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Original poster

I'm broke, my partner is not

147 replies

Duvetday19 · 27/05/2023 19:23

Bit of a rant really and appreciate I might get some negative replies!
DP has booked and paid for holiday for myself and DC, I offered money but this was declined as we are both aware my SMP can't afford it. Very very grateful for this and looking forward to it. Fast forward to holiday shopping time and myself and DC basically need a new wardrobe so start panicking, DP says not to worry I will sort it. I warned him I need so much and again not a problem. He did take us shopping and I picked up a couple of bits for myself and DC, he pays (grateful). When home I explain that I do need more as a dress and shorts and a tee won't do it and so will DC and say I will just do Primark for the rest and he goes on to say he's just spent XYZ so I agree I can get the rest. I was lucky to have some savings but honestly after the holiday shop I am almost broke and have gone very quiet on DP. Not really blaming him I'm more annoyed that I've left myself with hardly anything and starting to panic. I won't miss any of my bills or anything but I have never left myself with this amount at the end of the month. This week its been up to me to get suncreams, extra milk for DC, raincoats, clothes, along with household items and work clothes as I'm returning after holidays (almost 1000 in two weeks) have to add DC has been sick and needed extra meds and some nice foods so she would eat and creche registration plus everyday clothes because she had a growth spurt and I don't know if I'm being spoilt as he has paid for the whole holiday and will obviously have to fork out majority of spending money or if I should say look, our DC has more in savings than I do right now and I can't afford it.

Or, just suck it up, accept the loss and just accept I'll build it back up hopefully by Christmas.. I would never ask him for the money back or anything just to recognise I can't actually put my hand in my pocket so much for a little while. I am not one to pick money fights but this has killed me.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:56

MegaManic · 27/05/2023 20:50

@Duvetday19
That is so controlling.
Add together every household bill and every bill related to your child (including clothes etc.) and then split it based on your income. Or put all your money in, work out how much you need each month (with a bit of a cushion) and you both take 50% of what is left to use for yourself (to save or spend on presents etc).
He sounds like a dick!

This.

he is a knobhead making out like he is hard done by.

Xrays · 27/05/2023 20:58

Duvetday19 · 27/05/2023 20:42

Discussed a little with DP who came back with her pays alot already, decreased my shopping bill and will pay for childcare and I will be okay once work begins...

I did say a joint account and he said okay but there will be no more surprises, birthdays etc because we will know what we are spending..

So I now feel like I shouldn't of brought it up because he feels he already does enough yet I am almost broke and he is not.

He’s just not getting it.

I have been married for 15 years. I don’t work. Dh works full time. (I have health issues and Ds is disabled). Dh pays all his salary into a joint account. All bills go out from this one. We also allow a little extra for family spends, days out and clothes for dc. We then transfer a set and equal amount into our own separate (but also in joint names) bank accounts which we each use as our “own” accounts to spend as we wish. We don’t check these but we could if we wanted to, so I can surprise dh with something etc and vice versa- so this is something for your dp to keep in mind! So in effect we have 3 joint bank accounts, 2 of which we use as singular ones but each can access in an emergency, one for family stuff. Dh is more of a saver than me so he currently has a lot of money sitting in his own personal account which he’s saved and I have no issue with this because I get the same amount each money and just fritter mine away on coffees and lunches and clothes! It works really well for us all as a family. He doesn’t give me an allowance- we share money.

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 20:59

I’m shocked by this thread. Why is your money not joint/pooled if you are living together and have children??? This is crazy on your part… are you planning on getting married? You’re in a really vulnerable position and the way your finances seem to be managed is absolutely not ok! His money should also be your money and it’s not ok that you have nothing. You’re having his child fgs! Your money should all be put into one pot, all bills paid and then whatever is left over you split in two and take half each. Why is your money all separate? What about your house etc.. please tell me at least some assets are also in your name. Seek proper advice about this and make some big changes or you will be at a huge disadvantage whilst he has his cake and eats it. Not ok. Good luck op xox

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 21:01

Stop saying ‘he has paid for..’ - no he hasn’t. It’s also YOUR money. Your kids money aswell. This is also a really bad example he is setting to his kids. How on earth can he feel he’s reached an ok amount to contribute. That’s not how this works at all!!

SarahAndQuack · 27/05/2023 21:01

This is financial abuse.

If he is taking the line that he is 'paying' for things by paying for clothes and holidays, you start billing him for childcare and anything else you do while on SMP.

