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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm broke, my partner is not

147 replies

Duvetday19 · 27/05/2023 19:23

Bit of a rant really and appreciate I might get some negative replies!
DP has booked and paid for holiday for myself and DC, I offered money but this was declined as we are both aware my SMP can't afford it. Very very grateful for this and looking forward to it. Fast forward to holiday shopping time and myself and DC basically need a new wardrobe so start panicking, DP says not to worry I will sort it. I warned him I need so much and again not a problem. He did take us shopping and I picked up a couple of bits for myself and DC, he pays (grateful). When home I explain that I do need more as a dress and shorts and a tee won't do it and so will DC and say I will just do Primark for the rest and he goes on to say he's just spent XYZ so I agree I can get the rest. I was lucky to have some savings but honestly after the holiday shop I am almost broke and have gone very quiet on DP. Not really blaming him I'm more annoyed that I've left myself with hardly anything and starting to panic. I won't miss any of my bills or anything but I have never left myself with this amount at the end of the month. This week its been up to me to get suncreams, extra milk for DC, raincoats, clothes, along with household items and work clothes as I'm returning after holidays (almost 1000 in two weeks) have to add DC has been sick and needed extra meds and some nice foods so she would eat and creche registration plus everyday clothes because she had a growth spurt and I don't know if I'm being spoilt as he has paid for the whole holiday and will obviously have to fork out majority of spending money or if I should say look, our DC has more in savings than I do right now and I can't afford it.

Or, just suck it up, accept the loss and just accept I'll build it back up hopefully by Christmas.. I would never ask him for the money back or anything just to recognise I can't actually put my hand in my pocket so much for a little while. I am not one to pick money fights but this has killed me.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 28/05/2023 08:19

Duvetday19 · 27/05/2023 20:00

Please I know it sounds odd that I had nothing but I actually had nothing after going up a dress size. I'm not one for many clothes as it is and I gave her everything from cover ups to dresses to shorts. I did previously have a couple of dresses I can bring. DC is a baby who had no clothes suitable for 25° whether.. I don't know why I'm explaining this but yes I know we need to sit down and sort this out

Show quote history

Who on earth gives all their clothes away? Confused. I don’t get this part of your story. I agree with everybody else regarding joint money, but I do think it is strange that you gave away all your clothes and left yourself with nothing so requiring a whole new wardrobe.

Original poster
Duvetday19 · 28/05/2023 08:20

Aprilx · 28/05/2023 08:19

Who on earth gives all their clothes away? Confused. I don’t get this part of your story. I agree with everybody else regarding joint money, but I do think it is strange that you gave away all your clothes and left yourself with nothing so requiring a whole new wardrobe.

Show quote history

Summer/holiday clothes only.. Not an entire new wardrobe.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 08:22

Also OP loaned the clothes, she didn’t give them away,

BusterGonad · 28/05/2023 08:26

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 06:58

@BusterGonad reported, no need to
insult OP.

I'm not insulting the op, sometimes it needs to be told I order to hit hard.

NoSquirrels · 28/05/2023 08:27

himself is going around in Hugo Boss and Calvin's.
**
After 10 months I just wanted to look and feel good after leggings and baggy tops.
**
The joint expenses is happening but he isn't too happy about it saying he has no choice but to agree..
**
I'm now questioning the way we dealt with all of this and wondering if I'm in the right relationship.

It’s good you’ve discussed it. It’s good there will be a joint account for joint expenses.

Just make sure there’s enough in there for ALL child-related stuff - clothes, shoes, activities, toys, sun cream and meds, etc, not just childcare costs - and groceries too - what I see all too often is the bloke doing the fixed spends like mortgage/bills and the woman picking up food and ‘shopping’ which can be really disproportionately expensive.

You’re not married. Do NOT shaft yourself with childcare or finances while he is happy to have more money than you.

BusterGonad · 28/05/2023 08:27

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 08:22

Also OP loaned the clothes, she didn’t give them away,

The clothes are not even worth mentioning, it's the tip of the iceberg. Neither here nor there.

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 08:28

BusterGonad · 28/05/2023 08:26

I'm not insulting the op, sometimes it needs to be told I order to hit hard.

Show quote history

Your words were insulting.

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 08:28

BusterGonad · 28/05/2023 08:27

The clothes are not even worth mentioning, it's the tip of the iceberg. Neither here nor there.

Show quote history

Was responding to another poster, not you. HTH.

rookiemere · 28/05/2023 08:37

The clothes are worth mentioning because they are part of a pattern. OP loaned them in good faith and MiL then decided they were hers to do with as she wished. Slightly symptomatic of the issues in the main relationship don't you think?

FlamingoQueen · 28/05/2023 08:54

I would say to him to ask his Mum back for all of the clothes you gave her last year. And then explain, this is why you have no clothes to wear.

Naunet · 28/05/2023 08:57

I hope you’re going back to work full time and not working around childcare? He needs to share responsibility for arranging and facilitating care for his child, not a chance you should compromise your own earning potential to make his life easier in this relationship.
Secondly, are you on the mortgage?
Thirdly, call his cheeky fucker mother and tell her you’re going on holiday and want your clothes back, and if she sold any of them, then you expect the money from her for them. Unbelievably taking the piss.

Original poster
Duvetday19 · 28/05/2023 09:03

Naunet · 28/05/2023 08:57

I hope you’re going back to work full time and not working around childcare? He needs to share responsibility for arranging and facilitating care for his child, not a chance you should compromise your own earning potential to make his life easier in this relationship.
Secondly, are you on the mortgage?
Thirdly, call his cheeky fucker mother and tell her you’re going on holiday and want your clothes back, and if she sold any of them, then you expect the money from her for them. Unbelievably taking the piss.

