I'm broke, my partner is not

[Duvetday19]

Bit of a rant really and appreciate I might get some negative replies!
DP has booked and paid for holiday for myself and DC, I offered money but this was declined as we are both aware my SMP can't afford it. Very very grateful for this and looking forward to it. Fast forward to holiday shopping time and myself and DC basically need a new wardrobe so start panicking, DP says not to worry I will sort it. I warned him I need so much and again not a problem. He did take us shopping and I picked up a couple of bits for myself and DC, he pays (grateful). When home I explain that I do need more as a dress and shorts and a tee won't do it and so will DC and say I will just do Primark for the rest and he goes on to say he's just spent XYZ so I agree I can get the rest. I was lucky to have some savings but honestly after the holiday shop I am almost broke and have gone very quiet on DP. Not really blaming him I'm more annoyed that I've left myself with hardly anything and starting to panic. I won't miss any of my bills or anything but I have never left myself with this amount at the end of the month. This week its been up to me to get suncreams, extra milk for DC, raincoats, clothes, along with household items and work clothes as I'm returning after holidays (almost 1000 in two weeks) have to add DC has been sick and needed extra meds and some nice foods so she would eat and creche registration plus everyday clothes because she had a growth spurt and I don't know if I'm being spoilt as he has paid for the whole holiday and will obviously have to fork out majority of spending money or if I should say look, our DC has more in savings than I do right now and I can't afford it.

Or, just suck it up, accept the loss and just accept I'll build it back up hopefully by Christmas.. I would never ask him for the money back or anything just to recognise I can't actually put my hand in my pocket so much for a little while. I am not one to pick money fights but this has killed me.

Another ridiculous set-up. What would happen if you go back to work and then he has an accident and can’t work anymore?

His money is yours and vice-versa if you are a committed family. Otherwise…

Normal advice on Mumsnet is both contribute to joint expenses (eg mortgage and bills) what each of you have left over is yours to spend. It does seem a bit odd though when you're on significantly different incomes.

Personally we shared everything and it worked for us but this seems to go against the grain on mumsnet.

This definitely isn’t normal advice on mumsnet imo. All I’ve ever read is joint account to pool all money, then split whays left after all household expenses..

This is what we do, but in OPs case, it's also important to remember that any DC related costs should come out of the joint account also.

I can see both sides, sadly its just a sign of the times. With the likelihood of over 50% marriages, LTR ending in separation i can see why some couples want to protect assets.

My colleague at work is living back with his parents after a bad divorce whilst his ex wife is still in their old house as she was, as the mother, the caregiver. The kicker is his parents put a massive chunk down to get that house, without it they would never have got it, and 2 months after being asked to move out she's now got her new bf there who she'd been having an affair with, whilst he's living in his childhood bedroom. They had joint accounts, she was very high maintenance and spent like crazy, so he's been royally screwed over.

When I read your post I assumed the kids weren’t his.

Hear this clearly: once you have kids you are a family, and you have to pool resources. There is no ‘I’m broke and he isn’t’ in this scenario, you are a unit.

If you don’t act like a unit, you get into a financial pickle, as you have here, because neither of you has considered your overall spending.

Open a joint account as soon as you get back. Both your earnings and any benefits go in there. Bills, savings and investments go out. If you want also pay yourselves an EQUAL amount of spending money into your separate accounts. But I don’t entirely trust your bloke, so I’d keep it all in one account.

Also you should marry him. I’m guessing he earns more while you do most childcare. If you separate you will be entitled to nothing.

Kindly OP, you need to grow up and start advocating for yourself and your child, and keep an eye out for any attempts by your partner to limit your access to your family money.

This is definitely not normal advice on Mumsnet. The advice is always to pool it. It’s the only sensible way.

Absolutely bonkers. You are a unit, the children are his as well as yours!

All income should be held jointly and accessible by both of you. When the children or you - or he - need clothes you buy them from the joint account. All expenses are paid from the joint account.

There really shouldn't be "your money" or "his money". It should be "our money".

This really does need to be addressed. If he won't agree to it then I really do think your relationship should be terminated. He can then get 50/50 PR or pay CM.

Hi @Duvetday19
When I read your first post I thought you were a single mum with a child (and therefore full financial responsibility for your child) who had met a new DP. But this man knows you are the mother of his child???

You've tried speaking to him and he has responded by saying you are ungrateful, so he is:

• not listening to you
• dismissing your very real, serious concerns

He is also shutting down the conversation by emotional manipulation, by:

• trying to make you feel grateful for what he chooses to give you on his terms
• trying to make you feel guilty for not feeling as grateful as he wants you to be

If you tell him that you need to sit down and make a budget together and he listens and takes what you say seriously, then hopefully you can work through it together and create a more fair arrangement by jointly managing and making decisions about your family budget and the family income.

When he has money to pay for holidays and you are broke this is severe financial inequality.

If he is withholding fair access to family income and benefitting financially from your free labour and your state of poverty, then he is being financially abusive.

If, when you raise the issue again, he escalates his behaviour through emotional manipulation by diverting the focus onto you by saying you are ungrateful/unreasonable/controlling, or responds with anger/shouting at one end of the spectrum, or silent treatment, withholding emotional warmth at the other, then this your situation is unlikely to be resolved and will probably escalate. In this case you ought to seek support from women's aid and create a plan to leave.

It is not your job in a relationship to persist and work hard to get your partner to listen to you and care about you. A caring partner simply WILL listen and try to understand. You and your child need for you to be in a caring, safe and financially equal relationship.