Does he know how much it would have cost him, as a single dad, to hire a round-the-clock nanny for his child? Let alone if you do more of the housework/cooking etc.

If he is going to take the attitude that his money is his, then you need to take the attitude that what you do looking after his child and his home, is your work, and it needs to be paid for too.

strawberry2017 · 27/05/2023 21:02

He's not treating you to a holiday he's using family money to pay for the holiday.
You are a family all money coming in to the house should be family money. Both with equal access.
This is not a fair set up at all.

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 21:03

SarahAndQuack · 27/05/2023 21:01

This is financial abuse.

If he is taking the line that he is 'paying' for things by paying for clothes and holidays, you start billing him for childcare and anything else you do while on SMP.

Does he know how much it would have cost him, as a single dad, to hire a round-the-clock nanny for his child? Let alone if you do more of the housework/cooking etc.

If he is going to take the attitude that his money is his, then you need to take the attitude that what you do looking after his child and his home, is your work, and it needs to be paid for too.

Exactly this. Please please don’t let it continue op! X

SD1978 · 27/05/2023 21:04

When you pay all the bills except the mortgage, on a reduced wage, how does he figure he's paying the majority?

cantcopenow · 27/05/2023 21:05

Wow, I’m quite jealous of the father of your child OP. It would have been amazing to have had a baby (and family life) with absolutely no impact on my career or finances. Or my body… so no need for many new clothes anyway. And then free child care on top of that. And when I went on a family holiday with my very inexpensive family they would be heartbreakingly grateful at me taking them (instead of having to go on my own).

Except I’m not jealous of him because it sounds awful. I seriously thought you were going to say it was a new relationship and it wasn’t his child, in which case I thought sweet of him to buy the baby some clothes.

This is just awful, you need to realise that.

midnightblue12 · 27/05/2023 21:05

I think that you just need to be honest with your partner and tell him you can't afford these costs.
He might be wrongfully assuming all is fine.

isthewashingdryyet · 27/05/2023 21:08

Joint account for all income, get the child benefit in your name for your NI
then equal spends to your own accounts.
easy
fair

lakesummer · 27/05/2023 21:10

Duvetday19 · 27/05/2023 20:42

Discussed a little with DP who came back with her pays alot already, decreased my shopping bill and will pay for childcare and I will be okay once work begins...

I did say a joint account and he said okay but there will be no more surprises, birthdays etc because we will know what we are spending..

So I now feel like I shouldn't of brought it up because he feels he already does enough yet I am almost broke and he is not.

Of course there can be surprises. You can have a joint account all the money goes into and you both take an agreed amount out of for your individual accounts for private spending.
Or you work out a joint budget shared. fairly between you and pay that amount in monthly from your single accounts.

Either way the money is jointly shared and you both have private money.

Your current arrangement is nonsensical.

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 21:11

Also op another thing to consider here is that if you’ve got no money, he can’t afford the holiday or clothes either actually. Because half of that money is yours!! This man is not your partner. He’s taking you for an absolute ride. I’m not saying leave him but I think you should try and see some other perspectives on this - could you contact womens aid and see if they can give you any advice if you aren’t married. Please also work out the cost of all the services you are providing your partner - childcare, housework etc. Total it up for a month with the going hourly rates. If he won’t change his mindset say ok then here’s my invoice for the things I’m doing for you. Gosh I’m so angry for you!! x

SarahAndQuack · 27/05/2023 21:14

cantcopenow · 27/05/2023 21:05

Wow, I’m quite jealous of the father of your child OP. It would have been amazing to have had a baby (and family life) with absolutely no impact on my career or finances. Or my body… so no need for many new clothes anyway. And then free child care on top of that. And when I went on a family holiday with my very inexpensive family they would be heartbreakingly grateful at me taking them (instead of having to go on my own).

Except I’m not jealous of him because it sounds awful. I seriously thought you were going to say it was a new relationship and it wasn’t his child, in which case I thought sweet of him to buy the baby some clothes.

This is just awful, you need to realise that.

I agree - I assumed this must be a non-live-in partner who wasn't the father of the child, when I began to read.

CSR721 · 27/05/2023 21:14

He doesn't seem to understand family. You BOTH had a baby, not just you. Of course its going to cost him money??

