I'm broke, my partner is not

[Duvetday19]

Bit of a rant really and appreciate I might get some negative replies!
DP has booked and paid for holiday for myself and DC, I offered money but this was declined as we are both aware my SMP can't afford it. Very very grateful for this and looking forward to it. Fast forward to holiday shopping time and myself and DC basically need a new wardrobe so start panicking, DP says not to worry I will sort it. I warned him I need so much and again not a problem. He did take us shopping and I picked up a couple of bits for myself and DC, he pays (grateful). When home I explain that I do need more as a dress and shorts and a tee won't do it and so will DC and say I will just do Primark for the rest and he goes on to say he's just spent XYZ so I agree I can get the rest. I was lucky to have some savings but honestly after the holiday shop I am almost broke and have gone very quiet on DP. Not really blaming him I'm more annoyed that I've left myself with hardly anything and starting to panic. I won't miss any of my bills or anything but I have never left myself with this amount at the end of the month. This week its been up to me to get suncreams, extra milk for DC, raincoats, clothes, along with household items and work clothes as I'm returning after holidays (almost 1000 in two weeks) have to add DC has been sick and needed extra meds and some nice foods so she would eat and creche registration plus everyday clothes because she had a growth spurt and I don't know if I'm being spoilt as he has paid for the whole holiday and will obviously have to fork out majority of spending money or if I should say look, our DC has more in savings than I do right now and I can't afford it.

Or, just suck it up, accept the loss and just accept I'll build it back up hopefully by Christmas.. I would never ask him for the money back or anything just to recognise I can't actually put my hand in my pocket so much for a little while. I am not one to pick money fights but this has killed me.

… also are you on the deeds of the house and the mortgage? This also needs sorting.

That's a great update OP.

I'd strike while the irons hot and get things in place today, if possible. All joint expenses (including DC, childcare etc) from one joint account you both contribute to.

No asking the other if you can spend x, unless it's an extraordinary item over an agreed amount.

If your budget allows, dont feel guilty for a second if you buy a coffee while at soft play or book a haircut or new clothes.

Personally, DH and I each put 80% of our salary into our joint account. This comfortably covers our bills, gifts, childcare and savings. We can each spend the other 20% on whatever we like. I use mine for beauty treatments, frivolous clothes etc. he uses his for his hobbies.

There's an unspoken understanding that DH generally pays if we go out for dinner or our holiday spends, purely because his 20% is larger than mine because he's a higher earner.

I'm stunned by how many people seem to have joint financials on here! DH and I have been married for 14 years, two DC (one together) and have completely separate finances, no joint accounts. We roughly divvy up who pays what so it's basically fair (though I earn more).

I'd never enmesh my finances with another person like this. I'd feel trapped and like I had no control. Am I missing something here?!

Yes, you’re missing the fact that everyone is different and different things work for different people. You’re also missing the fact that separate finances aren’t working for the OP, as she’s left with no money while her partner has plenty.

I'm glad you seem to be working it out OP. As you say neither of you seem to have had good family histories to replicate and acknowledging this and moving forward is a really courageous thing to do.

One good thing about joint accounts is if one of you dies you can access money and direct debits and have some control. Assuming there is no abuse it is worth having accounts joint for this reason. I know someone who was in a coma following a car crash and their partner could not access the funds as sole name accounts. I know this may seem extreme but the additional stress it causes when a person is already suffering is immense.

Well done op hope all is well going forward

Is he a dh or a dp?

OP, you come from a mean background and are obviously very vulnerable to being abused.

If you are not married, do not have more children with him because you are years with him, have a child yet find the most basic of conversations so difficult.

Get back to work asap.

He needs to share the cost of childcare, preferably full-time so you are not left in poverty by him.

It's good you have spoken, but I feel you are not out of the woods.

Get back financial independence asap.

This is not a relationship to really depend on.

Depend on yourself first.

OP, well done on discussing it and coming to an arrangement. Download the MSE budget planner and sit down with your bank statements and work out exactly what is needed each month for bills, mortgage, food, DC expenses etc, annual costs etc, and also some each for yourselves and some into savings if possible.

You can have a joint account and still have separate accounts each that you transfer some money each into. That way you can still do surprise gifts for birthdays etc.

You should not have to feel grateful to him that he is paying for a holiday, he chose to do that. He should also ensure that there is enough money for the side costs that go with that holiday.

He should not be walking round in labels while you don't have any clothes.

It sounds like he does see your point now after your chat, so I hope that you manage to keep things sorted out ongoing.

Also, as PP have mentioned, make sure that your name is on the deeds, either one of you can ring fence any deposit if they put more in, by owning the house in your relevant share.

Thanks for the tip, will get on to it once holiday is finished!

The plan is to keep out separate accounts and take an equal amount per month for personal expenses such as beauty, clothes or whatever for myself and then whatever DP spends his money on. He told me his monthly budget for himself so I quickly said we'll I should have the same.

