can't be bothered 99% of the time. Everything is on his terms. If he wants it, I'm available. If he doesn't then we don't have it. I am literally a passenger and have no say in my own sex life."

Compare it with
"I'm doing most of the housework, cooking, washing etc, because he has a very stressful job (life or death decisions all day), whereas I work from home."

Ooh, the Big Important Man, too exalted to waste his Big Important Time on the mundanities of life: he must have - everything on his terms. The 'passenger' can deal with the mundane and facilitate his lifestyle - there's a definite crossover there, don't you think? He sees himself as entitled to whatever he wants, you facilitate that: but whatever you might want, like a sex life, he does not facilitate because you are not a Big Important Woman because you are not handling life or death decisions all day like he is.

Also

"We live together, but the house is mine. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't leave because he would go from living in a lovely house to a one bed flat! And I earn more than him as well. He has it easy here."

I'm just going to float a thought here. It occurred to me as I read your more recent posts. And the thought is - Is he punishing you? Punishing you because although he's the Big Important Man dealing with the life or death decisions all day, he is beholden to his lowly 'passenger' for the roof over his head and for the nice travel etc. that your income provides for you both? Could he resent that you have all this without being a Big Important Life Or Death Person, whereas he - doesn't?

He has it VERY easy. Too easy. And the problem is that when some people are handed everything on a plate, they don't value it as much as they should, as much as they would had they had to work for it. And they can resent the people who handed them that plate, and look down on them somewhat. It's counterintuitive, but that seems to be how some people think. And I'm wondering if it's how your husband thinks. Not consciously. But withholding sex has given him more power in the relationship, hasn't it? "Everything is on his terms."

This.

Thank you for so many well considered responses, I have read them all, and really appreciate the time taken.

We had a long talk yesterday. I made it clear how upset I was, that he was looking at other women, when I am right here, and up for sex. How betrayed I felt, etc.

He has deleted it all, and said all the right things. Mainly, his reason for not initiating with me, was the fear of failure (ED). This has happened many times, so I do believe that. Whereas, in my mind, it's better to try and fail, and then do other things, than to be celibate!

He agreed and has ordered 3 months worth of a new pill that you take every morning, that helps to get and keep an erection - I think this will be better than viagra, where you have to know when you're going to have sex and take it 30 mins before, which takes away any spontaneity. Slightly concerned that the pill won't magically increase his sex drive, but we shall see. I need to do a bit of reading up on it.

Not sure if anything will change. We have been here before. I had just about come to terms with not having much sex, but Ill be buggered if I'm going to be celibate whilst he downloads films of other women. That doesn't fly with me!

WhereYouLeftIt I have read your post many times, it is so well thought out and articulated. I think if he is viewing himself as the Big Important Man, it is probably not consciously. He is not arrogant in any way. Apart from this issue, he is a very decent spud. Always does the right things in times of crisis. He is very thoughtful - he starts buying my Christmas presents in the summer, because he loves getting me well thought out gifts. He is funny and kind. We have the same core values on most things. We both love to travel and have amazing adventures together. Let's see how the next few months pan out. I will update!!

Update. He has been taking his new pills religiously. But we still haven't had any sex. Tonight is date night. Wish I hadn't looked, but he is at work and I looked at his lap top. He was downloading porn as recently as Monday. I have gone really hot. I just SO was looking forward to tonight. Not sure whether to explode at him the minute he comes home or just resign myself to the fact that he will never stop watching the stuff. Feeling so upset right now. Any advice? Should I just let him watch this stuff and accept it? Am I being controlling? I've been through everything with a fine tooth comb. No evidence of anything except regular age appropriate vanilla porn.

Anyone? He has sent me a message on Whatsapp, I don't even know how to reply. Torn between saying nothing or sending him a screenshot of the downloaded moves, and asking whether there is any explanation that won't break my heart.

I feel really sorry for your husband. Not because of you, you sound like an amazing person. But because it must be really hard for men to deal with ED. They (wrongly) derive so much of their confidence through their erections. I wonder if you have had the kind of sex life where you have used toys, and done other stuff other than PIV, or if he has a bit of an old school view of sex that's it's PIV or nothing?

My husband watches porn and I try hard not to think about what he's watching. I think it is very negative to the bedroom. Not only because of training their brain on some certain look of sex, but because when they wank they get "death grip" basically they grip their penis really tightly to wank and then they can't come without that.