Going back part time for that very reason..

Honestly DP think this is just what needs to be done and all women do it.

This thread has really opened my eyes. Before DC I was very independent and obviously took all of this for the sake of security for DC.

I can get over the clothes from MIL, there is a bigger issue here that I need to sort out.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 28/05/2023 09:05

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 08:28

Was responding to another poster, not you. HTH.

Show quote history

I know that, obviously, but the clothes are literally a scratch on the surface.

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 09:12

Presents - pay cash or use PayPal or a credit card.

He’s calling your bluff with this as he doesn’t want a joint account.

Go back full time. Maintain your independence. Get him to do half the pick up and drop offs.

If not in two years you’ll be broke wearing holey clothing, doing all the household tasks and taking off the kids sick days - while Mr ‘I am the main earner’ wears Calvin Klein pants while making an arse groove in the sofa watching you run ragged.

Naunet · 28/05/2023 09:20

Duvetday19 · 28/05/2023 09:03

Going back part time for that very reason..

Honestly DP think this is just what needs to be done and all women do it.

This thread has really opened my eyes. Before DC I was very independent and obviously took all of this for the sake of security for DC.

I can get over the clothes from MIL, there is a bigger issue here that I need to sort out.

Show quote history

Don’t do it OP, go back full time, it’s not your job to sacrifice for him so that he can make himself more money, just because you were born with a vagina. If you break up, you’d walk away having to try and live on a part time salary whilst probably doing all the childcare whilst he gets to keep his nice big wage to himself and not worry about arranging care for his son. It’s not fair, don’t set yourself up to struggle. X

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 09:22

Also, bank statements don’t usually say what is bought, so it’s a bloody nonsense excuse too.

loverofpants · 28/05/2023 09:34

Different couples work in different ways. DH and I have always had separate accounts and I've no idea how much he earns and vice versa. He pays the bills, I send him half. For DD, we either take it in turns when buying stuff or if it's a big purchase we pay half each.

Naunet · 28/05/2023 09:55

loverofpants · 28/05/2023 09:34

Different couples work in different ways. DH and I have always had separate accounts and I've no idea how much he earns and vice versa. He pays the bills, I send him half. For DD, we either take it in turns when buying stuff or if it's a big purchase we pay half each.

Yes different couple work different ways but it should be mutually agreed and not massively disadvantaging one person.

SheilaFentiman · 28/05/2023 09:58

What does he think will happen about finances if you go back part time?

OnGoldenPond · 28/05/2023 10:39

OP, please stop being grateful for the tiny crumbs that he throws you from his loaded table and start getting angry about him not contributing to the upkeep of his child and refusing to support the partner who is unable to work due to giving birth to and caring for that child. I can't believe he expects you to pay for all this stuff on SMP!

Now you have a child together your finances should be fully joint with all expenses of the family met from the pot. If he won't agree leave him and claim CM from him and claim any single parent benefits you are entitled to. You would be much better off financially than you are now.

Shame on him. I would like to be in a room with him and give him a piece of my mind

Original poster
Duvetday19 · 28/05/2023 10:45

After arguing since 6 am, we both finally understand each other and have mutually agreed on splitting finances. DP never really thought about my loss and I never voiced the concern until its gotten way out of hand. It took alot of back and forth to explain how I'm at a huge loss and would have to ask for help which brought the question, do I need to pay you back as its come from "your money".

He was under the impression that his money was mine but I argued I don't have access to it unless I ask and have to explain and it just makes the whole thing awkward and like a child with a parent.

I come from a very tight family who wouldn't even help me fund university when I asked because they were under the impression "I have been given enough" and also never witnessed a fair relationship between parents.

DH is very much the same and also comes from a somewhat sly family who would do whatever it takes to get money or free stuff. He thankfully earns honestly even if his thoughts on gender roles are a bit skewed, I think we have an understanding now of what's been going on.

Because of the valid points here I was able to explain my situation clearly and he gets it after a couple of hours but glad we have an understanding at the end.

I need to communicate more, as does he but this is the first time in seven years an argument has actually ended in a solution we both feel happy with and we can now move forward!

If this had continued after the argument I would be leaving of course.

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 28/05/2023 10:46

loverofpants · 28/05/2023 09:34

Different couples work in different ways. DH and I have always had separate accounts and I've no idea how much he earns and vice versa. He pays the bills, I send him half. For DD, we either take it in turns when buying stuff or if it's a big purchase we pay half each.

That is fair enough if you are both equally free to work and both earn the same. This is not the case with OP. She earns less than him even full time and is now proposing to go part time to fit around childcare. Plus he is leaving OP to struggle to pay most of their joint child's costs. Not anything like a fair arrangement.

napody · 28/05/2023 10:51

Agree with all the pps that the situation is shocking.
The bit that scares me the most is he is paying the mortgage. This could have dire consequences for you. You should be married - he could claim you don't have any rights to the equity in the house!

napody · 28/05/2023 10:53

Just read your update- this sounds promising but you need to get the above sorted. The simplest way would honestly be marriage or civil partnership.

continentallentil · 28/05/2023 11:01

It’s great that you’ve made some progress

Can you marry him? It’s concerning that you are working PT and not married - it means that if you separate you will not have a claim on pensions etc, which is unfair as you’ve reduced your hours by mutual agreement to care for your child. It’s really important you sort this.