Understanding now that the holiday is not something to be so grateful for even though I think us fortunate to be able to go after having DC, he decided this knowing my situation. Again, my upbringing meant I almost kissed the feet of whoever gave me a gift/paid for something and then it might of been thrown in my face at a much later date.

I too walked around in lables but my priorities changed after DC and I no longer care for that sort of thing and only meant to point out that he doesn't go without. But yes, the inequality is very obvious here.

Not saying all is well now and we have sorted everything because there is the damage from the whole situation and I'm sure we will have some disagreements when sitting down to our new budget again.

Deeds were changed three years into relationship, he didn't trust to put me on for a long time so don't need to worry about that part right now!

They say women have trust issues but this man has it bad giving the fact I've never given him reason to think I've ever been after money!

Also been looking back at my own behaviour and an example is when his family had a birthday I would offer halves and he would never object. When it came to my own, I would pay and never ask for contribution and he would never offer so I think I didn't help things at all and we just stuck that way. I let myself be taken advantage of by trying to be too fair and not a burden on someone else's finances.

I know I sound "thick" as someone quoted before but I'm actually not and usually very logical about things but with this I was just hitting a brick wall with how to approach the subject for fear of looking like a money grabber!

That was me and I apologise, I just find it hard to think that some women, like yourself, are treated so badly and don't realise. After hearing about your upbringing I now understand. I'm glad you've worked something out and please do not let it fall by the wayside and do not for one minute pay all the childcare if you return to work. The children are a joint venture not just yours because they gave birth to them.

It is easy to fall into a trap, he accepted half for gifts and you didn't ask in reverse and he didn't think to offer.

Ongoing if everything like that is bought from a joint account, then it won't even be an issue.

I understand the money grabbing thing too, and if it was his house first, then I can understand his reluctance in giving half of it away, but everything changes once you have DC and you need security as well and if you can't earn full time due to the DC then he does need to do something that is fair.

I don't think he sounds like a bad man, he just hasn't moved with your family situation and or given it enough thought.

Well done OP. A subject you find difficult to discuss broached, and a step in the right direction. Now dont let it slip backwards... talk talk talk...

You should be feeling proud.

This is batshit. I can’t fathom how you can choose to have a child with someone where finances are this rigidly divided. It makes NO sense.

We teach people how to treat us.

You need to learn to protect yourself.

Don't rush into more children with him.

You are so vulnerable.

Get back to work and start building up some money for yourself.

They say women have trust issues but this man has it bad giving the fact I've never given him reason to think I've ever been after money!

Some people might say that but most reasonable people know that people have trust issues and it's nothing to do with what sex they are.

You'll have to watch this one because you're mainly generous and he's mainly mean. Which means one conversation won't do it, you'll have to have boundaries. And don't ever give his grabby, thieving mother anything ever again.

I don't understand why your money isn't just shared. Surely you should be viewing your finances as a household not as 2 individuals who have had a baby together. I strongly suggest you get this sorted as children don't get any cheaper. You're both parents so should equally burden the knock in finances from maternity and having a baby.

Well done @Duvetday19 - I know that feeling of being too embarrassed to discuss/bring up. I've also been in the position where I lent a lot of nice dresses to my FILs partner for a cruise and never got them back and I didn't like to 'bring it up'

Yes I'm very much like that and I never really borrow but if I do, that person would never have to ask for it back I'd just give it! She's had a few things from me now that I've had to buy again myself because it's thrown away "by accident".

It's just bad manners!

It is much easier to manage a joint household and child if you have a joint bank account, in addition to each having your own account.
Once you have agreed a fair amount each to pay into the joint account, there is automatic fair sharing, and transparency for both of you about how much things actually cost.
Alternatively, all income goes into the joint account and you each take out the same amount for personal spends. Personally I prefer the first method - each keeping income separate but agreeing what is paid into the joint, proportional to income.

Without a joint account, it is just too easy for you to keep buying 'bits' for the house or child from your own money, which ends up being unfair on you, and it gives DH a misleading impression of how much it cost to run the family.

I strongly advise you to reconsider and to get a joint account for all household and child expenses.

Sounds like a sensible plan OP.

I think the most sensible way of arranging it (from my POV) is:

A) Agree what is joint and what isn't. i.e. if one of you wants a fancy car and the other doesn't then cars might need to be "personal" - works best if joint things are for stuff where you have a similar attitude to spending.

B) Ideally I would have 2 joint current accounts and a joint savings: 1x joint current for bills, 1 for everything else (you may only need one if all bills come out at the start of the month), and then a joint savings for any irregular bills like MOT, Christmas etc. I average these over the year and put that much in every month.

C) Then you each have your own account for birthday presents for each other, clothes, hobbies etc.