Just because you have a joint account doesn't mean he can't surprise you. My husband and I each still have our own current accounts. We each pay a percentage of our income into our joint account each month to cover all of our and baby's expenses and a little bit of a savings buffer (such as covering the mortgage while I'm on smp) the rest is our money. While on smp we agreed he will continue to pay into the joint and I won't, so my smp is essentially my money aside from odd bits of groceries here and there.

He still manages to surprise me for my birthday etc and I him.

namechange55465 · 27/05/2023 21:15

lakesummer · 27/05/2023 21:10

Of course there can be surprises. You can have a joint account all the money goes into and you both take an agreed amount out of for your individual accounts for private spending.
Or you work out a joint budget shared. fairly between you and pay that amount in monthly from your single accounts.

Either way the money is jointly shared and you both have private money.

Your current arrangement is nonsensical.

Show quote history

This. A joint account AND individual accounts is exactly what we do. Everything goes in the joint, then £X a month transferred to DP's account and £X a month transferred to mine. There's no reason to JUST have a joint account so his excuse about surprises is just bullshit.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 21:15

I don't think either of you really understand how families work financially.

When you have a child together, that child needs looking after. So, one of you does that unpaid work, and the other one does paid work. There's nuances, but basically. So, the money coming in for the paid work becomes both of your money obviously .

You have kept saying 'he kindly paid for this'. No he didn't. Your joint money which you both contribute to paid for this.

You both need to reframe your thinking.

caringcarer · 27/05/2023 21:15

If all you have is SMP which is very low your dp should be funding things for DC. Pull him up on it OP.

Peachy2005 · 27/05/2023 21:15

I am shocked by this thread too. I would suggest relationship counselling as this is not how a family should work. Perhaps there’s a big issue with boundaries in his family - like he’s being very weird about finances, his mother was very weird not to give back your loaned items…

If his mother has given away all your holiday clothes (WTAF!) she should be replacing them. I often pick up a few nice bits in charity shops for holidays, especially sundresses. It’s nicer to get dresses from a few years ago, not the same ones everyone will be wearing that are in the shops this year (bonus that they are inexpensive and supporting charity).

I really hope you can figure out the finances: it’s really out of order how he’s treating his partner and the mother of his child at a time when you need support not extra stress.

hoodieorhoody · 27/05/2023 21:19

It should all be joint money. Get a joint account and have separate accounts and/or credit cards so you can spend as needed without oversight. As long as you are both similar in your approach to money it works well.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/05/2023 21:22

@lakesummer exactly. OP do you remember the song 'moneys too tight to mention' - There is a great deal of truth in that line. When money gets tight and life isn't one long round of holidays and takeaways and fun stuff this is where you see the true spirit of someone. Your DP seems to be under the impression as a couple with a baby that it's his money and he pays some things and you pay others- all well and good if similar income is coming in from both of you and expenses are similar- but this is not the case here, so until you are back at work his method doesn't work and even when you are back at work- if you are paying the childcare chances are for quite a while you won't have much left. He has to accept that for a good while he needs to be paying virtually everything if you don't have vast amounts of savings- and if he can't do that then maybe his priorities in booking holidays are all wrong. I would also make it clear he will be paying for everything whilst you are away . How does he think you have been affording to pay things whilst on maternity??

LimeCheesecake · 27/05/2023 21:24

You need 3 bank accounts - joint account for bills /joint expenses, your own account each for personal spends.

either both wages go in own accounts and then you each transfer over an agreed amount to the joint account, or you both have wage paid into the joint account and then set an amount to be transferred back to your personal accounts.

this works for us, because I’m a “little and often” spender and dh is is more “not buy anything for himself for a couple of months then buy a £400 set of bike wheels” - and we would argue if we had to budget out of the same account.

bobblyjob · 27/05/2023 21:35

YOU will not be paying for childcare. The family will be paying for childcare. It’s exactly equally his responsibility (because he too could stay home and provide it and because it’s his child)
I agree pooled money in a joint account and then equal “spending” money out into personal accounts. ANYTHING for the child comes from joint account not yours (childcare,clothes, milk)

bobblyjob · 27/05/2023 21:38

so fucking generous isn’t he? Allowing the person he allegedly loves who is providing 24:7 free childcare to his child to come on holiday to do the same. Maybe if he starts paying you for his share of childcare (12hrs/day) he will understand money better

Thepossibility · 27/05/2023 21:44

This smacks of financial abuse.
If you didn't have his DC, you would be working and have your own money. Instead you get to struggle because you had HIS DC.

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