DH downloads porn, but hardy ever has sex with me

[pornhabit]

I'm at my wits end here.

Me and DH have the most perfect marriage in every way, except for this problem.

I have an average sex drive, and would like to have sex a few times a week.

DH says he has low sex drive. We have sex about once every 2 months, usually because I've had a moan about lack of intimacy. He has ED. I cannot remember the last time he came, it must be over a year ago.

However, he is downloading a lot of porn behind my back!

We were looking to book a holiday last week, only using my laptop, and I suggested getting his laptop out, so that we had a laptop each. He was very reluctant, but did so, and then as soon as we finished, his lap top was closed and put away (mine is out and open, all of the time). I asked him if he was watching porn again (we've been here before). He said no.

Anyway, last night, when he was at work, he had left his laptop in his games room, logged in, so I had a look, and sure enough, there is loads and loads of downloaded porn. I don't think I'd care, if he was intimate with me, but he isn't, so the fact that he's downloading files of other women really, really hurts.

I am at my wits end. I went ballistic when he got in and we've had a talk this morning, which has resulted in him crying and promising to change, quit porn and be intimate with me. Says he only looks at it to try to fire up his mojo, but surely if that was the case, you'd watch a few clips, realise it wasn't working, and then stop - but he has loads of the stuff. He is not masturbating when he watches it, because he's in the next room, and I could walk in at any moment.

I'm just so disappointed. He is 50. I'm 53. We have our whole retirement planned out. A lovely house, no money worries. He's my best friend. We have wonderful holidays together, always have a great laugh together.

But this feels like a betrayal.

Or am I overreacting?

We don't jump on people and try to make them have sex with us.

Thank you GoldDuster, that brought a tear to my eye. I just don't know where I'm going wrong. The garden is spotless (gorgeous actually), with a comfy chair waiting for him. The wine is chilling. I'm just about to make the curry. The house is spotless. I've just had an Asda delivery, and all of his favourite things are in the fridge. I do all of the housework, laundry, cooking etc.

I earn more than him, so I pay for my half of everything and tend to pick up the tab for any extra's like take-aways and meals out. I'm not bad looking, I'm kind and very generous.

I just want more intimacy. There is none. And the porn makes it a harder pill to swallow. Actually, this last lot of porn, whilst looking vanilla at first glance, was all about a step mom having sex with her step son. That's new. He does not have a step mum. His Dad has a partner, but she is very elderly, so it's not about her!

If all the above is true, then he's just using porn to relieve a tension, because he's afraid of disappointing you with the real thing

I doubt it relieves tension, he doesn't wank.

Maybe it's about building his confidence? Jump on him and reassure him that it's about him and you... if it doesn't work, no biggie! Hugs, kisses, oral...

Tried this many times. It doesn't work. He wont let me do oral on him. He likes PIV only and can't manage it often.

Let him know that when this happens, because it will happen... that you want to know!... whether you're in the middle of the dishes, halfway through a movie or washing your hair... you have to capitalise on these moments

Believe me, he KNOWS this. Still chooses porn though.

Don't get caught up in the titles.

Older woman with younger man is always labelled step mum/son.

It is odd that he's downloading this stuff though. He could just google incognito. Does he want you to find it, on some level?

Actually, this last lot of porn, whilst looking vanilla at first glance, was all about a step mom having sex with her step son. That's new. He does not have a step mum. His Dad has a partner, but she is very elderly, so it's not about her!

I don't think you should waste energy trying to rationalise his choice of subject-matter when it comes to porn. I'd hate someone to check my own search history, jeeeezzz! I don't even HAVE a dog*!!!!! 😜

*just kidding

I'd write him a letter and leave it on the kitchen worktop, and go and stay with a mate or in a nice hotel with a pool for a few days. Pack a bag and get in the car and go.

Tell him that you're not prepared to live like this and he's got a choice to make. Suggest if he's not willing to work with you on this as the deal breaker that it is for you, he needs to start looking at somewhere go live and book a removal company and let you find someone else.

He needs to know that you're very serious, he thinks he's got you on tap. You sound like you do a lot of bending over backwards to make his life pleasurable, yet where is his effort in return to do the same? I think he needs shocking into action, ignore his crocodile tears.