Why don't you share all the family money?

So you say throwing away the relationship is a last resort but why? This is how he feels. He wont suddenly have an epiphany where he realises the error of his ways. He doesn't think he should subsidise you while you are on maternity leave. This is how many men feel. I will hazard a guess that you do absolutely everything in the home too. There seems to be a new subset of men who expect a housewife but she needs to be earning a full time wage too and it frustrates me that women just facilitate this thought process. Running around, whilst skint, to pander to men who do not give a fuck. Cos if you leave, he knows another woman will be right behind you to take your place. You are easily replacable, cos a man who loves and adores you wouldn't feel like this in the first place. A good man will enhance your life, will want you to feel safe, will be behind your choices and support you 100 percent. Vice versa too.
You have grown and birthed his child, you are on a reduced wage while you raise your child in its first year. What kind of man isn't showing his gratitude for you doing this?
Sorry if this seems like a dramatic response to your op @Duvetday19 but my god, there are umpteen threads a week all saying the same thing. We expect nothing from men yet they still let us down. If you are not willing to leave then you are just going to have to suck it up. This is who he is. You cannot rely on him to make your life easier in any way so just get on with it. Absorb the resentment, figure out the clothes situation without involving him. Just get on with your life without expecting anything from him and you might have a chance of living your life without the anger eating away at you.
Rant over!

Your selfish selfish dps mum stole your summer wardrobe and he will see you broke to pay for a replacement? Wake him up, kick him out of bed and tell him to go to his mums and come back with your clothes or several hundred pounds for you to buy more or don’t come back. What a fucker!

It’s a shame people don’t have conversations on how they will deal with money before they have children, leaving them to come online and ask for advice once they are miles down the line being left high and dry. It’s should’t be awkward to talk about with someone who is meant to be your life partner. That’s a red flag to start.

He sounds abusive , his mother stole all of your clothes so it’s not hard to see how he came to be this way. Ring her and tell her you are coming to collect all of your clothes for your holiday.

He needs to start pooling the money, but it’s hard to see someone who thinks you are solely responsible for baby milk/food is likely to change much. Good luck OP, stand up for yourself and your DC.

He's mean and miserly

I used to live like that with my ex. With our 2nd DC I put money aside so I’d cover half the mortgage / bills the same as usual as he didn’t really want a 2nd DC and he moaned so much about lack of money when I ended up taking 6 months unpaid Mat leave (he’s 18 so back then you didn’t get the extra 3 months SMP, it was 6 months full pay I got then 6 months no pay). Even though he had thousands in savings and whilst we were together he paid 60k off the mortgage (and when we split I signed the whole house to him so I could get away and get help renting as so expensive in South east). He would always pay for holidays too, and I’d pay for clothes etc, but it’s not a great partnership is it? We did start pooling money and joint savings but I hated it as we gave each other £200 a month spends and it went nowhere. I have always paid everything for the kids, he never gave me any maintenance after we split.

Yet to people on the upstairs he’s super generous. Always buying a round in etc, so I had no idea he was so tight with money when we got together. I think I’d always have separate money now as I’m mid 40’s and do have some savings now. I’m a higher tax band earner now, but back then I certainly wasn’t and it was a struggle. I think you need a chat about money. This isn’t a great partnership.

That should say I ended up taking 6 months unpaid with DS1 so I saved up to cover everything as normal with DD.

@BusterGonad reported, no need to
insult OP.

It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same team here; or acting like a partnership - is he usually like this? You need a major change in how money is handled between you both

You could have replaced the wardrobe you donated to your MIL with clothes from an oportunity shop.
Also you should have asked for your clothes back.

For future you need to set up family finance account where you both know the expenses going out and wages going in and you both use joint resources, agree on a savings plan etc..

Op, work out all your bills in a spreadsheet.

You should be paying a proportion based on your relative incomes.

If you work out what you pay for now, and what he pays for I bet percentage wise you are at a massive disadvantage.

Would giving him cold hard figures help?

You do sound rather passive though, this is very wrong.

And what has he said about his mum giving away your summer clothes?!

IME most people on here say pool resources and just budget together. Or pay in relation to how much you earn; so if your DH earns £30 p/a and you earn £20k, he would pay 60% of bills and you would pay 40%.

I do know I'm passive, something I've been working on for years and has gotten better in work and my own family but not people from his family and sometimes DP. We have discussed the clothes and he blamed me for not asking for them back (okay) but he asked her and she said she doesn't have them but she have a look in some shops.. I didn't buy alot for myself just essentials but himself is going around in Hugo Boss and Calvin's.

After 10 months I just wanted to look and feel good after leggings and baggy tops.

The joint expenses is happening but he isn't too happy about it saying he has no choice but to agree..

I'm now questioning the way we dealt with all of this and wondering if I'm in the right relationship.

Indeed you should be questioning it!

And what’s this bullshit about you should have asked her? She’s given them away! Who does that with borrowed things?!

Having conversations about money is really awkward but I agree with pps that you should have a shared pot and I'm glad to read your update that this is going to happen.
I hope you have explained to DP the reasons for this, that you're not being greedy, want to spend all HIS money etc.
That you are taking a financial hit raising your joint dc.
I had a conversation with a friend at work who's DP wants another DC (they have 2 already) but when she gets pregnant and takes maternity leave her career takes a hit for another year whilst his continues to rise.
I can't believe that in this day and age women are still being penalised for having DC, money and career wise whilst their partners continue to live without any detriment to their careers and spending.
It must be inbred into them that it's a woman's job.
Good luck to you op