Unfortunately it is also an addiction, the same way we say we won't eat another piece of chocolate or look at social media again today. It gives that little bit of dopamine. So I think you should try and find patience with him trying to quit. Have you messaged him today saying how much you are looking forward to tonight? Let him know he should be keeping that laptop closed so there is something in the tank today?

Thanks for replying Lavellan

Yes, he knows he can use toys. He was downloading porn on Monday, around 430pm. I was here, and he could have approached me instead. We haven't had any form of intimacy since April. Like, zero!

No, I haven't messaged him. He swore blind to me through tears, only a few weeks ago, that he would stop viewing porn and pour his all into our relationship. And yet on Monday he was watching "julie hot mom" instead of being intimate with me. I'm angry.

There is never anything in the tank. Unfortunately.

I was SO looking forward to sitting outside with him tonight and having some wine in the sun. I now feel like I want to punch him in the face, quite frankly. I actually haven't even seen his penis in about 8 weeks.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. And he can't even be bothered to try to hide his porn usage!
The watching porn by itself wouldn't bother me, perhaps it wouldn't bother you too much either, but combined with the continued lack of sex I would also feel insulted.

All I can say is that it's better to talk than stew on it, so I would tell him you know. Maybe a final go at couples counselling so you can channel your anger into more helpful ways of communicating ... cos I wouldn't blame you if you threw the laptop at him right now!

I'd still think about opening up the relationship if you really want to stay. You will find plenty of men.

Thanks ArcticSkewer I don't want other men. I don't want to end my marriage. I just want a normal level of sex. Instead, I am virtually celibate, whilst he watches women in porn films with bodies I can't compete with, and now he lies about that too. He appears to have zero sex drive. Maybe he is watching these to try to get his libido back. I don't know. It's very boring for me. Maybe at 53, I just need to accept that my sex life is over? I don't want to throw a 15 year relationship down the tubes over this, but my goodness could he not meet me half way? I am overweight, but must be more hideous than I thought.

I really do understand what you are going through.I have the same issue.I found DH porn on his phone!!!!!!Felt disgusted,Annoyed,and it has destroyed myself esteem.I had to go for counselling!It didn't stop there,he denied it every time,I found he was using sexmessenger,and on some group chat with a load of perverts!!!He had women sending him friend requests,and links for him to look at their naked bodies!He told me I was mental and that I was paranoid!so I took pictures of what I found on his phone and said is it all in my head then!!!!!!!!!!He said he done it out of boredom(what a crock of shit)This will destroy you!!!!Being in a relationship you should be enough for him!IYou could seek couples counselling! my husband refused to go as he said it wasn't him with the problem!!!!!!!! I am still having issues with my husband this has gone on for couple of years now!!!and I have come to the conclusion that if you are strong enough you either leave the relationship!!!or stay and let it make you feel paranoid,worthless,depressed,low self esteem and feeling like a bag of shit!

I dated a porn addict. I didn't know he was an addict in the beginning. He suffered from ED. I later found out that he didn't have ED with porn, only with me.

He also never wanted sex. I found out that after I left his house after not having sex, he would masturbate to porn.

I don't want to project onto you but I wonder if he is masturbating to porn more often than you realise, and it's why he has no desire for you. And also if this is why he has ED. Porn is really desensitising and makes it harder to get off with a real woman.

And I was in my 20s and good looking too.

Please don't say that you must be hideous. I don't think this is about you. It's about him, what he is watching and what that is doing to his brain and ability to connect sexually with a real person.

I have also been there with a boyfriend, also when in 20s.

Preferred porn over me, unable to climax in real life, but can do it to porn in minutes. Absolutely ridiculous that men are incapacitating themselves with porn at any age, but especially younger men.

We actually managed to work through it at the time. There was a lot of lies and deceit first though.

LYDIAtyto That sounds horrendous, can you leave?

LadyH846 Sorry you have been through similar. I am 99% sure he isn't masterbating. That's not me in denial, I actually would like him to, as at least it would indicate desire. The room he uses (with the laptop) faces on to a pathway and the blinds do not fully go down (silly error we have never corrected). I don't think he would risk being seen! I guess maybe in the shower, but he wouldn't be watching porn then.

BBYBjorn Yes, it's crazy isn't it? Just two weeks ago, he was crying to me, saying how he didn't want to be this sad person who watched porn and didn't tough his wife. TWO WEEKS. And yet, here we are.

touch

I don't think the option you want is one that's on offer. Sorry!

You can choose to stay and be pretty much celibate (may become easier? women often lose interest it seems after menopause), stay and have affairs, leave and stay single, leave and find someone else.