He uses Torrent files. No idea why, but it's what he uses for normal films as well.

Well, he just called because I didn't reply to his earlier WhatsApp.

Me being me, I blurted it all out. I told him that he'd been downloading "juliehotmom" on Monday and....he flat out denied it! I have the photo on my phone - it was Monday at 436pm. When I was in the next room! I said, "let's see how far you'll take this lie, swear on my life", to which of course he said he'd never do that.

I'm sure when he gets back, he will look very studiously at the laptop, fake pondering "how this could have happened". He must think I'm zipped up the back.

I think I'm going to stay calm, and just tell him, that as a partner he's boring me. Or does anyone have any better ideas?

I'd write him a letter and leave it on the kitchen worktop, and go and stay with a mate or in a nice hotel with a pool for a few days. Pack a bag and get in the car and go .

I would absolutely love to do this, but I can't - I look after pets for a living (in my home) and I have to stay here to care for them. If they weren't here, I would definitely do this, as I think it makes a statement.

Yes, he appears to think that I am on the hook, no matter what. I cannot imagine never having sex with my husband, whilst simultaneously downloading films of other men, and not realise that my husband might find this BORING.

OP I’m so sorry. Your husband is showing you who he is. And he is lying about his actions.
The situation won’t ever change. He is not able to talk properly with you, he is showing you that he cannot be honest with you.

I know it must be awful for him, but at this point it isn’t about the sex, or the porn. It’s about his total lack of consideration for your feelings.

You are 53, and have so many more years of living to do! Again, not just sex, but being free of the situation that is causing you so much distress.

I understand that 15 years is a long time, but try and be pragmatic here. Your husband made a bow to you, to live and to cherish you. He is not making you feel loved or cherished, quite the opposite in fact.

Life is short, and you deserve to be happy.

Oh OP how utterly shit for you. In your shoes I'd be swinging between telling him juliehotmom can do his laundry, shopping and cooking from now on, sniping that he needs to move out into a dingy flat so he can take his little pointless pulls and download his sad pointless but Extremely Important Porn - as it is the other woman and he seems unable to ever stop loving her... and utter, desolate science as I moved about the house as if he simply didn't exist.
I'm pretty zero tolerance on these things. My dh pulled his head out his arse when his twattery gave me a total breakdown, we've had relatively few issues since. If I hadn't had a breakdown? I'd have left! Don't be me and let him turn you into a shadow of yourself. I promise you that you are not 'hideous' and it's him, not you.

That should be silence, not science, but hey, whatever works!

Argh! Also I meant pills not pulls!

"I just don't know where I'm going wrong."

I'm going to be brutally blunt here OP. Where you are going wrong is in thinking his behaviour has anything to do with you, and believing that if only you could behave/look/be a particular way, he would give up the porn and engage in proper intimate sex with you.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

You are really letting him off the hook here. He is the one desensitising himself with his porn habit/addiction. He is the one whose behaviour ensures you are living a celibate lifestyle against your will. He is the problem. And yet you punish yourself

Look at you post that I've quoted above. You are putting so much effort and affection into making everything as lovely as you can - for him. It's the Pick Me Dance. Usually, a woman does the Pick Me Dance when her husband is pretending to be in two minds between staying with his wife and leaving to join his mistress. You are doing the Pick Me Dance to compete with his porn-soaked celibacy.

The Pick Me Dance is demeaning and destroys self-esteem. Your posts - "I am overweight, but must be more hideous than I thought" - make me despair.

"Sadly, all of the conversations people are suggesting - we have had them, multiple times. I have no idea how to handle tonight."

You're not going to like my suggestion.

My suggestion is that if you want a different outcome, you're going to have to start with a different input. None of those conversations have mad a jot of difference. At most they have produced promises (his), tears (his), but no actual improvement (yours). So you need to do something different, something radical, if you want that to change.