I don't think this has anything to do with you but it'll be hard to stay high in self esteem and keep believing that while in a dead bedroom.

It's really frustrating and upsetting and I totally know how you feel. I hope it can be resolved OP. There's not really any easy answers here, I'm afraid.

So sorry to hear your update. He has massively let you down yet again.

And his reasons for watching it - to get in the mood for you, increase his sex drive etc is just a whole load of tosh.

He likes watching it. It turns him on, possibly to the point where its all so far from reality he has lost all sense of what real intimacy in real life is like. Its not real! He has a real live woman sat in the room nextdoor absolutely willing to jump on him the second he gives the go ahead. It makes no sense whatsoever.

If it was for you, as he states, he wouldn't be watching it when you're miles away. And he would be seeking you out within minutes of watching it and getting aroused. It is purely for his own selfish messed up pleasure because he is too lazy to put actual effort into pleasing you. He is just into pleasing himself. How very unattractive.

I really don't know what to suggest. But he needs to start being honest. He realises how it makes you feel, but does he realise how its making you feel about him? Maybe hammer that one home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is the height of disrespect to you and you are now struggling to even look at him. You are losing what respect you had for him rapidly.

If I were you i'd tell him he is no longer invited to date night. He doesn't get to have a nice meal and chill night with you, after lying to you. date night is cancelled until he can categorically prove to you the porn use has completely stopped, and stopped for a significant amount of time.

What a crap situation, OP...

I am overweight, but must be more hideous than I thought.
No! Please don't let this affect your self-esteem more than it already has. I promise you'd find no end of blokes who'd want sex with you, if you decided to go down that route.

Him using porn wouldn't bother me, but downloading it is a bit odd. It gives it a level of importance it really shouldn't have.

This is nothing to do with your attractiveness OP, you sound amazing and there is absolutely not a dick shortage out there, rest assured.

He has an issue, if he promised through tears to stop downloading porn and said that he understood the impact this was having on you, and then did not stop, then he has a problem, possibly an addiction, because it's a chronic compulsion that he keeps seeking out despite it having seriously shitty consequences to his wider life, ie his relationship with you, roof over his head etc.

He feels he's got you on the hook, and you're going to have to put up with it, meanwhile you feel utterly bored, infuitated and at the end of your tether. It would be no bad thing to let him know that you're the end of your patience with it, and you are not prepared to live out the rest of your life like this.

Maybe set a time frame in which he needs to throw everything he can at this issue, after which if nothing is improved you'll have to make a decision, so GP, a sex therapist, medication, but there's only any point in agreeing to do all this if he's actually going to do it, and more importantly wants things to change.

He's not your best friend, your best friend wouldn't keep doing something they'd agreed not to and would prioritise your relationship over their non wank fodder. He's a fool.

Sadly, all of the conversations people are suggesting - we have had them, multiple times. I have no idea how to handle tonight. He will be home about 5pm, and the plan was drinks in the sun. I was going to have a curry in the slow cooker for whenever we got hungry. Maybe juliehotmom can make him a curry instead?

OP you sound like a flipping dreamboat, honestly, he's got some serious monkey on his back to be risking losing you. If there was someone waiting for me at 5pm with a slow cooker curry and drinks in the sun and a twinke in their eye I'd be all over it like a rash!

Maybe he doesn't feel he's at risk of losing you?

I don't know how truthful he is being, but let's say he is... I actually understand.

I can flip this... my wife is good at oral sex, and I enjoy it, but she doesn't do it because one time she did it, and for whatever reason, it 'softened'. So now she is 100% against it, and refuses to do it ever again because she is afraid of failure. This sounds very much like your husband... he no doubt likes sex, but due to his ED, his confidence and ego are SO bruised, that he doesn't even want to try. So now, he reverts to the safe, 'non-judgemental' women in porn.

If all the above is true, then he's just using porn to relieve a tension, because he's afraid of disappointing you with the real thing.

Maybe it's about building his confidence? Jump on him and reassure him that it's about him and you... if it doesn't work, no biggie! Hugs, kisses, oral... The thing with penises is that they have a mind of their own. If my wife jumped on me right now, it wouldn't work. She'd get the hump, feel dejected that she no longer does it for me etc and sex would be off the table for a long time. But at 18:27 tonight, out of the blue, I'm going to be horny and it's going to be ready to go... no idea why, I just picked a time! Let him know that when this happens, because it will happen... that you want to know!... whether you're in the middle of the dishes, halfway through a movie or washing your hair... you have to capitalise on these moments.