And my suggestion is this. Pack him a bag and have it sitting on the drive for him when he comes home. Tell him you need some space, and that he needs to go elsewhere. In fact, text him that before he leaves work, telling him to pick up his bag when he get home, but not to come in. Be completely different from your normal self. You need to be different if you want a different outcome. If you just keep doing the same thing over and over again, so will he. The change starts with you. A spotless house and his favourite meals - really? Pick Me Dance. He needs to feel the consequences of his lying porn-soaked control of you. Start giving him these consequences.

https://www.draprilbrown.com/2022/08/11/nothing-changes-if-nothing-ever-changes/

The thing is, he sounds like a bit of a wanker (excuse the pun) just for lying to you all the time. Why bother? It just doesn't make any sense!

The only thing I can think of is that he is actually gay, and the trail of porn he's left for you to discover is just a smokescreen.

I'm just so deflated at this point. I honestly don't know what to say, or how to be when he gets in. I am not sitting inside and missing my night in the garden. I've been so looking forward to it. Curry is made. I'd spit in it, if I wasn't eating it as well, lol.

Could he WANT you to find what he's been watching? He already knows you have checked before and deleting browsing history is very simple, so why does he keep it? Bizzare. Porn is okay as long as it supplements your sex life, not takes it over.

I mean honestly now that's occurred to me, it seems like a reasonable explanation (him being gay).

Why go to all the trouble of actually downloading stuff that you don't need to download, unless he wanted you to find it?

Why watch it somewhere non-private (as he does), where he can't even actually wank over it?!

It's almost as though the whole point is that you should know he's doing it, and yet where's the pleasure in it for him, let alone you...?!

@pornhabit if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. @WhereYouLeftIt has nailed it, because your man is a liar. And a cheat. Pack him a bag and throw him out if YOU home PLEASE!

I don't think I'm doing a Pick Me Dance? I've told him many times, that he is free to leave. That marriage is easy to get out of - a divorce is £99 on-line. I've been divorced before, when it was more complicated because of children - how I coped with that - and how I would cope if we divorced. I have literally pointed at the door, and said for him to just go if he wants, there will be no drama from me.

He professes undying love at this point, with promises to quit the porn and pour all of his energy in to our sex life. Says how disappointed in him his mum, and mine (both deceased) would be. Yada, yada, yada. And yet, here we are.

I'm going to remain calm, and ask him if he realises how BORING he is to me, as a lover. If anyone can think of any good one liners, I'm all ears. Anything to drive the point home.

I can see from Find my Friend, that he is en route home. I'm going to sit in the garden. My last customer is at 5pm today, and after she's gone I'm going to open the rose. Fuck it.

But he isn't picking you, because he keeps choosing porn over you. You have told him how you feel a zillion times, clearly your feelings are less important to him than seeing juliehotmom.

Print out the divorce forms and have them on the side, tell him he's got to open up and tell you honestly what is going on for him, not give you the same old sob story "my mum would be disappointed" teary horseshit, it's crunch time.

Deal with it as though you would if he was addicted to something else, ie he's not going to stop it unless he wants to stop it, and any change has got to come from him. It's time for him to face the reality that he's not being your good friend, nor a good husband let alone lover and your trust in him to turn towards your marriage rather than away from it is eroding quick.

Darling you cannot logic someone into caring about your feelings and your wellbeing. All the smart words and one liners in the world can't help you here.

It's not enough to tell him that "he can leave you if he wants to" and then expect his behaviour to get better. He doesn't want to leave you! He is having his cake, eating it and coming back for seconds.

What about you? Life is short.

He's not going to just up and leave, he's got it too easy! Get him gone, line up some dates and have some sex with men who are actually interested in you.

The problem with mismatched sex drive is, no matter what kind of promises he makes, the change would likely always only be temporary. He’s not suddenly going to have a high sex drive, and he will make effort for you at first maybe, because he loves you, but eventually slip back to his normal. Unless his issue is medical and treating it can improve his libido.

How much medical help has he actually gotten with his ED? Was he ever checked for it, got proper treatment? Ordering random pills online doesn’t sound like a good strategy. Have you done counseling together, maybe even sex therapy? If ED is his main issue, why is he avoiding anything else than PIV when there are other options?

As for watching porn, generally speaking it’s his easy way to deal with his own needs, laziness even, he doesn’t need to do anything to you, doesn’t need to worry about performance, can do it on his terms. Maybe he even hopes that will increase his libido but it clearly hasn’t worked.